Help me.find the courage to leave

[PANONBPD]

Second marriage.  7 months of turmoil all of a sudden.  Verbally abusive.  No joint kids.  I would have to move and I'm terrified of the blackmail.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi PANONBPD, and

tell us more about whats going on between the two of you. have things been bad for a while?

does she have something to blackmail you with?

[PANONBPD]

This has been going on for seven months.  Yes.  I was addicted to porn and looked at things I shouldn't have (not illegal stuff).  Just embarrassing stuff.  Anyway that was 6 years and I have been porn free since that time.  I realized now the effect my first divorce had on me.  I made a mistake and fixed me.  Now it's being used against me and being held over my head...

[momtara]

Leave at your own pace. Get your ducks in a row.

[once removed]

is she threatening you? who is she threatening to tell?

[PANONBPD]

Well I told my family that she was threatening yo tell everyone so I beat her to the punch and came clean.  She said "she's going to tell everyone.". When I said that I told my family, she called me a p***y and said she would never tell everyone.  She wanted me to tell everyone that she never dealt with the porn and that is why she threatened me.  She has threatened to tell this multiple times and always uses it against me.  She even threatened to tell my kids last week.  She took my apology letter and threatened to make a copy of it and place in each neighbors mailbox.

[PANONBPD]

Momtara - thanks.  She just came home singing an 80s love song.  She acts like.nothing is wrong...then tell me she wants a divorce, I'm.not her husband and I should go sleep with my ex wife.

[Radcliff]

I was able to stay much calmer once I realized that my wife was routinely making crazy threats that she wouldn't follow through on.  I just decided to assume that she wasn't going to follow through on the threats.  Since I was calmer, I was much better able to deal with her in a constructive way. 

You said things changed seven months ago.  Can you think of any precipitating event?  What might have caused the change?  Were there any stressful events?

RC

[PANONBPD]

Yes.  She started a new job and sold her house.  I think that was her saftey net should things not work out.  She also started leaving the house every weekend to be with friends.  There was rarely time spent here with me or kids...

[Radcliff]

Ah, that makes sense about selling the house and the new job.  How is the new job going now?

One thing I found with my wife is that if I could find ways to support her and reduce her general stress levels, it helped.  For example, if she was flipping out about one of my parents visiting, and I cleaned the house and helped with the kids, it made a difference.  Are there ways that you're able to reduce her stress?

RC