Part 2: Moved out after an argument, I want to go home after reading Eggshells

[Lost in LA]

Mod Note:  Part one of this thread is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334714.0

After a 7 hour trip I made it back to L.A. Her ex husband picked me up at the airport and we spoke for an hour. My stepson beaming with anticipation was texting like there was no tomorrow.

My wife on the other hand took meds and went to sleep before I got home. She did ask him to wake her when I got home. I didnt expect a warm welcome. I have read that a person with bp is on one end or the other. Good or bad, I’m guessing I’m still in the bad section.

This morning she did come out and wished me a good morning. Then 30 minutes later I get a text she wants to be left alone. She has made it clear that I’m not to physically in close proximity to her because she’s still very mad.

So yes a confusing day to say the least. I did yard work most of the day.  She restated that I’m a guest that I need to go look for work in the AM. Now the weird part, the locks were changed by the landlord, and my wife told me she only has one key.

So, one step at a time. Her aunt must have called her a dozen times today. I’m guessing to see how she was. Looking around the house I can see she tried to erase me if you can call it that. There are a few things I found, but anything with the wedding, our our photos is gone.

How I’m processing this is we are at a new chapter. I can not fault her, since we were talking divorce. What’s more important, material things or our marriage. I pick the marriage.

The other thing is test questions all day.more like bating questions. I took the emotion out of the equation and just answered.

All in all, the hardest part is I just want to hold my wife, tell her I love her, and that things will be okay. But for now, it’s better not to put feelings back into the mix. I have faith, and I know I can do this.

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[Red5]

This is a very delicate time frame LA, be on your game, “tools”’at the ready... if she wants to project onto you, let her, she will test you like no tomorrow for quite a while I imagine... she is gong to push push push... just let her,

Just listen to her... find little things to validate her, drop your defenses... your shields... as you can, look through the information here on how to handle and interact with her (pw/BPD)...

Steady as she goes, on hour, one day at a time...

The mere fact that you are back home in the house with her again is a huge step...

I will tell you like I was told... “play the long game”... this will be a journey... a marothon, not a sprint...

Be ever mindful... she is still very angry... and you know how pw/BPD is in regards to anger and projection, shame, and their thought processes... as they say; “go easy”,

Give her room to maneuver... she is going to test you pretty hard, keep posting,

Kind Regards, Red5

[Lost in LA]

Thank you. I forgot to mention that I think she changed her name back to her kids dads name. After she divorced the husband who beat her, I begged her to take my name. She never did. I can remember my wife saying something about her old divorce papers in the last few weeks. I found mail on the table with her former married name.

It was important to me, that she had my last name. Over a year passed and she never did. Then boom changed to her former married name.

Now I see it as it’s important for her to be my wife. The name, is just a name.

I’m hurt, but again she and I both thought we were divorcing. I’m not sure what to think. I need help processing this

[Red5]

I’m hurt, but again she and I both thought we were divorcing. I’m not sure what to think. I need help processing this

My wife and I have been separated since 1 December... we only started to talk at the six week into time mark, like you... I also thought it was over, she moved out lock stock and barrel... we separated the bank accounts... the phones... she took everything she wanted out of our home... bare walls and floors... I went to see a lawyer... in North Carolina you have to be separated a year before you can petition for divorce...

But over the last two months... the talks have not been so harsh... as in her projecting onto me...blaming me, telling me it’s all my fault etc’

She has bought a home, a whole another house !... and is moving out of her rental the end of April into this house... she says... “if we do decide to reconcile this will be a rental property for us”... it worries me, but I know I can’t control... so I just use validation... she wanted to know what I thought... like as it too expensive... “do you think we could rent it out one day”... hmmm,

She calls me every couple of days to tell me this that or the other... like she’s still here, “telling me what I need to be doing”...

It’s confusing... but at least she is not so BPD’ish to me at the moment... I think she is confused too...

I think your wife thought it was over... so she “took steps”, “made changes”...  but that has stopped, but you can see what she’s done while you were away...’evidence of’...

I bought some new furniture as she took most of it out of here... and I remember thinking... “boy, she’s going to be mad at me for buying a new couch, love seat, a new bed, and a used dining room table”...

Oh’ yes, she threw up all the “separation” of finances and phones to me... she really let me have it... but I just let her mentally whack me about my stack and swivel... I let her “get it all out”...

