BPD family breaking their own NC

[zangetsu]

Long-time lurker but first-time poster. I need to vent right now

So today is my birthday. I'm currently on NC with undiagnosed-BP mom/enabler younger brother who, after I set some boundaries with them at my house, decided that I was not worthy of "their efforts to make amends with me" and preemptively cut me off. (In reality, I put my own emotional needs on the line for over a year to help our communication and reach understanding, but my mom always treated me like the enemy.) In the process I was lumped in with her extended family who my BPD mom also doesn't talk to. I sighed the biggest sigh of relief after that. I was truly, finally free.

That was six months ago and her last email to me was that if I contacted her, she would pursue legal action against me. I decided then that if my own mother would threaten me with that (which is her automatic answer to every threat--"I will SUE you"--and I hate it) then I would not give her any more room in my life. I haven't heard anything from her until today.

Today, I received a birthday card from her (which I will not open), and now she has called me on the phone. I did not answer and I won't listen to her voice mail. The moment I hear her voice I am back at the mercy of her rage where she called me horrible names, insulted me, humiliated me, forced me to go along with her lies, and more for years. The worst part about her raging? She never believed what she called me--it was all to get me to "get in line." I can't put myself back in the clutches of her emotional abuse.

But also, talking to me after telling me not to talk to her is NOT how this works! More than anything else, I'm amazed at her... hypocrisy? Emotional posturing? Empty threats? She put so much effort into letting me how much of a low-life I was for telling her "NO" and then she acts like nothing is wrong. That makes me madder than anything else.

This year I promised myself I would have a great birthday (as many of mine have been terrible) no matter what she did, and I am sticking to that promise--but coming here to share with others who understand helps. I can't control what she does, but I can control how I react. I have my own house, I call the shots, she's no longer in control of me, and that starts with my emotional home. She feeds off of emotional drama and I won't give it to her.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I escaped a few years ago thanks to the help of my then-fiance/now-husband and I've never been happier. I found God again (instead her idea of "god") and in the process I found myself. I don't know how I stayed in that situation for so long.

[Harri]

Hi!  Happy birthday!   In addition to posting here    how are you celebrating today?

 

I can't control what she does, but I can control how I react.

Very true. 

it sounds like you are not ready to have contact with her just yet and that's okay.  Have you decided that you don't want contact at all or are you thinking 'maybe some day'?  Either way is okay and you get to choose.

The moment I hear her voice I am back at the mercy of her rage where she called me horrible names, insulted me, humiliated me, forced me to go along with her lies, and more for years. The worst part about her raging? She never believed what she called me--it was all to get me to "get in line." I can't put myself back in the clutches of her emotional abuse.

Yes, this is so difficult to deal with, being thrown back in all that emotional turmoil.  Have you found that your no contact has made this easier to manage over time or is it still as powerful?  I ask because for some, no contact is not the 'cure' for others it works.  Either way we can help you and you have our support.

I found God again (instead her idea of "god") and in the process I found myself. I don't know how I stayed in that situation for so long.

This is wonderful.  I had faith and I used to rely on God and his wisdom to help guide me but I gave that up along the way in my efforts to distance myself from my mother.  I am slowly, I think, getting back to allowing him into my life again, or maybe I should say I am allowing myself to acknowledge him again. 

Okay, I know others will be along shortly to chat.  I'm glad you decided to de-cloak!

[Turkish]

Peruse legal action? That takes the cake... happy birthday by the way 

This is an empty threat... but that said,  we've seen odd things here,  like romantic partners who got ex parte ROs and then contacted their targets. Just the threat must be so maddening and hurtful. 

My mother threatened me with a lawyer because I "stole" her truck (which I had originally given to her, but she was right in that it was hers).  Her license was suspended, she was living with me far away and my buddy had it on his property so it wouldn't get stripped or stolen.

[zangetsu]

Hi!  Happy birthday!  how are you celebrating today?

Thank you ^_^ and Turkish, too. We got gourmet donuts and ice cream :D

Have you decided that you don't want contact at all or are you thinking 'maybe some day'?

I don't want contact with her at all at this point. I actually haven't seen her face-to-face in a few years and all contact has been over the phone or email. If having a relationship means she won't face all the emotional, psychological, and physical abuse she dealt me then it's not a relationship.

Have you found that your no contact has made this easier to manage over time or is it still as powerful?

Yes, no-contact was the only way to get away from the emotional ups and downs. I tried a "polite contact" and then "low contact" and I was under the same amount of stress. I started living my life in full after going no-contact only.

I am slowly, I think, getting back to allowing him into my life again, or maybe I should say I am allowing myself to acknowledge him again.

I totally understand how you feel about distancing yourself from God because of a BPD parent. I still have episodes of intense anger thinking about my religious upbringing. I found a different denomination of church all together--Orthodoxy which is opposite of everything she considers to be "church." I think BPD religious people think they have the monopoly on God like they think they own us, but in reality God is just a tool for them to use against other people like they use money and love. Getting past that trauma, though, is hard.

Edited to add that she sent me some cash in the birthday card (husband opened it, not me) and it's going straight into the church donation box.

Turkish, the very idea that a parent would threaten to sue their children over something stupid like either of our cases is just... grrr. It's immature on their part, and betrays how much of an enemy the child is to the parent. That's hard to come back from. My mother would threaten to call the cops if I "stole" the car that was in her name only but I was making payments on--and "stealing" meant if I took it to get away from her abuse during one our fights. She'd never even driven it.

Thank you both for the welcome  I like it here and hope I can join in the discussions!

[Harri]

You said donuts...   

I don't want contact with her at all at this point ... If having a relationship means she won't face all the emotional, psychological, and physical abuse she dealt me then it's not a relationship.

Chances are she won't face the emotional, psychological and physical abuse she dealt you.   Choosing not to have contact with her is okay.   A lot of people feel that acknowledgement of the abuse is critical to be able to move on and re-build a relationship.

grrr. It's immature on their part, and betrays how much of an enemy the child is to the parent.

The word enemy really struck a chord with me today.   My mom did see me as her enemy many times.  It's so sad to remember and it was so damn confusing and damaging.  Trying so hard to prove myself whether as an innocent child or as an adult. 

I like it here and hope I can join in the discussions!

I hope you can too.   

[once removed]

hi zangetsu, and i hope you had a happy birthday!

I'm currently on NC with undiagnosed-BP mom/enabler younger brother who, after I set some boundaries with them at my house, decided that I was not worthy of "their efforts to make amends with me" and preemptively cut me off. (In reality, I put my own emotional needs on the line for over a year to help our communication and reach understanding, but my mom always treated me like the enemy.)

whats the back story here?