Does my BPD crush really not like me? (Long story)

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve known this girl with BPD for a while (few years on and off texting) and we recently started meeting up more. I intially put her in the friendzone because she refuses to get treatment, but I ended up telling her I liked her and took her out of it. Her response to this was that she doesn’t like me back because I’m too nice and “don’t bring out the extrovert in her”.  She also started fighting with me more frequently after I told her this.

Despite her negative attitude towards me, we ended up meeting again for dinner, and to my surprise she was dressed up in a VERY sexy outfit. Every other time we went out she wore hoodies and bland clothes, but for this she went all out to look her best. I was confused because she told me she didn’t like me and acted like she hated me all the time... .I asked her why she was always mad, and she said that I’m annoying because I stick around and don’t leave her like other guys do. She continued to have an attitude towards me for a while, but it didn’t last, and we actually ended up having a great time. After the dinner was over we had a short text convo and she seemed really happy. I didn’t want to ruin it by being pushy, so I just liked her last comment and didn’t talk to her for the rest of the night or entire next day.

The day after not talking I sent her a good morning text telling her how beautiful she looked when we went out, and she ignored my text until the end of the day. (She usually texts back right away)  When she did reply all she said was  “ thanks” and didn’t respond again until she randomly sent me a “happy new years” text hours later. I thanked her, but then I didn’t text her again for the whole new years day.

[Justsomeguy2003]

I’ve known this girl with BPD for a while (few years on and off texting) and we recently started meeting up more. I intially put her in the friendzone because she refuses to get treatment, but I ended up telling her I liked her and took her out of it. Her response to this was that she doesn’t like me back because I’m too nice and “don’t bring out the extrovert in her”.  She also started fighting with me more frequently after I told her this.

Despite her negative attitude towards me, we ended up meeting again for dinner, and to my surprise she was dressed up in a VERY sexy outfit. Every other time we went out she wore hoodies and bland clothes, but for this she went all out to look her best. I was confused because she told me she didn’t like me and acted like she hated me all the time... .I asked her why she was always mad, and she said that I’m annoying because I stick around and don’t leave her like other guys do. She continued to have an attitude towards me for a while, but it didn’t last, and we actually ended up having a great time. After the dinner was over we had a short text convo and she seemed really happy. I didn’t want to ruin it by being pushy, so I just liked her last comment and didn’t talk to her for the rest of the night or entire next day.

The day after not talking I sent her a good morning text telling her how beautiful she looked when we went out, and she ignored my text until the end of the day. (She usually texts back right away)  When she did reply all she said was  “ thanks” and didn’t respond again until she randomly sent me a “happy new years” text hours later. I thanked her, but then I didn’t text her again for the whole new years day.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Justsomeguy2003]

(Cont.) I messaged her on Jan 2nd and she started ignoring me again. I sent her another text asking if she wants to go out this weekend and she starts saying stuff like “Why do you still talk to me? I’m mean to you.”, “Why do you like me?”, etc She seemed sad or something. She then says she can’t meet this weekend because she’s broke, but when I suggested we do something cheap, she tells me I’m possessive over her and I need to chill. I agree to chill and she doesn’t reply again.

A few hours later I playfully ask her to be my girlfriend and send her a bunch of flirty messages to lighten the mood between us.  She seemed to be enjoying it, but questioned if I seriously wanted her to be my gf or if I was a “f*cking troll”. I told her I really do want her to be my girlfriend and she didn’t answer the question but still seemed to be happy about what I said.

The next day she was extremely annoyed. I wished her a happy day and all she said was “yeah”. I asked her if she was okay and she said “Stop asking that, I’m f*cking fine!”. I then told her I had to go. When I returned from getting food I told her about plans I wanted to do with her the next weekend and she starts spazzing on me and saying she doesn’t like me or want any alone time with me. When I started getting annoyed by her words she would say things like “Oh are you mad now?” Like she was waiting for me to get mad! She then tells me goodbye and says she’s going to block me in a very calm tone. I am now blocked on everything expect probably email. She didn’t seem to be devauling me though... .I’ve been devalued and blocked before, and she usually had more rage. This time it seemed like an act... .

Now it’s been 2 weeks of not talking... Her followers have gone up by 20 or 30 since blocking me and i now see her on dating apps. What do you think happened? Does she really not like me? Was this the devaluation phase?

[Purplex]

Hi Justsomeguy2003 and welcome to the family! 

It seems like you handled her push and pull behavior pretty well. You respected her wishes but reconnected once things had cooled down and stayed calm, collected and friendly.
PwBPD are used to people leaving and beeing unreliable and thereby deep down they feel like they are not worthy of attention and love. If somebody treats them differently they tend to get suspicious and - conciously or unconciously - try to make you behave in a way that 'confirms' this narrative.
It sounds like she is irritated by you keeping your cool and wants to provoke a different reaction (anger, annnoyance) from you by all means. Does this make sense? 

