Detaching from a relationship with a BPD

[sunfire]

I think I could use some advice please. I was married and had a son who is now 10. I met S and I didn't want my son to experience another horrible situation. I don't really know what I need but I do know I am going round in circles. I met S online. He has a really good job and took me to loads of really expensive dinners and concerts. He was the perfect gentleman. He told me a story of woe about his ex wife and how he would cry all the time about not seeing his son all the time. I fell totally in love with him without any reserve. I just gave myself to him. The sex was amazing and we went away for the weekend with our kids and together. There were signs that I ignored, that he didn't have any real friends, just work colleagues. When we first met he told me he didn't drink much and he ex was a party person but when he went out with work he was clearly very drunk. Also I love the theatre and he said he did too but I noticed him yawning and looking at his watch every time we went! He told me all the time I was stunning and amazing. He told me he loved me after 2 months after he decided that I couldn't meet my son even though he had asked to meet mine. It felt a but manipulative telling me that. But the rest of it was so good, I just went along with it and fell hook line and sinker. He told me he wanted to marry me after 4 months. He also told me he had asked his ex wife to get married after 4 months also. I saw that he was quite reckless with money and told him he would have to sort that out before I could marry him. Anyway fast forward 2 years and all sorts of things happened...he started saying he didn't want to move in with me after all. We went on holiday and his son had behaviour issues. I was ill and he wouldn't stop squirting me with a water pistol. I asked him calmly to get out of the pool and S went mad when he cried, saying he couldn't believe I had upset him. His face went black with anger and said he thought I should find a hotel. It was a ridiculous over reaction. He later changed his mind. A few weeks after we went to a concert, had a great time and told me we should now move in with each other and he had never loved anyone else like did me and never felt as loved unconditionally. A few weeks later, I fell pregnant on the pill which was a shock to me. I was totally disorientated and upset. He changed overnight and treated me like a one night stand. He insisted I had an abortion. He was as cold as ice. I was distraught that he would treat me like this. 2 weeks later he told me he had fallen in love with an ex from work. I decided to have the baby anyway as I was 39 and I wanted him. I had a scan and the baby had a 1 in 3 risk of Downs. S told me he hoped he would have Downs so then I would be more likely to have an abortion. He said I would have to give birth to a dead child and thatcsounds be okay. After 2 months S decided he wanted to build a life with me. He told me the woman at work was really his exwife not a woman at work and it was over. He said we wouldn't move in as he needed to keep his flat near his other son which was 2 hours drive but he would be shared between our places. He wouldn't tell me he loved me but we were sleeping with each other and buying things for the baby. It felt really off but I tried so hard to get past this. We decorated the spare room etc. As the birth drew close he became cold again. In labour he shouted at me and ruined the nice calm hypno birth I had planned. He asked me if I wanted water and when in agony I couldn't reply he ignored me for the rest of it. I realise this is a narcissistic lack of empathy. When our baby was born S had said he would stay with me for the first 2 weeks but shortened it. I was too embarrassed to admit how rubbish he was to my friends so felt isolated. He said after 5 days that I should have had an abortion and cried that he was alive. Over the next few months we were still sleeping together and he was with me but very moody and miserable. Discussed about giving me any money even though someone else was doing my job for a year and my maternity pay was due to run out. About 6 months later he called me crying and drunk and said he didn't want to but he would have to leave me soon. I was distraught again. Anyway he admitted over a few months that he had met someone else and that she was pregnant. He said it had only been going on for 2 months. He changed his mind again, tild me he loved me, gave me her phone number and told me it was over with her. The phone number turned out to be one he had bought. It wasnt hers. One day I drove to his place (I hadn't been there with the baby as he cried in the car and it was 2 hours drive away). The baby stayed asleep in the car and I just drove. A woman answered the door. I asked her whi she was and she said she was his wife and tild me her real name. S came running down the stairs shouting You knew I was married! Liar! To me. I was involved in a car accident a while after and was badly injured. He again came back and said he had made the biggest mistake of his life! I found out from googling her name plus his that it was the woman at work he had first told me about.
  Anyway he came round crying and begging for me to take him back saying he had been with her to punish me for not doing what he wanted. But then she had got pregnant and he had had to marry her because all his work colleagues would hate him. He has been in the same job for 18 years. Anyway he hatched a plan to leave her. He called about 8 times a day distraught and terrified of losing me. He was told he was going to have a massive pay cut and he was distraught. He thought he might have to go and work in Dubai and asked me to go with him. I couldn't as I have my other son here and he has a great relationship with his dad here. Anyway he was getting closer to the time when said he would leave her and he started saying he would kill himself then putting the phone down.I was distraught so I called his mother and told her all about it. I was terrified he would kill himself and I would be the last person who spoke to him. Anyway his mum called me a week later and called me 'evil.' She screamed that I should have had an abortion over and over at me. I feel with a lot of difficult people in my job on the phone and I had a massive realisation that she was mentally ill. I put pieces together and realised she had lied to me in my house about them getting married and her being pregnant. I called S distraught again again. Before he had apologised profusely for all the abortion comments. He wouldn't defend our son against these comments. He asked me how I had upset his mum! This woman had gone off with a man with a pregnant girlfriend but his mum thoughts was an 'angel.' Now I realise I was the victim of a smear campaign and had been lied about. Anyway I cut him off that day. I couldn't have him treating our son like that. By the way some days he was so excited to see our son that he held him over a banister like Michael Jackson. His mum had referred him to a psychiatrist as he appeared to have lost touch with reality and he has been diagnosed as BPD and is seeing a psychiatrist every week. He told me once his mum had decided he had to stay with her, he did.

