Lost confused ...

[Jimievs]

Hi again all

So I'm back in the confusion, everything seemed good ... No fights, then a simple question from taking an interest I her doctors appointment has ended with me now wondering if the relationship is gonna break.
Currently my partner wants space, says she doesn't love me and wonders why I love her, also had the delight of her telling me that the currently holiday we have booked to go to a place she's always wanted to go is pointless as she'd rather go with her family, nice one

She's been drinking heavily recently, crying about wanting help for it ... Then get smashed, I've been supportive, but everything I do is futile, I've gone from her wanting to make the house a home only a couple of weeks ago, to her not loving me and wanting her space

My head just spins, here again without putting a foot wrong

I've had her say how toxic and bad she is, which gets hard to hear, had her crying, been so warm and caring, the lovebombing of how important I am to her, notes of affection and now boom, find someone else, leave me alone , blocked me ?

I'm lost with it

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Red5]

...also had the delight of her telling me that the currently holiday we have booked to go to a place she's always wanted to go is pointless as she'd rather go with her family, nice one...

Hello Jimievs, in the past eighteen month period, my (un-dx) wife has made, and then subsequently cancelled; no less than five 'vacation rental' weekend plans… for us, and as well extended foo, being her two adult children and their spouses…

Each time its the same scenario, we were doing pretty good, and the 'boom' as you say… a quarrel then a dysregulation over ____, don't even remember now, and she's on the telephone canceling the entire thing… but each time, it was always before the 'proprietor' would be keeping the deposit.

Destinations included;
*the northern sea shore,
*the mountains beyond the piedmont,
*the gulf shores down south,

All "canx" ; (

I guess I write it off to 'fear of enmeshment'…

Anyway's, me2 !

Kind Regards, Red5

[Jimievs]

Well I still have time to cancel it, but I'll probably go on me own... It's just the confusion of where it all stems ... She is in therapy and tries to stop her drinking, says all the right things but none of it seems to make a difference, her therapy which I was hoping would start to help, hasn't seemed to, her drinking goes from quitting and getting through the difficult parts to full on binges on her own, drinking in the day to feel normal, she's forgets what she's done and lies about things, she says aren't important and doesn't want an argument, yet any communication ends with her getting angry at me, I can't do right whatever I do, my head is just blown, getting nothing from her just silence, being blamed for being overbearing because I take interest in her, yet if I go out for the day she'll message me lots and if I don't reply straight away them I'm ignoring her? I know she has lied to me yet I dare not say anything, she decides what I'm thinking and how I'll react and says I've changed when I've not done anything, like I'm battling her thoughts, I went to bed being loved by her then woke up hated ... And I wasn't even staying with her ... Wow

Now I'm just told I either give her space or if I can't just get her stuff and finish with her

It seem really emotionally controlling, and yet the thought of actually breaking up is painful even though talking to me like I'm nothing

How the most affectionate seemingly loving person, becomes a stranger with no regard overnight

[Jimievs]

It's like I'm being punished for loving her

[Red5]

Jimievs,

What do we know… the two "pillars" of a borderline;
*fear of abandonment
*fear of engulfment

Like two magnets, with the poles reversed, they don't attract, instead they push away, until one of them flips from the "doppler" magnetic pressure, and they "snap together"… and stay together, until pulled apart… once again,

I know, the mood swings, and the anger, the 'projection'... the "push ~ pull"… seemingly from "out of the blue"… it wears you down.

I heard this morning a fella on a video say, to start keeping a "mood schedule", .. so that perhaps you may come better able to predict the swings… but be advised if you write it down, don't ever let pw/BPD find it…

We must be careful to not let ourselves become "lost" in the BPD relationship.

Hang in there, what do we hear constantly here, "don't invalidate", "done take it personally"…

Be supportive, show empathy, and speak in truths.

One day at a time,

Red5

[Sandb2015]

Jimievs,

It does feel like a punishment, it feels personal and purposely done.  It's not and hard to distinguish, so damned hard.

You have to take care of you. (sounds great and it works, hardly able to do it myself.)

The push/pull, connect/disconnect etc is so inconsistent while we are expected as a caregiver to give consistency, tough stuff.  Worth it in my opinion.

Don't be blind sided by your own feelings, it may work against what you want.


Red5, thank you, I need to read stuff and you write some of the stuff I need to keep reading. 

