Witholding affection

[Depression = 72% of members]

When uBPDh is dysregulated, he witholds affection from me.  No touching, no kissing, no "I love you"s, nothing intimate of course.  If you try to touch him, he would literally say "DO NOT touch me".  Sometimes he will tell me because I'm xyz, I don't deserve to touch him.

It used to make me really sad because I think affection is a big part of any relationship.  And I think he is therefore happy about it, because the punishment served its purpose.  Sometimes he would act as though he wants affection just to purposely withdraw from me.  But then when he is back to baseline and wants affection, you need to reciprocate, otherwise that would trigger him as well, since he will say "I have already forgiven you and you're acting like a b**ch".  So basically, everything on his terms.

He does it enough times and you learn not to expect stuff from him.  You learn to live without affection for days on end.  I still crave affection and intimacy but you adapt, right?But I'm human, and I can't just "snap out of it" when he wants to be affectionate.  I have my self-protection mechanism to keep myself from being disappointed all over again. 

Have you experienced this and how can you reconcile the two?  Because I can see that if I adapt enough to not even desire affection from him one day, it's as well as not having any relationship at all, and I don't really want that.

[Chosen]

When uBPDh is dysregulated, he witholds affection from me.  No touching, no kissing, no "I love you"s, nothing intimate of course.  If you try to touch him, he would literally say "DO NOT touch me".  Sometimes he will tell me because I'm xyz, I don't deserve to touch him.

It used to make me really sad because I think affection is a big part of any relationship.  And I think he is therefore happy about it, because the punishment served its purpose.  Sometimes he would act as though he wants affection just to purposely withdraw from me.  But then when he is back to baseline and wants affection, you need to reciprocate, otherwise that would trigger him as well, since he will say "I have already forgiven you and you're acting like a b**ch".  So basically, everything on his terms.

He does it enough times and you learn not to expect stuff from him.  You learn to live without affection for days on end.  I still crave affection and intimacy but you adapt, right?But I'm human, and I can't just "snap out of it" when he wants to be affectionate.  I have my self-protection mechanism to keep myself from being disappointed all over again. 

Have you experienced this and how can you reconcile the two?  Because I can see that if I adapt enough to not even desire affection from him one day, it's as well as not having any relationship at all, and I don't really want that.

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[Warriorprincess]

Dear Chosen,
I completely understand what you’re going through. My W does this too. I have learned to live mostly without affection (which makes me sad), and I have some friends that I know I can go to for a hug anytime. But it hurts, and I don’t want it to be this way forever. I haven’t reconciled this yet, since I am just starting to implement the tools on this site, but I’ll let you know if I find anything that works. Currently, when she is in a good mood, I will just hug her or touch her hair. She usually says, “What?” Like I want something, and I just say, “I wanted a hug” or “it’s affection.” She has told me in the past that she needs affection and everyone needs it, but she still treats affection with skepticism or downright contempt when she’s pissed off.