Should I send a card to my brother?

[knowledgeispower]

I have been reading about BPD and my brother fits the diagnosis. It explains so much...a lifetime of so much. I haven't talked with him since our last conversation when he told me how fat I am, how I don't have any friends, that I don't have a significant other, and that that (get this and gasp) ...I have cats as pets! Of course I got hopping mad at him because at that time I did not realize he has BPD. After both of us yelling at each other, I slammed down the phone and vowed never to talk with him again. I was so tired of all the verbal abuse he lashes me with. Nobody deserves that and verbal abuse is so damaging. In addition, I am so tired of always being his villain. Always the villain in the end because of one thing or another, but mostly because I am the one that admits something serious is going on and do not pretend or forget or fail to connect the dots that he needs help.

He recently moved in with my dad and I know he is trying, doing his best. He falls into the high functioning spectrum for BPD. He secured a job with great benefits and is getting positive recognition at his job. Now knowing he has BPD, I realize and accept that it is his illness that drives his interactions with me and that I am going to not have to take them personally. So, I been thinking about reaching out to  him. I am not ready to talk with him on the phone, yet.  Would sending him a card, telling him how great it is that he found a great job, etc. a good thing to do? Such a simple action, but you never know what it might trigger.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you reached out and posted.  Having a sibling with BPD or BPD tendencies is very challenging. 

Based on what you have shared here I don't see any harm in sending your brother a simple card that says congrats and wishing him luck.  I would not go further than that and word it in such a way that no response is necessary.

If he gets triggered, we can help you manage your reaction to that too.

How long has it been since you spoke to him?  He now lives with your father... are you in contact with your dad?  Do you visit him?  Sorry, I'm just trying to get a feel for your situation.

I hope you read and post as you settle in here.  We all have a loved one with BPD or traits and support each other as we try to navigate our way through the relationship and make choices that are good for us.

Again,

[knowledgeispower]

Hi, Harri. Thanks for your advice. It sounds perfect and I will follow your advice. Please see below for answers to your questions.

How long has it been since you spoke to him?

The last conversation in which he said the things I mentioned was about two months ago.  About two weeks ago he arrived at our dad's home.  He answered the phone when I called to speak with my dad. He said a quick, "I love you.", which left my greatly disconcerted, because I was still terribly hurt by what he had said in our previous conversation (this is before I learned about BPD). I kept thinking how can he act like nothing happened. No apology. Nothing.  To him, it never happened. Amazing how BPD can wipe his memory clean while I'm  still pulling verbal shrapnel out of my psyche. I didn't say I love you back, but instead asked for dad (again before I knew about BPD and yes I know I have dug myself into quite a hole with my brother. That's what got me to thinking about sending him a card.)

He now lives with your father... are you in contact with your dad?  

Our mom died last year. My father didn't wish to relocate. I visit him when I can, speak with him daily, and manage his finances. We've become closer and I feel a great deal of respect, love, and trust from him.

I was very concerned when he agreed to let my brother into his home. My father is familiar with my brother's behavior. We are veterans.  We reached an agreement that he would keep me informed of his relationship with my brother and we agreed on a safety word that would alert me to contact the police if he feels threatened.  There have been incidents when there have been flare ups temper-wise, but my father said they were resolved and he that he stood up for himself. He is cautious when he speaks to my brother, which is understandable. My brother got a fulltime job during the week, so this gives my father time alone to do what he wants, which is a good thing. My father does enjoy my brother's cooking and is grateful for the work my brother does around the house. Though my brother illness prevents him from seeing it a lot of the time, he is loved.

Since I believe my brother has this illness, I been talking to my dad about when I call him.  I've said that we both need to learn to communicate with my brother in a different way.  Acknowledging the really great, loving things he does and his accomplishments, but being able to communicate with him in a way that doesn't trigger him or give him the opening to FOG us or get us in verbal fights. I think we also need to set boundaries that make it clear to my brother that he does not have the right to say hurtful things.

My father was telling me that my brother wanted to do "X" improvement to the house, which my father and I view as imprudent as the house has two reverse mortgages. So, I suggested to my father the next time my brother suggested something along these lines, to thank him for wanting to do something so nice, but then gently remind him that we will be loosing the house on his death (my father's)--and then to suggest something that my brother could do that would be a really big help to my dad. Do you feel this is a good approach to take, Harri?

[once removed]

I am so tired of always being his villain

whats the history here?

The last conversation in which he said the things I mentioned was about two months ago.

what led up to the blowup?

[knowledgeispower]

whats the history here (on being the villain in my brother's mind)? what led up to the blowup?

When my brother lived in another state, he had a job that did not pay him well and did not provide any benefits.  I manage my father's finances.  As a family we decided that it would be great for my brother to fly out and spend xmas with my dad.  I saved up money for his airfare, to pay him for missed days at work, some pocket money,  and for transportation to and from the airport. I even spent a few hours to find a non-stop flight for my brother (no easy feat because he wouldn't confirm he was coming until the last minute).

After all this was done, my father--without consulting my brother and I, allowed a woman he and my mother knew to temporarily move in.  She was about to be evicted and have given my father a sob story. After he did this, he told me and I was not happy about it because the room she was in was supposed to be reserved for my brother if he decided to return home.  I told my brother about the situation and he went ballistic.  He began a campaign of terror, calls to my dad and me where he was screaming into the phone about her being in the house.  His verbal abuse was so severe that my father grew scared of him and he told my brother that he didn't want him to come home for X-mas. My father then asked me to cancel his flight. I held off three days hoping things would calm down, but they didn't.  So, I asked my father again if he wanted the flights canceled and he said yes.  I asked him if he told my brother he was asking me to do this and he said yes.  So, I canceled the flights and my brother did not spend X-mas with our dad.  I flew out instead because I didn't want him to be alone during the holidays as my mom had died that past spring.) Despite my father repeatedly telling my brother that it was he that told me cancel the flights because he was scared of him, my brother to this day refuses to acknowledge that. He actually told my father, "I did not scare you."  My brother has told both me and my father that I am the person (villain) that ruined his X-mas.  That's one example of many.  Ironically, when my mother was in hospice care, my brother actually came up and hugged me one day, saying, "I've been such dick to you. I've said so many mean things. I am sorry."  Then the X-mas fiasco and I am back to villain status.

*Note: Despite my brother's trip home being canceled, I still made sure my dad gave him money for the work days he missed (my brother never told his job that his trip had been canceled).  My brother cannot manage his finances well at all and to have him go without any compensation would have put him deeper in the hole. Yet despite doing this, I am still the villain.

BTW, when I got the woman out of the house and told my brother, his reply was, "I don't know what the hurry was.  It's not like I am moving there any time soon." He told my father this too. My dad and I are still shocked by this. It's then that I started to really realize that my brother has a severe mental illness.