surviving a break up from my BPD ex girlfriend and needed help to recover.

[frankofwgkta]

it has been 9 days since my ex left me. as you know the relationship started amazing. it was fast and intense and i really believed that we were in love. we were together for 7 month. i was there for all her episodes because she would always spend the night till she moved in. she opened up to me more than she has ever opened up to her parents and therapist. she told me about her drug use and her abusive relationships and her suicide attempt last year. and a lot more. i was the first person to meet her whole family. she has left me 6 times throughout our relationship and it is always something different. she relapsed in the begging of the year and she informed me that she used her body to get drugs. and that was very hard for me to know but i got her back. i was there throughout her getting clean process. and everything was good. but then we broke up again. and got back together. it has been two month without any problems but her episodes have been more frequent where she tells me she's suicidal and shes craving drugs. i was always able to help her get out of that. now the day before she left we celebrated our 7 month. and it was amazing she told me how much she loves me and how happy she is that we are going to start making a baby next week and how we are going to move to a new apartment in august and everything was amazing, but the next day was normal , but she came back home and told me that she wants to be in a relationship with a woman now? so she chose in that moment to leave and go back to her parents. i'm dealing with a lot of depression, loss of appetite, loss of sleep. feeling lost with out her. it's so much to deal with. she doesn't have any friends and she doesn't talk to her parent. last time i spoke to her she told me shes dealing with a lot and shes alone and she doesn't have anyone and she has to deal with all this alone. well, i'm having a hard time to let go. i worry about her everyday and how she is doing but i have been so scarred from this relationship that i don't know who i am i don't love my self anymore . the relationship was so codependent that not having her here is killing me . and what shocks me is that one day she loves me so much and we have plans that the next day she is already looking for a new relationship and she is moving on so fast. i'm afraid that she is going to forget about me. i need advice on how to move on. but i'm worried because the last i heard or seen from her was that she was in an accident and i'm worried but i can't do anything about it. i need help. i've never had this level of heartbreak and she is treating me like i'm no one and she doesn't want anything to do with me but i'm also scared she will come back when i least expect it. all the times she broke up with me she has been with other people. i'm just so confused and i need to hear if i'm not the only one that has gone through this.

[once removed]

hi frankofwgkta, and

im sorry to hear youre hurting like this. it was one of the hardest things i ever went through as well, and i want you to know that it really does get better, even if that idea feels really foreign right now.

it sounds like her life is in a lot of turmoil. that can make it very difficult to be in a romantic relationship, and it can even make the prospect of a better future very scary, especially when you have the deep fears that people with BPD traits have.

do you want to reconcile the relationship if you had the chance?

[frankofwgkta]

i know that right now i want her back more than anything, but in my research of BPD i saw that pwBPD have troubles with identity. She told me she wants to get in a relationship with women but then she's talking to guys to. i want her back so so much. but i feel like if i go back or if there's is a chance of her coming back, i will be more destroyed than what i am right now. i just want her to talk to me.

[once removed]

when is the last time you spoke? what happened?

[frankofwgkta]

so i am not proud of what i did the last time i spoke to her which was on tuesday. tuesday was really hard for me because it was a week since she left me. I had to see her one more time because she left so much of her stuff here in my room. so i was calm when i saw her, i told her i miss her and love her but i hope she's doing good and she let me know that she isn't talking to anyone. once she told me that i got a glimps of hope that she might come back! the problem was that i told her to read a letter i left in her back, the letter says how much i love her and how much i miss her and everything i miss and our plans. i guess i was trying to get her back to remember the great times. everytime she breaks up with me she says she is always having self sabotaging episodes. so i was hoping she wanted to come back but she didn't know how. well anyways when i got home i was waiting for a sign to see if she would contact me. and she didn't so my anxiety got worse. so i decided to text her, i told her to call me and tell me whats going on, that i can't heal because i feel like shes going to come back. i even told her i will wait. then she tells me what do you mean you  will wait? so any ways i kept texting her till she replied. i kept asking her, AL please tell me whats going on i can't heal, i'm afraid that you are coming back or not. i asked to tell me that if i should wait and give her time or please tell me we are never getting back together. because i want to eliminate any idea or hope that we will get back together. untill she called and she was so mean, and i understand but i told her please tell me i need to know and she told me we are not getting back together. she told me she wouldn't want anything more than the world to having me in her life, that i'm an amazing person and loving and a lot of stuff but she's dealing with alot. so i got my answer, i felt so relieved to know that there is no hope but now i'm having trouble moving on.

[once removed]

one thing that i would suggest, is that if she does come back, or if you think theres even a 5% chance of getting back together, post on the Bettering board, and start learning the tools. you will need them. nothing changes without changes, and chances are there would be serious distrust and unresolved conflict waiting for you both if she came back tomorrow.

