Feeling very guilty after this interaction with my BPD mother

[CathFoley]

I've always known something was wrong with the way my mother has treated me and my two sisters. Without going into a ton of detail in this first post, my mother meets 8/9 BPD criteria . I believe she is a high functioning BPD and only just discovered this diagnosis.  This behavior has also affected my mother's relationship with my father who has now filed for divorce.  After years and years of emotional abuse and manipulation from her I lack the normal emotional ties to her that a daughter usually feels. Many bridges were burned in the way of a healthy close mother-daughter relationship which she is now demanding from her three daughters.  The divorce has become very ugly on her end and she feels that we have taken our dad's side. This drama causes a long drawn out argument between my sisters, myself and her. In the end after repeatedly trying to set boundaries and limits with her refusing to acknowledge them, I told her the truth. That I don't feel close to her and hold a lot of resentment for the way we have been treated without ever getting  validation of our feeling. That I wasn't sure I could give her the close relationship she is hoping for. I have a lot of guilt regarding this because she is family and of all things my mom.  I feel an obligation to keep her happy. I'm hoping to get some outside perspective from others who are dealing with a family member with BPD or who have made the decision to cut ties with them.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  You are in a place where so many of us understand and have experienced similar.  I am glad you found us and I hop eyou do share more of your story as you settle in and read and jump into other threads.  We all support each other here.

What you describe sounds very difficult.  It is very hard when a parent demands and expects a close relationship when there is no foundation or a very unstable foundation there.  I get it. My mom wanted the same from me but I just could not go there with her.

Are you currently in contact with your mom?  How is your relationship with your father?

I have a lot of guilt regarding this because she is family and of all things my mom.  I feel an obligation to keep her happy. I'm hoping to get some outside perspective from others who are dealing with a family member with BPD or who have made the decision to cut ties with them.

Guilt is common and I think a natural response to a really difficult situation.  The thing is, it is not your job to be her emotional regulator.  Not now and not ever.  A lot of us find that much of the guilt we feel stems from the things we learned to do and manage while growing up.  Care taking becomes a part of who we are and a lot of times it is a coping mechanism we learned.  

Part of what we work on here is learning to detach emotionally (self-differentiation) while navigating our way to a new type of relationship status whether that be full contact, no contact or anything in between.  The things to remember is that it can be a tough process but it is worth it and things will get better.

Hope to hear more from you!

[CathFoley]

Thank you so much for your response! To  finally put a face to the demon (even if not officially diagnosed) has already felt like a major breakthrough . As of right now neither I or my sisters are in contact with my mother, or my grandmother who enables her behavior and responds with silent treatment anytime we are at odds with our mom. None of us know what comes next or how to move forward because of how "all-or-nothing" her attitude is. Our relationship with our dad has always been a good one. He never enabled her behavior but made it a point to distance himself from her by never being home. For me I know even when she was being nice and seemingly caring I would feel constantly tense and anxious around her so I can only imagine after so long he probably felt the same way. Following the announcement of the divorce I've actually seen my dad a lot more and feel closer to him.  I've talked to him about what I ended up telling her and he assured me that I need to think of myself and that it was the right thing to do. 

[Harri]

   Yep, having a label, even if it is not official or may not fit completely (like with my mom) it can give us a framework that we can work within.   It was such a relief to me and I felt a lot of the burden of responsibility lift when my T first told me about it.

It is okay to take time to figure out how you want to proceed.  None of this is easy so I am glad you have the support of your father and sisters during this time.  You also have us here too.  Don't underestimate the benefit of posting on a message board like this.  We focus not just on support but healing as well.   

I know things are difficult now and that is probably your primary concern.  I am wondering how things were for you growing up?  Your dad was often absent but what about your mother?  What sorts of things did she do?  Share if you want to.  We do care.

[Notwendy]

I feel similar to you. My parents didn't divorce and my (deceased) father enabled my BPD mother. Still, I felt a parental bond with him that I don't feel with my mother in due to the years of emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation. Yet, now that she is widowed she expects this mother daughter bond with me as well as my children who are polite to her, but are aware of her condition. ( which she does not seem aware of). Pretending mother is normal was the rule in our family growing up and we are not allowed to call her up on her behavior or question it.

I'm sure it bothers my mother that my children and I preferred my father. However, she doesn't seem to connect the idea that- to have a good relationship with your children, you shouldn't abuse them. I think it would help you to read about the Karpman drama triangle. When my mother is being abusive, she's in "victim" mode. ( she's usually in victim mode) and this, to her justifies her actions. Then, to her, she's not accountable for them, so she doesn't make this connection.

With this divorce, your mother likely feels like a victim. This has to be a tough time for all of you, even if your father wants this. ( and he has the right to make this choice ). I think the tools on this board will help you understand the situation. There's a lot of information here.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[CathFoley]

My most vivid memories come from high school and on. I think because that is the point in my life when I starting becoming more independent and able to make my own decisions which meant she had less control over me and began to rage more.

