I don't think my sister is capable of emotional intimacy

[I Am Redeemed]

Well, I knew I would end up here eventually. The inevitable probing of why I tolerated abuse in my marriage led me to take a look at my FOO, and I am finding lots of answers there (surprised? I know you're not! I wasn't ).

Just for some background, here is a rundown of pertinent facts:

My mother was committed (voluntarily) to a psychiatric hospital in 1979 for severe depression. A few days after her release, she entertained guests in our home, dressed up, wore make-up, seemed happy and bubbly. Hours later, in the middle of the night, she went down into the basement and shot herself in the head. She lived, but was permanently disabled as a result. I was two years old at the time.

My sister, who is twenty-one years older than me, took over as my primary caretaker. My father also lived in the home, but he had his own issues and was not a hands-on dad by any means.

My r/s with my sister has always left me feeling alone. As a child, she and my dad would get into loud screaming matches. She would yell at both my parents, telling my mother how much she hated her for what she did, and telling my father how she wished he was dead. She would then unload all her resentment and anger towards them on me, telling me in detail how she wished my father would die (I wish he would get hit by a bus, I want to hit him in the head with the heaviest thing I can find, etc.) She would tell me how horrible he was. All the conflict between these three adults in the house was played out in terribly dysfunctional ways right in front of me; I was sheltered from nothing.

My sister was not supportive of me emotionally. I was frequently invalidated, though I didn't begin to understand that until recently. At times I remember her using the silent treatment to punish me when I did not act the way she wanted. The times I tried to share my feelings with her, I felt that she wasn't "getting it". She was the "parental role" in my life, but I felt more like her project. She taught me to read when I was three, and she pushed me to learn all sorts of different things (French lessons at age five, piano, violin, dance, tennis, swimming, memorizing all sorts of Bible verses and excelling at Bible drills) which doesn't seem wrong on the surface, but I always got the impression that my value rested in my ability to perform well and make her look good. She saw (and still sees) herself as a martyr.

My sister is only "supportive" of me if I am doing things she approves of and not getting in the way of something she wants. Even if what she wants is to raise my kids and have them call her "Mom" and me by my first name. (Yeah, she taught them to do that).

My sister has legal guardianship of my five oldest kids. Some of you may know that I lost custody of them due to the domestic violence I experienced in my r/s. Instead of providing support for me, my sister fought me for my kids. I can recount several instances where she directly interfered in my attempts to get on my feet and make headway towards getting my kids back. She disapproved of my relationship with uBPDh, and she used several manipulative, controlling tactics to make me look as bad as possible so she could take in my kids, be a martyr, and teach them to call her ''Mom". She even changed my oldest son's name, and then claimed that he exhibited behavior problems if anyone called him by his real first name (which happens to be the name of uBPDh's father, and she hates uBPDh).

Other examples of her insensitivity:

She decided that our last visit to see our mother alive was the opportune time to tell me that she hoped that I would not seek to regain custody of my kids and "try to take them away" from her and her husband. Yes. She brought this up while we were standing at my mother's death bed, just hours before Mom died.

She later told me that Mom probably didn't want me to bury her and Dad together, because she didn't even care when he died (not true). She said this in front of my kids. Then she told me that she let the funeral home bury my parents' ashes without a funeral, and without my knowledge, and with no family present. Told me this over lunch at Mickey D's with my kids.

This is getting too long of a post, but I just had to get some of this out. I had another experience tonight which showed me that my sister just does not connect emotionally, and there are things on my mind that concern me regarding my kids. So much more I could write about how the emotional insensitivity and invalidation I experienced affected me as a kid...but the worst part is that I see it happening now, with my own kids, who she is raising, and it is making me sick to think that they are possibly being emotionally damaged. I have some obstacles in my path to getting more time with them, so that maybe at least I can be that stable adult in their lives who validates them and lets them know they don't have to be perfect to be loveable. I am working on it. It's frustrating.

Sorry for the long post, it may not make much sense. I don't really think my sister has a personality disorder, but there is something way off with her. I'm not really describing it to the full extent. I don't know. That's enough for now.