This has been a year ago. I had a relatively normal childhood. My dad is a bit volatile and shouts a lot about nothing and I think my sister is narcissistic as she goes crazy over nothing. I realised my mum is very self focussed. I have read for hours and hours and hours. I have looked at my childhood to work out why I put up with all this. I didn't crealise that this was emotional abuse until afterwards. I blamed myself. I feel a lot of anger about this. I am scared of his diagnosis and feel he could hurt our son especially as he has been painted black numerous times. How do I get past feeling tenderly towards him and angry. Should I allow our son to be in a potentially toxic environment? How do I stop finding out even more about BPD...I am stuck

[WindofChange]

Hi. Sounds like you've been through a terrible ordeal with S. I'm so sorry for all the pain you've been dealing with. I would ask first, do you have a therapist? It may help you to deal with all of your conflicting emotions to talk them out with a professional. Many of us on here are in therapy and find it very helpful. Second, has he ever harmed your son? It sounds scary that he held him over a banister as you described. I'm not sure if he would be safe or not. I wish I knew the best place to refer you to make that determination.  Again, a therapist could be really helpful for you to process your feelings and to discuss your son's safety.
Do you have a support system -- family, friends? You need people to support you through all of this as well. How often do you see S? How often does he see his son, if at all?
Keep posting. Hang in there. There are many supportive people on this site.

[JNChell]

Hello. You are suffering from narcissistic abuse. I’m not a professional, but I encourage you to research the subject. It will help you find your footing and center yourself on what you’re going through.

I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced what you have. This person sounds very unstable and dangerous. Can you elaborate more on how he held your son over a banister?

An important thing that you should be doing for yourself is self care. What things can you be doing for yourself that make you feel better? Try to make list and try to accomplish it. Also, continue posting here. You’ve found a very safe community of people that “get it”. Give an update when you can.

[sunfire]

Hi there, I've no idea if I'm relying in the right part. Thank you for replying. It made me cry to know I'm not alone. I am well educated, have a good job, have lots of good friends but I feel so alone as No one I know has heard of this...if I try and talk about it, I think they think I should get over this...In a way I am over it. I'm together. I look after myself well, exercise, do things I enjoy etc. When all this first happened I didn't function for a while but pulled myself together...am not a depressive sort. Yes the name is an alias.