My advice is to just “let it ride”...  none of the “name change” issues are of much consequence, not right now anyways...

Count your blessings... you are back in the house with your wife, and your step son... and you are now aware of what BPD means... so forge forward with this...

One day at a time... don’t pressure her...

I’ve seen my wife one time quite by accident since she moved out... she was coming out of a local store and we crossed paths...  brief small talk was exchanged... I kept my sunglasses on, and she let me give her a short one armed hug, as I embraced her, I told her I loved her and that it was good to see her... and that was it...

It was sure good to see her, she looks very different to me...

My wife has stage four cancer and her prognosis is not good, all the more reason I want to reconcile (fog)...

This is hard stuff... I do wish my wife would comeback home... maybe she will one day... like you... “if only I’d known more sooner”...then ’maybe’...

You need to process that you two were about to start the mechanics of divorce... you had moved out... so what you are seeing around the house is the evidence... the physical evidence of that... it was happening... but now it has stopped... she has allowed you back home... take faith in this... hopefully over time she will warm up to you again... your going to have to be very patient... just as I am...

Hang in there LA,

Red5  

[Radcliff]

Red5 covered the bases well.  Hang in there.  One day at a time.  Keep us posted.

RC

[Lost in LA]

Wow, after hearing what you’re going through Red, I need to be thankful. There is always someone that is going through a rougher time.

This morning was okay. My wife left for work, while I waited for my stepson to leave for school. My wife and I both agreed that I would leave all of my things in the truck and just bring in my suitcase, so we wouldn’t confuse or upset him.

As I went to leave, that same letter in an envelope was still laying on the kitchen table with her new name on it. Knowing my wife, she’s making sure I saw it. I know, we will probably talk about it sooner than later. So a non emotional response is needed here. I do have the wagons circled, shields up, fully dressed for battle. I’m sure she can sense that. I’m just very nervous with a side order of anxiety . My tension is also keeping her somewhat defensive.

 Please do not take this the wrong way, going through this is so much more stressful than when my wife was passing away. I understood cancer, but with this, it’s changing every moment that passes. I’m off balance, in a world that is new to me.

I was surprised when her ex told me he wanted to warn me about what I was getting into, but was afraid he would have come across as a bitter husband. As for our conversations, he and I agree it would be extremely hurtful to my wife if she found out we were talking. Betrayal is another massive thing with her. To this point I have not lied to her, but in this case I’ll keep that to myself.

I’m sorry to keep posting my thoughts, but, this has turned out to be a very valuable source of support.

[Red5]

Wow, after hearing what you’re going through Red, I need to be thankful. There is always someone that is going through a rougher time.

Like running that old PFT… most times there are always a couple of Marines behind you, so keep up your pace, watch your breathing, and keep your eye on the stop watch : )

As I went to leave, that same letter in an envelope was still laying on the kitchen table with her new name on it. Knowing my wife, she’s making sure I saw it.

I know, we will probably talk about it sooner than later. So a non emotional response is needed here. I do have the wagons circled, shields up, fully dressed for battle. I’m sure she can sense that. I’m just very nervous with a side order of anxiety . My tension is also keeping her somewhat defensive.

Like I said earlier, don't worry about what has already happened, build for tomorrow (positive)… what is "hers" is hers, let her own that (letter)… you are correct, no emotional responses, don't do it my friend, don't!… she will sense your sensitivity, and it may set her off, she is already on edge, and processing… and she is processing in BPD code… don't exacerbate this… Id drop my shields (Mr. Sulu)… find ways to self sooth, especially if she points her deck mount at you… don't take the bait, remember what I said about "testing"… your about to get a college entrance exam… when BPD senses anxiety, that means they may feel threatened, and afraid, because you (the non) are acting week (anxiety)… pw/BPD crave "structure", she is expecting you to be "stalwart", and that means if she smacks your hull with her ballpeen hammer, your going to have to just take it .. let her set the pace here… and just listen and validate her… "build time", build tomorrow (positive).

I was surprised when her ex told me he wanted to warn me about what I was getting into, but was afraid he would have come across as a bitter husband. As for our conversations, he and I agree it would be extremely hurtful to my wife if she found out we were talking. Betrayal is another massive thing with her. To this point I have not lied to her, but in this case I’ll keep that to myself.

