Sometimes I just don’t understand

[JNChell]

S4 and I spent the day at my best friends place. This place is a family. Everyone comes over throughout the day, and everyone is welcome for dinner. Every night is a big spread. We ate. We hung out around a fire. The youngsters wanted to go inside so I volunteered to stay in and watch them. We’re watching a cartoon. Cars.

I’m feeling a lot. Why couldn’t S4’s mom be here with me? It’s hard to not be with her in times like these. It was a great day. It’s windiy down and I’m thinking of her. This hasn’t happened for a while, but it is tonight.

I miss someone that I shouldn’t. I just wish that our boy was sitting in between us in a cuddle. I miss her tonight.

[Turkish]

Are you missing her,  or more your feeling of what should be a family in your eyes?

[JNChell]

Thanks, Turkish. I thought about this for a while this morning. I don’t really miss her. I miss the feeling of what a family should be. I’m not going to go into all of the reasons why I don’t miss her. I’ve done enough of that, but you’re right. S4 and I will return home shortly. We’ll spend the day by ourselves and I’ll drop him off at his grandmother’s at 6 a.m. tomorrow. His grandmother will drop him off at daycare and his mom will pick him up. It just seems so chaotic and pointless. There simply needed to be discussions had. It is what it is.

[I Am Redeemed]

JNChell,

I can relate to this. I don't really miss my stbx uBPDh. I don't miss the chaos and drama and hurtful things he did to me, and, like you, I have gone into enough detail about that elsewhere. But I miss the "idea" of a happy, intact family, and probably one of the reasons I feel the absence of that so acutely is because I didn't have that growing up. I don't have a close relationship with either of my sisters. My parents are deceased, and we were not that close anyway. There was a tense family dynamic that included lots of unhealthy conflict. I wanted something better for my kids. I wanted them to know and experience the love of both their parents in the same home. It just simply isn't possible, though, and I am still grieving that, for them and for me.

[JNChell]

Thanks for reaching out, Redeemed. I appreciate it. I guess that it’s no secret that you and I were seeking a way to correct our childhoods through a SO. I have chosen SO’s that were similar to my parents. After being educated, it makes sense. Moving past that sounds like a better deal now.

Both of my parents are deceased as well. Closure died with them. That aspect has been hard to get through. My relationships, for the most part, have been the same. No closure.

I’m sorry that having a good relationship with your sisters isn’t possible, but I commend you on doing what is best for you.  It’s hard, but you’re doing well.

You’re right. We’re taught by our parents growing up. Thank God we didn’t absorb everything.

Much love, Redeemed.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks, JNChell.

[Baglady]

Hi JNChell and Redeemed,

I can relate to your experiences very well.  I also was trying to work through FOO issues with my exBPDh.  Prior to the breakup, I thought I was handling this very well - 27 year relationship (although the cracks were there all along in hindsight though my ex was very high functioning until he wasn't) and being virtually adopted by his large and very fun functional (or so I thought) family.  I was so happy to be raising my son in this milieu - such a contrast to my own dysfunctional childhood.  Well pride goes before a fall...
Now, like you Redeemed, I don't grief for my exBPDh at all.  He was an empty suit and once the scales fell, my eyes were opened and I saw him for who he really was (and wasn't).  I find myself grieving the family unit more than him.  My in-laws tried to reach out and include me post-divorce but their dysfunction in the face of my exBPDh's mental breakdown also highlighted their deficits and lack of empathy.  The dysfunction of the family system that helped to create my ex's BPD behaviors was laid bare for the first time.  I have chosen to detach with love from them - we are civil for my son's sake - but that is it.
My elderly parents and siblings despite our insanely dysfunctional beginnings came through for me in ways that I would never, ever have anticipated.  I live in an Alice and Wonderland world - what's up is down...
Warmly,
B