Did anybody on this board have any idea when they married/ joined their BPD?

[Barnabus]

I don't know when the diagnosis for BPD came about but I knew absolutely nothing about personality disorders. I married quickly following a whirlwind marriage at age 20 which ended badly, so yes the current marriage was a rebound. It seems as though I found someone completely opposite from my first wife not by design, I just did.

We had a good life for many years and raised 4 kids. Looking back I can see the dysfunction that always existed, but I was willing to keep the peace at any cost, which was certainly a big problem in the end.

She had never been one to admit guilt or apologize, but I just figured that was the way it was. As unhealthy as that was, I could apologize for whatever and make peace so I just did it because I thought as the Dad and husband, that was what I should do.

When the kids finished high school, the BPD really started to manifest itself. The once easy to get along with, happy go lucky personality started changing. Apologies were certainly nowhere to be found. The gaslighting started. The projection got worse. Blame shifting was her way to escape accountability. And on and on...

Long story short, about 2 years ago, I told her I wasn't living like this any more. That's when things got really dicey. 6 months later she walked out for the 2nd time, then came back only if I wasn't there. So I left.

She to this day, almost a year into the divorce process, has not been willing to accept any of the blame for the failure of the relationship. Only in the last 6-8 months did I finally start figuring out that she might have BPD. It has helped make sense out of years of crazy making insanity. There is no doubt in my mind that, even if not full  blown BPD, she has most of the characteristics.

The point of this post is to get input about how and when everyone's BPD actually came to the surface. In my case it was after being married for 39 years and being separated for over a year before I started figuring it out. I have known for well over 10 years that something was bad wrong, but I just sucked it up and continued to make peace at any cost.

I tried marriage seminars, took her on multiple cruises, tried an all day counseling session, and even agreed to counseling which she never did. I prayed for several years and asked God to show me what to do and give me whatever I needed to deal with this woman.

Now I'm the villain based on things that have happened since the separation...

I am curious how various members of the board "discovered" their BPD.

[Lucky Jim]

I have known for well over 10 years that something was bad wrong, but I just sucked it up and continued to make peace at any cost.

Hey Barnabus,  Who knew?  I suspect most of us have been in your shoes, trying to cope with something as baffling as BPD.  For 10 years of marriage I was just swinging in the dark.  When I finally found out from a T that my W might be suffering from BPD, I initially thought "No Way."  Then I thought "Could Be."  Finally I realized "Definitely So."  Even after I figured out what I was dealing with, I thought that I could crack the BPD Code, but BPD proved too much for me.  It's a long process, so don't beat yourself up!

LJ

[MrsMom2019]

I have just figured out through a therapist that my husband has BPD as well, and I’ve been struggling with the same thoughts. I have decided there were definitely signs in the beginning - we didn’t fight any more often than any other “normal” couple, but the WAY he fought was definitely strange. It was like talking to/fighting with a brick wall. Like he was totally unable to see the wrong in his own actions, and totally unable to see/hear how I was feeling, and never - EVER - any kind of apology unless I apologized for whatever he asked me to first. It stayed that way for a long time, until about two years ago when the other symptoms started showing (aka nothing I do is ever quite right, the rules are constantly changing so I can’t get it right, the “splitting,” etc). His angry rages I used to call “red rover,” (he would almost not see me standing in front of him. He would talk/rage at me, but it’s like he didn’t see me, no way could I get through to him, and he would do weird stuff. Turn off the circuit breaker so I couldn’t charge my phone, hide my jewelry, Mel this wedding ring into the bottom of a candle...) but now I realize are straight up BPD. So to answer your questions, the early signs were there, but I would have never imagined they were markers of BPD, and to be honest, I don’t think it even fully developed until later. I’m terrified I’ll find someone else with it again because I just didn’t know.

[Barnabus]

Mine definitely was worse after about 25 years of marriage. She used to just go along most of my crazy ideas (that were usually good), but then started slowly but surely being confrontational about nearly everything. I tried to relate it to menopause and the counselor suggested that she get a hormone workup but she refused and blamed that on me because I don't like going to doctors all the time.

Long story short it got progressively worse until I finally snapped and said I'm not living this lie anymore. That's when she turned the heat up even higher - and it was all my fault.

Life with a BPD...