[Kwamina]

Hi I Am Redeemed and welcome to PSI

Well, I knew I would end up here eventually. The inevitable probing of why I tolerated abuse in my marriage led me to take a look at my FOO, and I am finding lots of answers there (surprised? I know you're not! I wasn't  ).

Well there is this very old parrot saying: "No matter where you start out at, in the end all roads lead to PSI."

I am very sorry your mother had such severe mental issues. She even tried to take her own life, which is a traumatic event for the entire family. She survived, but was permanently disabled. You were only a 2 year old at the time, how was your relationship with your mother in the years after this happened?

So much more I could write about how the emotional insensitivity and invalidation I experienced affected me as a kid...but the worst part is that I see it happening now, with my own kids, who she is raising, and it is making me sick to think that they are possibly being emotionally damaged.

Your sister's behavior which you have described in this post, I would classify as rather disturbing. To me this sounds like more than just insensitivity and invalidation, it sounds like very abusive and controlling behavior.

I don't really think my sister has a personality disorder, but there is something way off with her.

Whether she has a PD or not, her behavior is concerning and I can understand how and why this would affect you so much as a child and now also as an adult. Do you feel like your sister has ever acknowledged that there might be something wrong with the way she treats you and that she has certain issues of her own? Has she ever shown any genuine insights into her own dysfunctional behavior?

Did your sister as far as you know get any kind of counseling after your mother attempted to take her own life? I can imagine this event greatly impacted your sister.

Take care and glad to see you reaching out for support on PSI

The Board Parrot

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Kwamina!

Well there is this very old parrot saying: "No matter where you start out at, in the end all roads lead to PSI."
The Board Parrot

They really do, don't they? Kind of how the Yellow Brick Road ultimately led Dorothy back to Kansas, and her relationships there. Tracing some of my negative core beliefs (especially the main, foundational, negative core belief of "I'm not good enough") back to my childhood makes me feel like I was set up for failure in relationships and I am struggling with a mixture of anger and empathy for my FOO. A very strange combination.

I am very sorry your mother had such severe mental issues. She even tried to take her own life, which is a traumatic event for the entire family. She survived, but was permanently disabled. You were only a 2 year old at the time, how was your relationship with your mother in the years after this happened?

I didn't know how to have a r/s with my mother. She remained on amitriptyline (tricyclic anti-depressant) the rest of her life. The suicide attempt caused her to have a stroke, which partially paralyzed her and made her a bit "foggy" (I don't know how else to describe it). I don't know how she was before the suicide attempt, but my sister said she was never the same after that. She loved me though, and I loved her, but having a close relationship with her gave me extreme anxiety. I did not know how to connect with her.

I found out when I was twelve that my mother was the way she was because of a suicide attempt. I internalized that. I was already showing signs of struggling with my own depressive disorder, and by the time I was twenty-one I had turned to the abuse of prescription drugs to manage my symptoms (to my sister's credit, she did take me to a counselor when I was twelve, but I stopped going after the major depressive episode). I carried the belief that I was "not enough" to prevent my mother from trying to kill herself. Why would she rather die than raise me? I did not understand how severe her mental illness was until later in life, and then I began to have a different perspective. I didn't find out about her hospitalization until I was in a psychiatric hospital myself at the age of 33, being treated for a dual diagnosis of MDD and substance abuse disorder (there are slightly different versions of why my mother was released; one sister said her doctor changed her meds and then released her, then moved out of town; the other sister said Mother found out she was taking a placebo and petitioned the board for her release).

I wish I could have formed a closer r/s with my mom, but I just did not know how. My own limitations with r/s skills and my anxiety disorder kept me from forming a close connection. I remember avoiding visiting her in the nursing home, because I would have an anxiety attack when I would try to go, and even before she died I carried the guilt from being "not good enough" to be able to overcome the anxiety and try to form a r/s with her. My sister furthered this guilt by pointedly asking me in an accusing tone, "when's the last time you went to see Mother?"