You need to be very careful with this… very careful, if she ever got wind of that, you're sunk… I think he (ex) means well, but you need to practice opsec here… you may find, if you haven't already, that as you go along in your r/s with your BPDw… you will find yourself editing everything you ever say to her, so as to not "set her off"… I did this a lot… I wouldn't call it lying exactly, but perhaps "redacting"… and or "plausible deniability"… what Granny used to say, "what they don't know wont hurt them"… for example… your coworker left early for the day, so on your way home, you "check in"… but you do not mention that coworker departed the pattern earlier than you, because you know that will set her off .. "he's always leaving early, your always staying late, you don't care about me, all you care about is your job, I hate you"… see, all because I told her Mr. Stevo had a bad day, and went to his tree stand… so If I'd never mentioned it, in the first place, then we would be snuggling on the leather couch, instead of getting the silent treatment for three days (true story by the way)… yeah, be careful with your interactions with her ex… that's kryptonite Man,

I’m sorry to keep posting my thoughts, but, this has turned out to be a very valuable source of support.

Don't, you keep posting, there are many here that can help you as you navigate this… I think you're a lucky man to have been given another chance here, many don't ever get this chance… to finally win one back from the dark side, that would be awesome : )

Best Regards LA, Red5

[Lost in LA]

RSo very helpful, I will gradually back away from her ex. He was kind enough to point me in the right direction.

My wife looked right through me today and blasted me with both barrels. I figured it would start today as her son is now back at his dads for a week. I was told that I need to leave the house by 0630 everyday she is at work. Now for the translation, from her aunt, her ex was allowed to stay in the house and he cleaned her out. Didn’t even leave ice cubes in the freezer kind of thing.

Then her aunt moved on to talk about the drivers license name change. I’m not sure it occurred. So if you take all of my concerns and put them in a bag then pull them out and fire it at me, one by one, then sit back and watch, is what she’s doing. Her uncle addressed the letter as he didn’t know how to talk with her so he chose that name.

 Soo like you said what is done is done. Today was a good day. Yes I was blasted hard, but her aunt knew it was coming.  I failed part of the test, because I asked if she had changed her mind. That statement was met with anger. Translation from her aunt, she needs to see what I’m going to say or do after she turns up the heat. She’s terrified I’m going to leave again.  Her aunt talked to her and in 30 minutes my wife was talking to me in a normal voice.

I do feel more at peace, after talking to her aunt. Like you said I won the lottery so to speak.

So what we have are two different things going on. What she’s telling me vs what she’s telling her aunt.  My wife does need space but needs me close. The not having a job is a major issue. To which I interviewed today for a new job that pays more than the last job I had. Fingers crossed on that one. The other is as a investigator for the coroners office.

Time and patience on all fronts is needed.

[Red5]

Hey LA, sounds like you are persevering, my best advice is to rig for heavy weather... I think your wife is going to continue the “both barrels” for quite some time... remember that pw/BPD number one fear is the fear of abandonment... so she is gong to test you relentlessly on this aspect... hang tough and just take it...

As I read your post about her Uncle and her Aunts involvement... it seems alright and above board... but I have to give you a bit of caution... a few terms here (homework)...
*read about “ Karpmans Triangle “...’ triangularization ‘... and how it may relate to your situation.

*the term/saying about blood and water... I’m sure you’ve heard it... you need to understand it right now.

*this is a bit ‘slang’ but to me it’s relevant to what your posting... the term is “flying monkeys”... this goes back to the family of origin (foo), the blood and water (thicker) analogy and the Karpmans Triangle thing... be wary of how much involvement is leaved by your wife’s family... her “foo”...

Be advised that the blood foo will turn on you in a moment... keep that in your “gunny bag”...

Be mindful, trust but be wary and verify... watch how much you share and say to her ‘foo’...

Hope all this “blather” of mine helps...

Best of luck in your employment searches...

The stability that you provide to the home and marriage will be crucial... pw/BPD need structure and security... which is directly wired to their fear of abandonment...

So far so good, steady as she goes... don’t “smother her”... either... pw/BPD also fear engulfment as it erodes their need to “control”...

Tough stuff... and it can be very emotionally exhausting trying to keep the needles centered and the horizon vertical at all times...

We got your “six” LA,

Keep posting Brother,

Red5

  

[Radcliff]

I second Red5's thought that she'll smell anxiety and tension.  Be confident (OK, don't laugh, just do it ;)  Don't ask her for reassurance.  Be her rock, as Red5 suggested.

