Told my wife I'm moving out

[Wilkinson]

My wife had not been formally diagnosed with BPD, but after reading about it, it makes sense.  Over the last several years, she has become more emotionally abusive.  She'll trap me in a room to berate me for hours, sometimes, all over the same things.  She's broken things, she has thrown my stuff out on the porch, spit in my face.  One of the reasons I think this might be BPD is because she lost contact with her sister a few years ago.  About that time is when things started ramping up.  She would pick fights and get upset with me.  I started going to counseling and trying to be a better husband in conflicts.  As I became less defensive in arguments, it seemed to make things worse?  That's when it was no longer words, but breaking things, or telling me she's filing for divorce and I need to get out.  I spent so much time and anxiety trying to be the better husband so I wouldn't make her upset.  No, I don't know what else to do but to move out and see if she's willing to get help.  We have four kids who have to witness all this conflict.  It has been affecting them at school.  I am struggling at work.  I never know if she will show up at work or call me to complain about me for hours about something I did three months ago, and reminders of the time I did something else 5 months ago, and so on.  I feel like leaving some with BPD only exacerbates the horrible feelings they have, but I can't keep taking the abuse and my kids can't keep just watching it.  I feel sick, but I don't know what else to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Panda39]

Hi Wilkinson,

Welcome to the BPD Family    I'm sorry for what brings you here, but you have found a group of people that really do "get it" we all have someone with BPD or BPD Traits in our lives.

I'm happy to hear that you have started counseling that is an excellent step.  Self-care is super important you can't work on this stuff if your burnt out so that safe place to talk about it is great.  Now you have us too 

I come at BPD from a slightly different angle than you do the person in my life is my Partner's undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) so there will be other members that will be better able to give you support/tools that can help you with your relationship with your wife. We have some awesome folks going through very similar things who or who have gone through similar things that are further down the road that can support you where you are.

But as someone who has gone through a divorce and has a partner who has gone through a divorce, I encourage you to speak with a lawyer before packing up and moving out.  You need to know how this could potentially affect custody or if you own your own house what moving out would mean in terms of that.  I know you aren't saying that you want to divorce but leaving your home could have ramifications later and I'd like to see you protect yourself and your interests before making this kind of decision. 

I totally get the exhaustion and desire to just run away from the conflict and drama, I've seen what my Partner's ex can do, and how that can trigger us to react emotionally.  It's hard to avoid that knee jerk reaction sometimes but it's important that you protect yourself and your kids.

I'm glad you decided to jump in and know that other members will be along with support, ideas and tools that will be helpful.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Wilkinson]

I am in contact with a lawyer and I am trying to make sure I protect myself.  I don't want to actually file for divorce.  I'd like to give her a chance to work and recover.  I also need to break away from all the anxiety.  I never see my kids because if I'm home, she's berating me.  On the weekends she often kicks me out of the house.  I can't concentrate at work and I'm falling behind that I'm about to get in trouble for a project that needs to be completed soon.

I hate this so much.  We've been married for 17 years.  The low points were rough, but we got through them and the good times were good.  I have some fantastic memories of the good times in our family.  In a marriage, there are ups and downs.  Over time, our downs kept getting deeper, and lasting longer until there were no ups anymore and it turned into abuse.  It took me a long time to admit it, but that is what it slowly evolved into.  I wonder if this is what it's like to love a dug addict?  They seem keep inflicting themselves with something that makes them miserable and affects the lives of people around them, I feel powerless to stop it. 

[Perdita]

Panda39 gave some solid advice above about going to a lawyer first.  Moving out immediately puts her in a stronger position from what I understand when it comes to these things.  Find out what your options are.  I don't have kids, but I really hope that if I did that I would have had the courage to rather leave the relationship. There's only so much a person can put up with and children especially need to be protected from that kind of environment.  It's never easy to leave any marriage though.  I really wish you and everyone that's busy to or about to take this huge step the very best.  It takes a lot of guts and determination.