Feeling angry toward my BPD son

[FaithHopeLove]

My son has been high as a kite and nasty as all get out for the last several days toward me and my husband. I have kept a cool head and not over reacted. But inside I feel angry at him for being so rude and hurt that he suffers and lots of grief over losing the child I once thought I had. Oh well. This is the roller coaster. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Even if it isnt better with DS I can and will still make it better for me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

Thanks for posting this, Faith, it came at a good time for me as I'm currently angry at DD25  Your words remind me that I am in control of whether or not I have a good day/life or a bad one.

I'm choosing, and striving daily for, the good life I deserve.

It's ok to be angry, healthy. It's what we do with that anger that matters. You brought your anger here, shared it with us, we understand, we're angry sometimes too  .

I don't think I've fully grieved the loss of the daughter I hoped to have. I still see her in there sometimes, then when I get complacent, a reminder hits me square in the face. Today it was the grocery store, of all things. I felt angry at how tense the trip was, and it continued through dinner and bedtime for GS. So I came here.

Thanks.

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi Faith

for being so rude and hurt that he suffers and lots of grief over losing the child I once thought I had

You’re dealing with somebody who is affected by mind altering drugs who is unable to think straight. Whatever his behaviours are - they aren’t him. This truth helped me.

There are reasons why he’s not coping and he prefers to blot out his pain. This is another little piece in the process Faith. He’s moved into his new place, do you think the reality of his situation now dawns on him?

This is where I would be blamed. Particularly if my son had not been fully in charge of making his own decisions for his life. I used to kind of set myself up for this in my “helping”.

Anger came first,  then my grief. We have to go through it sadly. Choosing how we approach our day really helps, it’s emotional detachment from their problems that seals it.

His problems are his responsibility. He’ll stumble, he’ll fall, maybe whine, he’ll be angry himself. When he realises that nobody will swoop in to sort his problems out he will have the opportunity to start growing himself and learning how to problem solve.

For what it’s worth Faith - I found bits of my young son again. Underneath it all. Focussing on the core relationship is the way.

So, looking at what today might bring you. I encourage you to take care of yourself, treat yourself gently and do something just for you. It’s possible to find happiness, despite the problems - even if it’s just a few minutes.

Hugs

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

OH It is so good to have friends like you to share with. I had a peaceful night with no nasty phone calls. We shall see what today will bring.

LP I think you are right about reality hitting him. His new apartment where he has a 2 year lease is expensive because he chose to have 2 bedrooms. Yesterday he was complaining about us not letting him move back in with us saying he can't pay his rent unless he keeps selling drugs which may or may not be true.

[FaithHopeLove]

So today he is back at our house bright and early. I ask what his plans are. He angrily replies "I guess I am going to sell drugs." So that is the latest narrative. We won't let him live with us (because he sells drugs) so he is forced to sell drugs to pay his rent so it is our fault. Let's see how many ways everything that happens is our fault and not the consequences of his own choices. This is exhausting and upsetting.

[Only Human]

Yes, it's exhausting and upsetting, Faith. Hang in there!

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi Faith

I’ve just been reading something a bit deep (not relevant here!) that talked about how we “bear” life while we try and work through a process.

I think the my “bearing” what was before me in my son’s continued drug use was unacceptable now that I look back. I chose to remain in a state of high anxiety in my need and desire for a different outcome. Acceptance that I cannot change him. It doesn’t matter where he lives, who he spends time with, whether he’s happy or unhappy. It’s part of who he is until he decides to change it.

When he sometimes admitted to his pain I used to say “it doesn’t have to be this way”. It was all I could say. If I even hinted at his drug use he’d clam up tightly resenting me. Conversation would end.

I’m suggesting to you that a change in mindset from choosing to “bear it” to choosing to gently let go and towards acceptance - you’ll find some relief.

In the meantime, while you explore acceptance you take good care of yourself. You deserve a life, you deserve some happiness. You can demonstrate to your son how to live a fulfilled life - he may decide to follow you.

My son now sees how strong I am, I expect nothing from him because I accept him as he is. Imperfect, somebody who struggles to cope with life. He’s becoming more resilient now.

What’s your thoughts Faith? How was your day?

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you for your wise words, LP. I am working on radical acceptance. Alanon is great for that. They teach letting go with love which I am usually pretty good at doing. It is just particularly hard this time because the nasty is coming after a period of us being pretty close. Maybe the closeness scared him. Who knows? I have to get on with my life and doing the things that bring me joy. Yesterday I did aquuacise at the Y and worked on some writing projects.(.getting ready to teach theology in Liberia this fall.)Today more of the same. Plus I play the harp. My music has been on hold due to eczema on my hands but it is getting better. So yeah. I have a life. Plus the mutual support of a great husband. I am still hurt and angry but I am also thankful for all the good that continues including the friendships with people like you I have found here.

[wendydarling]

Oh Faith 

It is just particularly hard this time because the nasty is coming after a period of us being pretty close. Maybe the closeness scared him. Who knows?

You did have a period of closeness, I remember DS calling you to see you were ok. What turned it round last time?

Hugs to you.
WDx

[FaithHopeLove]

I can't put my finger on any one thing that turned it around the last time. Maybe it is just a matter of time before things start to improve again. Meanwhile I pray and hurt for my son while getting on with my own life.