Dealing with my animosity towards other family and friends of uBPD husband

[Leigh122]

I've been married for 6 years, only in the last year did we identify that my husband has uBPD.  He actually recognized it because he knew something was wrong.  He seems to be high functioning.  The entire marriage has been rough and exhausting with counseling, threats of divorce, etc.  I will spare the details but it's the typical symptoms everyone else experiences.  He has really worked on fixing by changing his diet, plenty of rest, mediating, exercising and not drinking alcohol.  There has been significant improvement.  I'm very grateful for this however, I feel like underneath it all he doesn't like me or my son.  I sense hostility, underneath criticism and a struggle to compliment us.  Yet, it seems that he is so desperate for people to like him.  It feels like he tries to rub his relationships in my face.  On top of that, people seem to open up to him including women which I don't feel is appropriate...yet, I'm scared of his reaction and feel uncomfortable opening up.  With all this said, I have animosity towards his other relationships.  I've tried to deal with it, but it's a problem for me. 

Does anyone experience these feelings?  Any advice or how to deal? 

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[livednlearned]

I wonder if what feels like hostility or not liking you and your son is how he expresses his anxiety about intimacy. BPD symptoms often mask a very weak or not existent sense of self so genuine intimacy will be a foreign concept to him. The closer you are, the harder he will have to fight to preserve the big secret about the bigger hole at his core.

It's so encouraging that he self-diagnosed. Do you think he would open to DBT skills? (dialectical behavior therapy)?

You mention that he is desperate for people to like him. That sounds like he could be starved for validation and perhaps praise?

[Leigh122]

Thanks so much for responding...that does make sense and probably does apply to this situation. 

I don't think he would be open to DBT.  He doesn't want to seek help because he is afraid it may hurt his career if it would get out.

I think you are right about the validation and praise.  I've worked hard to give that.  He actually didn't take compliments and gifts well at all.  He is getting better at accepting now. 

I've done a lot of work and read books to understand BPD.  I had so much compassion that he has to deal with it, but I feel he took advantage of that.  Or I let him take advantage of that.  I'm now in the process of working on me.

[Mettamorphasis]

Thank you for sharing - I think I am going through something similar. I recently realized my husband is BPD, and his behavior is similar in relationships. He can easily become whoever the person in front of him wants him to be, and will go to any lengths to make sure he earns their affection. Unsurprisingly, he is extremely popular and everyone wants to be around him. (Meanwhile, in private, he is often yelling at me, putting me down or threatening to leave.) It feels extremely lonely to be his partner, because even my own family would rather be around him, or at least who they think he is. I wish I had some advice for you - this is all still so new to me. For now, I am just trying to have compassion around my own feelings of not belonging.

[Leigh122]

Thanks so much for responding.  I can totally relate!  It's close to what I'm dealing with.  I just had a new friend of mine say how "warm" my husband was because he was so sweet to her daughter.  He's definitely the opposite of "warm" at home with my son and myself.  I'm pretty new to it as well and I understand why he feels the way he does (or I think I do), but there is another side of me that hurts.  It's incredibly painful that the person that I'm the most intimate with and closest to ... I feel he like hates me.  I'm really sorry you have to endure what you are going through.  It's very lonely and I feel that others don't understand.  We went to 3 different counselors and none identified the problem.

[Mettamorphasis]

I hope you can take care of yourself and your son above all else. I feel like with my husband, his need to be liked comes from a social anxiety rooted in a fear of abandonment. He also is an example of the 'I hate you don't leave me' mentality, and he will lash out at me when I don't protect him from his own difficult emotions. Without knowing him, I bet your husband does care a lot about you but might blame you for his pain or take it out on you when he is not thinking clearly. Either way, I hope you know that you deserve to be adored and treated with the upmost respect.

[Butane]

He actually didn't take compliments and gifts well at all.  He is getting better at accepting now. 

This struck me. My husband, who shows several BPD traits, does not take gifts well either. He loves to give them, but receives gifts with quiet ingratitude and criticism. He tends to say I'm not being sincere.   

[Leigh122]

I think you are exactly right...I feel the same way about the social anxiety and fear of abandonment.  Thank you so much!  And you deserve the same.  The feedback really helps!  It's so appreciated!