What are my obligations to my aging BPD mom?

[GreenGlit]

I just returned from my maternal grandmother's funeral in my hometown. After years of not seeing my mother (we are limited contact), I was strongly reminded at this funeral how dysfunctional my nuclear family is. My only sister, who I am estranged from (she is verbally/emotionally abusive and has some undiagnosed behavioral problem - we are NC), is petty and bitter and was extremely cold when I attempted to be cordial and act normal for the sake of the funeral event. BPD mother clings to my sister - they clearly have a co-dependent relationship and even other guests commented on how they excluded me in every way possible. At one point my loving aunt invited me to lunch afterwards with my family and I overheard my mother whisper to my sister, "is it ok with you if she comes?" and my sister whispered back "I don't give a sh** about her." I guess my mom was going to tell me I was uninvited to lunch if my sister said no? How is this real life.

All this recent exposure to death has made me question my obligations to my mother, now 70 years old, as she gets older and will need help in the future. I was supposed to be her caretaker as this was my designated role...I was always the more "familial" sibling, I am a doctor, and based on our projected earnings, I will make a lot more money than my sister. But I couldn't see my mom on a regular basis without sacrificing my sanity. I probably couldn't even be in a situation that would require contacting my sister re: my mom's care without sacrificing my sanity. I could hardly be in the same room with them for 4 hours without experiencing the worst anxiety I've had since the last time I saw them several years ago.

At this point seeing my mom reject me in every way makes me want to say, you know what, she can deal with the consequence of alienating me...it's not my fault they pushed me away. My sister is hardly able to care for herself much less an elderly parent. It made me profoundly sad to see the dark bitterness in her heart and how it wore on her face. But it's hard to feel bad for her as she alienated one of the only people in her life who would have tolerated and loved her. I am also reluctant to write checks in the future towards someone's care and comfort who has not considered my own needs in years as their child. I am conflicted with this FOG. I wish my mom happiness and I want her to be comfortable, but seeing her reminds me of the pain she continues to inflict on me and I'm not sure I can endure any more.

Children of elderly BPD parents... how have you dealt with caring for your aging parent?

[GaGrl]

My step-grandmother was uNPD/BPD and was much younger than my grandfather. He had Alzheimer's, and SGM managed to have him sign a new will in the last week's of his life, effectively taking out any mention of my mother (his only child).

Following his death, my mother went very low contact. I think it was the first time my mother felt any degree of freedom. There were occasional phone calls, perhaps a short stop as my parents drove through her city on a trip to see me.

My mother did not contest the will and so felt SGM had the funds for assistance, etc. SGM had never legally adopted her (married my widowed grandfather when my mom was 6 years old) and so had no ability to handle healthcare issues. There continued to be the occasional FOG, but overall, my mom simply detached.

[zachira]

I am sorry to hear that you are facing heartbreak and confusion about what your obligations are to your aging BPD mom. Having your sister and mother siding against you is certainly painful especially when you are the daughter who has the capacity to help your mother in constructive ways. I have an elderly mother and two siblings with BPD and NPD. I would so much like to help my mother and can't because my siblings are essentially controlling access to her and are continually bad mouthing me. What seems to work is to limit my contact with her and my siblings, and not participate in her care. From my experience, the challenge is to to feel and to heal from the life long sorrow that comes with knowing that we will never be loved by our mother and family the way we deserve and have the chance to make peace with them before their lives or ours ends. There are many members on this site who are or have been in similar situations to yours and will respond.  It can help to read the threads of other members. Whatever you decide, know that it is not set in stone, and what matters is what feels right for your well being right now, which can change with time and circumstances.

[No-One]

All this recent exposure to death has made me question my obligations to my mother, now 70 years old, as she gets older and will need help in the future. I was supposed to be her caretaker as this was my designated role...I was always the more "familial" sibling, I am a doctor, and based on our projected earnings, I will make a lot more money than my sister. But I couldn't see my mom on a regular basis without sacrificing my sanity. I probably couldn't even be in a situation that would require contacting my sister re: my mom's care without sacrificing my sanity. I could hardly be in the same room with them for 4 hours without experiencing the worst anxiety I've had since the last time I saw them several years ago.

