My 16-year old daughter is Bipolar and BPD

[Sammy Jo]

First time user here. Listening to screaming, cursing, and fighting upstairs. It's a daily occurrence. Three in-patient hospitalizations with DBT which did no good and I will not repeat. A 15-year old sister who I feel has had a lost childhood because of all this. A multitude of medicines which bandaid things and help some but don't fix anything. She is a tornado that sucks all the oxygen out of then room. My chest hurts right now because of the anxiety that comes once her daily medicine wears off and she gets jealous when her Dad comes home and we tried to start talking. I have severe feelings of guilt for often not even liking my own child and find myself looking at baby pictures to try to recapture my feelings of love and to remind myself this is not her fault.

Please help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

oh Sammy Jo, I am so sorry you are going through this. You came to the right place for help. I know what you mean by a tornado sucking the life out of everything and all the guilt that goes with it. It can be like that. The good news is you are in the right place to get help and things can get better. What do you mean when you say she gets jealous when her dad comes home? Who is she jealous of and how does that manifest? Share whatever you feel comfortable sharing. We are all here for you.

[Sammy Jo]

Thank you for your reply. When her Dad gets home from work she immediately tries to interject herself into any conversation we have. If she's been studying in the family room and we turn on the tv and ask her to move upstairs, she gets furious and tells us she has to have silence. She will come downstairs and stand in front of the tv or come down and ask me dozens of questions. She says her Dad is jealous of her talking to me and that he and I sleep together in the same bed and can talk all night. She has absolutely no clue about the marriage relationship even though we try to exhibit a healthy marriage to her. Both of our parents are still married as well. She is very jealous of her younger sister and says she has the life that she always wanted.

[FaithHopeLove]

I can imagine that it is difficult for you to not be able to speak to your husband or enjoy your home in peace because of your daughter's anxieties. I can also imagine that having BPD and seeing others form relationships so much more easily than she does must be incredibly painful for your daughter. Perhaps some clearer boundaries are in order. Have you thought about setting some rules for what happens when hubby/ dad gets home such as giving the two of you at least fifteen minutes of uninterrupted conversation and then hearing from her afterwards or something like that?

[jeanoc]

I am very sorry.  I feel your pain...Your life sounds very familiar to mine.  My step daughter didn't want me and my husband to talk at all either and if we did then she would come up with something to make it about her.  I guess It is important that people have a strong marriage when you have a BPD child or they will tear you apart.  It's not right and it's hard.  The thing that is the worst is watching how the other kids get pushed to the side because the BPD sucks all the attention away from them.  THen we are creating more screwed up situations.  My BPD doesn't live with us anymore and she 18 now.  She still every month does something to try to break her dad and I up tho.  My husband and I have our ups and downs and he will not talk about her. He gets very angry with me if I even bring up her name which isn't right either.  My therapists says the couple needs to be on the same page about the BPD and that their needs to be boundaries and they need to stick to them so she doesn't manipulate us separately.   If your husband will do that, I think you will start feeling alot better about control in your house.  My BPD is very very controlling and wants control of our marriage and our life.

[Mom4728]

Oh how I feel for you! My daughter is the same if me and my husband are together for any reason it means we hate her or we never spend time with her it’s so exhausting that me and my husband can barely talk because why trigger a blow up

[Sammy Jo]

Sounds like very similar situations. I'm curious about how old other's children were when they first noticed their ability to "manipulate" situations. When my daughter was about pretty young I remember talking about how cute it was that she could always manipulate us or her grandparents into getting her own way. Looking back now, I really believe it was an early sign. Wondering if anyone else can relate. Was your daughter like that early on? I get what you're saying about not talking to your husband much because she makes it almost impossible. I'm so sorry.

[Only Human]

Hi Sammy Jo

I join others in welcoming you to  bpdfamily   As you've already learned, you are not alone - we are all traveling similar paths, getting through with the help of family here.

I'm curious about how old other's children were when they first noticed their ability to "manipulate" situations.

I think my DD was in 8th grade when she said to me, "You were a lot easier to manipulate before you got a backbone." She has just turned 26 and still manipulates but she is aware that it's not how she wants to be.

She says her Dad is jealous of her talking to me and that he and I sleep together in the same bed and can talk all night.

How do you respond when she says stuff like this?

Have you thought about setting some rules for what happens when hubby/ dad gets home such as giving the two of you at least fifteen minutes of uninterrupted conversation and then hearing from her afterwards or something like that?

Faith's suggestion is a good one, how do you think that would go over with your daughter?

Most of us have learned that we must change the way we communicate with our children with BPD - and we are supporting each other as we learn, none of this is intuitive and it takes practice. We've lots of communication tools here that have helped us to have more peace in our homes. It's not easy and it's not perfect, but it is better.

Have you had a chance to look around the site? A good place to begin is the post pinned to the top of this board, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE. It's got many of our best articles with links to more. Have a look and come back here with any questions - we want to help

Again, welcome! I look forward to getting to know you and how we can best support you.

~ OH