RC

[Lost in LA]

The triangle is exactly is what is going on, but kind of defined our relationship. I was the rescuer,  and she responded to all the help I would give. In her talking to me over the last few weeks she talked about the safety blanket I gave her.

Back to her having some knowledge of this subject, she would get so upset if I played the martyr as she called it. I saw it as being nice. So some self work needed there. Only a guess is that she may have tried to self heal by reading

[Lost in LA]

To continue the thoughts, last night was calm for the most parts. I’m noticing her reaching out some. Our bedroom was down the hallway in our ranch home. She spends a lot of time in there, watching tv, reading, art projects and what not. A safety zone for her. Now from what I have been told from multiple sources, her mother did the same exact thing. So I’m not sure if it is learned or natural habits.
Depending on how the dog is acting depends on if the door is opened or closed. So throughout the evening it’s open and closed. Now my job is to give her that safe zone. I don’t walk down there, a near 30’. So last night she would randomly check to see what I was doing. “Is that Armageddon your watching” is what I hear while I’m sitting in the living room. She then tells me a bit about the movie. (She was a dialogue editor in Hollywood for six years) we both share a passion for movies. Some time passes, 20 or 30 minutes pass and she comes out of the bedroom and tells me she thought she heard the dog. Well he’s asleep on my lap. This went on until around 9pm. Trying to bed down as 5 am comes fast especially on the couch . Her door still  open I hear her ask me are you going to sleep?
The evening just reminded me of my kids who didn’t want to go to bed.

So yesterday the rules set in granite, you need to leave at 630 when I do. I don’t want the house cleaned out.
So lucky me waking up at 0400 I wait until my alarm, get up and get dressed in the one outfit I have to my name. (I did find dress pants in the attic last night thank goodness) and I’m waiting for her to finish getting ready so we both can leave. She comes out and asks where is the dog, but instead she’s looking at my outfit. She says don’t you have anything else to wear. (My brain clicks and my new reply is, it’s okay this outfit will work fine) the old response would be no you threw all of my clothes away.

She retreats to the bedroom and comes back out a few times, I could tell she had something in her hand. Not a weapon thank goodness. It turned out she was processing if she was going to give me a house key. Well she sis, and advised me if I clean out the house, she will use every person in the world to track me down. Her mind then shifts and tells me that’s her sons key “I only have one extra” don’t make me regret this. ( simple reply from me I won’t)
That’s where we stand as of now. She’s off to work and I just get a text please don’t make a fool of me.. my short reply I won’t.
It’s helping that I delete her text messages. You will read so much into even the simple thoughts.

Playing the long game, counting my blessings. I’m back home and now have a key. I will hold that as hope.

[Red5]

I’m noticing her reaching out some.

Let her come to you, this is like coaching a scared little kitten out from under the bed, or out of the closet… your going to have to build trust again with her… ain't going to happen over night… going to take a long time, and many tests (validation), administered by her.

Our bedroom was down the hallway in our ranch home. She spends a lot of time in there, watching tv, reading, art projects and what not. A safety zone for her.

She's been on her own for a little while now so respect her privacy… 'build time'… to quote the "Dragline character" from the old movie "Cool Hand Luke"  

Now from what I have been told from multiple sources, her mother did the same exact thing. So I’m not sure if it is learned or natural habits.

As you study BPD, and as well other 'pd's'… you will find/surmise, that they are in most cases, 'generational'… family secrets in fact, which make me think of Aunts involvement here… what do you know of her mother, or father, siblings?, the foo history (behaviors)… sometimes, seeing and understanding the generational phenomenon of this BPD, will help you in your own relationship, as in; "reverse engineer", or in your case, 'investigate' the means to the end so to speak, foreknowledge is crucial here, if Grandma was a 'controller', then look at mom(MIL), and aunts, uncles… and that will 'carbon paper' right onto your wife… if you can identify a trigger, then you can avoid it.

… my job is to give her that safe zone. I don’t walk down there, a near 30’. So last night she would randomly check to see what I was doing. “Is that Armageddon your watching” is what I hear while I’m sitting in the living room. She then tells me a bit about the movie.

