After-action report…
So uBPDw texts me and says she has ‘bean-bags’ for the corn hole board, she comes by the house and drops them off, we talked, it got a little tense, some projection, some blame, and she left.
Then she calls me up about two hours later, and wants to have lunch, I agree.
This is only the second time I’ve seen her in person since 1 December.
I’ve been working in the yard, so I shower and change, and leave early, don’t want to be late… (BPD).
I arrive at the Mexican joint, I’m about ten minute early, don’t want to be late (BPD).
I wait… and then I get out of my jeep, and walk up to the front door, and wait… she pulls in, she sits in her jeep, she’s is on the phone, this continues to ten past twelve (our date)… then she opens the hatch, and gets out, and there is a large box in the back, she’s taking pictures of a bar code tag… she then gets back into her jeep… this process repeats about four times!
So I finally get up the nerve to walk over, thinking she hasn’t seen me, I approach from the front, so as to not startle her (BPD)… I tap in the window, she looks up, and gives me the inboard index ring finger wait one sign?
I say ok to myself, and walk back up to the door of the restaurant… and wait, now its twenty past… then she opens her door, and says “help me”… I go back over, she has this microwave she has bought, in the back, she says its damaged, and she is trying to set up a return (?)… can’t figure out how to text a picture she has taken of the bar code tag… I help her, she closes the door again (engine is running)…
Finally, she is done, it’s now a full thirty minutes past twelve… she gets out, and apologizes, and starts telling me how the box store, and ‘samsung’ are terrible people… dented microwave, special order, on sale… no customer service… on and on and on… I just listen, and say “no worries”.
We go inside, and are seated… we order two beers, she looks like she may blow away, she’s lost so much weight… then she goes into a story about patio furniture, a birthday present (early) from her two adult children, that was miss delivered, and was the wrong order, to her house… and how the truck driver wouldn’t move it to the back of the house… her mum was there (MIL)… she says mum and her ganged up on the truck driver, and “shamed him” (exact words)… then it turned out it was the wrong table, so they made him load it back up, and haul it away… she said she called the store and complained… (BPD).
I just listen, and ‘observe, not absorb’… and “AHA”… aware – halt – adjust… Being very careful about anything I think I might say, and I am monitoring my facial expressions, and mannerisms (BPD).
The food arrives, so we start eating (after saying grace)… she now starts into small talk…
She tells me about her sisters, her mum, her new neighbors… her dog, and then her medical status…
I just continue to listen,
Then its starts to turn, I can “feel it”… I mentally reach for my tool bag,
She starts telling me she feels broken, her first marriage, our marriage, her cancer… her friends (former work colleagues) who never call or visit… I push the ball back up… “how are Ginny, and Jerimiah” (her two kids/alternate names)… she says “they are fine, and doing well”… but that they won’t be coming for her birthday… then she starts talking about her house… going to pull up the carpet, and lay wood flooring, and new paint… etc’etc’ ~>
She starts to descend again… actually trying to bait me… “have you finished the projects we started in “your” house… what have you been doing”… I say that I’ve been working on it some, but its not finished, She comes after me… “you know that was important to me, it just tells me that you don’t really care about my feelings”…
I search for anything to ‘validate’… I say… “your right, I’ve been unsupportive, and I apologize, I should have all that stuff finished by now, I am working on it, it’s just slow going, as I’m pretty busy with work and S32a”… “but I’ll get there” (I smiled)… she did not,
Then she asked me how I am “really doing”… I thought for a second… (BPD-trap?)… and then I responded, “I’m ok, I’m depressed though, I miss you, I struggle daily with what happened, I replay it over and over… I miss you very much, I really messed things up, and I am so sorry “Q”, I love you very much, and I would do whatever I could to try and make things work between us”… she says “I miss you too”…
She says, “how is the therapy going”, are you still going”… what does he say” (Major Tom)… I responded, “it’s going well, I continue to work on my mindfulness, I am learning new tools to handle the daily things… I am learning so much about myself, this ‘cognitive ability, and dialectic tools’… It’s really helping in how I relate to others, and the way I respond and act in a stressful, or emotional situation”…
She repeated… “well, what does he say… about you and me”… I responded, “he says I’m codependent”… “do you know what that means “Q”?… She responds… “You’re codependent for your ex-wife, NOT me Red!”… I didn’t bite the bait…