[Justsomeguy2003]

Thank you Purplex. I’ve been reading threads on here for a while so I decided to finally join.

What you said makes a lot of sense! I understand now. I think the rant about not liking me and the blocking was her final test to prove I was going to leave like everyone else. Unfortunately I did fall into the trap and lost my cool with her a little. I sent her an apology two days after this situation and told her that I hope we can be good again in the future, but she still has me blocked. I’m not going to chase her anymore though. Hopefully she eventually comes back, but for now I’m focused on myself.

[Purplex]

It took some time for me to make my first post as well. Glad you eventually decided to join too!

Unfortunately I did fall into the trap and lost my cool with her a little.

We are no robots, it's impossible to keep cool under all circumstances and we dont have to. What's important, is to truly acknowledge our own missteps, offer an honest apology and keep trying our best. It's not about whether we make mistakes (because we make them all the time), but how we handle them. And since pwBPD are often lacking those skills we can also act as rolemodels in a sense.

Hopefully she eventually comes back, but for now I’m focused on myself.

This sounds like a healthy attitude! Keep us up to date if you like.

[Radcliff]

I'm on the same page as Purplex here.  I think you did a good job of not feeding the cycle.  Yes, there were a couple of spots where you probed and got pushback or got annoyed, but you're human.  The nice thing about the fact that you had a decent game it that you can see that her pulling away is not something you had much influence over.  Despite you handling things well, she still pulled away.

There's a good chance she'll reconnect with you at some point, especially if you don't pursue her too much.  Meanwhile, you can bone up on your skills a bit.  Take a look at this page, What Does It Take To Be In a BPD Relationship?  What are your thoughts on that info? 

RC

[Justsomeguy2003]

Thanks guys. She matched with me on tinder shortly after my last post. I sent her a hello and she instantly replied telling me to chill out because matching was a  “mistake”. I asked how she’s been doing and complimented her new hairstyle, but she didn’t respond. What’s strange is she never unmatched me. Maybe she’s trying use me as an emotional backup after failed tinder relationships? Or maybe it really was an honest mistake? I would like to think she misses me but who knows. I still don’t plan on chasing her to get a response though.

[Justsomeguy2003]

Take a look at this page, What Does It Take To Be In a BPD Relationship?  What are your thoughts on that info? 

RC

Hey RC. I think these are things I’ve already trained myself to do dealing with her behaviors for so long. I try not to take what she says personally, set boundaries, try to be empathetic, and don’t allow her to harm herself with things like drinking and driving. I’ve also suggested DBT and given her a copy of the BPD survival guide. (Which she can’t read past the forward. ) I’m the only one who knows she has BPD so I do what I can to help.

[Purplex]

Well it's hard to say if this was an honest mistake or not. But I can see some parallels to the history with my BPD guy here and have a theory what might be going on.

Do you know anything about her past relationships?
Is she generally outgoing or more on the shy side?
Does she behave in the same way when she is with you?

[Bnonymous]

Hi Justsomeguy2003,

I think Purplex has hit the nail on the head here that she may feel unworthy of attention and love and so feel suspicious when she receives it.

The day after not talking I sent her a good morning text telling her how beautiful she looked when we went out, and she ignored my text until the end of the day. (She usually texts back right away)  When she did reply all she said was  “Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) thanks”

A few hours later I playfully ask her to be my girlfriend and send her a bunch of flirty messages to lighten the mood between us.  She seemed to be enjoying it, but questioned if I seriously wanted her to be my gf or if I was a “f*cking troll”.

  I asked how she’s been doing and complimented her new hairstyle, but she didn’t respond

She may have issues with compliments. If she isn't used to them, can't see them as justified, is uncomfortable with them etc, then she might even not be sure whether or not you really mean them.

As an example: I am the sort of person who uses terms of endearment. Since I got together with my boyfriend, I have frequently called him "sweetheart", "darling", "dearest," "gorgeous", "love" etc. We've been together two years now. A few months ago, he said to me that it had taken him some time to figure me out, that he was only just starting to accept that I'm being sincere and affectionate when I use terms of endearment. For all that time, he had thought that I was using the words sarcastically. He said he hadn't been able to believe that anyone might say those things to/about him and mean them. It was heart-breaking to hear.

I'm wondering if something similar might be going on with your girl... .I'm wondering if she might have self-esteem issues, feel she doesn't deserve compliments, and so not quite believe that you're being genuine? If she feels mistrustful in this way, then she may be withdrawing rather than taking the risk of accepting a compliment and finding out later that the other person wasn't being sincere - she may be too scared to handle the vulnerability of believing you. What do you think?