...Some time passes, 20 or 30 minutes pass and she comes out of the bedroom and tells me she thought she heard the dog.…this went on until around 9pm...trying to bed down as 5 am comes fast especially on the couch . Her door still  open I hear her ask me are you going to sleep?

She is testing you, she is checking your boundaries, verse hers… remember the "kitten under the bed" thing… remember the "engulfment/abandonment" synopsis of BPD… its for real !… "all ahead slow"… "steady as she goes"… remember that it has to be her that sets the pace, and the path, back to the marriage bed for the both of you… it may take a very long time… after many of her tests… remember 'patience'… and count your blessing that your back in the same house with her… hopefully, slowly, over time, she will begin to trust again, and let down her guard… you just play it cool.

So yesterday the rules set in granite, you need to leave at 630 when I do. I don’t want the house cleaned out.

Keep honoring this until she changes the rule…

So lucky me waking up at 0400 I wait until my alarm, get up and get dressed in the one outfit I have to my name.…she’s looking at my outfit...she says "don’t you have anything else to wear."

(My brain clicks and my new reply is, it’s okay this outfit will work fine) the old response would be no you threw all of my clothes away.

Your doing good… this was yet another test, she may even be doing this subconsciously now… she knows very well where your old clothes are at… play it cool, don't take the bait… your doing great!… you may, at some point, insert the job search angle, "I'd like to go shopping for work attire some time soon, maybe we could do lunch"… remember, not "too much"… she is that scared little kitten still, so to speak, keep building trust.

She retreats to the bedroom and comes back out a few times, she had something in her hand... turned out she was processing if she was going to give me a house key...she is,

...and advised me if I clean out the house, she will use every person in the world to track me down...her mind then shifts and tells me...“I only have one extra” don’t make me regret this.

Further tests… she is starting to trust you a little already…  

…she’s off to work and I just get a text please don’t make a fool of me...my short reply I won’t.

She is tapping your hull with that ballpeen hammer… its ok though, take the little she gives, and make something good of it… don't copy that key… that's something ya'll could do together at some point… remember to let her "lead" here… your on the "trustee program" for a while… don't be like "Cool Hand Luke" and make a "run for it"… this is the "long game"… your in uncharted waters here… be ready for those "double barrels"… I don't think she is out of "birdshot" yet… just absorb it, and try to find something in it all to validate her…

It’s helping that I delete her text messages. You will read so much into even the simple thoughts.

Probably a good habit… sometimes we read to far in between the lines… and create things in our minds that aren't there to begin with (phantoms)…

Just as a pw/BPD may do… feelings equal facts… thus creating "false fear"… f-e-a-r = "false evidence appearing real"… then boom!… dysregulation -> fear of abandonment… engulfment (I cant breath, need to fight!)… "pw/BPD checks out, needs to control to get back "in control"… burn all bridges, with a flamethrower… "ouch", and woe betide the hapless codependent non whom may be standing on that metaphorical bridge… you get my drift  : (

Playing the long game, counting my blessings. I’m back home and now have a key. I will hold that as hope.

This is awesome !… pretty soon you will be a little further down that 30' of hallway Brother… don't rush her, give her room to maneuver, pretty soon, that little scared kitten will be purring in your lap : )

Have a good day LA!… Red5

[Lost in LA]

As for her family background, her mom is said to be just like my wife, and could be bp or BPD. Her father physically abused her, and her sister was the bad seed, but treated as a favorite. She was made to cook family dinner at 12yo because her mom would not come out of the bedroom.

They are not close at all. During the custody battle, her mom and sister testified against her in court. It was just after we married that they started talking again.

She cries about the loss of her connection with her dad. I’m not sure actually how we are together, meaning I’m the exact opposite of her past choices.

I’ve gotten a few messages from my wife today. No tone so that’s a positive thing.

[Red5]

...her mom is said to be just like my wife,

I figured as much LA... and me2... in my uBPDw's "Foo"... it is (pd's) prevalent, in the siblings, the MIL (mum), and the aunts, and all the way back to Grandma... looking at the generational dynamics is interesting, and it can provide us with very valuable insight as to just exactly what we are living in, and dealing with...

...her father physically abused her, and her sister was the bad seed, but treated as a favorite.

More information, insight... sometimes the children in a dysfunctional family play different roles, the "golden child", the "scapegoat"... the "invisible one"... and the "court jester"... the kids even fill in for a parent, and take the role of father, or mother of the others... in the most extreme and abusive, they actually replace the mom, or even the dad... wow ; (

...she was made to cook family dinner at 12yo because her mom would not come out of the bedroom.

