Discarded during pregnancy

[Discardedman27]

Hello all I am new to the board and in need of desperate help. I have been on limited contact with my ex for almost 3 weeks now. We had extravagant dreams of buying a house together and getting married. We were supposed to be married on February 8th until a big fight ensued.  Up until that fight I had tolerated much abuse physical emotional and mental. This fight however I regrettably lost my nerve I yelled back at her and pushed back. I tried to put her in a restraint to stop hitting me. I triggered a lot of trauma in her by being physical back with her. She called the cops on me and i was arrested for battery.   A couple of weeks after that incident we started talking again. We both agree that it could never get that out of hand and she admitted that she was at fault and that she was sorry. I express how sorry I was that I lost my cool with her. To top it off she is 15 weeks pregnant with my child. We tried to make it work by taking it slow in not getting in meshed I had moved out into my own place and would see her on the weekends. I made every effort to show my support and love with my actions and words by getting things for the child by getting her groceries etc.  On our last date 3 weeks ago I had expressed my feelings of feeling disconnected  I expressed how i missed the love that we once had and i felt her coldness and avoidance.  She went into a pit of the rage again and said that she had lost feelings for me. After that she discarded me and canceled couples therapy.  It appears that she is not trying to reconcile anything at the moment. I've been doing good working on myself reaching out going to therapy.. But every day I think about her and the baby I want so badly to be by her and support her and watch her belly grow.  I've attempted to reach out saying that I miss her and that she still matters to me. Her response was very cold and negative. I don't want to move on I don't want to work out a parenting plan I'm not ready to accept the overwhelming change in my life without her. I've heard it called love bombing but I truly believe there is a beautiful person inside of her and they truly feel bad about her illness.  She has been diagnosed with an attachment disorder buy not BPD.  After living with her for a year the symptoms are unavoidable.  She is a high functioning borderline with co-morbid narcissistic traits. She's not into self harming but she is a recovering addict and could use.  She meets almost all the traits of a borderline personality. Still I know all this and I want to be with her. But it feels like she doesn't even know me anymore she sees me as someone entirely different. I've never had my heart dragged through the mud like this for so long.  This is the worst pain I've ever felt.  What I really want to know is if anybody has had experience with a pregnant partner with BPD.  I still love her and I still want to try to work things out even though she doesn't at the moment she says she's not ready to figure anything out. Thank you for reading

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello Discardedman27! Welcome to the BPD family!

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Being split black by a loved one with BPD is incredibly painful and bewildering. So is being cut out of that person's life.

I don't have experience with the pregnancy angle, but I do know what it's like to be in a volatile relationship with a pwBPD.

She's discarded you and hasn't shown any hope or interest in renewing the relationship, is that right? Has she ever done something like this before?

Unfortunately, if one party isn't interested in a relationship, there's really not anything the other party can do about it. A pregnancy does complicate things. I'm not sure what legal rights you might have there regarding your unborn child, but other members may have more experience or you might want to ask a lawyer.

[Discardedman27]

Yeah no hope or interest as of yet. There has been hope before after discards but this one is colder. She has discarded me before but this is the worst. I'm trying to respect her space and let her reach out but I think about her every minute. She's pregnant and I want to be there but don't want to be to pushy...so I wait. I still want her to know I care though so I sent her some things for the baby that I bought online. Still no thank you or any message. It's really painful. I know I'm being painted black but she usually comes around. I'm reading as much as I can to better myself and how to communicate with her in the meantime. I'm so lost though

[Purplex]

Hi Discardedman27, i'd like to join Ozzie101 and welcome you to the family 

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this harsh rejection. It must be so painful to be separated from her and the baby and I hope she will reach out soon.
 
I agree that it's important to give her space and wait for her to come around, while reassuring her that you support her and care about her and the baby and it's a great idea to educate yourself in the meantime. Did you take a look at the articles and workshops on this board?
I find this one to be a good introduction to the different communication tools: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0
Do you think those could be helpful to you?
Feel free to share and discuss anything you come across that resonates with you.

[Discardedman27]

Thank you

So she did reach out today to say thank you for the baby stuff and told me I didn't need to do that. I told her that I care and I'm just trying to help anywhere I can. I asked how she was feeling and we talked a little. I asked her if we could meet on Saturday and she said she would think about it. She proceeded to belittle me saying how sensitive (emo) i was. And mocked me. I successfully did not react but played along light heartedly. Then she went to a paranoia of me seeing someone else and I assured her that's not the case. She told me she doesn't even entertain the thought of meeting anybody. She feels all men are weak and disgusting ...long story short a used a whole lot of validation. It works...But it feels so one sided. I'm desperate for validation. I miss the love bombs. This girl is so cold and cruel right now. I'm hoping she will swing back...I'm sure the hormones do not help. My ego is effected a bit because she seems to attack my sensitive side. I wanted to argue and ridicule but I refrained. It's a start I guess. I have more to learn about communication with her. My biggest hope is that she gets diagnosed then I feel we have a chance. Till then I don't see her changing but I remain patient with her. I truly love her unconditionally even though I don't think she can reciprocate that.

[Ozzie101]

It's not easy to be the target of that sort of abuse and ridicule. I've been there -- with a sister in my teens and with my husband during his bad phase. It really helped me to have an outlet. This board was one. I also had my parents and my therapist.

Do you have any outlets? You can count this board as one. And you mentioned having a therapist, which is great. But is there anyone else you can talk to about all this as well? My therapist told me to pick someone who would be caring, non-judgmental (wouldn't try to tell me "Leave him" but would let me make my own decisions), trustworthy. For me, that was my parents.

In the meantime, just stay patient and non-confrontational.

As for diagnosis, it's not a disorder that's easy to diagnose. Many people here have undiagnosed loved ones -- like my H. But they show some of the symptoms, so the tools are helpful regardless. And even with diagnosis, unfortunately, there's no guarantee that they'll seek real help.