[frankofwgkta]

i will but i highly doubt she will come back i feel like there's a 1% chance of doing that. the only thing i don't know is that , do pwBPD tend to go back to there "Good" exs in the future when they are feeling the worst? well anyways, when we got back together during her relapse i did so much research about BPD i learned tools to calm her down, i learned how to speak to her, i learned the do's and Don'ts and i did everything! i even sat down with her parents during there family meeting about my ex and i did everything right. i guess, she just doesn't know who she is. we are both young. so i know i will learn so much about this. so ican be a better lover in the future and not go into a toxic relationship and learn to not become codependent.

[once removed]

do pwBPD tend to go back to there "Good" exs in the future when they are feeling the worst?

i dont think theres a simple answer to this. there are reasons people reconcile a relationship, and in the case of people with BPD traits, some of those can be more BPD-centric like difficulty being alone, perhaps the breakup was just a means to get their way/wasnt sincere...perhaps those makeup/breakup cycles can be addictive, perhaps there is unfinished business, etc.

she just doesn't know who she is. we are both young.

shes definitely struggling. i think all of us struggle in discovering and becoming who we are in our younger years, certainly a person with BPD traits struggles even more. my ex and i were very young too, and your ex sounds a bit higher on the spectrum than mine.

so i know i will learn so much about this. so ican be a better lover in the future and not go into a toxic relationship and learn to not become codependent.

this is a great place to do it. you can learn skills from life here, take life by the horns, and be fearless in love. you can grieve here though, too. the most important thing that i did, before i could do any of that, was completely grieve the relationship, and that took quite a while.

[frankofwgkta]

i was wondering about posting everyday on how i am feeling? i guess the hardest thing for me to get over other than really falling in love and miss her so much even though most of the relationship was filled with bumps, i'm really hard on my self, one of the things she told me while we were going to drop her off at her parents was that she said i'm sorry i wasted 7 month of your life. i don't see it as a waste, i was able to experience what it feels to trully love someone and what it feels to make true love. she's always in my head but i get frustrated that i am so heartbroken and broken my self after this. i never gone through a break up in this caliber! i hope i never have to go through something so bad. and yes, trust me she's high in the spectrum. she tells me that there's times where shes in a episode or mood for days and the week before she left she told me that she has been in an episode or mood for a week and when she snapped out of it she texted me i love you so f*ing much! she was like i can't believe you were there for me. well it's over but i'm just hard on my self and i need to focus on my self.

[once removed]

i was wondering about posting everyday on how i am feeling?

i certainly would. it helps to talk, and it helps to write too. its a good way to gauge where you are day to day, and it can also be something you have to look back at, and gauge your progress.

id also encourage you to post in the threads of others like you have. it will help build your support system. and sometimes youll find yourself offering insights you didnt quite know you had, and thats a good sign of healing.

one of the things she told me while we were going to drop her off at her parents was that she said i'm sorry i wasted 7 month of your life. i don't see it as a waste, i was able to experience what it feels to trully love someone and what it feels to make true love.

i think that that attitude is really important and it can separate the folks that heal from those whom maybe the pain dulls over time, but the wounds remain, and are just hidden and covered up. we need hope that things get better, that there is life and love after this.

she's always in my head but i get frustrated that i am so heartbroken and broken my self after this.

would you be frustrated with yourself for being heartbroken if she had died?

things got a lot easier on me when i told myself it was okay to feel whatever i was feeling, whether it was missing her, whether it was crying over the loss, whether it was anger over things that she did, or whether it was a "screw her" attitude. letting myself feel those things without judgment gave me the space to really grieve. i dont think we get through it with shame over our grief, but by observing it, and probing it.

[frankofwgkta]

yeah being on this discussion board is really helping a little more and i feel like sooner than later. i guess, i've accepted that the relationship is over and it's better for me to move on and let go. The only things that sucks is that she is the first one i truly feel in love with. i've loved other ex's but not to this intensity. i know i'm ready to date and go back out there but the thing i hate the most is that when i see cute girls, my head is like oh well my ex is cuter and has better features even though i don't mean it that much because everyone is beautiful. i guess what makes this relationship different and the break up is that from day one we saw each other everyday like i mean everyday. she would spend days on end over here before she started school it was more intense. i guess the problem i'm facing is that because we've spent most of our time here in my room and at her moms when we weren't doing anything that everthing reminds me of her. even though i know i am a mess, i know that i feel way much better than i did the day it happened as all these past days. i'm just having trouble getting my body not used to the schedule we had. from monday thru thursday we went to school then after we ate at her parents to save money then back home and again the next days till the weekend we slept in then spent the day at her parents and came home. unless we had plans but she never wanted to do anything. this i just a huge learning leason.

[frankofwgkta]

Update in case people are following my process . Yesterday I had a tough day but I was doing better and I had fun last night but I sent her a voice message saying I miss you because I was drunk (I did drunk to cope I was just having fun) and in the morning I checked her snap and she blocked me on everything even though I wasn’t her friend on social media. It hurt but at the same time it’s better because I wasn’t strong enough to do it my self. I miss her so much but I’m doing better and It’s almost 2 weeks ! Since she left so I’m glsd I’m out of that emotional abusive and controlling relationship.