Sounds like "Foo" mom was checked out... and that has obviously carbon papered off onto your wife... but at least you know now... its like knowing the ins and outs of the "software load" .. you know how much it can take, and also how not to overload the "system"... now that you know all this, how do you think it will effect your day to day relationship with your wife, honest question.

...they are not close at all.

And its a bet, that they never will be... this is ongoing in my own "Foo"... my mother has been "ostracized" by her surviving two sisters... decades ago now... they are in their late seventies, and Aunt Gloria is eighty something... wow ; (

...during the custody battle, her mom and sister testified against her in court.

Toxic... there is no remission from that, I'm afraid, there is a lot of hurt there, it amazes me how those who are close can have the wherewithal to hurt so viciously those that are closest to them... and justify it.

...she cries about the loss of her connection with her dad. I’m not sure actually how we are together, meaning I’m the exact opposite of her past choices.

The loss of "Mom and Dad"... has created what I've read as a "hole in the soul"... and the pw/BPD is constantly trying to fill this "hole"... but most times, without intensive emotional, mental therapy (CBT/DBT), they will continue in this quest (destructive) for a life time... I offer my own mother as example... and as well my own wife (1st & 2nd)... so how did we come to be with these women?, I've read a lot about "trauma bonding"... and it makes sense to me... I may go out on a limb here... most likely, you and I share the same personality attributes... we are probably caretakers, "knights in shining amour"... well maybe not so shiny, but high mileage, beaten up, riding in on a stallion, rode hard and wet now... and we want to rescue that damsel in distress... 

"Trauma Bonding"... "White Knight"... all very interesting, I certainly fit that bill back in 1984, and again in 2007 ; )

Yes, the wounded little girl, she was hurt everyday, for a long time, years even... and now as an adult, even senior, 40-50's... at this point, we can only persevere, these are deep rooted issues... difficult to unlock, and trying to "re-program"... that may be quite futile.

Yes, continue to learn about her, her history, her family... so the better you will be able to relate to her... and understand why she is who she is...

Keep Posting LA... we got your "six" !

Red5

[Lost in LA]

Today was a good day with my wife. Going to hold onto that, enjoying the calm, and will post tomorrow.

[Red5]

Today was a good day with my wife.

Going to hold onto that, enjoying the calm, and will post tomorrow.

Rest easy... you’ve certainly earned it!

As you enjoy this time with her... I’ve a few pointers...
*beware the comfort zone.
*give back only part of what she gives... I mean affection, don’t smother... remember “the fear of engulfment”.
*don’t go down that 30’ unless invited... guided by her, if she gets “uncomfortable”... be prepare to retreat.
*keep in mind that as you feel more and more relaxed with her, that she could turn on you in a split second... if she does, default to your mindful state, engage the “tools” and just listen to her and “ride it out”.

... enjoy her company... just be ever aware that she is testing you... and that this may go on for a very long time...

If you sleep on the couch tonight... don’t despair... this is a marothon...  not a 1000 yard dash...

Enjoy what she is emotionally able to give right now.

And remember... to count your blessings... even name them one by one... to quote my Grandmother... who is “up yonder” now.

Check back in when you can, we are all wishing you the best LA!

Regards !

Red5

[Radcliff]

Congratulations on the progress, and a rather smooth re-entry! (knock on wood)

You're probably recognizing that when she comes out of the bedroom with a comment about the movie or question about the dog, these are what John Gottman calls "bids."  The cost of a "missed bid" is high -- when one partner asks for attention and it is not given.  When she makes a bid, are you giving her your full attention and meeting her?  Red5's kitten analogy is a good one.  We definitely want that kitten to get what she wants when she pokes her head out.

About the key, I was going to say to make several copies, but I understand Red5's caution.  Balance the pros and cons as you see fit.

While you're working hard to mend things with her and find a job, are you also taking care of yourself?  Do you have the finances to cover a couple more work outfits?  Are you reconnecting with any friends, or taking some time for enjoyable activities during the time you're out of the house?

RC

[Lost in LA]

Yesterday was basically for me to let my guard down. Tension was way down, and my wife was continuing to interact more frequently with her short questions. Changing them up some, and coming out to the kitchen a few more times.