With my older sister (H) it began as early as middle school (6th grade). My mother always placed great emphasis on our outer appearance.  She wouldn't allow H to leave the house if she came downstairs without makeup on.  When my sister reached high school age this caused problems because H would prefer to not wear any makeup. This would result in our mom berating her and yelling, questioning why she wouldn't want to where makeup, all girls want to, it's not normal and you would look better. When H started dating her first boyfriend in high school our mom became VERY involved in the relationship.  She would question H anytime they weren't together, Why aren't y'all together, is something wrong? what did you do to make him mad? If she would hang out with her friends instead of him it would be "Well why don't you want to hang out with your boyfriend? that's weird, what's going on?" she would prefer her alienate her friends to be more dependent on him. In a very similar way to how she was with our father. 

When I started high school the makeup issue started with me. The only difference is I wouldn't cave in and she would leave before I left for school anyway so wouldn't see me get ready.  If I would hang out with my friend M (female) more than she liked, she would accuse us of being lesbian, that it was odd that we would want to hang out that much alone.  That or accuse us of doing thing like smoking weed. completely out of nowhere.

She worked hard and did a great job of keeping us from developing any sort of relationship with our father's side of the family.  All we ever heard growing up was what terrible people they were and were never allowed to visit them like we did her mother when she could never give actual examples of why we shouldn't see them. 

In high school  I was underweight, I weighed maybe 100 lbs and all I ever heard from her was how cute my shape was and how good I looked.  Things were great. My freshman year of college I moved about 3 hours away for college and like many people I gained about 10 lbs.  At this time when I would come home I would get very passive comments like "you look good but don't you think you'd look a little better 10 lbs lighter?" or "you've gained a little weight you know?" after time these comments started to get to me mentally. I was trying to lose the weight to please them but was also slowly becoming depressed and would binge eat.

 Every time I'd come home I was a little heavier, and the comments would get more and more cruel.  My grandma even joined in.  They would both send me novel long rants via text about how I clearly have a problem with weight, and why can't I just loose it.  over, and over, and over. again. over the summer while I was home from college I would come home from a run and be exhausted so would nap, my mom would burst in asking what was wrong with me I never do anything all day and scream some more.
 I came home from a run one night, I had dyed my hair and my mother didn't like it.  A screaming tantrum occurred and the last thing I remember her saying before I packed a bag and left for my sister's house was a hysterical cry of "what have you done to yourself, you were so beautiful".  This particular moment still makes me cry even being almost 10 years ago. I moved out of her house and in with my sister for the rest of the summer.  This didn't stop the long rants via text.  I tried to explain that I knew I needed to lose weight however, the depression was stemming from the constant reminder from her that I looked horrible but she wouldn't hear it.  (I was 136 lbs and convinced at this point that I was severely overweight)
I still have major body image issues from this. 

I moved back for school and felt so relieved to be away.  I came into town one weekend and stayed with my father's parents. she found out and raged.  I locked myself in a bedroom and she violently beat on the door while screaming really cruel and delusional things about his family.  At this point in time he came out of his bedroom, kicked her out of the house, I packed and left to go back to my apartment at school.  I rarely came home after this.

 My older sister was engaged and my mother had cut her out completely from the family because she didn't approve of her moving in with her fiance before the wedding.  They didn't speak for a year or so.  She wasn't even going to go to her wedding.  Last minute she decided she would and gave her some money to pay for her dress as an apology. 

Over all this time as well she developed an alcohol addiction.  any time she is drinking she is texting us long raging rants.  To my little sister (A) it's about her weight (she's not even over weight) siting how she has so much cellulite, or about her husband (why isn't he with you, that's weird).

Recently our mom bought A some paint so that her and her husband could paint a room in their house.  when our mom found out that A was not painting the room with him (he was at work) but instead had friends come over to help. she showed up to A's house, walked in, yelled and screamed about how she was supposed to paint the room with her husband, took the paint. and left.

 More recently during the divorce, she has concocted this theory that my dad has left her for his secretary.  This is not rooted in any evidence and as far as we know and according to our dad has no truth to it, she's done well to spread it all over town, many people that he works with have heard the rumor.  She found out I was having lunch with him one day before leaving town (I now live 4 hours away in another city) and locked me into the bathroom with her while she hysterically screamed red in the face that If i was going to see him for lunch that I was going to ask him about his affair with "that whore".  She also texted me while I was on my way that my proper response to my dad when he asked to have lunch would have been to say no, that it was too soon after everything to see him.  This is where the divorce drama and me having "chosen his side"started.

[Harri]

Thanks for sharing more of your story.     I am so sorry you and your sisters have to deal with all of this.

That is a lot very difficult and controlling behavior that you have been dealing with.  It also sounds like your mom has NO boundaries!  Ugh.

Notwendy shared the link to the Karpman drama triangle and I am glad she did.  Understanding that and how to stay out of the triangle or enter the winners triangle I think will help you a lot with the current situations.

Also, learning more about the disorder and the associated behaviors will help you depersonalize and then use some other tools we offer here to change the way you interact with her.  You can't change or control her but sometimes we respond in ways that are not good for us or that can make things worse rather than better and we can learn to stop doing things like that.

There is another tool called Don't JADE that you might find helpful.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defense explain.  When we do these things following accusations for example,the pwBPD can often escalate their behaviors.  So check it out along with the article on the drama triangle and we can talk about them.

Keep reading and posting and i hope you jump into other threads as that is the best way to learn and apply the things you learn.

[CathFoley]

Thank you so much!