Naturally unreasonable

[Enabler]

So myself and the family are going away for the weekend to visit some family friends. The trip involves a short flight so usual hand luggage liquids shenanigan rules apply. The weekend is going to be tough for my W since she is deeply in the contempt zone and fights with a need to keep a social mask on showing the world how she treats me really nicely (polar opposite to the reality of when the friends aren’t there).

So... she’s the only one who has hold luggage booked in and I was hoping to pop in a bottle of deodorant and some aftershave rather than buy those diddy ones to get under the 100ml limit. Here’s how that conversation went:

Me - hey, is it just you that has hold luggage booked in?
W - yeah why?
Me - oh I was just wondering if I could put a bottle of deodorant and aftershave in the bag
W - oh no, my bag will be completely full... you’re coming back at a different time to me anyway and we booked flights separately...
Me - (head spinning with disbelief that she couldn’t be even the slightest bit reasonable about this and see that accommodating me even slightly might make massive practical sense... then quickly got my BPD brain in gear) Oh fine, I’ll sort myself out (realising that this was a dead end conversation headed straight for an argument)
W - you can just book your own hold luggage!
Me - (look straight ahead, say nothing and let the silence do the talking)

I’m glad that I saw the potential for an argument and took abrasive action. I’m less impressed with my response from the perspective that I was passive aggressive.

It got me thinking about all those times where I had the argument hoping that my W might see the smallest rational reason as to why being reasonable might make practical and financial sense. I made it clear that I was talking about a couple of small items but no, no movement at all, the bag was going to be full with her stuff and that was that... no compromise.

If I’d had continued the pursuit of reasonableness I’m pretty sure her feeling would have been complete bemusement as to why she had been ‘attacked’ for not accommodating me. Even now I suspect that is the outcome, we just didn’t go through the actual discussion bit of the conflict. I’m glad I didn’t waste my time with that bit, however it does leave me now having to source a workaround diddy deodorant... rise above... rose above.

Enabler

[Notwendy]

Well done Enabler.

Sometimes arguing over "reason" makes no sense- because you are arguing reason vs emotion. Whatever she's feeling is what makes sense to her, and your logic/reason doesn't. In addition, arguing for your reason can invalidate her feelings.

This doesn't mean you validate what isn't valid, but that you recognize when pushing your point isn't effective and can make things worse.

[Enabler]

I'd like to say that this is a new thing... but like the other traits it's been her instinctive reaction for the entire time I have known her.

It's like D9 asking D10 if she can use a top of hers... Instant reaction is THREAT THREAT THREAT ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK. Her instinctive reaction is 'fight or flight' "there's no way that can work".

Enabler

[Notwendy]

My H tends to oppose any idea I have- there's usually an instant negative response. I used to react to that, but now, I just let it go. Many times he comes back agreeing as if it is his idea. Sometimes his response is over the top, as if I have just attacked him by making a suggestion. Sometimes it's in conversation and out of the blue. It can be a hurtful comment ,but now, I have learned to not react to the initial response.

It's jarring, because I tend to be laissez fair about the small stuff. Want to put a few items in my suitcase? sure. Kid wants to borrow my shirt? sure. When I was in college and had room mates, if someone wanted something of mine in the fridge? sure, just replace it next time you are at the store. I didn't keep track of this '"small stuff".

But my H will bellow " who ate MY cheese?" if he sees some missing. We are a family. I have no idea who snacks on what and kids are always eating something. So my H has his own food, on his own shelves and I don't touch it. If I ask him to take out the trash, he will say no, and do it on his own time. I just take it out if he says no because I don't want it to smell up the kitchen.

I don't understand this kind of thinking, it's weird to me, but somehow I think he feels he's being treated unfairly and so has to do this. It's a sad perspective to have about people, isn't it?

[formflier]

Solid work not reacting!

FF

[Red5]

W - oh no, my bag will be completely full... you’re coming back at a different time to me anyway and we booked flights separately...

Me - (head spinning with disbelief that she couldn’t be even the slightest bit reasonable about this and see that accommodating me even slightly might make massive practical sense... then quickly got my BPD brain in gear) Oh fine, I’ll sort myself out (realizing that this was a dead end conversation headed straight for an argument)

W - you can just book your own hold luggage!

I would have said something like… (to borrow a Mick Dundee quote)… "No Worries Babe"… (and another from Gunnery Sergeant Highway)… "I'll improvise"... [overcome & adapt]… (and add devilish drop dead sexy smile here)…

Me - (look straight ahead, say nothing and let the silence do the talking)

… Red5, being the incorrigible smart @SS that he is… might add, afterwards… "dear, did you weigh your bag ?, if its too heavy, you won't be checking anything, they'll kick it to the side, and you'll have to stuff your "daisy dukes" into my helmet bag!… (and that's when the fight started )… humor is life's best antidote for ____ .

Hope all is well across the pond today Enabler : )

Red5

[Enabler]

Hello everybody peeps,

At the airport on my way home from a very relaxing long weekend with friends. They’re very neutral and Ws mask was very much firmly in place so as to avoid judgement.

I improvised and didn’t need her luggage space... the joys of being resourceful.

Lots of questions from the kids as to why I’m not at work for the rest of the week but have to go home earlier than them. Tears from the kids as they’ll miss fun Dad playing with them instead of being glued to FAcebook or guarding the Prosecco.

Enabler