Lost relationship with sister-in-law with suspected BPD

[Mollhia]

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this post.

Here is a little bit of background information regarding the situation. My husband and I have been together almost 10 years. He has one sister who is about two years younger myself (she is about 28 years old). I was never exceptionally close with my sister-in-law, but we got along well and I always enjoyed spending time with her at family functions. She was also a bridesmaid in my wedding.

Something I noticed right away about my SIL, is her unstable behaviour and this "all or nothing" mentality she has. My husband warned me about this behaviour before we started seriously dating and stated that "it's just the way she is". To be clear, she has NOT been diagnosed with BPD, just suspected at this point. For me, this was never an issue as I have a lot of patience and have a tendency to avoid conflict so we never really "butt heads". She also has a history of unstable relationships and she appears to struggle from self-esteem issues, despite her intelligence and obvious beauty.

Several months ago, I took a vacation with my husbands family, including my SIL. Right away, I could see several symptoms of BPD including explosive anger, impulsiveness, and mood swings. We were constantly having to walk on egg shells around her and she had some severe emotional reactions to very small inconveniences. We also had to do everything she wanted, or she would behave as if the entire trip was ruined.

Regrettably, after a couple weeks of walking on egg shells and getting screamed at by her for seemingly no reason, my husband and I broke down. My husband and her got into a verbal argument over something so insignificant. While they were yelling at each other, I also yelled (quite loudly) "this is so fuc**** stupid!"... and that was the end of my involvement with the argument. It should be noted that she was screaming insults at us, but my husbands reaction was purely defensive and never retaliated with any statements that were insulting or hurtful. 

My husband and I left the hotel and I got a text message from my SIL about 15 minutes later. She said some hateful, hurtful things and essentially said that she should have never welcomed me into the family and that we were "dead to her". She then proceeded to block my cell phone number, facebook and instagram accounts. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding and deleted all pictures she ever posted about our wedding - - all because I shouted one phrase about the stupidity of the argument, despite 10 years of having a good relationship. I also attempted to reach out and apologize for yelling, but she never responded.

It has been several months and she still has cut all contact with me and my husband. We are both feeling hurt and confused. After some research, it seems clear that she's demonstrated several symptoms of BPD. I feel terribly that she has to experience these extreme emotions and I don't know what I should do about it. I want to support her and continue to have her in my life, I just don't know what to do. My mother-in-law has told my husband that she has been encouraged to get mental health help in the past, but she does not see an issue with her behaviour.. she believes that it's everyone else around her who are "crazy" or "fake".

Does anyone have any thoughts on how to repair this relationship? Should I reach out and just provide unconditional support and love despite her behaviour? Or would that just make me an enabler? Perhaps it's not my place to get involved at all, which is fine. If anything, I would just like to have her back in my life and help her to ease these feelings of hatred she seems to harbour for us. Any feedback from someone who struggles with BPD or a family member would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you again, and I apologize for the lengthy post.   

[No-One]

Hi Mollhia:
Welcome!  I'm so sorry about the situation with your SIL.  BPD behaviors can be very difficult to understand and manage.  It has to be very frustrating for you and your husband.  The meltdowns can be very uncomfortable and can take us by surprise if we haven't witnessed them before.

I also attempted to reach out and apologize for yelling, but she never responded. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to repair this relationship?

 A person doesn't have to have a BPD diagnosis (or qualify with the number of traits), a few strong BPD traits can make someone a very difficult person.  Vacations seem to set the stage for a dysregulation event.

It's sad that she doesn't want help and can't recognize that she has a problem.  Unfortunately, you can't help someone who doesn't want help.  What you have control over is yourself, your boundaries and how you react and interact.  Best for you and your husband to prepare for a future meltdown.  It can be hard to not react, but it is best to not engage and remove yourself from the situation.  

Not everyone with BPD traits is the same.  It's common for them to NOT want to have a warm fuzzy conversation about their behavior.  The length of "the silent treatment" can vary.  At some point, they may just carry on, as if nothing ever happened.

If she lives close by, perhaps you might want to try and contact her again, with an invitation for lunch or dinner out somewhere.  You can decide if it's best to have just the two of you, or to include your husband.  If she still ignores you, after an invite for a meal out, you could send a follow-up note and just say something like:  "My offer for lunch/dinner is an open invitation, just get in touch with me/us when you are ready.  Hope all is well with you"

It's hard to say what she will do.  Some people with BPD traits might get over an event quickly, while others are grudge holders and can paint people black (you are on their poo poo list) for years.  

You may have to wait until there is some family event that she attends in the near future.  Has she been speaking to her parents?  Any negative things happening in her life currently (job? boyfriend?)

  

[Pilpel]

I also have a SIL (my brother's wife) who is either BPD or NPD.  I tend to think she's NPD.   I have interacted with her nearly monthly for over 10 years.  Initially we walked on eggshells.  When she sent very FOGgy emails, my husband and I would spend hours crafting a response.  Trying to get our point across in a tactful way without causing her narcissistic injury and causing her reaction to escalate.  We still try to be tactful and gracious, but there were many times when we considered cutting contact.  But we didn't because we were concerned that such a move would make us the jerks.  In some ways things are better, but it's because we've used the method in Stop Walking on Eggshells of reflecting back that has helped to de-escalate her drama and help her feel empathized with.  And it's helped us to speak our truth to her as well ... which she will listen to but pretty much ignore.  Even though we still have a relationship with her, I have deep regrets for the times that I didn't draw the line and speak my truth to her.  I regret all the times I didn't say "If you're going to treat us this way, I'm leaving."  We've stuck out this relationship to maintain a relationship with the nephews and my brother.  And for that it has been worth it to stick it out, for now.  But whether you appease her or stand your ground, when you interact with her it's just going to put you back on a never ending circular interaction.  So my advice is to practice standing your ground.  You can be sorry that things got heated.  But your truth is that the drama she created was f'n stupid.  It's your truth.  Don't apologize for that.  From all the stories that I've read here over the years and from my own experience, odds are that she will reconnect with you and act like nothing happened.  She'll likely confabulate a completely different story where she projects her own difficult behavior on to you.  And she may use your outburst as proof that you were the one causing the drama.  Enjoy the peace you have in the meantime. 

Also, check out Dr Les Carter on Youtube.  He talks a lot about NPD traits, but also about setting firm boundaries and owning your own reality when dealing with someone with PD.