I don't know if my sister ever got counseling after Mother's suicide attempt. I know that she has briefly seen a counselor for anxiety and depression, as recently as five years ago. She took an anti-depressant for a while, as well as Xanax, but I don't know if she still takes them. My sister is not big on mental health. She acknowledges the need for it sometimes, but she is not very understanding of people who struggle with it indefinitely. I think she sees it like having the flu or something- you go to the doctor, you get treated for a little while, then you move on with life.

Your sister's behavior which you have described in this post, I would classify as rather disturbing. To me this sounds like more than just insensitivity and invalidation, it sounds like very abusive and controlling behavior.

I literally cried when I read this. After posting, I thought that maybe I was overreacting, that I might be exaggerating, and that no one would believe me if I tried to tell them the impact this relationship had on me as a child and that I fear for my own kids now. My sister is a "model citizen." She goes to church every Sunday and Wednesday, has friends in the church (with whom she triangulated in her "get Redeemed's kids" operation) and she does not drink, do drugs, fight with her husband, or do anything else that would look ''dysfunctional" She condemns people who do these types of things. She is judgmental and always thinks she is right. I believe she discarded me when I began to show signs of being "flawed", because she saw it as a reflection of her ability to raise me "right", and she cannot tolerate imperfection.

I see this happening now with my kids. My D10 has a problem with lying and not doing what she is told. If there is something she wants to do, she just does it. My sister's approach to that is to ask her "how do you think that makes me feel when you do that?" and use a guilting/shaming way of trying to induce remorse in my child. D10 needs to be seen, understood, and validated. I can plainly see that she has the "I'm not good enough" narrative going on in her head, and I want to do whatever I can to counteract that, which is hard, because for the last five years I have been on supervised visitation with my kids (long story, the courts basically left me hanging and I am working on trying to get that remedied now).

Example: last night was my three daughters' dance recital. They were lovely. I took dance as a kid, and it was wonderful to see my beautiful daughters enjoying something I loved so much when I was young. They did great! It was an Alice in Wonderland theme, and it was so cute. When it was over, both my oldest daughters rushed out to me, D11 first, and I hugged her tight and told her how good she did and how proud I was. D10 was hanging back; she is used to D11 being in the spotlight. I made sure to grab D10 in a big hug and tell her she did so well, and I was so proud of her, and loved her so much. She immediately started crying, and I started crying, and my sister looked at us like we had three heads and said "why is she crying? I told her I was proud of her last night and she didn't cry."

It seemed like the complexity of that loaded emotional moment was lost on her. She is only capable of seeing it on the surface. It simply did not occur to her that both I and my children still suffer from the separation and rift that has happened in our relationship, and it did not occur to her that my daughter misses me and longs for my approval, because I am still her mother.

In my sister's mind, she stripped me of that title long ago, and doesn't see how profoundly this has affected either my children or me.

[Cat Familiar]

It's pretty obvious where the "I'm not good enough" belief came from. Instead of loving the little girl you were, your sister treated you like a trained seal. The upside was that she supported you intellectually and introduced you to a variety of activities. However, there was no "mothering" that you received from her. Is it any wonder that you have 6 children to mother? That is a way to make up for the experience you never got. Unfortunately she's getting in the way of that too.   

[I Am Redeemed]

It's pretty obvious where the "I'm not good enough" belief came from. Instead of loving the little girl you were, your sister treated you like a trained seal.

That's exactly how I felt. I still find myself trying to highlight things I am doing that are positive to gain her approval. Her way of thinking and doing everything has become the way I judge myself.

However, there was no "mothering" that you received from her. Is it any wonder that you have 6 children to mother? That is a way to make up for the experience you never got. Unfortunately she's getting in the way of that too.   

Yep. Nail on the head. I was seeking to find the relationship I never had, by having kids of my own. I was basically an only child, since all of my siblings were grown when I was born. I never had a relationship with my dad's first two kids. I have never met my brother, nor spoken to him. He disowned my dad after he and his first wife divorced.