If your mom is 70, I'm thinking your grandmother was likely in her 90's?  Sounds like longevity might run in the family.  Do you think your mom has the potential of living another 20, or more years?

What do you mean by "designated role", in regard to your mother?  Who is named as medical POA and financial POA?  Are you named on one or both? What is her financial situation?  (home that she owns, savings, etc.)

If your mom doesn't have long-term care insurance, the best financial status is to either be very rich, or poor enough to get public assistance.  I read in one of your first posts, that your mother is a retired physician.  One would think that a physician would invest in long-term care insurance.  I'm thinking, however, that BPD traits likely got in the way of that action.  Is that the case?

Perhaps you might want to do some brainstorming and create a chart of possible situations and choices, regarding elder care for your mom.  Then, file the chart away & quit worrying about it.   As life circumstances change, perhaps you open up the file and update it.

You never know what's going to happen.  You could spend years worrying about your possible role in elder care and then your mom ends up dying suddenly with a stroke of heart attack.



 

[Zabava]

I am struggling with this too. My mum is turning 80 this year.  She has had therapy and mellowed over the years, but I still feel angry at her for what I experienced growing up.  What do we owe our parents?  I don't know.  As a parent myself I want my kids to live life to the fullest and not worry about me. 
 

[GreenGlit]

Thank you for your replies.
To answer some questions, when I say my "designated role" I mean that growing up my mother realized I was much more "of the family"...I craved hearing family stories of the home country and had a natural tendency to care for others. My sister used to say that I'd be the first one to step up for my parents when they became older, especially considering my sister has very little tolerance for difficult situations or sick people.

I think my parents should be ok financially. They were professionals and supposedly have saved for retirement although it's been a bit lifestyle change. My grandmother died at 92 and grandfather is 91 and still alive, so I do expect my mom (now 70) to live at least another decade, however her chronic stress and anxiety I imagine may take a toll on her body. Who knows.

I did take your advice and sit to make a chart of possible scenarios and what role I'd want to take. Quite frankly all roads lead to Rome and considering how I was recently treated by my mom and sister, I have a hard time justifying to myself taking care of anyone after they so consistently rejected me and pushed me away. You don't get to alienate your family and then expect them to be around when you need a favor. I suppose I may be back in the FOG at that time, but I think I'm ready to go full no contact.

[Notwendy]

I can relate to your struggle.

I could see the signs of aging on my father and it concerned me. He eventually died after a long progressive illness. I didn't understand much about BPD or family dynamics and so jumped to help out- as probably any caring child would.

It wasn't easy though, I left my kids with a sitter and traveled to help while he was having surgery in the hospital. I stayed with him overnight and as you can imagine got no sleep. I was glad to do it. I wouldn't want it any other way. However when I went to my parents house to try to rest, I was alone with BPD mom for the first time in decades and it was unreal. I realized then just how mentally ill she was. Yelling, screaming, completely crazy.I got no rest at all. By the time I got home, I was worn out and distressed from the experience.

It made no difference to them. I realized my father was too sick to be concerned, but it didn't register with my mother that I made an effort to help nor did they care that I was tired and needed to rest up from the trip. My mother called me the next day telling me my father was near death. I made the trip  back and when I got there, the home health nurse was there and he was being taken care of. He was thankfully not near death, she just said it to get me back there. I understand that they wanted help but they had no regard for my need to take care of my own family and also, my mother lies to get what she wants and she wanted me back to take care of things. But I had my own family to take care of. How could I meet my parent's wishes and also be a mother to my own children? I could not do both.

This started a long conflict between me and my parents over boundaries. There were several of them but I realized that they had no concern for me or the needs of my own family. My father was being taken care of medically. The main reason they wanted me there was to cater to BPD mom. Dad had been her enabler and when he could not do that, they expected me to step in and why not- this had been my role. And when I did come to help, she basically emotionally abused me most of the time.

I couldn't do it. I feel badly that I could not have helped my father more. I wanted to do it but I realized that to be able to care for my own family, I had to also take care of myself. Even if I stayed with them 24/7 it would not have made them happy. I became to them and their family the "horrible daughter" who didn't visit enough. There were other conflicts too. By the time he died, I think I was disowned. I don't know for sure as my remaining family on my mother's side would not speak to me.

