Less self-doubt and guilt?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My T made an interesting observation in session yesterday.  At one point, she observed that she was hearing less self-doubt/self-blame than the prior session.

In that prior session, I was particularly struggling with why I don't seem to be doing any better, mainly because I am not feeling any better.  In response, she made a comment about how I have still been in frequent contact with my abuser, so of course I'm struggling.

Reference to uBPDxw specifically as my "abuser" actually sent a little jolt through me.  I'm not sure how to describe it...like a momentary reaction of alarm, maybe.  The same thing happened to me in that session when I had described a particular reaction I had to uBPDxw, and my T called it a result of "trauma from emotional abuse."  I didn't like hearing those things at all, but at the same time, I guess they made an impact.

By the time we met yesterday and she made her observation, I was able to acknowledge that I understood the impact frequent contact with my ex was having.  My T and I both know that some of this contact is inevitable since we share two kids...and especially since we are in regular family therapy sessions together, requiring that we see each other at least briefly every couple of weeks.  But there are some new controls put in place on Monday by the family therapist on the ways uBPDxw can contact me (and vice versa) outside of those sessions, and on the content of that communication, which I am hoping will give me some more room to breathe.  As I discussed all this with my T yesterday, she was actually happy for me, pointing out that I was acknowledging what I am going through as the result of a very bad situation and not something I have actually done. 

My T had also commented that I seemed to be carrying less guilt.  The example she gave was that I was sounding less apologetic for sending details to her and/or the family therapist over email to explain my position or provide background to something uBPDxw sent (I don't copy her on my responses).  My T observed that I was able to acknowledge that such action was what I needed to do and then let got of worrying about it.  I get that example, but overall I feel like most of my guilt has been around the impact of this separation on my kids and what they go through over at uBPDxw's house.  I really don't think that guilt has gone anywhere, but I guess it stings just a little bit less right now.  Maybe because another huge element of the guilt I was carrying had to do with guilt over the failure of the relationship itself.  I do think that piece is starting to fade a bit given all that I continue to go through with uBPDxw, but it has really been taking a while to do so.

With the hope of some breathing room over the next couple of weeks, she tried to turn my thoughts towards more self-care.  When she asked me if I could think of some things to do for myself specifically over these next five days that the kids are with my ex, my response was basically the same as usual...try to get in a little exercise, get some things done around the house, etc.  She said those are sort of tangential to actually doing something for me, and she tried to get me to brainstorm what some specific things are that I could do. 

I really struggled.  I feel like when I do have time to myself I need to use it productively.  Not in a manic way, but if I try to relax, I usually feel like there is something else I should be doing.  We also talked about how I just don't get enjoyment out of the things that I used to like, so it's really hard to think of anything that I would want to do besides the usual housework and going to the gym. 

She asked if I think I'm depressed, but I didn't know how to respond.  I guess so, but that carries its own burden of self-criticism (even though I know it's not warranted), but we didn't have time to dig into that.  We left it at me agreeing to do at least one thing just for me, like going to a coffee shop or out to a movie, and that otherwise getting some accomplishments off my to-do list would probably be good as well.

mw

[mama-wolf]

My T made an interesting observation in session yesterday.  At one point, she observed that she was hearing less self-doubt/self-blame than the prior session.

In that prior session, I was particularly struggling with why I don't seem to be doing any better, mainly because I am not feeling any better.  In response, she made a comment about how I have still been in frequent contact with my abuser, so of course I'm struggling.

Reference to uBPDxw specifically as my "abuser" actually sent a little jolt through me.  I'm not sure how to describe it...like a momentary reaction of alarm, maybe.  The same thing happened to me in that session when I had described a particular reaction I had to uBPDxw, and my T called it a result of "trauma from emotional abuse."  I didn't like hearing those things at all, but at the same time, I guess they made an impact.

By the time we met yesterday and she made her observation, I was able to acknowledge that I understood the impact frequent contact with my ex was having.  My T and I both know that some of this contact is inevitable since we share two kids...and especially since we are in regular family therapy sessions together, requiring that we see each other at least briefly every couple of weeks.  But there are some new controls put in place on Monday by the family therapist on the ways uBPDxw can contact me (and vice versa) outside of those sessions, and on the content of that communication, which I am hoping will give me some more room to breathe.  As I discussed all this with my T yesterday, she was actually happy for me, pointing out that I was acknowledging what I am going through as the result of a very bad situation and not something I have actually done. 

