At a loss and dumbfounded

[grievingmyoldlif]

Hello, I am writing in hopes of connecting with others that are going through some of the same things I have been for the last 11 years. My daughter has been an emotional roller coaster for the last 11 years. She was in and out of hospitals for two years on varying degrees of behaviors. We were going through a really tough time financially and I know this also effected the behaviors but it hasn't gotten much better throughout the years. The only thing that has stopped is her physically abusing me. I am very, very hurt because I did everything in my power to protect her from anything I possibly could. I pushed off the rest of my family to try and support her and I was the one that became the punching bag, figuratively and sometimes literally. We were living out of hotels for quite sometime because I was watching her constantly so that she would not commit suicide. She repaid me with abandoning me countless times including after a severe head injury and taking any money that we had with her. I even tried tough love and basically had to force her to get her own place once we got stabilized. She cuts off communication on a regular basis and I have been left again after repeatedly helping her after she quit three different jobs because "they just were stressing her out way too much and it was effecting her mentally". I suggested her getting on food stamps and she claimed she was able to handle groceries with the help of her boyfriend. Not even two days later, she was asking for money for food and got really, really upset when I was not able to help. I was going through my own health issues with yet another cancer scare which she pleasantly blew off, so I wasn't able to work as much. She seems to take great pleasure in thinking she has me sad that she doesn't answer. Is this common for these adult kids to come off as evil and completely unfeeling? I am just mind blown and it has effected my own mental health as I have suffered from Major Depression disorder, Panic Attacks and PTSD that HER mental health has caused me. I just have no clue what to do anymore because it is really effecting my own health.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Peace63]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have had similar experiences with my 20 year old daughter, who does not appreciate all of the emotional and financial support, including bail when she got in trouble with the law for fighting. I am always on my guard with her as I never know if she is going to get mad and throw something at me or want to fight.

I think at some point, when we parents are struggling in the manner that you have described and I have also experienced, that it is time to let them try life on their own.  I know that this mental health condition means that they are not consciously behaving like this but it is so damaging emotionally and mentally. I keep thinking "after all I have done to help you".  And she does not care one bit cause I have always stepped back in when she needed anything.  I want to encourage you to take good care of yourself with sleep, exercise and healthy food. If your daughter is old enough, focus on yourself, it is past time!

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Grieving My Old Life
I join peace in welcoming you here. Your story sounds so familiar. Many of us face the same or similar challenges with our children who have BPD. The good news is things can get better. You have come to the right place for help and support. You mention anger as a problem. Here is an interesting thread on that topic. Although they are talking about a romantic partner much of it applies to children too. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309757.0

[babyoctopus]

So sorry you are going through this- me too...
One common thing I know we have to do is take care of our health first. Self care. I know its so hard to do.
I am back on the boards after relative calm, my older daughter moved back home and I thought it was an answer to my prayers - I would finally have some help with the 18 y.o. BPD, but now barely 4 mos later they are BOTH exhibiting symptoms, disrespecting my household, not cleaning up after themselves, smoking pot everyday, sleeping until 2-3 in the afternoon, no jobs...finally the older one is back at work after not working for 4 mos while I work 2 jobs, 7 days a week, double shifts, to support everyone.

Their Dad is a unpd/BPD, the whole reason I found this board, I thought leaving him would make things better for all of us, I got away from him and now my 2 daughters are doing it. I am living a nightmare. I can't help but blame myself today I thought: What the hell am I doing to make people treat me this way? What message am I sending?

I'm struggle financially and have no savings for retirement, I spent every dime I had from a home sale when we divorced on trying to get the right therapy for her. Many of the "treatments" basically scammed me, the last one DBT was the worst- they said they would accept insurance, don't worry, they hook you in and all of a sudden, its, yeah we need $600 a month from you. Might as well been $1 million a month.

Yesterday I asked my daughter to please be discreet about her pot smoking, and to check w me first if a friend is spending the night ... and proceeded to sit there with both daughters berating me I'm a stupid ignorant hypocrite and the source of all their problems, all because I asked them to Not Smoke weed during the day in my house and please do not drive high. I have a son here too and if his Dad knew what they were doing it could jeopardize him as well and our housing situation, but they just poo-poo'd that and tried to accuse my son of doing drugs (he does not).

I am EXHAUSTED. I want to be DONE and tell them both: MOVE OUT! Is it terrible to say I'm done trying to help them, done listening to their constant complaints and ungratefulness?

The other insult to injury is their Dad is still trying to take more $$ for me, doesn't pay a DIME in supporting them, but he makes 3-4x more than me and lives in luxury. Why don't they live with him? He said No. But they treat him like he's the "nice" one.

Take care.

[Lollypop]

Hi there folks

I totally get it, I really do. I spent years and years doing the blame game. I’d flip from that persecutor, to victim and then do the rescue.

This is the drama triangle.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

It’s time to step out of the triangle and stop keep on repeating the same mistakes.

I watched a Simpson’s cartoon years ago. Bart was looking inside a cage and there was a critter like a hamster. Bart put his finger in and he got bit hard. He’d pull his finger out, check his injury and then put his finger right back in. Again and again.

We learn by our mistakes. For me, I was a slow learner UNTIL I found this forum.

Take a look at this link and let me know your thoughts. I was amazed as I saw myself totally there in those roles.

It’s time to get clever, take some control and put on what I call my big girly boots. We have to learn a better way - if we don’t then we just remain stuck.

I’ve read all your stories and it’s breaks my heart, you’re all finding it so tough. Our BPD kids resist growing up. We complain about it. There’s a better way to interact with our kids. For them to behave like adults they need to be treated as adults, trickily in just the right way that you can learn here.

I encourage you to start learning better communication skills and doing something about your situations. Get your confidence back so you can set better limits and boundaries.

What do you think of the Karpman triangle?

Hugs
LP

[stampingt1]

Welcome grievingmyoldlif:

It sounds like you could use some "me time". Seeing a therapist & reading books on BPD has really helped me. Hopefully they can do the same for you.