My mother is now an aging widow and while I also feel it's important to be caring, I also know what being her caretaker is like. She's abusive and she's a liar. I can manage seeing her for a brief period of time. She did sign consent for her doctor to speak to me and she has a social worker involved who knows her situation and how I feel about it.

All of this is sad for me. This is not how I imagined my relationship with my elderly parents would be and it isn't how I would want it to be. I know it can be a difficult task to care for an elderly parent sometimes, but it can also be a joy- if there's a relationship with that parent, but my mother is abusive. I can only do as much as I can- and I have to decide how much that is.

I know this is a long post, but sharing my story so you can see that you are not alone. We can only do our best with it, and work with the situation we have.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
Thank you for sharing your story. I know I feel terrible that I cannot help my elderly mom with BPD and NPD, and I have to keep my siblings with BPD and NPD at arm's length. I had always expected to be close to my siblings after mom died however they have been extremely cruel to me in the last 18 months since I have become more quietly self confident after years of therapy while mom has been raging since my siblings are limiting my contact with her. I admire how you have set healthy boundaries with your mother while continuing to detach from her and accept how she is. I read your posts and many of the guilt feelings I have about setting boundaries and the sorrow I feel about my family dissipate as you role model how to be low contact and make the choices that work for you in dealing with your mother and family. Thank you for sharing and setting an example on how we can still be in contact with our family members with BPD and the relatives that malign us in ways that work and maintain our well being.

[Notwendy]

Zachira- I can't say I don't struggle with guilt feelings, especially with regards to my father. I really did love him and wanted to do more for him. The need to set boundaries was more than a choice, it felt more like survival.  After travelling back and forth to help, I had stress-related physical issues. These went away when I began to set boundaries and take care of my own basic needs.

As  a mother myself, I know that if my child drove several hours in a car - I would want her to get some rest. If she was sleeping, I wouldn't stand outside her bedroom door screaming at her. When it comes to my mother though, she doesn't consider that. It's only about her feelings. I could not expect her to be considerate of me.

I realize that the situation was stressful for everyone. It had to be tough on my mother to have my father be ill. I wouldn't blame her for being irritable, but she has no limit to how much she demands of me and no regard for even simple needs like getting sleep. I could not tolerate her constant emotional abuse and screaming at me all hours of the night.

I had to be the one to limit my time visiting them. I also didn't stay at their house again so that I could have some privacy and quiet. I stayed in a hotel.

These are not easy choices to make, but we have to make our own well being a priority and not rely on a BPD parent to be considerate. I also feel I have to balance this with being a decent person according to my own values. I can't base that on how she behaves. I try to be as considerate as possible with her while keeping boundaries. I need to stay grounded in my own sense of values with her. It's tough sometimes.

[Turkish]

I helped out so much over the years... near the end,  my therapist put it like this: "you're a home,  not a hospital, and your mom needs a hospital." This was after my mom lived with me Ann's my little kids, but started making accusations of criminal elder abuse. 

I have no siblings. Ultimately,  I gave over consetvatorship to a county employee (my mom is over 100 miles away). The court documents I was copied made me feel guilty ("next of kin is unwilling or unable to help..."), but it was for the best. She has an advocate now, not me.

My thoughts are, "as long as she is safe."

[madeline7]

This is such loaded subject for me. When my elderly uBPDm became widowed and moved to my town so me and sibs could take care of her, I went to an attorney (1st consult free) to see what my legal obligations were. As far as I know, she does not have a POA, another sibling manages her finances. Legally speaking, I am not obligated to care for her. Emotionally speaking, well that's another story. I cannot rely on my siblings, one lives out of the country for much of the year, and the other was painted black for so long, that her boundaries are very well drawn. So I seem to be the person by default that the independent living community calls, or when there is a medical issue or a fall, I am the one she and everyone else looks to. She refuses a caregiver, refuses assisted living, and is currently cycling between appearing functional, then taking an emotional nosedive. I have finally worked out a situation where my sibling who manages the finances will be able to pay for a private geriatric care manager to help by either managing her nosedives, hospital admissions or encourage her to move to A.L. This week she has an appointment at an A.L., if she refuses, the caregiver will be hired. So we will see. But finally, there is a plan in place in which I will be getting support by health care professionals, rather than taking this on which clearly is a no win situation.