[Baglady]

Hi folks,

It is such an incredible solace to me to read your posts.  I've been beating myself up quite a bit about not seeing the BPD in my ex until he had a complete mental breakdown last year but now I see that it's not that uncommon that the symptoms get worse over time.  My ex definitely displayed some symptoms of BPD throughout our entire 21 year marriage - I say this in hindsight.  I had no clue what I was really dealing with the whole time.  I thought it was ADHD or given that my ex was in a creative field  - just part and parcel of being with someone artistic.  It wasn't until I was brutally devalued and discarded - literally overnight - that I realized that something was seriously amiss.  I was so relieved to know that my ex's pattern of behavior fit an actual diagnostic framework.  All along, I thought it was just his unique combination of personality quirks.  I will say that I think that my ex transitioning from a stable 9 to 5 job to self-employment was a huge catalyst in amping up the severity of his symptoms.  Also, his breakdown has a large flavor of mid-life crisis thrown into the mix to complicate things. 
I hear you Mrs. Mom on your fear of entangling yourself with someone else like this again in your life.  One time was more than enough...  However, I'm working so hard on myself right now to try to evade this fate.  And if I'm honest with myself, I saw the red flags and signs that something was off right from the beginning and I just didn't listen to my intuition.
Love and hugs to all of you - we shall overcome!

Warmly,
B

[I Am Redeemed]

I was with my uBPDh for nearly eight years, married for six. I didn't hear about BPD until about the fifth year, and the information I read was spotty. I didn't find this community until we were separated in year seven, and that's when it really clicked for me.

I knew he had a substance abuse disorder, and depression and anxiety. He was diagnosed with PTSD and"depression with psychotic features" five years ago. Diagnosed two years later with an adjustment disorder. I never felt that any of those things hit the mark, even the substance abuse disorder. In the beginning, yes, I chalked a lot of his dysfunction up to that. I am a recovering addict, too, so I know how crazy that disorder can get. But still... I knew there was something different.

He never seemed to learn from mistakes. He trusted no one, and would never stick with any treatment program. I held on to my sobriety for dear life, and though I slipped a few times, I always got back on track. He couldn't stay sober more than a few months at a time.

I think I let a lot slide because I was used to dysfunction, and I knew from my own experience that good people can make bad mistakes. I thought he and I were on the same page as far as pursuing recovery, but he was really just talking the talk and living in constant victim status.

Redeemed

[WantToBeFree]

I knew right away something was off, but I was in denial about it.  My ex-H and I never even had that "honeymoon period" in the beginning of our relationship where everything was perfect and we were so in love.  I saw the red flags just a few weeks into our relationship, but I explained them away, or ignored them. 

I did love him...but so much of our relationship was based on the situation.  I met him when I was 28...I desperately wanted to get married and have a family.  I met him following a string of years of bad first dates, and relationships that were over before they even got off the ground, so I worried that if things dind't work out with him, I would never get married and have kids.  As it was, we didn't get married till we were 31, start trying for kids at 32 and didn't have our one and only child (went through infertility, loss, stillbirth) till we were 34.

I mistook his passion and desire for me (co-dependence and control) as him being this great guy that liked/loved me soo much, so I ignored the bad stuff to keep that fantasy going.  He was also the cousin of my very good friend (who later I stopped being friends with because it's very possible she herself has a lot of issues like him) and I liked his family a lot, so I fell in love with the idea of him, of us.

I also viewed our relationship as some great rom-com/country song.  I knew there were messed up aspects of our relationship, but I felt like those bad times just came along with the good times being so great and amazing.  I remember watching an interview with Patrick Swayze before he died, and he was talking about his married, and he said "we fought huge, but we loved huge".  I took that as gospel, I felt like maybe our fights and our bad times weren't as messed up because we had amazing good times. 

For a very long time I thought our issue was his ADD.  It may be a part of it (which I believe it is common for people with BPD to also have ADD) but it never hit the nail on the head.  We had been together for 7 years (married for 4) when our D5 was born, and it was then that I started to see reality, that we likely weren't going to make it.  By the time she turned 2, I wanted out, and it wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I discovered BPD.  I had posted to a forum similar to this and based on what I said, someone commented that it really sounded like my H had BPD, or at least many of the characteristics and suggested I come here. 

I still don't know if he has it, but he is clearly a master manipulator and narcissist, which also goes along with BPD.  And when I read the characteristics of BPD, it was like everything all made sense for the first time ever.  All the puzzle pieces came together.  I wish I hadn't wasted 11 years of my life with him, but I am glad I got out when I did, and I got an amazing daughter out of it.

[FJM]

Not a clue. My sister who is a T told me the same week when we brokeup and i moved my things out, that it seemed to her that she was BPD. The same week my T told me the same. Two of my best friends are T's too and they told me the same thing. Then i started researching. During the relationship i havent had a clue. I always thought that a borderline person was someone like a drug addict or a homeless person. Now i know. BPDs are people whom you should runaway as far as you can. They search and destroy like the stooges song.
___ em.