[once removed]

The only things that sucks is that she is the first one i truly feel in love with. i've loved other ex's but not to this intensity.

my ex and i spent most of our time together as well. i think when youre around anyone that much, and you build a life together, it can leave a real void. eventually, and step by step, we fill that void.

i would urge some caution in using dating to do so, though, for a host of reasons. fully grieve your relationship. rebuild a life where youre thriving.

[frankofwgkta]

i understand, that's what i am dealing with a lot. the problem is the relationship was so intense and that we literally spent everyday together. our bond felt like it was so close and amazing i'm not sure if that's how it always is in relationships with pwBPD, but it also shocks me how much we planned and were going to do in our lives that now those things are gone.

[clvrnn]

i understand, that's what i am dealing with a lot. the problem is the relationship was so intense and that we literally spent everyday together. our bond felt like it was so close and amazing i'm not sure if that's how it always is in relationships with pwBPD, but it also shocks me how much we planned and were going to do in our lives that now those things are gone.

Yes, this feeling of intense closeness and spending every day together is typical of these relationships. I remember asking my ex if it was a problem for her to spend every day with me (thinking that I didn't want her to get bored) and she said "no, this is how I spend time with someone I'm dating"  I remember feeling a little unsettled at that, it felt like a red flag. But what you've described is very typical, yes.

[frankofwgkta]

yeah, what made me feel like i was special was that she was so comfortable around me that she did things she would never do around anyone not even her family. she opened up to me like no one. and she kept telling me that she loves that she can talk to me about everything even the bad. i miss her so damn much. and i did the same thing in the start of our relationship. i love that a girl i just met wants to see me all the time and spend the night. it got to the point that i was like , can you stay at your parents tonight? i wanted to relax and play some games with my friends but she would get bothered by that but then i regretted her not being here. the relationship so intense , that i realized i found someone who feels the same way i was not scared of how fast it started. i wish i had more time but i know this would not work out i'm not going to be one of those lucky BPD relationships that would work out. if she wanted me and wanted to work stuff she would of contacted me by now.

[clvrnn]

I can tell that this situation is making you feel very anxious - I recognise a lot of what you're saying and feeling from the first time my ex broke up with me, and a lot from the second time she broke up with me.

Firstly, you're panicking that she doesn't want you; what I really understand about BPD is that... well let me try and break it down. Basically, it's like a light switch. When that switch is on, everything's fine. When the switch is off, things aren't fine. It has really nothing to do with whether she wants you - in fact, it is probably that she does want you, and the feelings are so real and overwhelming that she has to get out of it, before you hurt and abandon her.

You and I both know you wouldn't do that, but this is the thought process that occurs. These dates she's going on with other guys don't necessarily mean anything; they're a form of escapism, because to sit and be alone with her thoughts would be overwhelming for her, so it's a distraction. My ex did the same the first time she broke up with me; she started spending a lot of time with this guy who is obsessed with her, then she went to another guy who likes her. She did this because she has no friends, and because she had broken things off with me, there was no-one left to occupy her time. I hope this is making sense. So, what I'm saying is, try not to take her dating other guys personally, or as a rejection of you.

Secondly (and I'm very wary of going into this) it's likely she will come back to you. I was at the very same place you are - I can't see how it would have happened, she hated me, was ignoring me, etc. She did come back, and we dated again.

But what I really want to make clear is that often, the pattern continues. She will do this to you again, and often the period of 'niceness' becomes a lot shorter, and the 'discard' becomes a lot more painful. Some people report only having a week of idealisation and then constant discards. I get that you want the intensity back, and it's really not for me to tell you to stay away from her. But if anything, the best thing to do is prepare yourself by reading as much as you can about this, and making sure you're equipped to handle this again, because this is unfortunately a part of these relationships.

[frankofwgkta]

yeah i completely agree with you with a lot that you are saying. yes, i want her so bad but it's not healthy. she left me 6 times already. the funny thing is that we would always say that after a break up and when we get back together is that our relationship is stronger than the last times. that is was i was wishing so much these past days. it will happen again if she does come back. i also agree when you told me about why shes dating right away. She doesn't have any friends, she had to get away with the 2 she had because all they do is drugs and she can't relapse. other than me, she didn't have any one. i feel sorry for her in the sense is that she's dealing with everything by her self. she cant talk to her parents. and what messes with my head is that the last time she broke up with me she started dating right away and when she called me that one night she told me she went on a date and well i was like oh that's good. but she would always tell me that all those people she was talking to and seeing aren't me. she was like no one is like you and i miss you. ha, and well you know the story i'm here alone now. i guess the idea that keeps me from moving on foward is that i can't believe i just went through all this with her and now i will never see from her again. i also agree with you on that they come back even after you thought they hatted you. last time she blocked me on everything because i would keep calling to talk to her and get her back and she was like leave me alone i don't want you and all that so when she came out of no where and wanted me back after hating me shocked me so right now i feel like even though she has blocked me and is pissed and annoyed by me is that i feel like she will come back in some way and i'm afraid. i will go back , but i want to get to the point that i will say no. i miss her so much and i keep remembering things that made me happy about us and sexual times. idk i feel like i do better then i go down.