Getting over my BPD ex is so hard

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey everyone.

So I have gotten out of a relationship with my BPDex. Right now I struggle to know what is up and down anymore. I will tell me story to give you all an idea.

We were together for a year and half on and off, specially in the last 10 months. She was extremely jealous, I was rarely allowed to do anything and if I did those things it would often be to the words like “If you go to that party, you should never ever talk to me again”. If I ended up going anyways, she would be pissed but still lure me back in. She always believed that all girls were out to be with me.
I broke up with her the first time because she couldn’t deal with the fact that my son came before her.

One time she threatened me to kill my son, because I wouldn’t pick up the phone and talk to her, she said she wanted me to feel the pain she did right now!

For months I did what she wanted me to do, stay away from parties and other things where she saw female danger.

5 weeks ago was the last time we had sex.
4 weeks ago she decided she didn’t want to be with me anymore, because I one night decided to hangout with some friends and not go home and sleep and call her as she wanted me to.
3 weeks ago she went on a 2 weeks holiday with random people. During that time, i learned that she was into this new dude from our town, which was somewhat fine with me. I asked her to tell me if she decided for sure she was over me and she really didn’t know what she wanted. During that holiday she called me every single day and told me what I meant to her as a friend and surely as what we were. She missed me etc. I decided to tell her a few times that I couldn’t be friends with her at the given time, because her choosing someone else would hurt me to much and every single time on that holiday, she would call crying and ask me not to leave cuz I was her rock in life. I caved and said I wouldn’t leave, even though I wanted to, to protect myself.

When she finally came home, I told her I was seeing a female friend that day, cuz I needed to be social and be ready for her moving on. She kept calling me crying and saying that she didn’t want to loose me, and I told her she wouldn’t... we just both needed to move on. During that day I got about 20 txt messages from her asking “did you sleep with her”. I ended up being so mad, that I thought... maybe she will leave me alone if I say yes and tell her the sex was amazing, so I did.
Next day I woke up to her blocked me everywhere. Later that night I went to the local bar to relax and what did I see? Her sitting there holding hand with the dude she flirted with etc.


So where am I now? I’m at a place where I’m the one hurting, she moved on... we haven’t talked for weeks, she has used the past few days to tell everyone what a bad person I am. There is an app called F3 where people can write anonymously to each other, some people has been dicks to her and her new guy on that, she has told everyone that it’s me doing it, to the point where I some days ago met a dude out in town that knew used both told me to step away from what I do to them or I would get my ass kicked.

Why does a part of me still care and think of her every single day, I’m mentally broken, I don’t eat and sleep as I’m supposed to. My brain keeps glorifying her even though I don’t want to and know it’s not true.

I’m okay with the fact that she is seeing someone else, but the part that hurts is that I’m no one anymore, I’m just benched.
Some days ago she was in a minor car crash, nothing happened. I heard it from mutual friends a few days later... I then realized she doesn’t care about me anymore... otherwise she would have called me and told me like back in the days.. it freaking hurts that I’m not even worth a phone call anymore!

I know I should just move on because of all the mental abuse, she could turn every little thing into a fight, even though I knew I was right... she eventually made me believe I was wrong, or made agree to being wrong cuz otherwise the fight would be never ending and she would cry and be the victim

Thanks for this forum btw... I’m a broken man from Denmark.

[KoRnyRocks]

Hey everyone.

So I have gotten out of a relationship with my BPDex. Right now I struggle to know what is up and down anymore. I will tell me story to give you all an idea.

We were together for a year and half on and off, specially in the last 10 months. She was extremely jealous, I was rarely allowed to do anything and if I did those things it would often be to the words like “If you go to that party, you should never ever talk to me again”. If I ended up going anyways, she would be pissed but still lure me back in. She always believed that all girls were out to be with me.
I broke up with her the first time because she couldn’t deal with the fact that my son came before her.

One time she threatened me to kill my son, because I wouldn’t pick up the phone and talk to her, she said she wanted me to feel the pain she did right now!

For months I did what she wanted me to do, stay away from parties and other things where she saw female danger.

5 weeks ago was the last time we had sex.
4 weeks ago she decided she didn’t want to be with me anymore, because I one night decided to hangout with some friends and not go home and sleep and call her as she wanted me to.
3 weeks ago she went on a 2 weeks holiday with random people. During that time, i learned that she was into this new dude from our town, which was somewhat fine with me. I asked her to tell me if she decided for sure she was over me and she really didn’t know what she wanted. During that holiday she called me every single day and told me what I meant to her as a friend and surely as what we were. She missed me etc. I decided to tell her a few times that I couldn’t be friends with her at the given time, because her choosing someone else would hurt me to much and every single time on that holiday, she would call crying and ask me not to leave cuz I was her rock in life. I caved and said I wouldn’t leave, even though I wanted to, to protect myself.

