Two months since my Borderline Ex left me and I still can't move on. Help.

[FreddyFo]

As some of you might have read in my first post:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334754.msg13040950

My borderline EX (also cocaine user) left me after a big splitting episode in mid February.
It's two months now and I've been no contact with him and blocked him on all fronts.
I've blocked all his numbers / wathsapp / mails / social media - so I don't really know if he ever tried to get in touch with me or not.
I just know that a month ago I needed something from him that I had left behind and he responded that "I am not welcome anywhere near him" ... so I am assuming he's no contact with me as well... and he still sees me as BLACK.
As far as I know he has a new girl, and he refers to her in the same way he used to refer to me.

So I presume that all of the above suggests he might never come back. But that's not the problem - since I would not want to have him back.
As you might have read in the previous posts - he's done too many things to hurt me.


My question to you is - our relationship lasted only 3 months (we even had an abortion together - that he deems fake now by the way...) and I'm now 2 months no-contact and still feeling that I had no closure and struggling to move on. How do I remove him from being in my head everyday? I tried everything.

I guess I am still upset because I had no closure - nor I had a chance to look at him and tell him everything I think, all the things that are bottled inside me now. The last things we lived together it was me begging him not to leave me... and things have changed since then, I became aware of who he is and I'd love to tell him everything. And how I really feel about what has been between us... and how I feel about the multiple way he's hurt me. Thinking that the last thing I told him was a plea for forgiveness - drives me mental.

How can I move on? Should I write him a letter? Should I unblock him and see what he does?
But I don't want to give him the importance to boost his ego once again...
For me it's too bothersome to still have him in my head after 2 months.
My head hurts. Advice?

[Mindfried]

I wrote a letter. Put in the draw for a few weeks to think about if I should send it or not. I sent it and received the predictable negative response I expected. If it helps get things off your chest and brings you closure than do it. Its a personal decision to do so or not.

[Beneck]

Hey Freddy!

You might disagree with me, but in my opinion, 2 months is far too short of a timeframe NOT to have someone you loved/love in your mind.

In my case, it's been over 6 months and I still think about her everyday. It's gotten easier, of course, but one could consider 6 months to be a long time.

I'd advice you to be kind and compassionate to yourself. This will last for as long as it does. As long as you're moving on and going on with life, having him in your mind is not something you should actively try to avoid.

Now, detaching is a process, not an event, and it is neither linear, nor straightforward. Here's a bit of advice.

1) Time. It makes this process easier, but by no means is it strictly dependent on time. While time helps, it does not lead to closure or detaching alone.
2) Try new things. It is absolutely critical to use this opportunity to do things you've always wanted to do. In my experience, accomplishing these tasks has brought me one tiny step closer to closure/detaching.
3) Self-care. Paramount. Go out with friends, take care of yourself. At the same time, say no when you have to.
4) Learn things about yourself. The pain you're going through right now is a great opportunity for you to learn things about yourself, about why you let yourself be treated the way you were treated, etc. It is very likely all of this has something to do with your childhood. Consider exploring your childhood, as well as the posibility of therapy.
5) Keep reading. Read about BPD, read the threads here, and periodically re-read the "tools" section on the site (Co-dependency, boundaries, conflict resolution, SET, Drama Triangle, etc). As time passes, you will probably notice yourself gaining greater insight, and by exploring your experiences with that person with newfound knowledge and clarity, you can get closer to closure, one baby step at a time.

In regards to unblocking him and telling him all that you think, or sending him a letter, I would seriously explore my motivations BEFOREHAND. It might be that this is related to the bargaining stage of grief, where your brain is finding excuses for getting closer to him.

He has said you are not welcome anywhere around him. It sounds me like he wants space. Additionally, you are also hurt and read to recover and heal. Space between the 2 of you, for now, seems like a good idea. What do you think?

[Beneck]

Sorry for the double post!

Forgot to mention:

Be in touch with your emotions. While I'd advice against drinking (anything addictive, really) listening to sad songs, walking to familiar places or coffee are activities/things that bring my emotions to the foreground, allowing me to deal with them constructively. If you've found something that helps you in such a way, use it. In general, don't push your emotions back or attempt to bury your hurt, it's only going to return stronger.