I wanted to have the family I never got. This is another reason why I persisted so hard in trying to get uBPDh into treatment, so I could fulfill the fantasy of the healthy, normal family I always wanted. Even without him, I still feel that I could have that with my kids. My sister has never respected boundaries, and she seems to feel that I don't deserve to be my kids' mom because I could not let an abusive relationship go. Instead of supporting me, she turned against me, and tried to alienate my kids from me.

Recently, I got two books to read. One is ''Divorce Poison", recommended on the Family/Law board. It describes ways in which divorcing partners try to alienate children from the other parent, and I can see my sister using many of these tactics to further the rift between my children and me.

I also have been reading "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents", which I found to be extremely eye-opening as well.

[Kwamina]

The road to PSI often does involve tears  

My sister has never respected boundaries, and she seems to feel that I don't deserve to be my kids' mom because I could not let an abusive relationship go. Instead of supporting me, she turned against me, and tried to alienate my kids from me.  

You are in a difficult situation since your sister has legal guardianship of your 5 oldest kids. This might at times require you to tread lightly, but still, boundaries will be crucial as you move forward. Whether your sister respects boundaries or not, the most important thing is that you set and defend your boundaries tp protect yourself and your kids. You cannot control your sister, but you can focus on controlling your own behavior and how you respond to her.

In my sister's mind, she stripped me of that title long ago, and doesn't see how profoundly this has affected either my children or me.

The reality in your sister's mind is her reality which she tries to project onto you and everyone else. Whether she has a PD or not, she does seem to exhibit distorted thinking and perception which translates into certain difficult behaviors which have had serious consequences for you and your family.

To help you deal with your sister, it might helpt to consider the various communication techniques described on this site such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N. The stakes are of course high since she has legal guardianship of your 5 oldest kids. These communication techniques can help you assert yourself and communicate with her in a structured and constructive manner, maximizing your chances of getting through to her while also helping you stay more calm yourself. Have you ever considered applying these (and other) techniques from this site to your sister?

[I Am Redeemed]

I don't know why it never occurred to me to use the tools with her until today. I know the tools theoretically, but practicing them regularly isn't something I have been doing.

But I guess I need to move from theory into practice.

[Harri]

I Redeemed! Welcome to PSI.  It is a great place to come when working through really intense and difficult issues and you have certainly been through a lot.   

Parrot and Cat have pretty much said everything I would say (that's what I get for being late!) so I do not have much to add.

I am glad you joined us here though sorry for the need.   Share as you feel comfortable.  We get it.  In a lot of ways I made more progress with the support I got here than I did in some of my therapy.

See you around.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks Harri,

I'm in a break from counseling, as my T ended her internship at the dv office and is transitioning to her permanent place to practice. I will continue with her in EMDR therapy in July through a subcontract with the dv office. But at the moment, I am struggling with some intense emotions and thoughts.

I feel responsible for losing my kids. I feel responsible for the trauma done to them. I also struggle with the way things played out with CPS, because I think that regardless of the situation, I experienced some injustice and was put in a no win situation.

I also think that I was taught to accept abuse and control, then I was cast as a defective person for accepting abuse and control from stbx.

I am swinging between the extremes of feeling that I was set up for failure, treated unfairly, left alone without support and betrayed, and the opposite of that which is feeling guilty and totally, ultimately responsible for not protecting myself, my kids, losing them, and failing them.

I realize that there is truth in all of this, but the polarization is not balanced. I think I need to move towards balance in my perception and radically accept what is so I can move forward.

How to do that...

[Harri]

Hi again.

I read your post last night and had to think about it.  I am not sure how to answer this

How to do that...

though I am sure you are not expecting me to answer it for you. 

I do know we can help you work through a lot of the emotions, again walking beside you as always.   

I realize that there is truth in all of this, but the polarization is not balanced. I think I need to move towards balance in my perception and radically accept what is so I can move forward.

Yeah, that is the crappy thing about polarization isn't it.  So lets center you.  We can't change what happened.  There is some truth is what is being said.  There is a lot that was out of your hands, starting from the way you were raised,  to how others have handled the situation right?

