36 year old daughter threatening suicide

[mjr]

Not sure where to start.  My 36 year old daughter has always been difficult and argumentative.   She has been in therapy on and off since 1st grade.  I was completely unaware she had a mental disorder until I was reading about BPD last year.  I asked her to go to a physchiatrist for a diagnosis, which she did and was given this diagnosis. He told her about DBP therapy and refuses to go.  I have mailed her so many books on the subject - even workbooks which she won't read or do.
 Since her HS graduation, she has been engaged three times, been fired from most all her jobs(which I could not even begin to count), has moved too many times to count, has had numerous best friends who proceed to cut her off completely because they cannot handle her drama. 
Her father and I divorced when she was 8 years old.  But she was never abused or neglected by either of us. I did work two jobs, so she was maybe neglected somewhat but I had to pay the bills.   She blames me for all her problems - because I divorced her dad and never had any other children.  We did argue a lot when she was younger - but she was just so argumentative about everything with me.  I feel like I could not discipline her because everything I said she argued with me about.  I hate to admit it but was glad when she moved out.  Finally some peace!
She lived with my mother (her gm) for the last five years. Last year my mother had to be put in assisted living she was told her had to move out by my siblings.  She just turned into a nasty mean person at everybody at this point.  She fell into a deeper depression and threatened suicide.  She was not making enough to support herself, so I had to break down and buy her a mobile home - which she can afford the rent.
I went over to help her unpack and get organized.  We had a pretty good day until I asked her about her friend Jamie.  She told me that Jamie was just a bitch and I simply said "no I didn't think she was"  My daughter went off into a rage at me (like she has done so many times).  She said I never take her side with friends or relationships.  I bit my tongue because she is always the person who adds such drama to every relationship that they walk away from her.  I have always had to walk on eggshells.
Last week I received an eight page letter from her stating she got fired from her job because she is so depressed that she cannot control her mouth.  She said she was tired of lying to me about it.  She stated that she lies to me about most things because she knows I don't approve.  She said she does not want to get out of bed and that she is totally alone now.  She said have you ever been alone with not one person who cares?  I have always loved her.  I tell her that everyday since she was little.  I text her a couple of times per week telling her I love her.  Anyway, the letter indicated she writes suicide notes everyday.  She wants to get in her car and crash into a wall.  I have been crying since I received this letter.  I have tried to call, but she won't answer the phone.  I called the suicide prevention hotline and asked them to call her.  They would not tell me if they talked to her or not (HIPPA privacy).  I know she did talk to my mother yesterday, so at least I know she is alive.
So today is mothers day with my heart breaking.  No cards, calls or even texts.  I know I am rambling - sorry this is so long, but actually there is a lot more about her problems.  I just don't know what to do.  How can a mother sit back and wonder if her child is going to kill herself today?

I am just so sad and helpless

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mirsa]

Hi MJR,

I just finished typing a reply to another person who is also worried about an adult child threatening suicide.  You are certainly not alone with this worry and fear and the anxiety it provokes.  I think if you read some of those types of posts, you will hear an awful lot of folks who are struggling to cope with these feelings and others who figured out an approach that works for them.    There is no shortcut to peace, no perfect answers...just a lot of sad parents here, all listening, supporting each other, and sharing stories.

I'll respond to just one part of your post, if I may:  the love part.  I definitely loved my daughter whole-heartedly and 100% for her entire life.  I made sure she knew it too.  But, when she moved out six months ago, she told her sister that after she moved out (in a fit of pique), she was extremely upset that I hadn't told her I love and miss her for a few weeks!  She used that as a reason to cut off communication with me (insert eye roll here...talk about a manufactured excuse!).  So, I learned:  love is not enough and for a BPD, there is never enough love.  She will be dramatic no matter what.   As you can see from the failed friendships and lost jobs, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.   She is a 36-yo woman, and as such, she is responsible for her own life, happiness and success.  As parents of adult children, we can be supports, but not responsible.

I've chosen to 'detach with love.'   Others are great about sharing resources here, readings, and links to good threads.  I'll rely on their expertise and knowledge, but hope that this quick hug and response helps a little bit.

Hugs to you.

[Huat]

Welcome MJR, welcome!

So glad you have already heard from Mirsa.  I really do like her "no nonsense" approach.  Her comment..."As parents of adult children, we can be supports but NOT responsible"...right on!   Work hard, MJR, in not buying into any guilt trips from your daughter.  Guilt stops you in your tracks.

As you are a Newbie, I want to point out one of the tools on this website.  Once you are logged in,  you can click on anyone's name and look back on their history of posts.  It can be very encouraging to see how far some have come from their first tearful posts.

I am one of the older Moms participating on/in this forum.  I shake my head when I think back to how long it took me to get a grip on the troubled relationship I have shared with my daughter.  In my defense, little/no information/resources was available to me back in the 80's.  The first book I was told about and then read was "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  I wept cover-to-cover because what I was reading described my daughter's behaviour almost to a "T."

You write about receiving an 8-page letter from your daughter.  My daughter is now 52 and she started sending me hurtful, hurtful letters (now e--mails) when she was just 14.  The letters would range in length from maybe 3 pages...to many, many more.   Now it is emails in which I have to scroll down and down to get to the end.  Mind you, that is if I am masochist enough to start the scrolling.  A simple..."I hate you"...would be enough to get her point across.

I recommend that you check out a technique (for want of a better word) called "JADE."  The meaning...in dealing with these difficult people in our lives, one shouldn't...Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain.  Once I did this with my daughter, it took the wind out of her sails.  She needed fuel from me...she didn't get it.

Yep, Mothers' Day today.  As I wrote in previous posts, since my daughter turned 13, my Mothers' Days were either days of celebration...or...non-starters.   Today was one of the non-starters.  No surprise because we have been estranged this time for about 2 years...but...no expectations on my part, either, that a miracle was going to happen.  What a difference that can make when one has no expectations.  Go with the flow.

You share that your daughter has used the word "suicide" in her communication with you.  My heart goes out to you!  That is a word one never wants to hear from anyone...especially one's child.

MJR, you have done (and will continue to do) all in your power to help her past these thoughts.  As Mirsa wrote...all we can do is support these trouble children of ours...and you are doing that.

Hope you stick with us, MJR.  Hope you keep sharing.  You are not alone!

((HUGS)  ...from one Mom to another.

Huat

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello MJR
I join the others in welcoming you and assuring you that you are in the right place for help and support. You did not cause this and you can't fix it but things can get better. My 24 yr old BPD son also does a lot of blaming. Usually I just affirm the feeling ("I am sorry you feel that way.") and keep it moving. Knowing this is his way of coping with his own emotions keeps me from taking it personally. It still hurts. Mother's day basically sucked for me too. But it's over. Now back to the day to day work of loving these difficult and hurting people. No matter how much they hate us (or think they do) they still need us.My only advice is to take care of yourself as you learn all you can. Posting here is a great first step in self care. Have you considered also going to therapy? Lots of us, myself included, find it helps
 So does posting here. I hope you stay.