heartbreak with BPD

[grit]

Hi All,

I am quite new here - this is my first post, and I'm writing from a place of heartbreak and looking for guidance and empathy.

I have been involved with a man whom i strongly assume is borderline for a year and a half, and he has just left me after I went on a month long work trip, already in another relationship, even though we were engaged (Though this was also broken off).

When he knew that I was leaving for a long time for this work trip , he broke up with me the night before I left. Because this has happened before, I thought we'd be ok. But then about a week in he called me in the middle of the night, saying he tried to hurt himself through drinking and drugs, and he was throwing up his own bile, and needed to go to the hospital. I called his therapist (who does therapy for borderline and trauma) because i was out of town and couldn't help. All this time he said he wanted to stay broken up. He also blames me for all of his problems, and calls me a narcissist. I am actually a very caring and loving person who - though I have tried to set healthy boundaries - am blamed when i set boundaries.

Upon return from my work trip, evne though we were not speaking, he noticed i was back from social media. He wanted to meet up at a restaurant, and immediately said that he was in a good mood but then felt angry when he saw me. When I left when he started raging, he informed me that he had stopped going to therapy and that he was seeing someone else, whom he was "into."

This is just the tip of the iceberg, there is so much more to write, and I'm looking for guidance of how to understand this illness, and how to get into some kind of group so that i can figure out how to support him if he even wants me, or how to get out and get my heart back if he doesn't. Or somewhere in between, where I don't feel beholden. I'm generally a very strong person, but I do love this man dearly.

thank you.

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[once removed]

hi grit, and

ouch. my ex left me as well, and entered another relationship very quickly. i know first hand how it can hurt and confuse  

the first thing to know is that people with BPD are highly impulsive, and jumping into a new relationship can be a pretty impulsive move. often, these things crash and burn.

it is a matter of playing the long game, in that generally, you want to be a mile away and let the relationship play out. but it isnt just a matter of waiting, youre going to need the tools here; if he came back tomorrow, things might just pick up where they left off. it is challenging to rebuild trust, and rebuild the relationship on a healthier trajectory.

so you mentioned there have been previous breakups. what were they over, and about how many? does he have a prior history of drinking and drugs?

[grit]

I have to confess I started crying when I read your response, and your questions. I feel so alone in this. I am surrounded by friends and family, but to talk to a group of people who know what I am dealing with...that feels incredible and uplifting. So thank you, just to start.

We got engaged a little under a year ago after dating half a year. I have never been involved with a borderline person so I didn't know the things to look for, certain things struck me as odd but I thought they were due to his history of addiction, depression and family issues (which I guess they were). Because he was so great and supportive of me and my creative career it seemed like something I could handle albeit with some pretty wavy orange to red flags. But i'm a confident person and I thought i could handle it.

After we got engaged I think was when it started to get more confusing. He was exceptionally jealous of exes of mine, even ones that I don't even speak to. This man I should also mention, is on the remarkably handsome side and I'm older than he is, so I found it odd that he was threatened by things that I didn't even care about - things in some instances I was trying actively to avoid.  Little confrontations with people I had kissed in the distant past, who I was now friends with (and wanted to introduce him to because they were friends!) brought up tirades that to this day are still getting rehashed. When it happened it was so confusing because I was like "why is this gorgeous creative man jealous of my ex that is now a good friend?" To the point where he wants to beat him up? I tried to explain my way out of it, which did not work.

There are a few other instances, all about exes. One that I work with, and still had two projects I had to complete with him. My SO wanted me to remove myself from these projects. I felt that was a very unhealthy precedent to set (to give into him asking me to leave a work project because he felt like I was supporting an ex), so I refused. He was - and is - OBSESSED with this ex, who I have cut off all contact with that do not have another party on the always work email. I am pretty sure my SO broke into my email account and checked correspondences that I had with this ex (all of which had a third party on the email because this ex is manipulative and trying to get back in my life) , then claiming that I was "lying" and still talking to my ex. Someone i really have no interest at all in interacting with, I really just want to complete a professional obligation. Not to mention I don't want to set a precedent where a partner feels he can control my actions.

I think this is the main thing that made my SO want to break up with me. I would not budge. I felt like this would be encouraging an unhealthy relationship.

there are two other things as well that led to this cycle of breakups. One is that early in our relationship, I was still talking to another man. Not to make excuses but I had just left a long relationship and my SO seemed young and hot and kinda perfect so I was like "keep your options open, this is probably just a fling." Which i think is healthy. My SO fell head over heals from me, he claims, from the moment he met me, and found this healthy behavior to be a betrayal.  My SO went into my phone looking for "proof" that I was cheating. By the time he found this text correspondence - from the very beginning of our relationship before we had said we loved each other - I had stopped talking to this other person. Also I want to say again ...he went into my phone! He had memorized the password. I have never been involved with someone that did this, to my knowledge, so I wasn't equipped to even think this would happen.

He also found old notes around my house, once he moved in, that were my musings about other breakups I had had, and sometimes sexual details. He claimed that he he could never get over reading ths, and that they destroyed him (he did propose to be after both of these things, so I also thought this was said in a time of strife, and he would be able to get over them). So every time I left the apartment he must have been searching for proof that he was going to be let down. And again, even though he now lived with me, why was he going through my private stuff?