So I think radical acceptance, which you probably already do and know about, would involve accepting what happened and working to effect change (which you are already doing).

Regarding the guilt, there were choices you made based on what you knew at the time.  Turkish always says something like "we do what we know and when we know better we do better" (sorry Turkish, I sort of mangled that!).

There is something I learned about here as I struggled with accepting some of the choices I made that had a significant impact on me, my life and how long my sexual abuse lasted.  A member presented me with the term conditioned choice.  My last T said it is another way to look at having been groomed to act in certain ways, or another word for grooming.  So yes, I exercised free will and made choices as an adult that were not healthy and were instead based on a history of abuse and dysfunction.

That still makes me feel angry and I still grieve but there is balance and understanding there too.  The idea of conditioned choice took a long while to set in as I kept working away here.  As a matter of fact, it was almost a year after the member first posted that to me that light bulbs went of and self centering began to really work... as did having compassion for me and who I was then and who I am now.

So I don't know if me going into monologue mode here has helped or not.  I hope so... or maybe it will inspire you to find your own term and mantra to hang onto.

Either way, we've got you.

[I Am Redeemed]

No, Harri, I didn't expect you to answer that, per se. But you did, because you are helping center me, and I can use what you said to help center myself when my thoughts get out of balance.

Conditioned choice. Yes, I think that fits.

I am also realizing that my unbalanced viewpoints stem from both my tendency to buy into my sister's reality, thus second guessing myself (hello, parallel pattern of my abusive marriage), and my desire to completely reject it and make it 100% not true by seeing myself as a victim.

Neither are empowering. Centering is empowering. Centering moves me away from places where I freeze or fawn.

Thank you.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad my rambling response helped a bit.  

I am also realizing that my unbalanced viewpoints stem from both my tendency to buy into my sister's reality, thus second guessing myself (hello, parallel pattern of my abusive marriage), and my desire to completely reject it and make it 100% not true by seeing myself as a victim.

Are you familiar with self-differentiation?  I used to think of them as internal or emotional boundaries but that is not really accurate.  It is about being who we are and not allowing other people to define us either with their words or opinions.

A lot of us here and especially on this board. struggle with a poorly differentiated self after growing up the way we did; our opinions, feelings, etc did not matter and that is assuming we were even capable of forming our own.  Everything revolved around another as it had to for survival.    Their opinions and beliefs of us pretty much define(d) us and color(ed) our reality.  

Check out Bowen's Family Systems Theory and the 8 concepts.  He talks about differentiation (I think he coined the term) and triangulation, both healthy and unhealthy that occurs in all relationships.  The Bowen center has videos on youtube that are quite good as well.  

See what you think.

I do not mean to keep bombarding you with stuff if you already know it but especially while you are having intense emotions and thoughts.

Take it slow... or fast!  haha  you know yourself better than I do.

 

[I Am Redeemed]

I took a look at the link. I think I understand what he is saying. I will look more thoroughly into this self differentiation, because I think there's something there.

Self differentiation is new to me, in more ways than one. I wasn't aware of what the term meant.

Not only did I not have a safe environment in which to develop a self, I used to read constantly, and then pretend I was one of the characters in the book. This went on from age four to age twelve. I didn't know who I was, because I was always pretending to be someone else as a means of coping with my reality.

[Harri]

Not only did I not have a safe environment in which to develop a self, I used to read constantly, and then pretend I was one of the characters in the book. This went on from age four to age twelve. I didn't know who I was, because I was always pretending to be someone else as a means of coping with my reality.

It is actually a remarkable coping skill that you used to help yourself.  Quite creative.  I did similar as have several others here.   It is sad though that you had to hide yourself (at least that is the way I am interpreting it). 

What sort of characters did you pretend to be?   Was it a sort of play therapy you used for yourself?  I had a whole vibrant world in my head (check out paracosms) and, don't laugh , I still have parts of that world that I do not want to give up.  I believe this world I created was part of what saved me from being even more messed up from my childhood.

