New Here - Emotionally Drained From My Marriage

[Frustrated38]

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling. I’m pretty sure my wife has some sort of undiagnosed personality disorder and it’s destroying our relationship and my sanity. We have four beautiful kids and it should be a happy time in our life but she’s done everything she can to trash on my side of the family. I’ve always had healthy loving relationships with my parents, brothers and extended family but she has systematically gone after members of my family from my aunt to my mother, always claiming to be the victim and then verbally assaulting me when I don’t support her delusional assertions. Believe me they’re not perfect but my family has always been a good level headed supportive bunch. Not a whole lot of drama before my marriage. It’s frustrating hurtful and I’ve been putting up with it for years always listening to how my parents are awful, my brothers are selfish, yada yada yada.  Meanwhile I’ve been nothing but cordial and nice to her side of the family. And I actually get along great with them. Its like my wife thrives on this constant tension. Well I hate it. I want a big loving extended family where my kids get to feel love from everyone in the family. But my wife constantly says the kids will not have a relationship with my side of the family if they don’t make an effort to get to know her first. Then when my mom calls her she doesn’t call back or if my mother asks how things are going via text she sends some snarky passive aggressive text back. So my mom will back off and only call me because she doesn’t know what to do. She just wants a normal grandmother relationship and would love to have relationship with my wife but my wife just spins it back that she is a victim. Then my wife asks why my mother hasn’t reached out, I try to make rational comments that she could be nicer she flips out and claims I don’t have her back. I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. If I ever disrespected her family she’d kill me but I wouldn’t do it, it’s disrespectful as hell. I understand my wife comes first now and I treat her as that but nothing is ever good enough and that doesn’t give her the right to be constantly disrespectful to me and my side of the family. She starting to fill my 6 year old daughters head  with all kinds of nasty things about my parents and brothers and I am appalled by this. That’s as cruel and manipulative as it gets. . I’m hurt a bit lost and I’d love to be able to get on the road to getting back on track but I don’t think I can do anything until she admits she has a problem. Any help would be great. Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BestVersionOfMe]

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling. I’m pretty sure my wife has some sort of undiagnosed personality disorder and it’s destroying our relationship and my sanity. We have four beautiful kids and it should be a happy time in our life but she’s done everything she can to trash on my side of the family. I’ve always had healthy loving relationships with my parents, brothers and extended family but she has systematically gone after members of my family from my aunt to my mother, always claiming to be the victim and then verbally assaulting me when I don’t support her delusional assertions. Believe me they’re not perfect but my family has always been a good level headed supportive bunch. Not a whole lot of drama before my marriage. It’s frustrating hurtful and I’ve been putting up with it for years always listening to how my parents are awful, my brothers are selfish, yada yada yada.  Meanwhile I’ve been nothing but cordial and nice to her side of the family. And I actually get along great with them. Its like my wife thrives on this constant tension. Well I hate it. I want a big loving extended family where my kids get to feel love from everyone in the family. But my wife constantly says the kids will not have a relationship with my side of the family if they don’t make an effort to get to know her first. Then when my mom calls her she doesn’t call back or if my mother asks how things are going via text she sends some snarky passive aggressive text back. So my mom will back off and only call me because she doesn’t know what to do. She just wants a normal grandmother relationship and would love to have relationship with my wife but my wife just spins it back that she is a victim. Then my wife asks why my mother hasn’t reached out, I try to make rational comments that she could be nicer she flips out and claims I don’t have her back. I just don’t know how to deal with it anymore. If I ever disrespected her family she’d kill me but I wouldn’t do it, it’s disrespectful as hell. I understand my wife comes first now and I treat her as that but nothing is ever good enough and that doesn’t give her the right to be constantly disrespectful to me and my side of the family. She starting to fill my 6 year old daughters head  with all kinds of nasty things about my parents and brothers and I am appalled by this. That’s as cruel and manipulative as it gets. . I’m hurt a bit lost and I’d love to be able to get on the road to getting back on track but I don’t think I can do anything until she admits she has a problem. Any help would be great. Thank you.

Ummm did you just write one of my situations that I've been dealing with to a tee?  For me that is just one of many things, but that one has been going on for 4-5 years now.  The good guys are the bad guys and the bad guys are the good guys.  Her mom is an absolute nut case, even my wife would agree on that, but yet we spend a ton of time with them while my family has been ejected from our lives.  I still go there with the kids, but it isn't the same any more.  Crazy making behavior. 

[Harri]

Hi Frustrated and welcome to the board!  Just so you know, I moved your post from conflicted to the Bettering board as this is where you will be able to learn to apply tools that will help you in your situation regardless of the direction you you choose for your relationship.  The tools will help you cope and manage your feelings and responses making life easier for you and by extension your kids and maybe even your wife.   

As you read and post here, you will find that you are not alone and definitely not alone in the way your wife deals with your family.  Unfortunately it is not uncommon here.  Other aspects of your situation also sound familiar so I am glad you are reaching out for help here.  We get it.

It sounds like your relationship with your family is a priority for you and you are keeping contact with them in spite of the difficulties.  I think that is a good thing to keep doing as having a support network for yourself is vital. 

She starting to fill my 6 year old daughters head  with all kinds of nasty things about my parents and brothers and I am appalled by this. That’s as cruel and manipulative as it gets. . I’m hurt a bit lost and I’d love to be able to get on the road to getting back on track but I don’t think I can do anything until she admits she has a problem. Any help would be great. Thank you.

It is sad when the kids get pulled in like this.  It is abuse.  My mom did that to my brother and I regarding my fathers family.  How did you handle this with your wife?

I hope you read and share more and feel comfortable jumping into other posts here.  We learn the best when we are active and interact with others.

Again,

[Frustrated38]

Hi guys, appreciate the feedback. Glad to know I’m not alone. I reassert to my daughter that they are indeed good people. It’s tough though. I don’t want to confuse my daughter either, she’s only 6!  I’m thankful I never had to deal with any of this as a kid but I worry what this type of behavior from my wife will do to my kids as they grow older. Any thoughts on how to handle situations like this?

[once removed]

Any thoughts on how to handle situations like this?

when did all of this start, and what led to it?

my wife constantly says the kids will not have a relationship with my side of the family if they don’t make an effort to get to know her first.

is this the bottom line from your wife that she doesnt feel acknowledged by your family?

[itsmeSnap]

Does she have a working relationship with her own family? Maybe its not about your mom in particular but more about "mother/parent figures" in general?