I just said, “well I’m working on things… its tough, I want us to be ok, and to be able to make it in this marriage”…
She starts in on me again… (an hour and a half has passed)… she starts talking about her cancer diagnoses… and that her oncologist has taken her off her treatments… that tuned into, “I’m actually feeling peaceful now”… (she said)… “stress is not good for me, I can’t go back to “your” house, I can’t be around your Son, I don’t want him to touch me… he outweighs me by eighty pounds now… you did not defend me from him, he attacked me… you do not hold him accountable, or punish him when he does something wrong”… I just listened, and by now it was starting to hurt…
Waiter shows up, this breaks that line of talk with her… so I use it as a chance to steer her back ^up^… I say to her… “I’m listening “Q”, your feelings are important to me… I want to make things better, and I want to stop making them worse… I don’t want to “walk on eggshells” anymore around you, I don’t want you to feel stressed around me or “J” anymore either… I want to try to create a safe home environment for you one day, one that you could accept… if you do chose to comeback home one day”… “I’m trying “Q”… “I’m trying very hard to listen, and to understand you, and what you are going through, and my part in it, so that I can correct it, correct things that I broke”…
She said… “I just feel broken Red”… “I do love you Red, but you are toxic to me right now”…
She went onto say, that she never did call the Pastor back, and that the time they did speak, that “he didn’t help me very much”… and that she wanted to start going back to the eight o’clock service, but she never did… and wasn’t going to ; (
I paid the bill, and gathered my plate, and reflected for a moment on what she is saying… I looked into her beautiful brown eyes, and all I saw was pain and worry staring back ; (
She looks so frail, and weak… my heart started to race… and said… “I love you to “Q”… and I am here if you ever need me… for anything, I mean that”…
So she stared back at me… and said, “sorry lunch was not very nice”, I need to go now”…
I responded, “well it doesn’t have to end on a bad note”…
We got up to leave, I walked her to her jeep, and she paused before she opened her door, I reached out for a hug, she gave me one… a little one, a “guarded one”…
I dropped my guard, and I released the boy who lives inside of Red5… and I said to her… “listen bone head, you are an extremely hard headed woman, you are a very beautiful woman… and you are a total pain in my
$$, you are a very difficult person… but I love you… YOU drive me absolutely crazy… yes, with the heat of thousand suns I love you "Q"… and YOU ain’t NEVER going to change that”… “it was great to see you, and I hope to see even more of you”, “good luck with that dented microwave you got there, and try not to be too hard on them ole’ boys down at the “Lew’s”… ”and call me if you ever need anything, I won’t be far away”…
She got in her jeep, and said bye, and drove away…
Later that day (Friday)… I’m at home, phone rings, it’s her again…
She says to me… “I’m sorry Red that our lunch date did not go so well, and that we argued yet again, but I figured we need to start somewhere”…
I responded, “no worries “Q”, it’s always good to see you, and I don’t think we argued at all, I think we had an honest and passionate conversation, both of us have a lot of grief towards the other… and I am glad we are talking again”…
She then went on to tell me how the store manager at “Lew’s” didn’t see things eye to eye with her, over that microwave, the sale, and the money she had spent (BPD) .. but he did give her ninety dollars back on the presale price… “that’s good I said, once “Risqué” (uBPDw’s BIL) helps you mount it, you probably won’t even see that little dent”…
She said, “you’re probably right, and I just wanted to call you back and say I was sorry for arguing with you at lunch”…
I told her… “take care now, call me if you need anything, don’t overdo it now… I love you “Q”… bye bye now”… And that was it…
Next day (Saturday)…
Its late in the evening, been digging at the stumps in the yard all day… I’ve set a huge fire in the fire pit… I am sitting on the shed porch with the two stray cats… phone rings…
It’s her again!… I am thinking wow, lots of communication in twenty-four hours, after nothing for over three weeks now…
‘Hello’… “I need help” she says… “can you come over here after S32a goes to bed”… “I need help getting this toilet away from the wall, so I can paint behind it”… ”it’s stuck, rusty screw’s… I’m not strong enough”…
“Sure!, “I will pack a tool bag, and I’ll be over in about an hour and a half… whets the new address again”… she gives me the new address… and says “thank you, I’ll leave the front porch light on for you”… “Bye Bye”,