[I Am Redeemed]

Harri,

I think it definitely was a play therapy. I can remember reading Curious George books when I was four, and pretending that I was George and that my sister was the man with the yellow hat. I also remember at about age six that I read some books about a little witch named Dorrie, and her mother the Big Witch, so I pretended to be Dorrie. At age eight, I read To Kill a Mockingbird, and I pretended to be Scout off and on for a few years (I read that book several times; it's still one of my favorites.

Other characters I remember were Laura Ingalls, Ramona from the Beverly Cleary series, and the various characters of the Babysitter's Club.

Apparently, this started before I could even read. My sister told me that when I was two, I would tell people my name was "Bo", from the Dukes of Hazzard. Lol.

I was alone a lot as a kid. I had friends from church and school that would sometimes come over, or I would go to their house, but we lived on the outskirts of town in the country, and I spent lots of time alone. Reading and imaginative play was how I entertained myself, and it extended to where I was constantly narrating everything in my head as if my life was a story and everyone was a character.

I remember consciously deciding that I was too old to be doing that at the age of twelve. But once I stopped, I felt lost and empty. This coincided with a move to a different town, and it kicked off my first major depressive episode.

[I Am Redeemed]

Ok, I read about paracosms. It's similar to what I did, but I didn't create another world with fixed details or characters. Mine was always changing. I basically made up stories in my head as I went through daily life, and assigned character roles to myself and others.

Talking about this reminded me of something funny. I remember turning in a worksheet in kindergarten where we were all supposed to print our names at the top. When my teacher got mine, she said "Who is Bunny Foo Foo?" Lol no wonder my kids named their pet rabbit that years later.

[Harri]

   Little bunny Foo Foo!  UI learned part of the lyrics back in 2013 (had never heard of bunny foo foo before)
Little bunny Foo Foo
Hopping through the forest
Scooping up the field mice
And boppin' 'em on the head!
 

I remember consciously deciding that I was too old to be doing that at the age of twelve. But once I stopped, I felt lost and empty. This coincided with a move to a different town, and it kicked off my first major depressive episode.

What a huge loss this time was!  Losing your inner world was like losing you.  How bewildering that must have been. on top of moving someplace unfamiliar. 

[Cat Familiar]

I had my own little world with imaginary friends, who often were more fun than the friends in real life.

[I Am Redeemed]

Well. I got some news today, and it is causing a restless feeling in me, as if there are cracks in a dam that are about to burst forth.

I have been trying unsuccessfully to contact my court-appointed attorney (assigned to me over six years ago when CPS first came on the scene) about filing a petition to lift the supervised visitation off of me, finally. She has not returned my calls. I realize that this case has gone on for a long time, but she told me the last time I spoke with her that she was still my attorney as long as there were avenues to pursue regarding custody. Fine. But she isn't returning my calls, and I know that my case is not a priority to her. So, I had decided to see about hiring another attorney, which I can't really afford to do at the moment, but, so be it. I'll make a way.

My sister told me over lunch today that she spoke to her husband about the problems I was having getting the petition filed quickly. I had hoped to have it in this month. The small town where the case is held only has these hearings once a month. So my sister and her husband have decided that, since they have permanent guardianship, they can decide to bestow upon me the right to see my kids unsupervised, especially since CPS is no longer involved and closed the case over three years ago. My sister said it will save me money on an attorney.

Now, at first glance, this should make me happy. I will finally get to see my kids more than one hour a week. They will get to come to my house, spend the night; I can pick them up and take them to their various dance, gymnastics, and soccer practices, etc. And it does make me happy, it really does.

But: there is another element to this that is gnawing away at me.

My sister claimed that she didn't want me to see them unsupervised because she didn't want ubpdh to be around them. Now that I have been out of the r/s for a year and a half, she has decided that I can have unsupervised visitation.

