How to diffuse wild accusations and mind reading?

[Hopeandjoy]

My partner makes up stories about my life and my past, tells me what my opinions and beliefs are, labels certain feelings bad and wrong and accuses me of having them. Several times a day he tries to provoke "bad" feelings out of me. He claims that I run around with other guys, I'm lying about my sexual orientation, I hate him. He accuses me of trying to control him and being high maintenance. I do check to see if there's a basis for his claims and try to validate whatever I can without agreeing to any lies.

I didn't realize what he was doing at first, I bought into some of it. My brother did this stuff growing up and I guess like most people my family taught me what to tolerate. At this point leaving isn't the best solution because I know I will get more of the same if i don't learn how to deal with this right now.

I would like to hear from other people who have dealt with this behavior, I already know what doesn't work so I would like to hear what I can do. And you're welcome to share your failures and successes

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Hopeandjoy, and

i think the first thing i would ask, is how do you currently react when he does these things?

also, about how often does it happen?

[Steps31]

Very familiar... I'd like to follow this thread as well

[Hopeandjoy]

i just joined so I'm not quite sure if this will post in the right spot...

When he accuses me of feelings, I started validating the feelings I sense in him, without being factual (leaving room for him to define his own feelings).

he said he does not like being questioned, so I used that to relate him to my experience next time he accused me.

I have ignored most of the provocations.

I stay aware of how I come across regarding other men.

When i sense he is struggling for power, i state that my goal is for both of us to be happy/win etc.

Right now it happens multiple times per day when we're together, which is only a couple times per month. There is still tension from the times I didn't handle it correctly. (i used to deny and defend).

[once removed]

be careful with over validating, or validating the invalid.

in general, validation is not really a tool to try to end a fight or dysregulation. its often easier to think in terms of "dont be invalidating", and to build a generally validating environment. but validation wont put out fires, so to speak. and sometimes, if we respond to someone picking a fight with us with validation, it can validate the invalid, or it can be seen as condescending, or a host of other things.

so it sounds like youre saying a lot of these accusations revolve around him accusing you of having feelings toward other men, do i have that right?

can you give us a sort of back and forth of a recent example?

[Hopeandjoy]

Thanks for this advice about validation, I think I needed to hear this.

For about a year straight he kept saying that I had other boyfriends, once every time I saw him. i responded to each statement one time and then stopped responding to it. He hasn't said it for a few months now.

He has decided that i am an emotional wreck from my past, claims its my past job or  something that happened when I was a baby. I did not want to watch a horror movie, and he said that's because of my past and i need to get over it. Then he said there's no way he can take me anywhere because if I can't handle a horror movie how can I handle the real world?

I felt hurt hearing this from him. I feel afraid that he is trying to force horror movies on me and i can't trust myself to stay firm. Since i was emotional I didn't say anything til the next day. Then i told him that the things he was saying about me, why I didn't want to watch the horror movie, just weren't true. and i told him that made me feel ashamed. And he did not say anything, just invited me to cuddle for a bit.

[once removed]

For about a year straight he kept saying that I had other boyfriends, once every time I saw him. i responded to each statement one time and then stopped responding to it. He hasn't said it for a few months now.

that tells you something. the lesson isnt necessarily "ignore him", i dont think, but it may mean dont give fuel to accusations.

big picture: people with BPD traits are generally insecure, and jealousy isnt uncommon either (i had a pretty jealous partner myself). it takes a lot of patience and finesse to deal with. the more consistent we are, and the more secure we are, the more they tend to feel in the relationship.

He has decided that i am an emotional wreck from my past, claims its my past job or  something that happened when I was a baby. I did not want to watch a horror movie, and he said that's because of my past and i need to get over it. Then he said there's no way he can take me anywhere because if I can't handle a horror movie how can I handle the real world?

I felt hurt hearing this from him. I feel afraid that he is trying to force horror movies on me and i can't trust myself to stay firm. Since i was emotional I didn't say anything til the next day. Then i told him that the things he was saying about me, why I didn't want to watch the horror movie, just weren't true. and i told him that made me feel ashamed. And he did not say anything, just invited me to cuddle for a bit.

is it possible he felt rejected? is it a favorite movie of his? people with BPD traits tend to up the ante when they feel rejected.

regardless, youre certainly entitled to not want to watch a given movie. it sounds like you waited for a time of calm (good) and communicated your feelings, and he was receptive.

[Hopeandjoy]

This nails it

Yes, very insecure body language and jealous. He hates to go out, he won't let me dance and if I talk to girls he will ask me what we talked about and if I like them. He worries about me being lesbian. I don't yell at him for asking, but I will give a dry, short answer and it works.

Yes, he does seem to feel rejected as a person if we don't share a viewpoint or TV show.
That's when he attacks me and makes it a problem from my past. I don't dis his stuff but I don't pretend either.

The jealousy and rejection is hard for me to deal with, because he tries to provoke me into feeling the same. It's difficult to trust when he purposely rejects me and pretends he is into someone else. That game has affected me. He told me that if he is nice to me I will just keep demanding more, and he told me that if is reassuring to me I will just keep needing more. Idk where this logic comes from. I just told him that if he was caring our relationship would have more security, and that seemed to help.

[once removed]

Yes, he does seem to feel rejected as a person if we don't share a viewpoint or TV show.

its embarrassing, but i can relate to this a bit. a person with BPD traits, inherently sensitive to rejection or criticism, would have a difficult time separating the idea that disagreeing or disinterest in a hobby/activity is not a rejection of them as a person, especially in the moment. you arent obligated to do any of that, but i think that it helps to know, and to keep in mind as a way to show love/make him feel loved. we all feel loved when our lover shares in our interests. it can bring us closer.

That's when he attacks me and makes it a problem from my past. I don't dis his stuff but I don't pretend either.

that sounds like it might be a go to defense mechanism against feelings of rejection. "it isnt me, its her".

The jealousy and rejection is hard for me to deal with, because he tries to provoke me into feeling the same. It's difficult to trust when he purposely rejects me and pretends he is into someone else. That game has affected me.

our partners will double tend to double down on things that "work". it may be that provoking that reaction indicates attachment, which comforts him on some level, even though its a dysfunctional way of meeting his needs. the trick, generally speaking, is not letting it "work", possibly (in a time of calm) letting him know how it makes you feel and explaining that not only does it not achieve the desired result, but that there are better ways, and then positively reinforcing those better ways. for example, if its your attention/affection he wants, there are better ways to get it than to try to make you jealous.

He told me that if he is nice to me I will just keep demanding more, and he told me that if is reassuring to me I will just keep needing more. Idk where this logic comes from. I just told him that if he was caring our relationship would have more security, and that seemed to help.

it comes from insecurity and a world view. you wont necessarily change the world view, but you can incentivize a different attitude and approach from him. what you said in response was a good example.

[Hopeandjoy]

thanks for your advice!

I can relate to that as well. Sharing an interest is a great way to connect for me as well. Reacting makes the jealousy game worse, its very unhealthy so I want it to stop. What you suggested, I can see that working.