When he held my son over a banister at a soft play place, he was full of joy in an over the top Willy Wonka kind of a way.  I think the sort of BPD joy meant he forgot to think about safety. We went to a castle with a windy turret and he held Son as a small baby ad at the bottle told me he had taken a lot if valium pills. I said the stuff about being educated as I am ashamed that I am anything to do with someone who behaves like this as I am very sensible. Excuse an the typos please m...it's no mean feat looking after a 2 year old doing this! Anyway I was scared I am a narcissist so took a test and it came out that I have a normal personality so it's not that. He did some strange behaviour with his eldest son, like talking to him like an adult and asking him to make all the decisions when we were on holiday before. (BPD role reversal) I didn't know about all this stuff. Anyway I have read in Psychology Today that there is usually a golden child (the eldest) and one painted black (most prob our son). Apparently the son who is seen as all bad fares the worst in the future if he has contact and has a much higher risk of suicide ideation before the age of 10 and major depressive illness as an adult. Luckily he is a very even tempered boy and he is much loved by my son and I.

I know I need a therapist. I've been putting it off as I have zero free time...but I should look into it. I would appreciate any help I can get on here. I was thinking in time I should set up some supervised contact with him for our son but I am scared for him. When his new baby with the new woman was born, he told me he wished the baby would die also. He is a very messed up individual. He us having DBT. I don't know what it is but I can't imagine it could change him into a person who stops thinking and verbalising such vile things. Also his mother must have something similar as she said the same thing.

[JNChell]

Hello

A good cry always helps. Yes, you’ve found a community of people that get it. You just hit the lottery, but your account balance didn’t rise.  

It’s hard to talk about this stuff to people that don’t understand. They’ve never been through it and have no way of knowing. I’m sure that they’re giving the best advice that they’re capable of giving. They care about you, they simply can’t understand. Does that make sense?

Your exes comments over the baby are concerning. I mean, let’s be blunt, that’s a   up thing to say. He forgets about safety and wishes an unborn infant to die. Do you think that these are important things to look at and base decisions on?

[sunfire]

Hi there, thanks for your reply. I asked him to get a psychiatric report on whether his parenting is safe and he refused. I also suggested he went on a parenting course for people with BPD but again he refused. I did ask him if he wanted to see our son every Saturday morning but he said it was inconvenient (Before the diagnosis). I think instinctively I know that hearing your parents say it would've been better if you weren't born is enough to mess up your head. I am not sure if he or his mother know the difference between normal behaviour towards a child or abusive behaviour. I think normal people would never say that. Most would feel awful for thinking it. When they were at my house, it was strange to watch as the baby was crying hysterically and they carried on talking and didn't make any attempt to attend to his needs e.g. give affection, see if his nappy needed changing. In the light of what I know about his diagnosis, a lot of the bizarre things I saw fell into place. He is doing DBT but I wonder how that would help or if it would anyway. The other thing is, his behaviour also fits with narcissistic personality disorder (My opinion not diagnosed). There was a lot of entitlement (for example he didnt want anyone to go to the beach on a beach holiday because he didnt like it!) and showing off, materialism etc. I know that virtually never gets better. So if someone has both borderline and narcissistic traits, is it even possible to improve?

[JNChell]

Borderline is more easily treated than NPD.  I’m not a professional, I’m speaking from experience and what I’ve learned to be true. Borderlines will, rarely, seek out treatment. The success rate is low. It’s also common for Borderlines to be comorbid with other conditions. Narcissism is a big one. When a borderline is paired with a high level of narcissism, it’s almost impossible to crack. It’s very hard to tell where one disorder begins and the other ends. It’s easy to see the two from the outside. Inside of it is madness.

It’s possible to improve. But your ex has shown that he’s not interested in improving. I wouldn’t think think twice about that. Think about yourself and think about the kids. What do you see?

[clvrnn]

Just want to say that yes, all of us here get it and are here for you. Keep posting and people will always reply, this website and its community are a real lifeline.

[sunfire]

Thank you. It is reassuring to know what others think.

[JNChell]

Now that you know what we think, what do you think? I’m not good at this stuff, sunfire. I am trying to talk to you.

[sunfire]

I think I know he is a vile person. I felt guilty as a friend of mine told me she thinks he should be involved with Son. I think I ask people what they think and should trust myself. I spoke to him and he sounded disturbed. He was going about how he is better from BPD! I think he is deluded. No matter how hard I look, I can't see any BPD wishing their kids were dead. I'm sure he is also narcissistic and just a bad person.