One day at a time, yes.  One day crap or two or three, one day(or half) ok   ...I want to go away for a few days, I can hardly afford the beers I have sometime...oh boy.

[Jimievs]

How to hang in there, I can think of a potential trigger for this latest trouble, but I can't communicate it to her, as I'm scared of being patronising, ive noticed her cycle, and on occasions we've spoke about it, I can something's talk about reality of different issues, alcohol for example, and at times she will then search out for herself and realise that I may just understand certain things, but the struggle of taking interest in her life like the average relationship, such as plans for the day, anything good or interesting happened, or like this last issue, just taking interest in her doctors appointment to do with her tablets she takes ends with conflict... I've spoke to her about taking antidepressant and drinking heavily and that it's probably not a great idea, and because of this she has said there no point talking about her docs appointment for her depression because I'd just say there's no point, because she's get smashed all the time, even though she knows it herself, it's like she want a miracle tablet ... Maybe I'm wrong and I can live with that, but I'm sure if she's feeling anxiety and depressed more lately as she has said ... Then the amount she has been drinking maybe a good place to start, and literally she has been hitting it, I I call in the morning after she can't even talk properly , bit I'm demonised for taking a potentially responsible view? Maybe my logic is wrong

How to hang in when even if the answer is staring her in the face it makes no difference, and I completely understand the difficulty of addiction, it's not like I just sit there and say just stop, what's wrong with you, it breaks my heart seeing her breakdown, knowing I can't do anything about it, just be there, and a soon as I take some interest, I'm not aloud to be

[Jimievs]

I know my only choice is to give space, and yes some of what she has said seems so purposeful, with the intention to hurt me, downright cold, and it is hard not to know how to take it, is it true feeling, is it the disorder per say, how can I overlook the words and fob it off in my head that she doesn't mean it personally, feels I'm patronising her real thoughts, maybe she really doesn't want to be with me... I'm not getting angry, just using that I'm here rhetoric, maybe she's right I should finish with her, I'm not getting any younger, or maybe sit tight because I love her ... The answer seems to become more elusive, and then in an instant I could all change, until I was in it the rollercoaster seemed hard to grasp

[Jimievs]

If she said there was someone else then it would be easy to grasp, as sad as it sounds

[Sandb2015]

Jimievs,

The "if" thing doesn't work as much as you'd like to think it.

One thing I can't do well is "STOP" the negative thinking when it starts, it spins and eventually I feel calm, it's so much work.

Try not to ruminate, we don't know the intentions of the pwBPD, we don't and we make them up.  Let that go for now and zero in on yourself.

It's not easy to grasp right now regardless of the circumstances, you are angry and hurt, you "feel" anger and hurt, step outside of blame and look into yourself, you can control it from there, not from the other's "perspective" (whatever that is ?).

[Jimievs]

Struggling today, only thing I've heard from her is focus on the bad of the relationship, emotionally it's really hit me

[Jimievs]

So it's over... She said she's not been happy for ages, and that I don't trust her, now I'm blocked from communication, give me the I'm a great man and deserve someone who can give what she can't, even though I asked for nothing just her ... The fear of engulfment seems to of kicked in, and I just realised that this has happened before the last 2 family holidays, as well as the one coming in a couple of weeks? Sit tight and no communication looks like only option... Just got a house of her stuff

[Red5]

…only thing I've heard from her is focus on the bad of the relationship, emotionally it's really hit me.

…"So it's over... She said she's not been happy for ages,"

Good Morning Jimievs,

I too was experiencing this last evening.

I call this "awfulizing"… its basically projection imho.

I try my best to use the tools spoken of here on this website when this is happening.

I pick out few things that I could use to validate her, I just do my best, to "not take it personally"… I'm getting better at it.

She seems to have a mental list of wrongs I've done to her, its a long list… which she meticulously goes down each time (she is an accountant by career)… of course, its all my fault, each and every item… I get all the blame for the most part… and now I just absorb it, all of it… and I try to use validation, and the SET tool as I can.

... use the tools, don't take any of the projection personally… its just words, at least until its not… use boundaries as required if things get worse.

I've made use of a little tool I have of my own… I call it SLED…
*S= Stop!… ~> don't make things any worse, don't react.