So many things are wrong with this. One, this speaks to the level of control my sister has managed to achieve over my life and my kids' lives. Two, it speaks to her sense of entitlement to have that control. Three, it makes me nervous, because if my visitation with my kids is based not on a court order but is solely at her discretion (because she believes she has that right as their guardian), then she can take it away as quickly as she gave it, which means she can use it as a dysfunctional tool to control me (and has already been doing this, on some level), and four, I think this "gifting" of visitation to me is based more on her needs than mine or my kids' (she wants a break from them, especially D10 and S7- she actually told them that if they don't shape up, she will make them stay with me instead of taking them to Disney World with the rest of the family) and it just pisses me off the way she can take her sense of entitlement and dress it up and present it like she's doing me a favor.

I'm sitting with all of this, and trying to process it. I will, of course, take the time with my kids, gladly. But I am not keen on accepting whatever scraps she wants to throw at me as if I am a beggar in my own children's lives. I think my best course of action will be to begin the visitation as she suggests, but still consult a family attorney as soon as it is financially feasible for me to do so (hopefully within the next few months- it cost me over $3,000 to move into my own place and get some of the necessary things for the house that I didn't have.

There is an anger simmering in me, and I do not like it. I am not good friends with anger, as I usually stuff it until I explode.

[Cat Familiar]

I've got a strategy for those types of situations, when I see somebody "doing me a favor" that really benefits them.

First of all, I like to have a plan in place. You do already. You are planning on speaking with an attorney, perhaps it's the court-appointed one, perhaps one you hire when you can afford it.

Then I look for the "win" for me. For you, it's unsupervised visitation.

The next step is to look at how it "benefits" the "gifter" and you see that it gives her a break from your older kids. That gives you a bit of leverage as you can choose when it best fits your schedule, rather than hers. Also you're very clear that this "gift" comes with strings, so therefore isn't truly a "gift" at all.

Though it doesn't change the material facts of the situation, I think clarity is really helpful. And having clarity and seeing people's motivations helps dispel anger, because you know the way the situation is set up is about them, not you.

[Harri]

Hi.

I would not like feeling that way either.  A couple things that still bother me a lot is feeling like I am being played for a fool or am being manipulated.  Well, I don't think anyone like feeling that way.  I just have to work very hard to not let my emotional reactions rule me.   I am glad you were able to do this in spite of feeling the way you do.   

One recommendation is to document every time you have the kids and for how long.  You might be able to use this info to help you get your kids back.   Document conversations with them as well.  Can you record on your phone? 

Can the DV center help you get a lawyer?  Things have changed so much in 6 years.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks for helping me look at this a little differently, Cat.

I think I am actually angry at myself for letting this situation happen in the first place, and for taking so long to get myself stable. I am angry that I am a passive, fearful, conflict avoidant person who lets stronger personalities intimidate her.

I think there is some core shame at the root of this anger.

Harri,

Good idea about documentation, I do plan to use this to my advantage possibly.

DV services can only refer me to legal services for a divorce. Another expense, because I have to pay the filing fee. Upside is that I am planning to do that next month, and I will possibly be able to at least get resources for good family attorneys who might at least do free consultations, then I can gauge what type of financial situation is ahead.

[Panda39]

Hi Redeemed, I'm just following along but want to chime in on your sister giving you permission to see your children unsupervised.  The supervised visitation was court ordered I assume so to me it isn't up to your sister grant this. 

I know how very much you want this but I caution you about taking her up on the offer because you could be breaking a court order and if you do that could be used against you.

I agree with the others (there is something she wants behind this) is sounds like your sister loves the prestige she receives (what an amazing sister she is for taking on your kids  ) by taking care of your kids but the actual care taking of 5 kids it turns out isn't that easy.

Please consult with an attorney before acting on this.  You can often get a legal consultation for a few hundred dollars without actually hiring the attorney.  You could also run this by the folks on the Legal Board for their thoughts.

Panda39

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, Panda,

Yes, this does make me nervous a bit, because I don't want to jeopardize anything. I expressed those concerns to my sister, and she said "well, if you don't want to, that's fine, but what are they going to do? CPS is out of it. The case has been closed for years. They're not going to get involved again and come and take these kids because you're around them when you're doing great."