So I would say the past 6-8 months, after two suicidal cries for help, there have been a few times where things have triggered him into leaving me, saying he couldn't take the pain of being with me, because of how I betrayed him. the pain is definitely real, he is tortured. But I am not a liar, or a cheat (Though i have been in the past - I have learned!) and I am a very kind and supportive partner for the most part. I think he also has sex with other people to fill the void, and goes in and out of alcoholic jags (we were sober together for a long time, till he started drinking again, claiming it was "my fault."). And now he has found another love! While I was on a work trip!

The kicker is I still love this man. Ha. Seems insane after reading back on all of this. But I do believe in him, and want what's best for him and for me.

Ok I think this answers your question? Clearly this has been pent up in me for a while, for me, my therapist and a few other lucky folks. But now the floodgates have opened...I hope this ramble makes sense. Feel free to ask clarifying questions. And thank you from the bottom of my tortured little heart in advance.

[once removed]

im glad you reached out. a strong support system is really critical, whatever happens. so i hope youll make yourself at home here as part of the family.

i dealt with my share of jealousy, too.

you are right that you dont necessarily just want to give in, isolate yourself, that sort of thing. at the same time, not budging can be seen as invalidating by our partners, and distrust can fester. there are other ways. often times, its more a matter of listening...letting our partners express themselves, letting them know we hear them, getting to the root of the feelings theyre expressing (for example, it could be a case of our partner feeling like our attention has waned, rather than seeing a particular person as a threat, that sort of thing), and building a trusting environment in the relationship in general. if its something you have experienced a lot of, and for a long time, it is likely something that he will struggle with, and will challenge the relationship, perhaps always. dealing with it though, can be smoother, and further between.

we have a workshop that explores how to deal with a jealous partner, approaches, tips and tricks here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

there are two other things as well that led to this cycle of breakups.

the thing to know is that people with BPD traits are inherently distrustful and those fears, that distrust can be especially scary in an intimate relationship. when you fear abandonment to especially great lengths, you look for proof and confirmation of your fears. my ex frequently accused me of cheating...and then she found an inappropriate message i had sent . so while these things are in the past, and settled in your mind, it is not surprising that he has hung onto them, or that it has been a recurring issue. the challenge before you is creating/rebuilding trust. i know in my case, my need for privacy clashed with my exs need for transparency. its about bridging the gap and getting on the same page where/if possible.

[grit]

Thank you. I am really unclear about how to get back on the same page. I may post a separate post about this but I'm really struggling with how soon I should reach out again to him, if at all. I feel like I am just at the beginning of looking into what this whole thing is, and rebuilding my own confidence. i feel like when I ask him what I can do to listen to him, and to help the relationship, he asks in return for unrealistic and unhealthy things that i don't think are good for the relationship. For example, as I mentioned earlier, he wanted me to take my name off of my ex'es project, which I felt was a betrayal of one of my values - finishing a work project I had started. This was a HUGE problem in our relationship, and I imagine if we do start up again, we will end up right back here. How does one deal with this? I mean, I can listen empathically, and try to look for cracks but it's such an emotional place. He says over and over " I want you to understand how much you've made me suffer - if you just understood I could forgive you. " This sure doesn't seem likely. I am a very empathic person - I actually use my empathy skills as part of my job - so I'm confused about what the hell to do. And I'm so in love with this man. I am not ready to move on, but he could already be moved on from me. IDK. The roller coaster...

[once removed]

the long and short of it is that there is a lot to learn. these tools are not quick fixes; they work best as a lifestyle (or "relationship style") change. if theres a silver lining, its that you have the time to dive in, and you can practice these tools with anyone in your life starting any time.

He says over and over " I want you to understand how much you've made me suffer - if you just understood I could forgive you. "

a lot of partners with BPD traits say things like this. bottom line is that theres a deep need to be heard, and to be understood. none of that is to say you have to agree, and you never want to validate the invalid, but to truly understand where he is coming from, and why. understanding the inherent trust issues and intense fears that a person with BPD traits will have is a good start. the extremes can begin to make some sense.

this tool will be vital, and it will challenge your empathy skills: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

[grit]

ok thank you. I will continue to dive in and will have more questions. Like, how do I respond when he asks me to stop working on a project that is a work thing, and not a personal thing with my ex? And this purportedly is what ended our relationship?

[once removed]

there isnt necessarily a one size fits all to that question. there are really multiple approaches, and "what works" depends a lot on the two of you as individuals and your relationship.

he doesnt like your exes. there are a range of ideas when it comes to that. him meeting them is one. one school of thought is that serious romantic couples should primarily or completely limit friendships of the opposite sex to "couples friends", where say, its the two of you that are friends with another couple. those are just two ideas. sometimes, there are underlying feelings driving our partners (a demand for attention, for example), that are less obvious, and its more about digging a bit to get to the root of, and validate that.

in general, its about how conflict is resolved...building a relationship environment where the two of you can tackle conflict as a team (granted, you will frequently have a challenging partner in that regard). hear each other. youd want to start with really hearing him out. not necessarily deciding what your intentions are or arent, right away. both of you were very firm on your position. its not that either of you were right or wrong...rigidity can damage a relationship.

and sometimes its a question of whether or not resolving conflict is possible. realistic expectations are important, and so are difficult choices. "am i willing to breakup over this" is a hypothetical we should all examine. his jealousy is a problem for you. your having a relationship of pretty much any kinds with exes is a problem for him. the question is whether thats resolvable.