Dealing with the disorder rather than the behavior

[Fanatic]

Our teenage daughter was hospitalized for 10 days last year after she admitted to suicidal thoughts and hurting her self.  The psychiatrist felt like she might have pre BPD.  The idea of walking on egg shells did make sense to us as whenever she would get in trouble and we would try and hold her to account she would rage or become inconsolable.  Things have been better over the last year until recently.  Her boyfriend of over a year broke up with her and it has been challenging for her and us.  She has told stories of awful things that have happened that we have only heard second hand.  She says she won’t talk to us because we make everything worse.  I guess we are trying to find ways to help her as she prepares to live on her own while keeping our sanity.  Last week she stayed out for the night and lied to us about a sleepover.  When confronted she said she spent the night in the car because she could not be with anyone.  She has had a counselor who said he could not help her unless she wanted help.  She was seeing a psychiatrist a few months but then he retired.  We recently just started with a new psychiatrist, he feels part of the problem is consistency that if we let him help her for a longer period he may be able to help.  She says she will try it for us...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello, Fanatic,
I am glad to meet you and sorry for the circumstances. It seems you have really been going through it with your teenage daughter. Many people in this group have children who have not been formally diagnosed with BPD but show BPD symptoms or, as is the case with your daughter, have been described as pre-PBD. It is so good that she is open to therapy, even if she is trying it just "for you." Meanwhile I hope you will attend to your own self care, whether it is therapy for you or something else that helps you center. You have taken a huge step by posting here. You have come to the right place.

[Lollypop]

Hi fanatic

I just wanted to welcome you. I’m glad to meet you but so very sorry at what brought you here. Life with a teenager who kicks out is like being in an emotional rollercoaster and it’s exhausting and, as you’re finding, isn’t sustainable because it rolls over into all aspects of our lives.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way.

She says she won’t talk to us because we make everything worse.

Herein lies the clue!

I’ve a son, now 28, who also abuses. He was a nightmare as a teenager and I kept reacting and trying to fix and to control. He just wasn’t listening. He couldn’t listen. He didn’t want to listen because he saw me as part of his problem (actually, all of his problem).  With a better relationship he has a clearer head and is working on problem solving himself. We started late as he wasn’t diagnosed until 24 and by which time he’d downward spiralled and our relationship was at an all time low.

You come here at 18, earlier the better!

I encourage you to read as much as you can about BPD. It will help you stop reacting - the knowledge gives you understanding that something has to change. And that is you, simply because she can’t. You can learn better interaction skills that will help you improve your relationship with your daughter. Some trust is then built. Better limits and boundaries will be needed too.

I have seen this work for other families with teenage girls here on this forum. Yeptheotherone and Mommae to name but two.

Hang in there. Get reading here and ask lots of questions.

Do you have any other children?  Also, do you have any support for yourself?

Hugs

LP