The court order was initiated by CPS, and when the case was closed, the visitation was not addressed. The center who provided my supervised visitation continued to do so for a while after the case was closed, mostly because they saw that my sister was incredibly difficult to deal with and they felt that without a structured setup, she would make it very hard for me to see my kids. She would schedule vacations and swimming lessons that conflicted with the visitation times and I would never receive make-up time. This was mainly done as a way of protesting my r/s with ubpdh. She decided that if I was still going to be with him, she would make it as hard as possible on me because I didn't deserve to see my kids. After the intern who supervised my visits graduated and moved on, the center said they could no longer provide visitation, because they didn't have the staff to do so and were not obligated to since mine was no longer a CPS case.

[GaGrl]

Is the placement of your children with your sister done through the state foster child system? And if so, does your sister get a stipend from the state for each child? If so, she is getting a hefty check each month in addition to the accolades.

[I Am Redeemed]

Gagrl,
I may need to move this to Family Law, as Panda suggests, but yes, there is a complex history here:

2013 when my kids were first removed, my sister took my two oldest girls (relative custody), but not my youngest sons. Her husband stated that he "didn't want any part of ubpdh''. My oldest girls have a different father. I think this was previously arranged, because CPS did not mention having to do a background check or drug test on my sister, as they said they would have to do with other family members who we suggested as possible placements for my boys. The girls went straight to her that day.

2014 I got custody back of my two oldest girls for two weeks. My sister was angry that they were coming back to me. We lived in the same neighborhood; once she was walking past my house and my kids called out to her, but she gave them the silent treatment (because they were with us).

Shortly thereafter, a new CPS investigation was launched claiming allegations of abuse against my two oldest daughters.

They were removed again, just two weeks after I got custody back. My sister refused to take them back because she said she couldn't afford it, as CPS had not helped her with daycare the first time.

By this time I had given birth to my fifth child. The girls were placed in a foster home, and the boys were placed in a separate foster home (they were living with me but I had not officially gained custody back of them yet.)

Fall of 2014 my sister decided to become a foster parent and get my boys this time. She began getting paid to be a foster parent and went into early retirement from her job (my sister is 62; she was 58 at the time).

2015 my sixth child was born. CPS made no move to remove him from my custody, and he has remained with me since birth. Simultaeously, they began proceedings to give my sister guardianship. She only wanted the boys, which she already had, and my youngest daughter (the three kids in foster care that I shared with ubpdh). CPS tried to push joint custody of my oldest daughters on their biological father (a bipolar drug addict who had barely been in their lives since we split up) and his parents. His parents said they couldn't take on any more kids, as his mom had cancer. Bio dad gained unsupervised visits before I did. He went to one visit, then disappeared for months. Ended up back in jail for stealing a car.

2015 all of my girls went to my sister. Their counselor advised that they not be split up, and said he saw no reason why they should not be returned to their primary parent (me). CPS placed them all in my sister's house as foster kids. She accused the foster parents of not wanting my oldest girls (actually, they just thought it would be too traumatic for them to be left behind while their little sister went to my sister's). She said she took them in because they were unwanted.

2016 my sister received permanent guardianship. The judge said he did it to achieve stability for the kids, because he could see that CPS was playing games with me, revising my permanency plan steps, accusing me of refusing services, and going against court orders to provide the judge with an outline of what, exactly, they wanted me to do. They came up with ridiculous things that could not be achieved, made no practical sense, but delayed the case long enough that they could claim the time that had passed as reason enough to give my sister guardianship. It worked.

My sister now receives nearly $4,000 a month in a subsidy from the state, yet she took me to court and asked the judge to grant her back child support from me. He did.

Sorry this was so long. It's even more complicated than this; this is the distilled version  

[Harri]

Hi again.  I would definitely take the legal questions to the Law board.   There is a lot of knowledge and wisdom there.

In the meantime, I imagine that there is a boat load or two of pain and frustration you are dealing with there.    

My sister now receives nearly $4,000 a month in a subsidy from the state, yet she took me to court and asked the judge to grant her back child support from me. He did.

Um, yeah, that does not sound right at all.  Definitely use the resources we have here over at Law.