UBPDbf thinks I'm the one with the problem

[Theperfectsky]

My bf seems to think that I am withholding affection because I havent gotten my way about him not continuing to do T. He says I'm being a baby. Ive tried to explain to him that that isnt what it is. He has a lot of personal issues he needs to.work on and T is best. He says he doesn't need T and I'm the one who needs to change. I do go to T weekly and he said and "see you haven't changed" how do I explain to him that if there are no changes maybe its him? Please help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi tps,

couple of questions...

are you withholding affection? if so, why?

how long was he in therapy and what led him to stop going?

what is it that you would like him to be working on in therapy?

[Theperfectsky]

We got into a fight about a couple of weeks ago and there hasnt been any affection until he was over it. Which is always what happens. He wants to come back when he is done being mad and wants something and acts like everything is fine. And I'm just supposed to go along with it. Meanwhile I try to talk to him and he just avoids. He just wants sex. Thats what ive been "withholding" because I won't have sex with him. I made another post about this.

We did a handful of couples sessions last year and he did a handful of individual. He just fell off the wagon. Had to reschedule one due to his work schedule and never rescheduled. I would like for him to work through all his childhood trauma. And understand that's where his rage comes from. He also experienced a bunch of racism. He has never dealt with anything that has happened to him in life. So thats what I would like for him to do. To stop avoiding. To understand what it takes to be in a relationship

[once removed]

experts will tell you that when a partner withholds sex and affection, the relationship is on a fast track to ending.

To understand what it takes to be in a relationship

i can appreciate how challenging these relationships can be.

i think one of the most important things to understand is that in these relationships, we are the emotional leaders. we model the sort of relationship that we want to have. we live our independent, and inter-dependent values.

one of the trickiest aspects of doing that is accepting our partners as they are. not necessarily liking it. but understanding that they are independent entities with choices. when we do that, remarkably, things are easier to work with. and quite often, our partners follow our lead.

He wants to come back when he is done being mad and wants something and acts like everything is fine. And I'm just supposed to go along with it. Meanwhile I try to talk to him and he just avoids.

what goes on when this happens? what do you say? what does he say?

[Theperfectsky]

Well after a fight he will do 1 of 2 things. He will either cut off communication and not talk to me at all. And if he does say something to me it's a name call or smartass comment. Just attitude. Or he will act like nothing at all happened. And I'll say hey we need to talk about what happened. And he will say something completely random to avoid the subject or he will say "theres nothing to talk about if you dont like it you can leave. Its that simple." And i say I dont want to leave but idk what to do when you wont talk to me about our problems. Things arent going well. And he says "youre just mad because you arent getting your way" and then at night he will try to have sex and I'll say no we cant just have sex and not talk about things. Sex isnt going to solve anything. He will say fine and push me away  

[Theperfectsky]

one of the trickiest aspects of doing that is accepting our partners as they are. not necessarily liking it. but understanding that they are independent entities with choices. when we do that, remarkably, things are easier to work with. and quite often, our partners follow our lead.

what goes on when this happens? what do you say? what does he say?

This is where I'm at.. ^^^^^ (post above) idk how to resolve because the only way is to go on like nothing happened like him. He will avoid convo about it at all costs. Idk what to say. Idk how to lead either in reference to what you said earlier in your reply