Need Suggestions on Working From Home

[Tattered Heart]

I recently began working from home. For the first week, my uBPDH was great about respecting my office time. As he began to paint me black a couple weeks ago, he started invading my time--getting irritated if I wasn't off work when he got home (He comes home really early) or coming into my office to talk when I start work. In my frustration during this time, I accidentally said "This is why I was worried about working from home. I knew you would bother me." Ugh! Why did I say that? Now he is out to prove me right. I'm back in the white again, but he is still invading my work time.

Here's what my plan is. I need to have a conversation with him using SET. I have started to gently lay groundwork in the last couple days. I've been trying to be direct in letting him know, it's time to for me to work. That doesn't seem to be working and he starts to feel rejected.

Yesterday evening, I asked him when he would like me to start work. I gave him the option of me starting earlier in the day (like 7-7:30) or later in the day (like 8-8:30). I also let him know that if I start later in the day, then I have to work later. He said he didn't care which option I chose. So, I chose 7:30.

This morning, I reminded him that I would have to start working in 30 minutes. At 15 minutes I reminded him again. About 5 minutes before, I started to prepare him. He said that by me looking at my watch it created anxiety and that I could start a couple minutes late. I reminded him that if I start later then I need to work later. At time to clock in, I told him it was time. He said he was going to follow me into my office, which he did, and he continued to talk to me for another 20 minutes while I started working and not engaging in the conversation. (I know I should have said more here, but I was worried it would trigger rejection in him and I had stuff to do and didn't want to have to deal with an hour of working through his emotions). He eventually left.

Tonight I plan to use SET to talk about my office time. Let me know how this sounds:

I know that it's important to you that we spend time in conversation in the mornings. I enjoy this time with you too. It's also important to me that I get started working on time because I have deadlines to meet...This is where I need help. What should I use for my ask?

Should I say:

When it's time to start work, would you please respect my office time and allow me to work undistracted? The earlier I get off work, the more time we have in the evening together.

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[Red5]

Good Morning TH,

I've had this also… on both sides, back when my uBPDw was still working in her career, they started to let her do the 'telework' thing… and me as well.

Two 'knowns', constants I experienced;

#1.) If she was working from home, I respected her time, and tried to keep things quiet for her (dogs)… and waited on her hand and foot, I "supported her", I kept my mouth shut, and my ears open.

 #2.) If was me working at home, the 180 degree treatment was the 'norm'… "I don't know why you let them (navair) treat you this way"… "you should've just taken the day off", "you are ignoring me", "what is so important that you cant talk to me about this____", "DON'T make this habit"… "you are suppose to be retired", "why are you using your own phone to call ____", "they should provide you a BB phone"... on and on and on…

She resigned about two years ago now, due to illness… and we have been separated since December ; (

Hang in there TH,

Red5

[Tattered Heart]

I haven't had the conversation with my H yet. I tried a different approach. The last couple days I knew I would be working into the evening so instead of starting work at 7:30am, I started closer to 8:30 am. I think by me not having to rush to start working, it gave us a little more time in the morning to have conversation, which is really important to him. I started working closer to the time that he leaves for work. When 8:30 rolled around, I told him I was heading back to my office and he said, "Ok, I'm going to leave soon." I heard him listen to a couple youtube videos then he came into my office and said bye.

I won't be able to do this every morning. At some point me working later into the day may be an issue, but I think I'm going to aim for my work start time to be around 8.

[Radcliff]

TH,

I think your move was a wise one.  You picked an approach that worked well with the natural flow of things.  As you said, if you need to work late, you'll have to figure that one out.  I didn't catch whether you switched jobs or still have your old one?  Do you have an office you can go to in the afternoon if you need to work late?

RC

[Tattered Heart]

TH,

I think your move was a wise one.  You picked an approach that worked well with the natural flow of things.  As you said, if you need to work late, you'll have to figure that one out.  I didn't catch whether you switched jobs or still have your old one?  Do you have an office you can go to in the afternoon if you need to work late?

RC

I have a new job. If I absolutely had to go to an office I could, but it's 30 miles away. This morning he was yelling about something else. After I validated and he calmed down a little more I said I had a meeting and went to work at a coffee shop for the morning. I did have a meeting. I just left an hour earlier than planned.

[Radcliff]

Got it.  Congrats on the new job!  How do you like it?

The coffee shop/restaurant idea was going to be my suggestion for working in the evenings as well.  Maybe some nights a week regularly so it's expected, and a couple nights a week when you're at home and "interruptable."  The key, as I know you know ;) is for any out-of-home work to hopefully be regular and predictable, and not seem punitive.

RC