[frankofwgkta]

The day i started talking to my ex , she told me right away that she has BPD and she didn't clearly defined it properly she basically told me that whens shes down shes really down and when shes happy shes really happy and that she feels more in the sense of emotions. i was like ok thats not bad and i'm not going to stop talking to her . but then she tells me that because of her BPD she gets excited easily and shes really sexual. i didn't think much of it and in reality her episodes and her moods were everywhere but i thought that's just the way she was. looking back at the relationship, i realized that i should of done more research and learned tools to help our relationship back then but i didn't really know what BPD was after 3 time she left me. i found a lot of articles that stated that pwBPD have trouble staying in good relationships and tend to leave a trail of heartbreaks. i really wished i knew what i was getting my self into.

[Turkish]

I had the ring, set out the proposal plan at her favorite park, with trees and ponds and a Chinese temple. I had picked up chow mien for each of us. We were going to eat it by the water,  watching the sunset. I had placed the ring in the chopstick packet when I picked up the food while she waited in the car. 

When I pulled out the food at the park,  I had gotten us both full sized chow meins. I had never paid attention before,  she always ordered (herself) the slightly smaller box.  She started going off on me,  berating me. I had a thought to show her the ring and then toss it into the lake,  but I thought screw her, I'll show her! I dropped to one knee and asked her to marry me.  She enthusiastically accepted and turned loving.

She told me later that any guy who wanted to marry her as she was,  was a keeper. 

Stupidest decision I've ever made. Neither of us changed, really. 

[PeteWitsend]

I had the ring, set out the proposal plan at her favorite park, with trees and ponds and a Chinese temple. I had picked up chow mien for each of us. We were going to eat it by the water,  watching the sunset. I had placed the ring in the chopstick packet when I picked up the food while she waited in the car. 

When I pulled out the food at the park,  I had gotten us both full sized chow meins. I had never paid attention before,  she always ordered (herself) the slightly smaller box.  She started going off on me,  berating me. I had a thought to show her the ring and then toss it into the lake,  but I thought screw her, I'll show her! I dropped to one knee and asked her to marry me.  She enthusiastically accepted and turned loving.

She told me later that any guy who wanted to marry her as she was,  was a keeper. 

Stupidest decision I've ever made. Neither of us changed, really. 

LOL, the second thoughts so close to the decision to propose remind me a little of my situation...  we lived together (she moved in with me, because she couldn't afford to live on her own), and it was an uneasy relationship at best.  BUUUUUUT, the foolish optimist in me attributed a lot of her volatility and temper to her situation; she was in the U.S. on a student visa, and wanted to stay, but it was unlikely that was going to work out for her, without either getting lucky in the green card lottery, or getting married.  She seemed to like me and be happy with me most of the time... so I thought marriage would solve our problems. 

After I proposed, and the initial happiness started to give way to lots of hostile demands I do this and that to prepare for our wedding, file her immigration paperwork, etc. I started to reconsider, but a couple weeks later, before I committed to jumping off the train, we found out she was pregnant.

[blueblue12]

Barnabus, similar experience here, the beginning was surreal, I was the greatest guy in the world and I felt in control, couldn’t do anything wrong. I had no idea but as the years went by, I suddenly had no control and she was confrontational often. After ten years the end arrived and it was all my fault!

My T who was the first to mentioned BPD, now tells me that I was never in control, it was all a facade, I was seduced from the start and made to believe certain things, but underneath there were different issues brewing, personal issues that I thought a loving and supportive partner that I was, would be able to fix. The final discardment was certainly brutal. I was not ready for that.

[Barnabus]

Raul, that is similar to me as well. After 25 or so years, the changes got worse and worse. Where she was mostly seemed happy to go along with almost anything, she began to be just outright contrarian about nearly everything. I thought I was going crazy.

This progressed into a loss of what respect I thought she had for me, and a disdain for any ideas I had. If I wanted back, she wanted white... I tried everything to just get along with her. It was like something inside of her that was always there just finally popped out.

It really got maddening. After about 15 years, I was an emotional, mental, physical and spiritual wreck. That's when I finally said no more. And then I saw the real venom and it only got worse after we separated.

Now she has made me the villain and she is the pitiful victim - even turning some of my friends and family members against me.

[once removed]

no, i didnt know anything about BPD. i had maybe heard it by name once or twice.

i discovered it by accident, really. my ex was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. i was searching for explanations after we ended, having to do with bipolar disorder, and abbreviated it as "BPD", and it rang more than a few bells.