I broke up with him when he tried to sabatoge my conference call. I regret it

[Lightandshine]

Weve been together almost 6 years. The last year has by far been the most difficult.
There's a lot to unpack here, but things really took a turn when my stepbrother lived with us over the summer. I'm the golden child of a single mom with narcissistic tendencies. I am just now getting to know what boundaries are. My stepbrother was a terrible house guest but I did not establish boundaries and allowed him to violate SOwBPD boundaries as well.

While stepbro was living with us (he got kicked out of his gf's place after a violent argument), SOwBPD uncovered a traumatic childhood memory and became increasingly upset with my brother presence. It took 1.5 months for me to ask my stepbrother to leave, and I do regret not doing it sooner. The same day I asked him to leave, SOwBPD and my step brother got into an explosive argument. SO has actively avoided him since because he's worried things would heat up again, while stepbrother has reached out a few times to reconcile.

Since then, it's been a roller coaster like nothing in our previous 5 years together.his anger can last for days, he calls me his enemy, and makes demands that I fix it since I made him that angry. He seems to get set off any time he is hungry. He has had painful digestion issues since October and has a limited diet. At the same time, he resents these limitations and either ignores them or gets upset with me for starving him, even though we have food that he can eat, just doesnt have a taste for. He refuses to make choices about what to eat and then yells at me when I cook or choose something he doesnt like.

He does not cook for us, and I think it's because I'm the primary bread winner right now and it's not "his" food if I  buy it.

After a a day and a half of him asking "what do I get", demanding I fix his anger because I caused it, and refusing all solutions I proposed just to be stubborn, I was feeling so small.

I went to bed the first night at 11:45 after fighting since 7:30 am (I work from home too...). I start working from home at 5:30 am, SOwBPD woke up at 8:57. I said good morning but then had a meeting at 9. SO said "is that it?", wanting me to offer a solution to his anger instead of just good morning.

I told him I had a meeting but could talk on 1 hour. He then starts loudly doing the dishes, loading and unloading the dishwasher and slamming cabinets while I was on a video call with my boss. I had my mic muted so boss couldn't hear the commotion. I stayed focused on my meeting when SOwBPD unplug the wifi router. I could not believe would do this. I am the only one working right now and I could not believe it.

I then remembered that he threatened to make my life hell through interrupting my job, car, or apartment just because if I dont care about him why should he care about me.

I left the apartment and called my boss from my cell to finish the meeting.  When I told SO I was stepping out, he said, well when are you going to talk to me. I said in one hour and left. When I came back to the apartment, I asked if he tried to sabotage my meeting. He said yes, he unplugged the wifi. I said I think we should break up

I told him how i dont deserve to be belittled and name called and abused, even when I mess up. He agreed and was apologetic.

We had a long talk about our feelings. And I love him very much but I can't be treated like this. I asked him if he thought we could get through this and he said that he always has. He's feeling so betrayed and abandoned by my breaking up with him. I said that I dont need to break up I just can't be treated like this.

But he's very upset now and is barely speaking to me. When he does, he is again saying it is my fault he treats me like that. I now know that I am codependent and have enabled verbal abuse. But we are both in the process of finding therapists and I think we could make it work if we try. I'm trying not to fawn because he is upset, because interrupting my work meeting is definitely a boundary he cannot cross

I'm always so confused. Sorry for the rant.

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[Ozzie101]

Hi there, Lightandshine! Welcome!

Your story is familiar to me. I, too, put up with tantrums and emotional/verbal abuse and struggled with poor boundaries in dealing with my uBPDh. Food was a BIG issue with him, too. He gained weight on a medication and was very angry and frustrated with that, trying to get it back off.

Anyway, he got into a habit of taking out all his frustrations and negative feelings on me. Everything was my fault and it was up to me to fix it all. If I couldn't wave my wand and do it by magic, then I was "not helpful" and the lashing out would start. I know how demoralizing and frustrating that can be.

It sounds to me like you handled the situation well. You kept up your commitment to your job and didn't let him derail you, though he tried in some VERY immature ways. Good for you!

I will say that it's usually not a good idea to threaten things you don't plan to follow through with (saying you think you should break up when you're not prepared to actually do it). But that's good that you talked about your feelings and made it clear you won't tolerate the treatment he's dishing out. I'm also glad to hear you're both looking to get into therapy.

Sounds like he's still pulling the same thing my H did when he was in his dysregulation phase: blaming you for his behavior. That's a sign that he's not ready to change.

The good news is, there are things you can do and tools you can learn that can improve things and can make you stronger. You can't change or control him (that has to come from him) but you can change yourself.

So, when he makes those "it's your fault" comments or demands that you solve his problems, how do you usually respond?

[Lightandshine]

Interrupting my job was never something I thought he would ever do, and hasn't done in the 2.5 years I've been working from home. my mind immediately went to "what else will he do then?". Its with that fearful mindset that I started the conversation and then said we should break up. It was an emotional decision and not a rational one. I know opening with the break up and then going into how I felt was probably the worst possible thing I could do.

I try to use the SET method when he tells me everything is my fault and demands I fix it. I try to validate his frustration or anger about a situation. I apologize for playing a role in the situation.  He has flat out asked me to say that our problems are 100% my fault but i explained that both parties play a role in relationships. He likes to say " you put us here, you get us out" when he's angry. I've replied that I can't control his feelings or actions, only he can. And that all I can do is apologize for my part in it and try to be better. But that's usually not good enough for him. And after a couple of days he usually cools down and can actually talk about it and apologizes for being so angry.

[Red5]

Interrupting my job was never something I thought he would ever do, and hasn't done in the 2.5 years I've been working from home. my mind immediately went to "what else will he do then?".

Afternoon Lightandshine,

Many of us, have a mental list of "deal breakers"… as it is very difficult to 'maintain' in a relationship when your partner is a pw/BPD.

Sometimes they may go too far… enter "enabling"… "codependency"… and "caretaking".

Sometimes, sadly, when the pw/BPD goes too far, and causes too much destruction, then that "mental list" has to be reviewed, and tough decisions made, to either effect change (attempt), or else make the really tough decisions… ie' distance, self protection.

My list is (was);
*infidelity_
*physical violence (DV-me or children)_
*threaten the home, financial ($) security (children's)_
*threaten the career, livelihood, ability to provide the above (home $ security)_

If person with borderline (suspected or diagnosed) is busy; metaphorically "drilling holes in the bottom of the lifeboat"… then that's "no good".

Sorry you're having to deal with this, we all know its not easy… infact emotionally draining.

Kind Regards, Red5