*L= Listen!… ~> means just what it says, listen to her!, her feelings are facts to her, and her feeling matter, they have merit, so listen to her.

*E= Engage!… ~> in mindful thought processes, ie', access what is actually happening, empathy, remain with her in her moment, don't run away.

*D= Defend!… ~> defend her to herself, help her, validate her, defend the marriage (relationship), she is crying for help, she is struggling to process… don't invalidate her with a hasty and ill-advised defensive posture… absorb, recycle back to STOP! as required.

Yes, acronym "SLED"… it's mine, it is 'homemade', maybe a bit silly (?)... but it helps me when the very first spark of a flare up ignites…

From there (SLED) I can "mindfully" find my way in my own head in order to transition, and to engage / use the tools as presented here.

Hang in there Jimievs, keep posting,

Red5

[Jimievs]

I'm trying to hang in, but really not doing to well, there is no communication, I'm blocked, I'm also feeling mentally drained

[Sandb2015]

Jimievs,

Being blocked.  I'm sorry this is happening, it is devastating.  Don't get frantic if possible, calm down, the shock from this can be beyond draining.

Stop!  Breathe, focus on you even if for a few minutes to start.

[Jimievs]

Thanks for the support, the contradictions are kinda in my head mainly ... I've been frantic but have calmed down, work has been difficult, it's the mind bending "your so important to me I hope you realise that" only a few days ago to the now "you make me so angry, move on" then "your a great guy, you'll make someone very happy" then blocked

It's hard not to allow it to consume my thoughts, I've been here before and ended back together with her acting as though she was coping alone, but admitting she was a mess and struggling, how do I give up on her, do I hang in hoping she reaches out or prepare for moving on without her, the balance is hard to grasp, I'm not angry just deflated and disappointed

Many thanks

[Sandb2015]

Jimievs,

How long were you in the rs?

Are you getting flashbacks of this cycle?

What occurred with me as we were living together is so much different since being discarded 3 months ago.

I'm trying to see a pattern and trying not to at the same time.

All "crazy making" and I'm trying desperately not to give up and trying just as desperately not to live in her head or let her live in mine.

[Jimievs]

Been just 2 years ... This cycle seems to happen when we calm into everyday living, I noticed holidays seem to always be coming up, and the same rhetoric from her, she recently said that she would like to do different things go places, which is great and I said just let me know what you'd like to do any we'll do them, but because I don't have the same enthusiasm as her she says there pointless... Which isn't fair , we had different things planned that she wanted yet now we can't fulfilled them, she has her own place but lives with me gets comfy homely then retreats back to her flat wanting space, same thing every other break up been bout 5, we then take it slow, then she suddenly back living with me within couple weeks ... All good couple months then here again, we don't have the same interest she's just living in my life is what she says ...

[Sandb2015]

I moved in about a year together, not close proximity, more difficult commute her teenage boy.

It started with getting kicked out on a regular basis, sometimes unbearable and left, other times I stayed.  After a day or two, back to normal and I just kept accepting while fighting and JADEING, I thought she didn't know what my intentions were as they were always in question, I was an idiot.

Started keeping tabs of the episodes due to her excuses, PMS, seeing my son, certain work days, yup it fit, she was just making it coincide so nicely, all bs.

I started looking at my phone calendar and I realized I was writing very short things on certain days and It just made me down and I still accepted.. I wrote things such as, no heart, heartless, run, get out, what the heck.  She never looked, but she went through my phone every chance she got.

She even mentioned as things progressed, she said, "I'm getting worse", can't you see what you are doing to me?  This happened so many times, I thought I was in the Twilight Zone.

I look back and see now as much as I didn't know it is BPD/NPD and I was warning myself to see and I ignored because in between it was the love of a lifetime.

If I could go back, I would not accept and learn a whole lot to eventually get us in therapy and I could have neutralized many episodes.

[Jimievs]

Well she is in therapy, but tbh she seems worse, the drinking has got worse and causes big problems, I use to react but then stopped and accepted it, but my advice and support doesn't make any difference, it's now over in her eyes so I guess there's nothing more to do, I realise she has been contacting a male friend again recently, who she went on a date with the last time she left and caused difficulty between us, I kinda realise I can't keep being treated this way, just the bond we create seem much harder for me to break than her

[Sandb2015]

Kinda the same here, she swears she met someone and I still don't believe her, either wanting me to run because nothing is working so far or it's true.

