Hospital again and guess who gets enlisted to help her?

[Ruskin]

Hi Friends
tough days recently.  Have been moving in the right direction for a while now and then we get a spanner in the works.

Despite getting a most disgusting email from my estranged partner a week ago, an emergency hits her in the last 48 hours (Hospital again)and guess who gets enlisted to help her?  the one she hates so much.  For the 1st time since breakup spent a considerable amount of time with her, and will need to do so for a few days.  Unbelievable.  Least trustworthy but most trustworthy it seems.  She's being as good as gold too... .

Her no contact family is now aiming cupid bows, gosh i just did not need this at the moment

Ruskin

[Ozzie101]

That is a tough spot to be in, Ruskin. These potholes seem to pop up out of nowhere sometimes. Any idea how you're going to handle this when the crisis is over?

[CryWolf]

Hey Ruskin,

how's everything going?

[Ruskin]

That is a tough spot to be in, Ruskin. These potholes seem to pop up out of nowhere sometimes. Any idea how you're going to handle this when the crisis is over?

Hi Ozzie
thats a tough question and has been causing a lot of emotional turmoil.  I know i am already moving off the plan i thought i would be travelling

I think the term for what is happening to me is i am being "recycled"

thank you

[Ruskin]

Hey Ruskin,

how's everything going?

Hi Crywolf
hmm quite badly overall i guess, but i guess i know what i need to do and need to stay strong.  My partner would quite happily have me back in her life.  But she is not willing to acknowledge the reasons  why i left.  Just shocking... .

[Ruskin]

T_T

when your x partner starts family planning preparations with you despite not even being together

just received word of this in a text, yes i'd better be clear considerate and not let her hopes overtake her
I hate having to say things that upset her, but looks like i need make myself clear.

feeling sad, we were virtually no contact  until last week
unbelievable

need get my little brain in gear

[once removed]

I think the term for what is happening to me is i am being "recycled"

recycling the relationship occurs when both parties are not through with the romantic relationship, and give it another try.

whats is the emergency shes dealing with? who enlisted you to help her, was it her, her family, both?

[Ruskin]

r
whats is the emergency shes dealing with? who enlisted you to help her, was it her, her family, both?

Hi Once Removed
it was a general physical health emergency, she called me for help and indeed her family got involved to some degree thereafter

Been helping for a couple of weeks now, hectic times but now stepping back to encourage her take responsibility, which she is to some degree
But she wants me back in our home, thats been made clear and i'm not prepared to go back unless she took ownership for her actions last year.  (she is still in denial)

strangely she does seem like a different person now, sweet and pleasant, none of the raging and less of the paranoia.  I dare not bring up what went on last year for fear of her anger

R

[once removed]

what happened last year?

[Ruskin]

what happened last year?

Thanks for enquiring but that is just too much to go into, but this forum kindly assisted through the immense trauma this year
but in summary just think typical BPD behaviour -- that should just about cover it...

I'm still shattered after it all

[Ruskin]

I guess i am on the verge of being pulled back into this relationship and i know it will be more of the same.  Especially as she thinks she has no mental health issues

Does anyone here think that BPD type episodes can come in cycles?  I ask this as her behaviour over the past 2 weeks or so is a mile apart from what it was last year.  Maybe it is a bit like a honeymoon period... 
I need to ask her if she remembers the extreme abuse she doled out  last year -- maybe she does not remember...

When i look back at the near 10 years of marriage i see a pattern of peaks and deep troughs between when she was at her best and worst, her behaviour was quite cyclical with MAJOR BPD blow ups on an annual basis.

I now understand how she is a manipulative person.  Since seeing her my thought has been like, she has had a very very difficult life, deep down she is loveable and deserves love and why shouldn't i give her that.  Not to be vain on my part but she may not get a more understanding person of her issues (or maybe she would)

if i knew i could be safe in a relationship with her i would happily return but deep down i know i will be in for more of the same, i will be abused and i will be unhappy.

I think if she understood she had a mental health condition  (she previously had a PTSD diagnosis -- from which she believes she is cured), she could change.  But she does not believe she has one, so my dreams are built on fantasy...

thats where i am
gosh i wish i had never been involved with her at all

R

[Red5]

Afternoon Ruskin !

Does anyone here think that BPD type episodes can come in cycles?  I ask this as her behavior over the past 2 weeks or so is a mile apart from what it was last year.

 

Yes, I think there is always type of cycle to this, almost a 'schedule'… predictable after a while.

When I look back at the near 10 years of marriage I see a pattern of peaks and deep troughs between when she was at her best and worst, her behavior was quite cyclical with MAJOR BPD blow ups on an annual basis.

I as well, eleven year r/s, eight year marriage… although… towards the latter part, up to now, she is negative, and 'off' now all the time… resulting in our separation three plus months ago (major blowup/incident).

I now understand how she is a manipulative person.