Since I interviewed Monday and Tuesday, and going back to Tuesday’s interview again today, she had made the comment that once your working we can start talking about us. So I will be couch bound for a while. I’ve slept in worse places in the military. I was up this morning before my wife had gotten up. I got ready for my interview, and was dressed waiting on the couch. As she was leaving for work, she told me I looked nice. It kind of shocked me. She had never said that before. But I’ll take that as a win.

It seems that her fear that I’m going to clean her out, is fading.  She told me her and her son are going to her aunts in Florida for the Easter break. This is not out of the ordinary, we have done it a few times before, so no anxiety there.

So yesterday was a good day, and today is a new day. Not bracing, but ready for this roller coaster ride to drop fast back into the negative feeling.

[Red5]

Yesterday was basically for me to let my guard down.

Tension was way down, wife was continuing to interact more frequently with her short questions / changing them up some,

Remember, "guard down" is the comfort zone… be careful, but not rigid, just "prepared"… mindful, tools at the ready, also you don't want to physically appear nervous, agitated, or emotionally "bent"… pw/BPD will pick up on that pretty quick, and that's not good.

... going back to Tuesday’s interview again today, she had made the comment that once your working we can start talking about us.

… pw/BPD seem to get along a little better when there is structure, stability, and schedule to their lives… pw/BPD cannot handle "uncontrolled disorder", stressful interactions, and events, “out of the blue” stuff… or threats to their perceived stability of the home, either real or “imagined”… insert fear of abandonment here… this is one of the main reasons pw/BPD will try "control" everything, and everyone around them… the control is for them to stave off that fear of ____… yes, once your employed again, I think things will get a little better between you and your wife : )

So I will be couch bound for a while. I’ve slept in worse places in the military.

Yes!  … me2… when we turned my middle sons bedroom into a home office after he moved out to be on his own (uBPDw is stepmom / blended family situation at onset)… she said, "let’s put a couch in there, so me… "thinking"… the criteria was for this couch to be brown leather, and large enough, and comfortable enough to sleep on… and let me tell you, over the years; I've spent many a night, nights on that old couch… usually during the silent treatment times, lasting anywhere from a few days, to weeks, to over a month… after she moved out, it was about ten weeks before I could make myself purchase a new bed to sleep on… and your military comment, me2! ah’ yes … I was a Marine for almost half my life, and I turned fifty-three on Monday : )

I was up this morning before my wife had gotten up. I got ready for my interview, and was dressed waiting on the couch.

Good luck today LA!… I hope you are able to gain rewarding, and meaningful employment in your field of expertise (SME)… as you probably already know… whatever job/career you go to everyday .. after a while, will become therapeutic for you, a respite, a bastion, a safe harbor, a safe place… as you continue in your marriage relationship with your BPD (dx?) wife, that is just the way it is it seems… for many of us here.

As she was leaving for work, she told me I looked nice. It kind of shocked me.

… good stuff, and you should return the positive comments to her… just don't overdo it… not yet anyway.

She had never said that before. But I’ll take that as a win.

Remember what I said about "taking what she is able to give right now"… the "Charlie Sheen meme" just popped into my head "winning!"   : )

It seems that her fear that I’m going to clean her out, is fading.  She told me her and her son are going to her aunts in Florida for the Easter break. This is not out of the ordinary, we have done it a few times before, so no anxiety there.

Trust, and mutual respect is never a given, it has to be earned over time… I'm sure we both learnt this in the military, same in a marriage as well… remember Cool Hand Luke's friend "Dragline" (George Kennedy actor)… "we just gonna build time here Luke, yeah, we gonna build time"… so do you have any idea (gut instinct) about you perhaps accompanying your wife, and your stepson to Florida?… it’s still several weeks away... another BPD’ism is… pw/BPD will say one thing one day, and then something different (180 degrees) the next… maybe part of their nonstop testing of us, the “non”.

So yesterday was a good day, and today is a new day.

One day at a time LA… sometimes it gets down to hour by hour… you’re going to have to weather the storms when they come… I think she still has a long way to go yet… you're doing great !

Not bracing, but ready for this roller coaster ride to drop fast back into the negative feeling.