Now, what she doesn’t know is this… my Son has been spending spring break with his mother… he’s been gone for a week now, and he comes back home next weekend… if I’d have told her this (BPD)… it would have set her off, any interaction I have with ‘ex’ in regards to S32a, sets her off, HUGE trigger… so I am not about to tell her that at this time… hmmm ; (
I roll, and arrive at her new place at a little before ten pm…
She meets me at the door, and lets me in… it’s a very nice place, and it’s strange to see all “our” furniture in a new and strange place… I say, “so where is the toilet”… she says “right this way down the hall, and thank you Red”… “do you need any help, can I hold anything for you, do you need anything”… I say “nope, I should be fine”… I say “why don’t you let the puppy out, she ain’t going to hurt nothing”… she says “she is a terror”… and lets her out, a nine month old yorkie : )
{Red loves puppys!}
So I get the toilet tank off, most rikki tik!… with the puppy’s help of course…
She comes into the bathroom, and says “what do you think of the color?”… I say, “its blue, sky blue”… she says, “well it’s the WRONG color, and NOT what I ordered (more BPD)… and I can’t take it back, you take it”, and she produces a full can of paint… and say’s… “it’s the same color as S32a’s bedroom, so you take it ok”… I say “good to go, and thank you”…
She says, “thanks again, I just couldn’t get that rusty bolt, how did you get it off”, I held up a pair of vice grips, and my super-sized straight slot… she gave me one of those very rare “approval” looks of hers… and said… “would you like a beer, or a glass of wine or something”… I said “sure, a beer sounds good”… and I picked up the tool bag, and the can of paint and headed to the entryway, and sat them down.
She invited me into the living room, and gave me a beer… and she sat down across from me… and “small talk commenced”… as her new yorkie ran back and forth chasing her little ball as fast as I could throw it…
I asked for the “five-dollar tour”… she obliged… “why haven’t you sat up your bed yet”, “because I am going to remove all this carpet, and lay hardwood floors… “Ok”… “it’s a very nice house “Q”… I like all the colors in here”… “it’s too dark, I’m going to repaint it all”… “cool” I said… back to the couch, more “conversation”…
We talked about the base, and all the rumors about new squadrons coming one day (F-35B)… and how that may affect home prices, or rental prices… and she says… “this house would be very nice for a young family with children, and a small dog one day, after I get the chain link fence put up”… hmmm?
“How is work?” she asked… “what were you doing in New York?”… I explained in “short hand”… because I know that she doesn’t want the long version (BPD)… “work is very busy… it’s the third qtr of the fiscal year”… “lots going on, staying busy”…
“Chrill and Viqtour (Foo sis and BIL) bought a new camper, a thirty footer”… “wow” I said… “we should buy a camper one of these days”… then she say’s “I thought you said that you weren’t going on any more trips with me” (trap)… “you said you couldn’t travel with me anymore”… [ I did say this last year… and for good reasons –BPD- ]… I responded, “that was then, this is now, things are different now, or at least I’m hoping they will be between us one day”…
Then she went right into politics, as we have a special election here in this area to replace Congressman Jones who passed away recently… “who do you think we should vote for” she said… “I’ve no real clue, as I’ve given up on the news lately”… “but I need to look into it, I like the female pediatrician who is running”… she said… “I’m probably not going to vote; I’ll wait till they thin out until the general election”… “want another beer Red”… [ Red thinks to himself, beer #2, maybe “truth serum” careful there hot rod ]…
The next beer arrives, and the puppy goes outside… then she tells me about her neighbors, and how her mum (MIL) has her other BIL, Risqué, oldest Foo sis’s H… is over at mums house doing a full remodel… as mums a widower #2 now… and has come into a quite a bit of sustainment $… then she brings up our “my” house again… (trap 2nd beer)… I say… “whatever you don’t like, I can red-do for you” (I smiled)…
She did not (smile)…
Running out of things to talk about now… its getting late, she says she needs to go to bed… and I need to get back home.
I get up to leave, I stop and turnaround, and I ask for a hug, she hugs me, deeply this time… I tell her I love her, she does not respond, I ask for a little kiss, she says “no… good night, and thank you”… then she hands me a bag of seeds that grow wild flowers, and says she doesn’t want this, and to take it… I pick up the tool bag, the can of paint, and the bag of seeds, and she shows me out the door…
And that was it,
Hmmm, that’s a lot of interaction over two days… the most ever since she moved out… what am I to think, any thoughts here… or is it just what it seems, she needed a man to come and remove the toilet tank?
I think I did ok, I didn't fight back when baited (JADE)… she is who she is…
I ruminate… Sorry for such a long post…
Thanks for listening, ok; back to work now!
Red5