 

I use the word "controlling"…

Since seeing her my thought has been like, she has had a very very difficult life, deep down she is loveable and deserves love and why shouldn't I give her that. 

I still love my wife too… right now, she says to me, yesterday a phone call about the dog, and as well a deluge of more texts following another phone call… she says, I don't know if I love you anymore?

Not to be vain on my part but she may not get a more understanding person of her issues (or maybe she would).

Another "I as well" there, I told my udx wife last, I could be very good for you, if you would just let me, she 'lit' into me for saying that… then I went to the 'mindful' frame of mind as is described here… https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

If I knew I could be safe in a relationship with her I would happily return but deep down I know I will be in for more of the same, I will be abused and I will be unhappy.

Me2 Ruskin… but I still want to try… I tried my best to get this into her head last night, being my best… letting her cut me to pieces… and blame me… I absorbed it all… but to no avail, she is stalwart, in her repose… she told me that she cant live in this house again with me and my son (autistic) until "changes" are made .. then the next breath (text) she says never… so I validated her, and responded that "I can understand your frustration and anger towards me"… a little SET there?

I think if she understood she had a mental health condition  (she previously had a PTSD diagnosis -- from which she believes she is cured), she could change.  But she does not believe she has one, so my dreams are built on fantasy...

My udx wife refuses any thought of help (therapy/counseling)… I thought she might want to go and sit with our Pastor, but that is over a month ago now .. so not likely it appears, maybe some patience on my part, and prayer… I've been seeking counseling since last August, after the great back yard rampage while her D33 was visiting… and her D33 and Husband witnessed it all : (

If you do reconnect with your wife Ruskin, as Skip told me… learn the tools… before hand, and not during… as you will have a far better chance of successful reconciliation… that's where I'm at… trying to learn the tools (  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0  ) effectively, so if by some miracle, my wife does make a return, maybe things will be different.

Kind Regards, Red5

[Panda39]

I guess i am on the verge of being pulled back into this relationship and i know it will be more of the same.  

I just wanted to point out that you can make a choice here. Allowing yourself to be pulled back in is one choice and deciding not to is another one.  You control what you do.

Panda39

[Ruskin]

I just wanted to point out that you can make a choice here. Allowing yourself to be pulled back in is one choice and deciding not to is another one.  You control what you do.

Panda39

Thank you Panda, true and thanks for reminding me, i should be in control of my own life and i need remember that,
thanks

[Ruskin]

 
Yes, I think there is always type of cycle to this, almost a 'schedule' … predictable after a while.

Hi Red5
Thank you for your words, really kind of you.  Thought provoking and helpful and gives me homework too!

Noted your comment around the word "manipulative" and in your case how you have seen controlling behaviour.  I think probably in my case that word fits best -- controlling.  No one really believes me but I say all the things that my wife does are unintentional, she does not set out to be manipulative but she achieves it nonetheless but I see that controlling may fit the behaviour better.

Thanks for sharing your words around your care and love for your wife.  I can feel you are coming from a good strong place and you have also faith to guide you - Respect...

Blame:  You may be the subject of blame at times like I, but you are putting her before yourself. I can appreciate how hard that is, knowing the potential thoughts our partners hold in their heads about us and may share with their family and friends.  It's tough to know we are often seen through a distorted lens and we have no easy means of defending ourselves.  Takes great inner strength, no doubt you have achieved a lot through working on yourself, when I get my strength together I need improve this in me.

Yes, I read the parallels.

No doubt it is tough, to be honest, I cannot imagine being back in a relationship with my wife.  I went through a very difficult three months in our separation and to think i could (prob won't) end up back with her.  I just can't do it if I have to be viewed the "criminal" -- she believes that mentally she is Aok...  That means to go back would mean nothing is resolved and I would be living the same issues.  And she would be holding an ever greater blame burden on me...

crazy situation
How is it these people can continually throw curved balls at us.  Since writing this post couple of days ago she has
1 Given up Vegetarianism -- all of a sudden  -- VERY out of character for her
2 Told me she wants to permanently quit work...

to me these are big things and they just keep coming...

thanks, R

[Sandb2015]

Ruskin and everyone else...good day.

This is a very sticky situation to say the least because it seems that you have been apart and did make the choice to get involved to some degree again which is bring thoughts and feelings up of "love", connection, missing what was lost...etc, etc,...

You have asked, does she recognize what she did? You want her to do that? Would it make a difference if she did but continued the same behavior?

If you choose to be "involved" again, can you keep a distance and listen to what the others here have said regarding educating yourself about managing yourself while making that decision?

Do you feel pressured, are you thinking about yourself, guilt, a want?

From what you have been sharing, can you say that if the future was different, better, healthier, there is a chance?  Do you feel like the past is something that can't be forgiven unless confronted and confessed?  Can you forgive the past in order to move on together, not together?

