Recognizing red flags and deprogramming a "freeze" response

[sklamath]

I believe a lot of us are on a journey to improve our boundaries not just within our FOO, but also with others. Do you have advice on recognizing red flags in interactions and setting boundaries *in the moment* with those outside of your family?

My natural response to high-conflict individuals is to freeze. It's certainly been my natural response when uBPD mom (currently NC) rages. But I'm also realizing that it's a habit that extends to other high-stress interpersonal situations, and after the fact I am shaken and upset with myself for not defending my boundaries. One of my biggest concerns with not being able to do this in the moment is that I probably display some passive-aggressive tendencies: on one interaction, I am a pushover. By the next interaction, I will have made up my mind that I am unwilling to take any crap.

Here's a recent example: I serve on a board (it's a volunteer position), and had someone call me in my middle of my workday. This person was very upset but also not behaving calmly, truthfully, or rationally--at one point saying, "I'm not threatening, but should I call a lawyer, sklamath?"--and I was shaking through the whole call. I felt an obligation to hear the person out, but I also realize I let the call go on way too long. Rational brain was saying "This person is not rational, and probably lying, and even if there is grounds for a lawsuit, you are insured." But lizard brain was saying, "OMG, is this person right? Did I mess something up?" 

Things I did right: reflected her concerns back to her, stuck to my talking points, remained verbally calm, and did not offer promises I could not make. Still, I recognize that the situation affected me more than it should have, and its annoying to see my pattern of not being able to establish and defend boundaries in real time. Grrr!

[podsnapG]

I can relate about the freezing up, especially when a conflict comes up out of the blue that you’re not prepared for. The physical response- freezing up, shaking or feeling rage over being wronged are all hard to manage.  Conflict is so unpleasant to me that my reaction has always been to try to diffuse the situation immediately. For me, being able to tolerate the discomfort of the moment seems a big part of it. It is good that you did so many things right in your phone call, even as you were feeling panicked/liizard brained  

I’ve had a couple of recent interactions with uBPD sister-in-law... one I was able to prepare for (and did pretty well maintaining boundaries) The last one was an unplanned phone call and a disaster. I did everything wrong- tried to maintain but got so flustered that I  JADEd and the situation devolved into a tangled mess of hurt. I don’t have a lot of experience yet handling these situations in a good way, so not being hard on myself and will learn from mistakes. In retrospect, I would have written down a sentence or key point to focus on and keep repeating, and would have ended the call when my physical reactions/ panic/ defensiveness started getting to be too much. Maybe ending it by saying “We aren’t going to resolve things in this phone call, maybe we can talk again when we’ had a chance to think it over” Click ?

Does anyone else have hints for keeping it together in the moment?

[Deb]

I can relate. Years ago, I was getting out of my car and the woman in the car next to me numped out and started screaming that I hit her car. I did not. But she was screaming calling me a fat w***e and a  b***h. I just stood there with my mouth open. People were staring. One odd thing I remember was her husband coming to see if there was damage. There wasn't because I didn't hit her car. But the look on his face! Now I realize he was trying to be invisible and get her out of there.