Pull up a chair. You'll fit right in here
Thanks, that means a lot. I spent a fair bit of time when I was younger in forums like this and there's a comfort here. So much better than public things like facebook. Thank you.
That is no small feat. I'm sure there's quite a story there.
Ha, yeah. I think for fun one day I calculated what it would take to print. I think I would need 200lbs of paper just for one of the filings.
I don't even know where to begin to be honest.
I'm not sure what semi-public profile means, but I would guess that your work is in some part dependent on having an *uncomplicated* reputation?
Yes, exactly. I'm compensated in some/most part based on how I can help the image and appeal of organizations, however nowhere near the level anyone would want to deal with anything complex over, so I'd likely just get a polite "thanks for everything and see you later" if this came up and I'd be without work, as has happened twice previously.
Your ex sounds to be BPD +, more like a high-conflict personality (HCP) the way Eddy defines them. All those false accusations, wow. I can understand why you'd want somewhere that feels safe.
What kind of access restrictions are appropriate given what happened?
In general I think it would be best if ex just moved on. I think that's unlikely but not impossible. In the absence of that, I think only brief supervised contact is appropriate.
Although I have heard there's an issue with children idolising a parent they have little/no contact with, so now I'm think I need to focus more on building up our child's coping mechanisms and just letting it play out, as long as our child is with me 80%+ of the time.
Did it come out in your custody situation whether mom has a psychiatric illness? Will this court expert be sympathetic to the false allegations you've experienced in your case?
To a degree, but in first case not enough to be the emphasis. They really seem to think if you're not hitting the kid, then there's nothing to deal with.
I think we can suponea records of psychiatrist so perhaps something in there could help.
Do you feel comfortable sharing what you'd like to say to the expert? Maybe we can help you with the phrasing so you get your message across in the most strategic way.
Ex is not focused on the child.
Ex uses our child as a means to have relationship with me. In every call uses language our child doesn't understand to try to impress me. Many ongoing instances of this and evidence.
Ex uses our child for emotional support. After parting company spoke endlessly about how hard it was for them and displayed a fraction of the interest in child's emotions. Harder to show evidence of this. Took me a while to realise it, as it was such an alien concept for me.
Our child is more comfortable when there's been a period without the ex having contact. when there has been frequent contact, there are more issues around sadness missing them. Maybe contact is not such a good idea? This one is a hard one for me. I don't want to make our child sad but I'm seriously worried about what being used as an emotional support and a route to a relationship me will do to our child.
Ex has done tremendously destructive things to my ability as a provider and this seems to be ignored by the courts. I have had huge financial penalties for this and there seems no recourse. Our child has missed out on many opportunities as a result.
Ex has obstructed proper medical care for the child. Plenty of evidence, but severity doesn't seem to have got the courts interests despite about 10 unnecessary hospital visits. As child was properly cared for and is ok now they think it's ok, even though risk for child, huge costs, time, etc.
Ex has made threats to report me for a range of felonies I did not commit on multiple occasions.
Our child is generally happier, much healthier and has improved on development back to regular progress since in my care. (was lagging in a few areas).
Thank you.
In person, I found NAMI and Family Connections to provide some relief, although those groups were not for survivors of BPD relationships exactly. Mainly I found relief in meeting others whose lives have been impacted by someone with a serious mental illness.
Thank you, that's a good tip, I'll cast the net a bit wider in my search.
Do you have a therapist? I was leaning on friends for support that they didn't have the skill to provide. People want to help and understand, and BPD/HCP stuff is particularly complicated. This board is probably the best for feeling validated about what you're going through without being in therapy.
I've tried a bunch, but they all seem very generic. It seems like most of what they say you could read on feel good memes. "take it one day at a time", etc. I get that's what needs to happen but I need some practical strategies of what that might look like. They have some to offer but it seems to be a one page template of that, plus a bunch of "understanding" which feels nice at the time but does not seem to propel a shift in behavior.
You're wise
Did you grow up in a family with low emotional maturity? I don't mean functional maturity, but inhibited or stunted or repressed emotions throughout the family system?
A lot us have codependent tendencies (white knight, rescue/hero complex) and that means we feel emotionally activated when someone comes into our lives who roll through boundaries. It's familiar.
You can heal from this, AnotherOne1.
Thank you,
That makes a lot of sense. I'm not really sure how to gauge that. Certainly in some areas I think but siblings don't seem to have stumbled in these ways, so it would be hard to point the finger there. I think the main thing missing was learning the tools to work through problems, there wasn't any abuse etc.
