It feels like I can't win...

[peonyprincess]

My mom has had BPD for my entire life. For the most part, I always seemed to navigate the impact of it fairly well until recently. When my dad died a couple years back I moved home to help my mom. While it was challenging to deal with the erratic moods, anger, etc. but I always seemed to manage it somehow. This all changed when I found the love of my life a few months ago. The second I found my partner and realized that he was everything I have been looking for, my mom was sent over the edge. The horrific spiraling and moods have only become more and more apparent. I am so blessed that my partner is incredibly understanding and has taken the time to research BPD. My partner goes above and beyond to help me deal with my mom, even taking time out of his schedule regularly to spend time with her one on one in order to alleviate outbursts and anger that is directed at me.

Recently my mom's attitude towards my partner has changed and she has become very nasty in regards to him. My mom went from liking him (as much as she is capable of liking anyone) to telling me that he will never be good enough because he is not rich, etc.

I genuinely feel like my mom cannot stand to see me in a happy and healthy relationship. I understand BPD and the abandonment issues that come with the disorder, but I feel like I am in a no win situation. Even though I have done absolutely everything in my power to maintain a balance between my partner and my mom, it is never good enough for her. The outbursts and threats have only gotten worse. It is incredibly hurtful that a mom is unable to be happy for me when literally everyone else in my life sees how happy I am and how much good he has brought to my life.

My partner is incredible and I know that I am able to talk to him about everything but I still feel like I am drowning in an impossible situation. My mom does not know this but my partner and I are planning to get married in about a years time. I am scared to even think what type of ridiculous extremes will occur when she realizes that I plan on spending my life with this man.

What do I do?

[Turkish]

What kind of threats is your mom making? And what kind of help does she need,  leaving aside the emotional help for now?

It goes without saying that as an independent entity, it is none of your mom's business with whom you choose to form a new family with. 

Many of us have been where you are,  or are at. 

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  I am so sorry you are in such a difficult position.  Like Turkish said, many of us have been where you are at so we can relate to the emotional aspect at least.

Even though I have done absolutely everything in my power to maintain a balance between my partner and my mom, it is never good enough for her.

I think this is important to take a look at.  Trying to soothe your mom is not working.  It is kind and even healthy to keep up with relationships outside of your romantic one, but that is different than what is going on here.  You are aware that pwBPD (people with BPD) have a fear of abandonment so that is good.  There is only so much you can do to support her through this as sometimes we end up feeding into that fear. 

Do you think stepping back a bit and letting your mom learn to self soothe might work?