NC feels like contact because family member is always on my mind

[Imatter33]

June 13 will be 3 months nc. I seem to have no relief bc I’m always thinking about the relationship with her.
Does anyone else get this feeling?

[Harri]

Hi.

Would you call these thoughts intrusive? 

[Only Human]

Hello Imatter33 and Welcome to  bpdfamily!

I am here because my adult daughter has BPD but I can relate to what you've shared. Many years ago I had a brief, but intense, relationship with a man I believe to have Anti-Social Personality Disorder.

Although I was the one who initiated no-contact, I thought about him every day, several times a day. I started journaling and the first thing I would write was: Yes, meaning he was the first thing on my mind upon waking.

My heart goes out to you, I know how "stuck" I felt and can only imagine how much more difficult it must be when the person you are no-contact with is a family member

When you are ready, please share more about your relationship and the reason you are no-contact. The members here are very supportive and there are no judgments here. I also encourage you to read and join in other threads so you can build your support network.  bpdfamily has been a lifeline for so many of us as we learn and grow together.

Again,

~ OH

[sklamath]

Hi, lmatter33! I would say I can relate to this. Would you mind sharing a little more about what, specifically, you find yourself thinking about?

I've been NC for a little over a year with my mom, and even though it's gotten easier and even though I could appreciate the time to focus on my own growth, it was hso ard not to feel consumed by the situation. What does it all mean (now that I can put a name to the behavioral traits), is there anything I could have or should be doing differently, what if I never see her--or either of my parents--again? It was especially bad when I had long stretches of time alone in my head. And considering I work from home, almost every day was a challenge. 

I don't think I would be getting past it (yeah, it's a process) without therapy. I struck out with the first therapist I saw last year, but am seeing someone now who I find helpful. She's helped me with some strategies for identifying "unhelpful" thoughts and being able to choose to let those go and remind myself of helpful truths. I have had a lot of solo travel so far this year, and though I was looking forward to the travel aspects, I was worried about all that time in my head and not wanting that to detract from my enjoyment of the trips. But I loaded up on podcasts, audiobooks, and learning apps that would be entertaining or intellectually stimulating, or did travel journaling (specifically NOT writing about mom stuff). I was able to really be present and enjoy myself. Some days are still challenging, but I can be more proactive about what I'm willing to rent space to in my head.

[Imatter33]

I had a very vivid dream, so much so that I woke up thinking it had happened.
Basically it involved my mom showing up with a friend (although some details are vague) all thoughts, dreamt or not have to do with an impending confrontation. Going nc has been a good choice I think, but it doesnt liberate me from my own feeling of unresolvedness, or the intrusive confrontation thoughts I have on a weekly basis.
I have appreciated every single response and have got a lot of good ideas, about when to go lc or reset the relationship with different boundaries. However, if my major problem is the unknowns with rage I don't know how to break the nc? Or ochestrate a conversation that I feel in control of. I dont even know if im ready for that or want it, but apparently my self conscious always has it on my mind.

[Harri]

Hiya!

Processing things in our dreams can be sort of freaky and intense.  I think it was Zabava who just posted about something similar. 
 

all thoughts, dreamt or not have to do with an impending confrontation. Going nc has been a good choice I think, but it doesnt liberate me from my own feeling of unresolvedness, or the intrusive confrontation thoughts I have on a weekly basis.

Very true.  NC will give you time to focus on you and begin to figure out how to process these thoughts and come to a place of peace.

However, if my major problem is the unknowns with rage I don't know how to break the nc?

Can you elaborate on this a bit please?  I think I get what you mean but I don't want to go off on a tangent (as delightful as they can be sometimes!)

Or ochestrate a conversation that I feel in control of. I dont even know if im ready for that or want it, but apparently my self conscious always has it on my mind.

How about thinking of this in terms of having a conversation where you are confident that you will be able to take care of you with the skills you have (and ones you have yet to learn)?  Can you describe what this conversation looks and sounds like for us?