Why Do Those Who Treat Non-BPD Terribly Get Treated Better Than Family?

[Danali60]

Good morning everyone!

In mid-April, my son's uBPD girlfriend left the relationship.  Myself, my husband and my oldest son assured him that we are here for him for support or whatever he may need.  We have been there for him and demonstrated this numerous times.  However, those who have treated him so poorly throughout his relationship, including of course the uBPD, along with others, get treated so much better than we do!  I get smart remarks from him that are disrespectful, hurtful, and leave me stunned.  I feel we are not being treated as "family" but more so as a tool for his benefits, mainly watching our grandson.  When he comes over he basically feels he is "off duty" and everyone else will do everything for his son.  He never contributes to anything (Mother's Day gift, my husband's birthday, etc) money-wise, food-wise, etc...  If he owes us money, we have to remind him over and over and over until we get paid back.  These are just a few examples.

On the other hand, he has an ADT system on his house.  Even though this break up occurred 1-1/2 months ago, his uBPD still has the code since he has not changed it.  We had to go by there while he was at work the other day because we forgot something and told him the day before around what time we would be there.  We rang the bell several times, which each time alerts his phone (as well as hers) and she is able to see us and hear us.  My son never answered our calls and she was the one who finally let us in after standing out there for over 10 minutes!  He told us he was "conversing" with someone and couldn't be interrupted! 

I have posted on the law board in the recent past regarding legal issues and many have talked about the importance of documentation and any proof than can corroborate what is going on.  He asked if I could help him with it, which I agreed and just made up a simple document on Word.  Well, obviously the information has to come from him, like when he has his child and when she does, and any other events that occur of importance.  He has let it go by the wayside unless I call or text him in order to fill it in.  This is not my responsibility.  The reason I continue to do it is because I have a 3 year old grandson at stake who may very well go full time to her if he is not able to show that he has his child over 80% of the time so far.  His attorney even emphasized the importance of this documentation for just this reason. At this point, I am tired of begging for information, but do not feel this should be a "teaching moment" for my son to suffer consequences because it will indeed be my 3 year old grandson suffering the consequences of possibly ending up with his mother most of the time. 

So, you have him not participating in the documentation unless reminded constantly, making hurtful remarks here and there, expecting so much from us, but hardly anything from anyone else (those who have hurt him or betrayed him), and they seem to get the best treatment of all, while we are sitting here hurt and bewildered!

Examples of him still catering to his ex-uBPD are:  Taking her daughter (not his) whenever she asks for reasons that do not make sense, allowing her 24-hour access to his house by still knowing the code (we obviously don't have the code), allowing her to use his house as a "free storage unit" as she can come and go whenever to pick up things here and there, NOT telling her about the papers he had drawn up by his attorney for 50/50 custody with no child support, and basically still allowing her to run the show.  Her daughter, age 5, is becoming a mini version of her.  She has many behavioral issues going on, especially bullying and ordering people around and yet, he continues to keep her overnight because the ex-uBPD "needs help" on the nights she works at the bar until 2:00 a.m., so he keeps her overnight on those night.  Perfect setup, my son, for if and when she decides to make false allegations against you for child abuse or sexual abuse!  No one pays any attention to this little girl's hygiene either - when she was at our house on Sunday, she used the bathroom and did number 1 and number 2, both without using any toilet paper on herself!  The neglect is terrible and it is no longer my son's job to be doing these type of things, but he just keeps on taking her.

So...I guess I'm wondering if anyone has seen someone still putting up with all of this stuff after they have been told that they were no longer loved by the BP, have cheated on him, is now involved with another man who she had stay in her bed the very first night her children were with her in her new apartment, and on and on and on.  He is either doing these things out of fear of making her mad or he has a need to always be "the good guy, the nice guy."  Doesn't he see how far that got him?

On the other hand, those that love him unconditionally and are here for him, do things for him, etc., he treats disrespectfully and only seems to come around when it is to his benefit.  I don't get it.  It is truly hurtful and confusing.

Any thoughts?  I'm betting since this is my first experience with this kind of thing, many of you have seen it before, but at this time I am blind to it.  Please help me open my eyes to it all.  I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes!

[Turkish]

You could use SET, or you could be direct:

"You're being an ass. What's going on,  and what do you want?"

What are your thoughts on letting him experience the natural consequences of his actions or inactions?

This is tough with innocent children in the mix. 

Maybe I nicer approach:

"You seem angry. What's going on?"

[Notwendy]

I saw this pattern in my family. My BPD mother was verbally cruel to my father, spent money on any thing she wanted ( he was the earner in the family) while he worked hard to make ends meet, and she acted like an out of control teenager. We kids- were pretty good kids and didn't behave poorly, yet he'd be quick to reprimand us and we didn't dare behave like she did.

Yet, no matter what her behavior was like, he treated her like a queen, did things for her. I understand that his wife should be his main priority, but also seemed he treated the person who treated him the worse better than his other family members who cared about him ( he is deceased).

I began to understand this when I faced my own co-dependent tendencies. These kinds of behaviors can run in families and through no fault of my own ( or yours), I realized I did this to some extent too. I strive to treat others kindly and with respect, but somehow forget to include myself in this. Every child wants their parents' approval and I would try so hard to get this from my parents, yet BPD mother didn't treat me well. My father did- when he could but it was inconsistent. I found that I too, would do kind things for people who treated me poorly to hopefully convince them that I was worth being treated nicely too- that somehow my actions would result in them "seeing the light" and finally validating that I was a good person worthy of their love.

Until I learned that this doesn't work. My ethics state that I treat people with respect, but that can also include me. To people who are abusive: I don't want to be treated abusively and it is up to me to have a boundary for that, rather than expect them to understand this.

Do you see that you are doing the same thing with your son that he's doing with his ex partner? Of course you love him, but he's treating you like an a$$ and you are still doing things for him, expecting him to treat you better. But it doesn't work that way. When we do this- we actually reinforce their behavior- yes, you can treat me poorly but here, let me do this for you.

Turkish made a good point- natural consequences. If people do nice things for you and you treat them poorly- well then they may not be so willing to do them.

It's important that we don't return the same behavior and treat others poorly. We just need to treat ourselves kindly too. Also don't let the grandson be hurt by this. He's innocent. If you can watch him, do it for him, not your son. But for other things like loaning him money- well he hasn't paid you back so- no more money. Disrespectful remarks?  Disengage from the conversation- leave the room, hang up the phone. I know you love your son, but he's an adult now, and if he hasn't learned to treat his parents with respect, then it's time to learn that you aren't going to open your wallet or help someone who treats you like this.