[Justsomeguy2003]

@Purplex

Hey. She usually ends up picking someone who fits the “popular boy” archetype. (Preppy dresser, a lot of attention from other women, many followers on social media, etc) Her relationships with them only last 2-3 months, and the BFs have mostly been narcissists or had other issues. In past relationships she ended up paying for guys meals, giving them rides, and buying them expensive gifts. She seems to get obsessed with the ones who treat her the worst, and does a lot for them.
Personality wise she’s able to pull off a friendly/outgoing act publicly, but she’s actually really timid, awkward, moody, and insecure. She doesn’t put on the outgoing act with me and even admitted that others see her as a completely different person than what she shows me.
What’s your theory?

[Justsomeguy2003]

I'm wondering if something similar might be going on with your girl... .I'm wondering if she might have self-esteem issues, feel she doesn't deserve compliments, and so not quite believe that you're being genuine? If she feels mistrustful in this way, then she may be withdrawing rather than taking the risk of accepting a compliment and finding out later that the other person wasn't being sincere - she may be too scared to handle the vulnerability of believing you. What do you think?

Hello. You’re right. She definitely does have self esteem issues and is afraid of being vulnerable. She questions my kindness a lot.

[Purplex]

This is what I thought. To me it looks a lot like she is incredibly scared of real commitment because she feels like she is unworthy of a mutually loving relationship. This is why in the past she picked guys who are emotionally unavailable. With them, she didn't have to commit fully and let them see her 'flaws'. Those relationships were shallow, without a real connection. She feels like beeing treated badly is what she deserves because she sees herself as unlovable. You on the other hand are serious with her, you treat her with compassion and respect and really want to get to know her on a deeper level. But this also means, that with you, she can't hide behind a facade. And this is frightening. Opening up means beeing vulnerable. And this is something she used to avoid at all cost out of fear to get hurt. Once she opens up to you, she runs into danger of getting rejected. And how could you possibly not reject her if she values herself so little?

This is a combination of what my bf told me about his feelings and fears and what I read into your description of your girl. Do you think this could be what's going on with her?

[hopefulbutlost17]

Hi Justsomeguy2003,

Came across your post and so glad I stopped to read it.  I'm completely intrigued and feel I'm in a similar situation as yours.  Thank you for posting because it gives me a better understanding and insight on why my ex has been doing what she's been doing lately. 

[Radcliff]

How have things been going the last week?

RC

[Justsomeguy2003]

Purplex

I think you're spot on once again. She used to tell me she doesn't miss any of these guys after the "relationships" are over. I told her it's because they're not real relationships, and she never really knew them to miss them. She really doesn't let people get to know her... .Even her relationships with her female best friends (Who she paints all white) are some what superficial. I guess with me she felt like things were getting a little too real, so she ran.

hopefulbutlost17

No problem! I'm glad you got something out of my story.

[Justsomeguy2003]

@RC

Hey, here's an update:  It was her birthday earlier this week, so I emailed her birthday [and valentines] wishes. She simply told me "I appreciate it!" and we've been emailing, but she seems to be keeping me at a distance. I baked her a cake as a birthday gift (Last year she told me she didn't get one) but when I suggested meeting up to give it to her, she gave me the whole fake friendly routine to avoid it. I joked about her bobbing and weaving through my meet up suggestions, and she replied saying she refuses to be bribed with food, and she doesn't truly think I baked the cake for her because we haven't been talking... .She also says she's not trying to meet up, and doesn't know why I want to be unblocked when she's already responding to my emails. When I showed her a screenshot of me buying a cake mixer right before her birthday to prove I was genuine, she took it as me buying HER the mixer as a gift, and said it was sweet that I remembered she needed one. I had to be honest and tell her I just bought it for myself to make her the cake, and she responded with "Oh wow... okay never mind then."In my next reply I jokingly said she can earn a better mixer by buying me flowers and taking me on a date... .or unblocking me, but she hasn't responded after like a day. hehe I'm not sure if I hurt her feelings though. I feel like she probably doesn't want to meet me or unblock me because she's idealizing another guy right now. I could be wrong, but it feels like that's what's going on.

[Purplex]

I really like your approach here. You are keeping the conversation casual and lighthearted but still express your interest in her. If you keep this up I bet she will come around eventually. But of course you are free to decide if you want to keep pursuing her or not.

How did things develope since then? Any update? 

[Justsomeguy2003]

I really like your approach here. You are keeping the conversation casual and lighthearted but still express your interest in her. If you keep this up I bet she will come around eventually. But of course you are free to decide if you want to keep pursuing her or not.

How did things develope since then? Any update? 

Hey Purplex. I reached out to her a few days after sending that date joke, but she never replied. I believe she may be idealizing someone because she deleted her tinder profile and she’s beginning to delete the 30+ new followers she accumulated after blocking me. She also made a post about being impressed by someone cooking for her. (Which she deleted)  So yeah, I’m guessing she has jumped into another random “relationship”. Probably so she wouldn’t be alone on her birthday/valentines day...She did the same thing last year.  I think I will probably hear from her around April or so. I’ll keep you guys posted.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update.  Do keep us posted.

RC