I want a life with her and her dating isn't going to stop me from a life with her, I'm 51 and B is 43. I don't know what will happen, if it's a healthy guy she meets, I'll give it a few weeks tops, If he's like me and there aren't any like me   , who knows.

If B was a woman I dated, didn't live with, I know I wouldn't have no knowledge of this sight or BPD, It would not have continued, it did and I became an intricate part of her son's life, immediate and out of country family.  They all worried about her because of her "way" and were so grateful for me, I didn't let them down.

I had a family, a tight family and they validated me.  Now they are afraid of her as always and they all tried to do their part to "talk sense into her"...

Did I say SENSE?  Oh boy!

[Jimievs]

Well her family have been happy she found me, for long periods I seemed to of calmed her and given her stability, but the inevitability seems to always happen, I can't be sure if she is meeting this guy again, but she wouldn't tell me either way but I do know she is talking to him again, as I've have caught her out, but I do know she has been lying lately through her mum telling me things. And now the Facebook status is no longer a relationship with me ... So that seems the concrete nowadays

[Sandb2015]

Jimievs,

It all sucks, doesn't it?

What are you hoping to happen or facilitate happening?

The other guy thing and the quick moving on (no love now) are the hardest to deal with as far as I'm concerned.

I was constantly accused of moving on so quickly if we broke up, even after I was staying somewhere after getting kicked out and while I was staying with my elderly aunt 60 miles away. I reassured her to no end and I thought that was it, I felt proud to confess my lifetime commitment over and over, telling her why and the smallest imperfections that come to mind as to why I'm attracted to her.  Spilled my heart out with pride (never did before with anyone) and I've had several long term rs and a marriage. 

What I had no idea of at the time was that it was all projection, the most dangerous of the traits in my opinion.  If I knew, all the things she was accusing me of doing or eventually doing were things she already had plans to do...I'm beyond negative today, don't think this is me everyday.  

[Sandb2015]

Jimievs,

Another thing,

Her family here would go on to say that I was the purpose everyone was getting together more, I was the person they are giving credit to and that felt just awesome.  Her elderly father from a very conservative SK family traveled all the way here and we were two peas in a pod, he was a retired very high ranking officer from his country and at times my love would enjoy it and others, hate it and be jealous.  After 2 months together, 2 weeks later she kicked me out because a stupid ex texted me about her daughter being in trouble asking if I could help.  I haven't seen or spoke to her in many years...

If it wasn't that, it would have been a dream about me doing something, thinking something and calling it true because she thought she had a "special ability".

[Jimievs]

Sounds familiar with the dreams and thoughts, Im accused of changing because of what she is thinking, if I'm quiet a relaxed it means I'm thinking, she constantly tries to read my facial expressions, only the other day at her parents she completely changed on me because of what she was thinking, her dad felt so awkward, I have done a lot of homework on BPD and used a lot of this advice, and generally diffuse most situations, but as soon as you add alcohol it seems a different story, I can't compete with it

[Sandb2015]

Jimievs,

My love would drink wine at home with consistency, every night a glass and it was never a problem until she started reaching for it when she was having an episode, starting to have one.  It was scary because once she's reaching, it could escalate or calm out.  Alcohol didn't seem to have an impact either way, but the second glass or going downstairs to get a refill meant I may have a very long painful night or a perfect one.

She is self aware enough to know she has some problem.  She does not have enough self awareness that she doesn't know why she ends up uncontrolled on a hamster wheel and that's where the finger pointing starts, splitting I guess.

She has stopped drinking, stopped coffee and she thinks it's some nutritional thing or something else causing her episodes.

So, in a nutshell, it's been alcohol, coffee, some other foods and then me of course, what I am thinking, not thinking, a piss I took eight years ago in a public toilet in Tibet, true.  I've traveled extensively for years, sometimes alone or broke away from the bunch, I can fit in anywhere and that's my personality and mind.

After describing a memory of some traveling somewhere and sharing it in such a way I wanted her to experience it as I did, she does, she would turn it around, change facts and make them permanent to pull from at times during episodes...yup.

Imagine being 15 minutes late or not texting when she wanted one, I'd be cheating.  She at one time thought every time I shaved, I was meeting a lover.

Terrible.

I still love her.

[Harri]

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