My ex orchestrated a break-up, contacts me after week, misses me but “confused”

[trumpetjazzman]

Hey all,

My girlfriend (BPD traits, acknowledges anxiety/depression problem and in therapy)  I have been together for over 2 years, and despite ups and downs we have made it through until recently. She  says she doesn't see a future for us (vague reasoning) and says she wants to be alone.

I give her space, don't talk to her for 10 days, and she reaches out, says she loves me and misses me but is "confused" about our relationship. I get hopes up and she pulls back on original wish to see me again. I assert boundary and say I need time and space to heal, but if she is truly interested in seeing me and working again on a relationship. Not reaching out again, just so sad because I love her so much, trying to protect myself at same time :/.

Am I handling this the right way? Is this sense of confusion about her feelings, going hot/cold common? I believe that her BPD mother (diagnosed from afar by her therapist) may be trying to sabotage our relationship. She acknowledges her mother is a control freak, has stood up to her in the past. I have hinted at marriage in the last few months, think this also may be scaring her. Trying to stay strong but so  hard. In therapy myself, acknowledge I have co-dependent tendencies but working on overcoming them.

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance,
Rick

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[once removed]

Am I handling this the right way?

not over pursuing is always a good strategy, in general.

Is this sense of confusion about her feelings, going hot/cold common?

you mention in your first post that she was saying something along these lines in january. confusion about feelings, and hot and cold, push/pull behavior are very common, but it sounds like something is going on in your relationship that it will help to get to the bottom of.

details will help significantly.

it will help to know what led up to this recent incident, and what led up to it in january. are there other times she has done this?

what is she saying that shes confused about, regarding your relationship? how did you respond, and what happened between her saying she wanted to see you and cancelling?

[trumpetjazzman]

Thanks for the thoughtful response, Once Removed.. In terms of what has precipitated the break-up, we unfortunately dealt with an unplanned pregnancy and a subsequent miscarriage about 3 months ago. We are both in our late 30s.

This took an tremendous emotional toll on both of us, as you might imagine. It did not help that prior to the miscarriage, her mother basically threatened to disown her, though her father remained loving. It has seemed like she is too afraid to actually grieve the the loss, wanting to just "move on."  I almost feel that I have felt the loss more than her.

Even though we've never met, her mother apparently doesn't seem to like me. My girlfriend has admitted that she has delayed introducing me to her because she is anxious and "embarrassed" by her. She acknowledges that she can be incredibly cruel.

I am a divorced single dad, and a variety of physical and mental health issues have made it so that I can no longer work full-time, despite remaining financially stable. I feel that choosing to apply for disability benefits (for both my sake and my children's sake) has maybe made her think less of me, despite her acknowledging it was the right move.

She has remained unmarried, and her last significant relationship of 5 years ended badly, with her telling me at times that this ex was emotionally abusive.

As I write this, I am struck with what sounds like the "bleakness" of the situation, but we have always made each other laugh, love cooking together, hiking with our dogs, going to concerts. I am hopeful we can get through this  period with the aid of time and space. In general, she remains honest with me and keeps her commitments to any plans we may make.

Any one have any experience with how a pwBPD may handle grief? Any way I can be supportive?

It makes me very upset to think that her mother (With likely more full-blown BPD) may be trying to sabotage our relationship, and she has acknowledged that her mother has never seemed to like any of the men she has dated.

I am trying to remain optimistic, though my heart continues to ache. I know I can't fix or control her, and only let go the best I can and focus on self-care.

Any more words of wisdom are greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Rick

[Red5]

Good morning trumpetjazzman,

Something you wrote, shared jumped out at me… in regards to your partners mum,

Even though we've never met, her mother apparently doesn't seem to like me. My girlfriend has admitted that she has delayed introducing me to her because she is anxious and "embarrassed" by her,  she acknowledges that she can be incredibly cruel.

My wife's older sister, the middle sister of three… when she married her husband, some thirty years ago now (and a rebound, the husband actually told me this)… it was four years later until she took him to "meet" her parents… I never understood this(?).

I think this older and middle sister is a "hermit"… link to article explanation ->  
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0

There is a long story I have listened too, and learned about in regards to my own wife's "family of origin" ('Foo')… one thing I understand now, is that in most cases, borderline personality disorder is passed down through the generations, if the cycle is not broken.

What I see now, after being with my own wife for eleven years, and eight of those married, and interacting with all of them over the last eleven years… is that her 'Foo" mum is most likely an npd/BPD, even perhaps "histrionic" traits of (?)… as is her two older sisters… traits; and or blown(?)... as was the mum's own mother (the grandmother)… whom I met at her fathers (wife's) funeral… by then on her way to dementia… she was whacking everyone with her cane… at the funeral, I kid you not, she was in her early eighties by then (2007'ish), and acting like an unruly teenager (dementia?)...

