How to not absorb the mood swings of your (adult) child

[Margarete]

 
In comparison to what others are going through (and DD and I in the past) this seems to be almost trivial. I am struggling so much trying not to get depressed when every morning I receive either text messages, emojis or calls full of desperation and tears. DD is working and goes on a daily basis from "I can do this, I am working on my future" to "I cannot live this life... work bores me, this cannot be all, I am quitting", etc.etc.)
Whatever I say at that moment is disqualified as "invalidating"...
I am getting the feeling that in a way crisis, excitement, fear has so become DD's "normal" that anything remotely looking like routine becomes somehow threatening and wrong and needs to be destroyed.  I just do not know how to not absorb this every morning. I am not a morning person (also suffering from mild depression) and it somehow throws me in a really dark place from where it takes all day to recover. Then repeat next day.
DD would say now, that instead of validating her emotions  I am making it all about me , however, I do not even remember who "me" really is any longer. Sorry, in a whiny mood this morning. Thanks for listening/reading.
Margarete

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

I know what you mean Margarete. I feel the same way when I get texts or calls from my DS25wBPD saying for the millionth time how much he hates life and wants to kill himself and it's all my fault or my husband's fault etc. etc. I learned in Alanon that we need to "detach with love" so that is what I do. I empathize and validate his feelings but don't own them for myself. Does that make sense? It is like taking care of someone without catching their disease.

[livednlearned]

I am struggling so much trying not to get depressed when every morning I receive either text messages, emojis or calls full of desperation and tears.

I'm glad you posted this, Margarete.

I hate cellphones

SD22 texts her dad so many times a day I sometimes feel like I'm in a marriage with a 13 year old. Every time I look over he's on his phone, 9 times out of 10 trying to put out SD22's flames of one type or another. His moods are affected by her emotions which worsen if he even so much as focuses on what he needs.

What would happen if you did not respond to DD until an agreed upon time?

[Margarete]

I know what you mean Margarete. I feel the same way when I get texts or calls from my DS25wBPD saying for the millionth time how much he hates life and wants to kill himself and it's all my fault or my husband's fault etc. etc. I learned in Alanon that we need to "detach with love" so that is what I do. I empathize and validate his feelings but don't own them for myself. Does that make sense? It is like taking care of someone without catching their disease.

Makes perfect sense, just so hard to do. I can detach and even not react but the effect on my own mood is still profound. More practice, I guess.
Thanks for understanding

[Margarete]

I'm glad you posted this, Margarete.

I hate cellphones

SD22 texts her dad so many times a day I sometimes feel like I'm in a marriage with a 13 year old. Every time I look over he's on his phone, 9 times out of 10 trying to put out SD22's flames of one type or another. His moods are affected by her emotions which worsen if he even so much as focuses on what he needs.

What would happen if you did not respond to DD until an agreed upon time?

Worst case: total meltdown, abandonment, not being validated.
Not responding really does not help my mood. It changes when I see the row of crying emojis...
I love what Faith said about loving detachment -  makes a lot of sense. I just think that after all these years of emotional upheaval we tend to be very intuitive and absorb other people's emotions way to quickly.
I can understand your frustration with the constant messaging - it is hard to let go of the fear that if we do not answer something absolutely terrible may happen.
Hope you are having a wonderful/phonefree day.

[wendydarling]

Hi Margarete

"I can do this, I am working on my future" to "I cannot live this life... work bores me, this cannot be all, I am quitting", etc.etc.)

Do you think your DD is scared of success, that she won't have the ongoing support? Is she having panic attacks? Have you been able to sit down and listen to what this is all about, what is happening at work that she needs reassurance with, support that she can problem solve?

Here is a recent thread from parents that may help our conversation here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333292.msg13032929#msg13032929


Things can change M, when we do  

It is not trivial, after all we've been through with our kids. It is next steps, well that is how it feels for me.

WDx

[livednlearned]

wendydarling makes a great point about success.

SD22 seems to equate independence with abandonment. I could see how success might also amplify abandonment fears.

We have invisible emotion regulation channels running both ways between us and our kids. It amazes me how far into their lives our nervous systems respond as though they are infants. This is true with my (nonBPD) son, too (on the spectrum) at 17.

Have you found anything to change your mood for the better?

[wendydarling]

And here is Detaching with Love thread

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318951.0

For me it's been a gradual process. It can help to join and share where we are.

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi Margarete

The constant stream of communication can become a crux. It’s the world that we live in now and the day can get full of drama rather than calm..

Its not helpful for us/them to learn how to re-balance and find a way to be present.

Detach with love. Yes, and better limits to help wean your daughter off what might be a habit, or what she feels is a very real need for emotional support. It’s such a thin line to negotiate between validation and the dreaded validating the invalid.

Do you think you could talk the problem through with your daughter and problem solve it together?  Possibly a call when she’s really struggling and listening to a positive calm voice is worth a 100 texts and emojis. I wonder if you can find a way to loosen yourself a little from her need, inch by inch. It’s practising self-care and she’ll learn from you, also her confidence will grow in her abilities.

An endless stream of texts is not good for anybody.  The other point is that I don’t spend my life “attached” to my son physically, emotionally or in my thoughts. I love him but his problems are his. As WD says it’s a gradual process. 

It took me time to understand what a healthier relationship looked like. I have my life. He has his life.

He’s 28 and I think a lot older so what I’m suggesting may not work - plus girls are very different too!  Resilience. That’s what we need to learn together.

LP