[zachira]

madeleine7
Glad to hear that you are experimenting with a new arrangement with your mom in which you will hopefully be less negatively impacted by your mother's behaviors. It sure is hard work and emotionally draining to have to deal with an elderly mother with BPD. We are different than our mothers with BPD and caring people so it is hard to abandon them. Take care and keep us posted.

[yepitsme]

@Notwendy, @GrenGilt, @Zabava...

When I read your stories, I'm reading my own.

Highlights:
Mom is BPD - 77 yo w/Parkinson's.  I have 2 sisters, one of who is co-dependent with my mom.  It's so weird.  She's made herself the signer of my mom's checkbooks, head of our family limited trust.  It scares me that she's in charge of all things money.  My other sister and I are always in the dark when it comes to money.

My dad passed away in 2011.  My mother was terrible to him.  Basically regressed to a 9 yr old, tried to kick him out of the house ("he's a baby, he needs a daycare.  I don't want him here.").  She was successful once - my sister came and picked him bc she feared for his safety.

I used to see my mom 2-3x a week, but I blew up at her about a month ago because I tried to set a boundary and she kept manipulating me.  I screamed for 45 minutes - everything just blew up.  I haven't seen her since.  All I know is that I'm not ready to see her. 

I don't have answers, but starting therapy next week so I can get more support. 

Do most of you end up just cutting the BPD person out of your life? 

[GreenGlit]

Late to reply but I just want to say thank you to everyone. I can't express how it feels to read stories and feel like I'm not alone.

@notwendy thanks for sharing your story re: your dad's illness. I can relate to this and I've come to terms with the reality that I couldn't feasibly participate in mom or dad's recovery without crossing a lot of boundaries and putting my own needs aside...so I just hope my sister is able to pick up the slack since my mom has clearly chosen her and alienated me.

@yepitsme I can also relate to the concerns about parental finances. My sister is also enlaced in my parents' $ and frankly at this point, given our estranged relationship, I am just assuming I have been removed from the family will. My sister has a toddler with mild autism, and my mom for years has provided excessive luxuries for him (thousands of dollars of designer clothes, toys, you name it, despite my sister and BIL both having lucrative jobs) because she feels bad for his special needs, but in the past has turned down my request to help me purchase a suit for job interviews when I was a student with no income. I figure this behavior will continue postmortem and I am prepared for that. It is kind of freeing really after years of wondering if my sister will take everything. Now I assume she will, and for the record, I think I'm getting a much better deal with my freedom and my own life that wasn't controlled by our mother. Perhaps it may suit you consider thinking about it that way?

[zachira]

I agree with you that you are the daughter that lucked out. You clearly have developed a healthy sense of self without your mother and can live without the family connections and drama. My hat is off to you!

[Notwendy]

Hi Green Glit- I think it is better off to be the child who isn't enmeshed. It's not an easy situation to balance. I know I would like to be more involved with an elderly parent in general, but I am not dealing with an typical parent-adult child relationship. I can accept that even great parents can be a challenge in their elder years- they can be angry, act out- but the bond between child and parent is there, having been nurtured for many years.

My father was difficult at times, yet, I knew this wasn't "him" - it was him struggling with illness. My mother is thankfully quite healthy- and manipulative and emotionally abusive. It's also her mental illness, but this isn't new. We don't have that typical parent- child bond and her behavior isn't a change from her younger self.

I can be involved as much as I can tolerate her behavior. Over time, having done some personal work, I can tolerate her behavior better. It doesn't have quite the emotional impact it has had, but it still does - considering that she is my mother. I can only be around her so much. I don't want to add fuel to the drama, so I try to stay calm with her and also not reactive to things she says to me. It's a work in progress, but it isn't how I would have wanted it to be with a parent.

I think that's part of the process- the wanting a good relationship with our mother and accepting the mothers we have and doing the best we can with it.