… and as I have been told of the 'Foo' there up in Virginia, during the time we were tasked with cleaning out the 'Foo' home after her grandmothers death in 2012'ish… in "casual conversation" (!)..., 'Foo' mums siblings, two sisters, two brothers, all dysfunctional to a degree or another, one (youngest bother) died prematurely of a heroin addiction, another is married to a persona of questionable character, and is full blown dysfunctional, and they (aunt) raised two kids to be dysfunctional, and one of hers died as well of drug overdose… you see how it repeats… over and over… in this particular case, the granddaughter is well on her way to being disordered, the poor kid never stood a chance...

** ‘Foo’ mum also left home at sixteen to marry (escape), as did my own wife in her first marriage… at age sixteen, to a man who was seven years her senior… another deep rabbit hole story.

Back to my wife’s "Foo"… the older two sisters are no doubt, both on the spectrum of BPD, and also npd perhaps (traits)… both married husbands who they could "control"… the oldest was pregnant with her first child from her current husband (married now thirty-three years) while she was still married to another man… there was a younger brother as well, whom was described to me as having a “chemical imbalance” as a young man, he was abusive (explosive) towards all three of his older sisters… he passed away the year after the ‘Foo’ father, of a massive heart attack… turns out, he was also mentally, and physically abusive to his own wife, and three daughters… do you see!… how this disorder repeats over and over and over…

The ‘Foo’ father, was described to me by the #2 sisters husband, as a “selfish s-o-b”… and was waited on “hand and foot” by the ‘Foo’ mum; he said to me… of note, both the two older sister’s husbands both came from abusive homes, ie’ alcoholic fathers, who beat them and their mothers on a constant basis… (wow)… both of them over the years told me this…

This ^indicated^ “attachments disorders” to me… due to the sibling’s childhood/home life I believe… children from abusive upbringings will most times "go with what they know" so to speak,

Both of my "step brother in-laws" have told me all kinds of stories… about their marriages, to the two older sisters… wow ; (

… stuff that would make your hair turn white… we are talking both of these marriages, over three decades apiece… each,

This is a giant ball of tangled string to even begin to try and unravel…

I’ve probably written way too much, and gone off an a ‘tangent’…

Sufficive to say, I did pick up on your statement about your partner not wanting you to meet her ‘Foo’ mum… be advised ~!… there are a myriad of reasons why, and I think you should not dismiss these reasons… you need to understand them,

The more I learn, read, study…  the more I read others accounts… wow ; (

If it were me, I would learn all I could about your partners early life, childhood, and before I married her… you need to understand her as best as you can, before you marry her.

Keep posting trumpetjazzman,

Kind regards, Red5

 

[trumpetjazzman]

Wow, what an interesting take Red5. Scary how these personality disorders, seeming birthed/kindled in trauma, engender more trauma, and "so it goes" as Vonnegut says. More research has been coming out I've seen on the intergenerational impacts of childhood (attachment) trauma.

I experienced emotional neglect in my family, likely due to my mother's BPD traits (funny how I became a people-pleasing, anxious, perfectionistic co-dependent! ;) At least I can laugh a little about it now, as you step back and realize you have been living in "the fog."

Your post immediately made me think of the film "The Fighter" and the family of Mark Wahlberg's character. If you haven't seen it, watch and be spooked how scary it's portrayal of what I would say is an NPD family headed by a Witch (know the terminology a bit) played expertly by Melissa Leo. Some other article brought my attention to it.

In regards to my girlfriend (not ready to say "ex" I think quite yet...we'll see in a month or so), there is definitely alcoholism in her family. I am now sober (over 3 years, woo! , and I think that once her Mom got wind of it, she was very intimidated. Fortunately, the gf seems to be able to control her drinking.

Another contributing factor to the big break-up I think was her starting an antidepressant, which helped the anxiety but affected her libido, maybe even feelings of love towards me in general. I take the same med (Lexapro), so I know what it can do to libido.

If she hadn't entered therapy about 6 months into our relationship (with my coaxing), I don't think I'd still be holding on like this. I think I'm getting some of the classic "I hate you, don't leave me." In a rare moment of vulnerability to me only about 2 weeks prior to the break-up, she confessed "I love you so much, and I am so scared of losing you." Talk about the gut punch with the break-up after hearing that not too long before. Cognitive dissonance, anyone? :/

Feeling a little better about the radio-silence today. Trying to take it one day at a time, heal the best I can. I feel in my heart she will come back. I need to work on building my own emotional strength, and evaluate if a healthy long term relationship with this woman is ultimately even possible. Depressing, triggering previous trauma for me.

Thanks all for your continuing words of wisdom and support.