I have asked myself these questions with significant depth over and over, each response is very personal to me which guides me to understand what is happening TO ME, WITHIN ME.

Don't use terms we hold onto dearly that originate here or anyway, it may not be suitable for your situation at all. 

Recycling...does it always happen? No

Recycling...does it occur the same way as a mathematical formula? No

Recycling...will it happen at all? No way to know.

I've read all the terms and as much as they have credibility and so do the people who use them, I have thought about those words as rules poured in steel and it became a mind game of labeling that I couldn't shake, not being able to see her anymore as a person, just the pwBPD.  Don't get stuck on the terms, be aware of the possibilities and the endless variables involved.

Keep a "safe" distance for yourself, continue your journey of personal strength while you ask yourself the questions you need to without jumping into anything.

The first thing I heard here was "time is on your side".  It took a while, I got it, forgot it, got it and am holding on to that longer now as a helpful thought to not forget myself and take time for me to be me again without giving up (my story).

[MikeLondon]

Hi Ruskin
I am just back on the forum after 15 months or so of a 'recycling'. My stbx BPDgf is once more in hospital. I am trying to make my escape. I have been to the emergency room with her 50 times or more in the past year. I looked at your post and thought it might have been done by me. Good luck with your situation. I have been with her for almost 7 years and this is the longest period without me escaping( mostly because she is in my flat this time). My gf does not recognize she is mentally/emotionally unwell, she has an eating disorder which has morphed into bowel/digestion 'illnesses' and currently attends hospital believing drs are missing some near fatal illness. She has a BPD diagnosis (buried and unacknowledged by her) her family do not know about it or get it. I am sure she is more 'ill' or in her BPD active phase seriously while she is with me. So tough to leave but know I must.

[Ruskin]

Ruskin and everyone else...good day.

This is a very sticky

Thank you Sandb2015 for your message, sorry i took so long to acknowledge.

I understand your comments around the use of terms and i do sometimes worry while trying to understand what is happening, or when considering behaviours that it is easy to pidgeon hole behaviours into the DSM symptom list.

Recycling did feel a good fit for what had been happen , but i'll concentrate on the situation and myself and tackle it from that angle

thanks, R

[Ruskin]

Hi Ruskin
I am just back on the forum after 15 months or so of a 'recycling'. My stbx BPDgf is once more in hospital. I am trying to make my escape. I have been to the emergency room with her 50 times or more in the past year. I looked at your post and thought it might have been done by me. Good luck with your situation. I have been with her for almost 7 years and this is the longest period without me escaping( mostly because she is in my flat this time). My gf does not recognize she is mentally/emotionally unwell, she has an eating disorder which has morphed into bowel/digestion 'illnesses' and currently attends hospital believing drs are missing some near fatal illness. She has a BPD diagnosis (buried and unacknowledged by her) her family do not know about it or get it. I am sure she is more 'ill' or in her BPD active phase seriously while she is with me. So tough to leave but know I must.

Hi Mike
Thank you for your comments, i am sorry to read of your challenges.  50 times to A&E in a year, my goodness, i can only begin to imagine how taxing that must of been on you both.

Thank you for sharing ref your situation.  Yes we have both had similar experiences.  Not being secure in our own homes is a terrible position to be in.  Before i left, the thought of needing to leave my home was never far away.  During a good spell with my partner there may be a few weeks when stability led to me forgetting the precarious life sharing a home with my partner but invariably this would not last long and i would be back to thinking i'd rather be away from this person & place.

Think through your move carefully.  It looks like you know what you need to do and are doing.  In my case, things had been unbearable for weeks, months (in this 1 episode) and I had things discretely packed so I could gather all that I needed in less than an hour, I even had certain items stored at work.  Seems extreme but there was a threat of violence.  Ironically I did end up telling her I was leaving before I left, I felt I owed her that.

Wishing you well
R

[once removed]

Ruskin,

if there is even a 5% chance of a reconciliation, or if you want to have any kind of friendly relationship with her, id encourage you to post on the Bettering board and learn the tools. Detaching is a board for those working through the stages of grief, and not the best place to get help for improving your situation.

[Ruskin]

Ruskin,

if there is even a 5% chance of a reconciliation, or if you want to have any kind of friendly relationship with her, id encourage you to post on the Bettering board and learn the tools. Detaching is a board for those working through the stages of grief, and not the best place to get help for improving your situation.

Hi Onceremoved, point taken!
When i posted this post it was around 3 weeks ago when i had been pretty much 3 months with almost no contact, but things have developed in the mean time and this post too...  I hope though to keep on top of this challenge and stay in the detaching camp --- will see if i manage

I'll bear in mind your advice for future posts i may have...

Thanks
R.

[once removed]

so hows it going?

[Longterm]

Ruskin, it's tough right?

Nearly 15yrs married here. I know exactly how it feels, try and stay positive.