You know, it’s done me a whole lot of good to read up, and learn about cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)… and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)… I've learned so much… and I've been able to not only add tools to my mental toolbox… but I've managed to sharpen, and "oil" the ones I already was using… "metaphorically"… I have to say, I was doing it all wrong for so long… I did a lot of damage due to not being mindful, empathetic, I was extremely invalidating, even at a point sarcastic (JADE/Flight & Fight), and I did not try to understand, due to my own anger towards her for the way I was being treated (perceived)... I failed to understand… just exactly what it means to be a borderline person… I thought I knew a lot from my first marriage... but I didn't… and I had a lot of baggage as well… we both did.

Now I'm trying desperately to "rebuild"… there is a glimmer of hope… all I can do is my best.

I had this crazy idea… as my uBPDw at the moment flatly refuses therapy, as she has got too much else going on, she is indeed fighting for her life right now with her cancer dx ; (

… anyways… she won’t talk about it, and denies she has any dx as far as a disorder (BPD/npd et’ all)… she will however say to me… "I know I have a very bad temper, I have all my life, and it getting worse"… so my crazy idea… if she won’t go to therapy, for BPD ~> CBT/DBT… then I will, I'll go, I'll learn, and as the fella said (Dr. Jordan Peterson) on the YouTube video… when somebody asked him how do you deal with a pw/BPD… he said, "you set the example"… so that's what I'm trying to do…

Have a great day LA!

Regards, Red5

[Lost in LA]

So I’m guessing if I say “ What we have here is a failure to communicate” wouldn’t fly well. And I surely know I can’t eat 50 eggs. Lol

Happy 53, I turn 54 in May.

As for the work front, I was hired today. My wife was thrilled. Then minutes later started blasting me “ if you didnt abandon your family or your life you wouldn’t have had to do this”  it was via text so I was very careful as to my reply. Text can be read 100 different ways. Even I do that.

I enjoyed yesterday as a chance to take a breath. I know that this is going to be a long haul. This evening has been nice. Instead of her calling out she has made at least 5 trips just to check the dog who’s sleeping, next to me.

[Radcliff]

Congrats on the new job!  The frequent dog checks are a good sign, too

RC

[Lost in LA]

Thank you. Each day is different, with less brutal attacks. What my mind has been doing is trying to think about prior to the purse fight, how she was acting. Meaning our normal, day. I’m seeing that she had a lot under control. But when we argued, everything came unraveled, and she couldn’t, reign it back in. It was the first time that I had actually confronted her. With everything I said she was caught in an obvious lie, compounded by another lie, to the point that I actually backed her into a corner. So what was in the shadows was out or obvious.

She had stayed home from work for days. I’m guessing that she was stuck in a loop trying to get out. But by me being her primary support system, I was gone adding abandonment her greatest fear, she was in shut down mode. Not knowing about BPD I took it as where did my wife go and who is the woman who was brutally verbally attacking me.

I’ve been looking at myself and “what I know now” how that knowledge would have changed how everything happened. I can still feel the emotional distance between us. The scary part is I was witness to some of the verbal arguments that she and her ex husband (physical abuse husband) had while we were on the telephone. The events are very similar.  But now I’m standing where he stood. I was her rescuer, and she was taking a trip to Florida to see her aunt. Remembering the event, I was still up north, had not moved down here, and She had actually asked him to watch her dog. Yikes this is actually making me a bit nervous now. The trip to Florida she took before was the mind clearing event, that she cut all ties with him.

Now taking a breath, there are differences. He had cheated on her every chance he got, and even boasted about the events to her. There was physical abuse, to the point that photos were taken of injuries.  Plus they could not speak with out anger.

A major plus on my side, is that her son loves me a lot. Even his dad has told me that several times. So I guess, I should probably let my mind settle, before I get too worked up.

The what if’s will bring you down fast.

[Red5]

… each day is different, with less brutal attacks.

What my mind has been doing is trying to think about prior to the purse fight, how she was acting. Meaning our normal, day.

I’m seeing that she had a lot under control. But when we argued, everything came unraveled, and she couldn’t, reign it back in.

It was the first time that I had actually confronted her.

With everything I said she was caught in an obvious lie, compounded by another lie, to the point that I actually backed her into a corner.

So what was in the shadows was out or obvious.

The what if’s will bring you down fast.

Hello LA, only got a second here… you should read about "extinction burst"…

>link-> https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

… may help you to navigate through ~>

Red5

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  The split topic is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335545.0