My T had also commented that I seemed to be carrying less guilt.  The example she gave was that I was sounding less apologetic for sending details to her and/or the family therapist over email to explain my position or provide background to something uBPDxw sent (I don't copy her on my responses).  My T observed that I was able to acknowledge that such action was what I needed to do and then let got of worrying about it.  I get that example, but overall I feel like most of my guilt has been around the impact of this separation on my kids and what they go through over at uBPDxw's house.  I really don't think that guilt has gone anywhere, but I guess it stings just a little bit less right now.  Maybe because another huge element of the guilt I was carrying had to do with guilt over the failure of the relationship itself.  I do think that piece is starting to fade a bit given all that I continue to go through with uBPDxw, but it has really been taking a while to do so.

With the hope of some breathing room over the next couple of weeks, she tried to turn my thoughts towards more self-care.  When she asked me if I could think of some things to do for myself specifically over these next five days that the kids are with my ex, my response was basically the same as usual...try to get in a little exercise, get some things done around the house, etc.  She said those are sort of tangential to actually doing something for me, and she tried to get me to brainstorm what some specific things are that I could do. 

I really struggled.  I feel like when I do have time to myself I need to use it productively.  Not in a manic way, but if I try to relax, I usually feel like there is something else I should be doing.  We also talked about how I just don't get enjoyment out of the things that I used to like, so it's really hard to think of anything that I would want to do besides the usual housework and going to the gym. 

She asked if I think I'm depressed, but I didn't know how to respond.  I guess so, but that carries its own burden of self-criticism (even though I know it's not warranted), but we didn't have time to dig into that.  We left it at me agreeing to do at least one thing just for me, like going to a coffee shop or out to a movie, and that otherwise getting some accomplishments off my to-do list would probably be good as well.

mw

[Lucky Jim]

if I try to relax, I usually feel like there is something else I should be doing.

Hey mama, You could try pursuing things you enjoy without attaching any particular outcome, like taking a walk in the woods, listening to music or reading a book.  Mindfulness is about letting go of any "gaining" concept, just focusing on what you are doing without the need to achieve any particular goal.  Or at least that's my understanding of Zen.

LuckyJim

[mama-wolf]

Hey mama, You could try pursuing things you enjoy without attaching any particular outcome, like taking a walk in the woods, listening to music or reading a book.  Mindfulness is about letting go of any "gaining" concept

Yes, and that’s probably the root of what I need to work on:  the difficulty I have with letting that go.  The feeling that I should be spending my time productively, whether it’s helping someone else, or getting chores done so that I don’t have to worry about them when my kids are home, or any number of other “useful” activities.

It’s also just really hard to come up with anything I actually enjoy or look forward to.  Most recreational activities generate indifference at best these days, so I’m left having trouble making a decision on what to do in the first place.

I have exchanged some posts on here about the benefits of getting out for a hike in nature.  I’m planning to try that this weekend if I can find a dry enough period of time between rain storms...

mw

[babyducks]

less self-doubt/self-blame

me too.

I probably wandered around with more than the average amount of self doubt and self blame before my relationship.    after the relationship ended I had so much self doubt and self blame that it was hard for me to function for about 6 months.   things are better for me now and it's been a gradual improvement over about 3 years.

part of the improvement came from me challenging the inner self talk, and building in practices that pushed back against my persistent low level depressive thoughts.   I didn't have any regular practices that focused me on the positive, the good, the happy.   I had a lot of regular practices or occurrences that focused on the negative, the broken, the sad.   My work is all about the broken.   And a lot of my social time was about the negative or the sad.     I tried to make a habit of doing one self validation a day.    and that's a tough exercise.

and I tried to define what self care looked like for me.   I think it's different for everyone.    I too have a hard time coming up with things I actually enjoy or look forward too.   so I tried to make those moments of enjoying smaller...  15 minutes, not an afternoon.    just being outside in the fresh air.     

not sure how this responds to your post    

'ducks

[mama-wolf]

things are better for me now and it's been a gradual improvement over about 3 years.

I'm really glad to hear that 'ducks!

part of the improvement came from me challenging the inner self talk, and building in practices that pushed back against my persistent low level depressive thoughts. 

I think this is exactly what my T is trying to get me to do.  She has been working with me for a while on silencing that inner critic (who she calls "mini uBPDxw")...and now she's being more specific about getting me to actually do things to counteract it.

not sure how this responds to your post    

It's really helpful to hear how you have continued to work through these same feelings yourself!  Especially the example of starting with something as small as 15 minutes.  You and LJ have given me a place to start...

mw

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, mama-wolf, You could try setting aside a block of time in which you allow yourself to be in the moment, nonproductive, without any need to cross something off your list.  Those who practice Zen spend an hour or so a day meditating, just being fully present without trying to achieve something.  Taking that hike you mention sounds like a great idea!

LJ

[babyducks]

The very first thing I did to combat my inner critic was linger in the shower.    My joints ache, and lingering in a hot shower helps them.   But my stinking inner critic has this long monologue about water shortages and heating bills.  I have had many a  conversation with the critic, saying shut up I am staying for 2 more minutes.  That for me is changing a practice.