When she finally came home, I told her I was seeing a female friend that day, cuz I needed to be social and be ready for her moving on. She kept calling me crying and saying that she didn’t want to loose me, and I told her she wouldn’t... we just both needed to move on. During that day I got about 20 txt messages from her asking “did you sleep with her”. I ended up being so mad, that I thought... maybe she will leave me alone if I say yes and tell her the sex was amazing, so I did.
Next day I woke up to her blocked me everywhere. Later that night I went to the local bar to relax and what did I see? Her sitting there holding hand with the dude she flirted with etc.


So where am I now? I’m at a place where I’m the one hurting, she moved on... we haven’t talked for weeks, she has used the past few days to tell everyone what a bad person I am. There is an app called F3 where people can write anonymously to each other, some people has been dicks to her and her new guy on that, she has told everyone that it’s me doing it, to the point where I some days ago met a dude out in town that knew used both told me to step away from what I do to them or I would get my ass kicked.

Why does a part of me still care and think of her every single day, I’m mentally broken, I don’t eat and sleep as I’m supposed to. My brain keeps glorifying her even though I don’t want to and know it’s not true.

I’m okay with the fact that she is seeing someone else, but the part that hurts is that I’m no one anymore, I’m just benched.
Some days ago she was in a minor car crash, nothing happened. I heard it from mutual friends a few days later... I then realized she doesn’t care about me anymore... otherwise she would have called me and told me like back in the days.. it freaking hurts that I’m not even worth a phone call anymore!

I know I should just move on because of all the mental abuse, she could turn every little thing into a fight, even though I knew I was right... she eventually made me believe I was wrong, or made agree to being wrong cuz otherwise the fight would be never ending and she would cry and be the victim

Thanks for this forum btw... I’m a broken man from Denmark.

[once removed]

hi KoRnyRocks,

im sorry to hear youre struggling, but i am glad that you reached out. i know my breakup was one of the hardest things i ever went through, but i can tell you that it gets better.

Why does a part of me still care and think of her every single day, I’m mentally broken, I don’t eat and sleep as I’m supposed to. My brain keeps glorifying her even though I don’t want to and know it’s not true.

for starters, i would say that the loss of a relationship is something that we have to mourn and grieve. if she had died, you wouldnt question why you still care, right? a loss is a loss, and we experience a lot of complicated feelings as a result. things got easier for me when i not only told myself that it was okay to miss my ex, okay to cry, whatever, but also as i learned to step back a bit and just observe my feelings as they came up, without a particular judgment.

the second thing is that rejection by someone we have loved is really painful...especially when, for a lot of us, there was the belief that the person would never leave, and we were strongly invested in that.

a certain level of balance can help. the way i placed my ex on a pedestal after the breakup wasnt realistic. i didnt want to over dwell on the bad things about my ex (that wasnt realistic either), but i didnt want to idealize her either. i had to reconcile both, which wasnt an easy task.

it sounds like your friends and support system went by the wayside during your relationship. have you reached out to them? 

[KoRnyRocks]

For some reason, i dont know if its a common thing... Even though i wanted to end and pretty much did so every single time... why am i the one that is hurting so bad now. Is it because she already moved on to somebody the day after? (i dont care that she is with someone to be honest). Is it because she just forgot about me like that and have been in NC for about 3 weeks now, makes it seem like im so easy to forget

[once removed]

For some reason, i dont know if its a common thing... Even though i wanted to end and pretty much did so every single time... why am i the one that is hurting so bad now.

i wrote a post earlier that details how much constant dread toward my ex that i felt. i also tried to break up with her many, many times. yet, i was reduced to a complete, inconsolable wreck when she broke up with me. so its certainly something that i can relate to.

what i think is a common thing is that these relationships touched us on a deep level...one that rejuvenated us in a very powerful way at the time, and one that after the relationship ended, we struggle over. its not that they werent special, or that we werent special. but there are other factors, things about us, wounds that need tending, and those things are less about our ex.

we have an article here on Surviving a Breakup with someone with BPD. i like how it describes it:

Breaking Up Was Never this Hard

Is this because you partner was so special?

Sure they are special and this is a very significant loss for you - but the depth of your struggles has a lot more to do with the complexity of the relationship bond than the person.

In some important way this relationship saved or rejuvenated you. The way your “BPD” partner hung on to your every word, looked at you with admiring eyes and wanted you, filled an empty void deep inside of you.

Your “BPD” partner may have been insecure and needy and their problems inspired your sympathy and determination to resolve and feel exceptional, heroic, valuable.

As a result, you were willing to tolerate behavior beyond what you've known to be acceptable. You’ve felt certain that “BPD” partner depended on you and that they would never leave. However challenging, you were committed to see it through.

Unknown to you, your BPD partner was also on a complex journey that started long before the relationship began. You were their “knight in shining armor”, you were their hope and the answer to disappointments that they have struggled with most of their life.

Together, this made for an incredibly “loaded” relationship bond between the two of you.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

does any of this ring true? make sense?