[mama-wolf]

So, an update...

Well, going into the weekend I was still trying to figure out how I was going to keep myself from just spending two full days on the aggressive to-do list I had accumulated.  The hike idea was a possibility, but I wasn't sure how the weather would turn out.  Meditation and hot showers were also high on the list, but I thought it would be better to make a proactive plan.

Then the idea hit me to book a massage.   I hadn't had one since last summer, and the only reason I had one then was because I had a gift card to use.  This also committed me to an appointment time, rather than giving me the option of putting off an activity that I might avoid.  And it was something I could do for me that I didn't have to worry about "enjoying"...at least, not in the same way as you might wonder if you'll like a particular movie or whether you'll have as much fun in a particular activity.  All I had to do was lay there.

So, I booked the appointment and started my weekend.  As it turned out, the weather did clear quite a bit on Saturday afternoon and I was invited at the last minute to hang out with a couple of friends at a local park.  We spent most of the afternoon outside.  I basically did the time-sensitive items on my to-do list (like party prep for D9's upcoming birthday) and told myself the other things could wait).

You could try setting aside a block of time in which you allow yourself to be in the moment, nonproductive, without any need to cross something off your list. 

Yes, this is something I have been wanting to begin anyway...at the very least a brief time carved out daily for meditation.  It's just a matter of actually getting started.

The very first thing I did to combat my inner critic was linger in the shower.    My joints ache, and lingering in a hot shower helps them.   But my stinking inner critic has this long monologue about water shortages and heating bills.  I have had many a  conversation with the critic, saying shut up I am staying for 2 more minutes.  That for me is changing a practice.

'ducks I love this!  My T had offered the example of taking a long hot shower as something I could do for myself.  I immediately heard my inner critic saying she was crazy and arguing about the water bill.  Thanks to your note, I did linger a little longer over the weekend

mw

[Lucky Jim]

Great idea to book a massage!  Maybe it could become a regular thing?  Spending time w/friends outdoors at the local park also qualifies as an activity without a goal.

Nicely done, mama-wolf!

LJ

[babyducks]

mama-wolf,

I have an inner critic who can flash into real bouts of 'the world is ending and it's all your fault',   but mostly my inner critic operates at this constant low grade back ground chatter.   

if I am in the grocery story the inner critic will say oohh don't spend extra money on the good brand of shelled pecans... that's too expensive.

if I am buying a new smart phone,... the inner critic will say oohhh you can make do with the X model rather than the Y model.

if I am out shopping it's well  maybe you can stretch those shoes for another month or two.

and the end result of that is I am constantly down grading myself.    just a notch mostly.   but a down grade it is.

it may sound silly that lingering in the shower is something I have to ~think~ about but it's an upgrade.    and I have found that one upgrade leads to another.

[mama-wolf]

Thank you, LJ!  Yes, I am going to try to let myself indulge in a massage on a more frequent basis...

and the end result of that is I am constantly down grading myself.    just a notch mostly.   but a down grade it is.

The familiarity continues.  Help me remember...were your downgrades directly associated with your ex?  Or was it mostly in response to your inner critic?

I ask in an attempt to better understand my own downgrades.  For me, I was always compensating for uBPDxw's spending (along with not feeling I deserved the upgrades in general).  I have always found it hard to spend money on myself, to do things for myself, and the fact that uBPDxw caused us to overspend so much just reinforced that I needed to cut back, to deny, and to downgrade my own needs.

Since separation, there is an added element of guilt if and when I do decide to get or do something that I want, mainly because I know uBPDxw is much more financially constrained.  But I'm working on letting it be OK to get some new clothes, to buy lunch once in a while rather than eating more leftovers, etc.

mw

[babyducks]

The down grades,  the denying,   the going with the just good enough choice is all inner critic.    

I was the black sheep of the family.    The ~difficult one.   The inner critic expresses the old message of not getting the good stuff,  this will do for now.

[mama-wolf]

I find it interesting sometimes how the same result can manifest from different circumstances in our FOO.  I wasn't really the black sheep...I was always the "strong one" and the "good kid."  And yet, that was just expected of me and how it was.  What I had just needed to be good enough, and I shouldn't need or want more than that.  I wasn't actively discouraged from wanting more or even told I didn't deserve it, but there were financial limits, and I also wasn't exactly encouraged to do things for myself either.

In so many ways, I think it has made me overly practical.  So much of my life is seen through that lens.  It's one that is devoid of emotion, which leaves me at a pretty big disadvantage when trying to connect with my feelings at this point in my life.  It's really hard to look beyond practicality and allow space to enjoy things...especially now after my marriage to uBPDxw.  But now it's so much more important, so I'm consciously trying.  I'm also leaning on my T for help to silence the inner critic who calls me selfish, frivolous, and indulgent.

mw