Beginning to Confront and Call Out BPD Behaviors

[oh.eudora]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here but I've read so many threads and have found them extremely helpful in gaining more insight and context for what is happening in my family.  I appreciate all the honesty and perspective y'all share with others here.  I've also appreciated the resource recommendations, and have read Stop Walking on Eggshells, Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, and Talking to a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder.

My relationship situation is somewhat unique.  I live in an intentional community house with 3 unrelated adults.  Two housemates and I have described ourselves sometimes as 'platonic life partners,' with the 4th housemate being the romantic partner of one of my other housemates.  The original 3 of us have been living together for several years and have intended to continue on this trajectory.  I co-own the house with one of these platonic partners.  I'm near positive that my co-owner is suffering from undiagnosed high-functioning BPD.

The patterns of her being preoccupied with herself, intense and explosive emotions, emotional projection, no-win situations, black-and-white thinking, splitting, and rigidity/fragility have been present as long as I've known her (about 5 years) and, along with my and my housemate's self-preservation-driven colluding and caretaking behaviors, the dynamic in our household is the predictable walking on eggshells and minimizing ourselves in favor of trying to keep the uBPD ok.  The uBPD's romantic partner is the 4th person in our household who enables the uBPD absolutely.  We purchased our house in Jan of 2018 and, due to the house's proximity to a rail yard, we get some train and train yard noise--I mention this because the train yard noise is a huge trigger for the uBPD.  Since the beginning of 2018 the household has felt palpably full of projected anxiety, frustration, and anger, partially because of this trigger.  This past January my uBPD partner got laid off and has since been very much in crisis mode, and behaviors I've seen before seem to be increasing in intensity, particularly her anger.

About a week and a half ago we had a rocky and inappropriate experience in one of our regular house meetings that caused me to suddenly recognize the need for me to set an extremely rigid boundary.  We were about to meet, she was triggered by train yard noise and a parade that was happening in our neighborhood that evening (how dare they!).  She was clearly triggered so we made a plan to go out to eat instead; this is a frequent occurrence, last minute change of plans to attempt to appease and soothe her triggered state. We biked to another location and tried the 'right thing to do' when the first place was closed, giving her many options, letting her know hours of other nearby places, etc.  She would not respond to any questions or comments from any of us, insisting both that she didn't care where and was too hungry, and also shooting down every option presented.  She raged at the employees in the closed restaurant after one checked that the door was locked, and started loudly berating a couple of cops (?) who were working the parade.  She biked in a way that was dangerous, impatient, and triggering to me (I was the victim of a hit-and-run while riding my bike last year).  She took off biking and we followed, as she led us directly down to where the parade was, putting herself in the exact spot we were all trying to avoid in the first place.  Finally after multiple other suggestions and complete avoidance of our questions and conversation, we made it to a place.  We sat down, and she said she couldn't be there and retreated to the bathroom for 10 minutes.  Upon her return she sat silently for a moment, then told us she was having a panic attack and 'couldn't be anywhere' and that she needed to go home and be in her room.  She left, which I believe was the only emotionally responsible thing she did in the course of the evening.  Later that evening I got a text message saying that, she really did have things she wanted to meet about, if we wanted to connect after we got home, and that there was no way she could have stayed under those circumstances.

Two days later she attempted conversation with me.  When I didn't immediately respond she lashed out, to which I responded that I had no desire to have conversation with her at the moment, that I was really upset with her, that I'm taking time and space for myself away from conversation, and that I hoped she could respect that.  Since then we have not had any spontaneous conversation between us in the house, though we have had some email contact.  I sent her a message challenging her to honestly confront her mental health and acknowledge the impact her behaviors are having on everyone in the household.  She has responded (with a 5-paged single spaced letter, including a 25-point list of all the things she is doing for her mental health, which she says she has put about 24+ hours of work into in the last few days) with plenty of defensiveness but with what seems like a genuine desire to hear more.  I've let her know I'm not interested in conversation outside of a scheduled conversation time, and we are currently working to schedule a time to meet tomorrow.

I've just barely begun therapy to dismantle my own caretaking tendencies and gain some perspective and support in this situation.  I've finally come to the realization that, in living with my uBPD's hurtful behaviors and comments, I have coped by minimizing myself, withdrawing, caretaking, and in general am harboring a lot of frustration, resentment, etc. for the chaotic control her illness has over our household.  She commented in her letter on the fact that we have not connected deeply in months; it has certainly been much longer. I have withdrawn from her in self-preservation because, though intellectually she may desire to connect, there has been no space for the emotions, desires, or needs of anyone outside of herself.  She takes part in transactional intimacy, pouring herself and her emotions out and then getting frustrated that I will not make myself vulnerable when I have learned not to do so in reaction to her behaviors.

Based on the letter she sent me, she seems to believe her anxiety is what she needs to work on, and believes she is doing everything in her power to address it.  In our in-person conversation, I'd like to find a way to be able to communicate that her anxiety is not the problem, but rather the behaviors she engages in within our relationship dynamic.  She prides herself on being 'more direct' than the rest of us, and has expressed that we should all go to family therapy so that we can also be direct with our emotions like she is.  It seems this is very common--for the uBPD to be completely unaware of the dysfunctional behaviors and emotional irresponsibility. 

My challenge at this moment is how to express to her the fact that these unhealthy relationship behaviors/personality traits exist and are harmful.  How to express to her that it is her lack of emotional regulation, the hurtful and dismissive comments she makes, and the demanding and blaming ways she engages in conversation are the problem.  That I have withdrawn in response to her behaviors of raging, splitting, hurtful judgements, and making it all about her all the time, and that trust needs to be rebuilt and behaviors examined before I'm able to be vulnerable with her.  I've brainstormed a list of patterns/behaviors I've seen in her that are damaging and hurtful, but these are more things like "black-and-white thinking" instead of specific instances/examples where she has employed black-and-white thinking.  I fear sharing these with her will only make her more defensive, or that she will invalidate them if I don't have specific examples.

Any advice, guidance, insight, etc. would be really helpful.  Thanks for reading my very long-winded post.

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[No-One]

Hi oh.eudora:  Welcome!  Sorry you are having a difficult relationship with one of your house partners.

  I'm near positive that my co-owner is suffering from undiagnosed high-functioning BPD. . . she seems to believe her anxiety is what she needs to work on, and believes she is doing everything in her power to address it.  In our in-person conversation, I'd like to find a way to be able to communicate that her anxiety is not the problem, but rather the behaviors she engages in within our relationship dynamic.

She has a point about the need to make managing her anxiety a priority.

People with strong BPD traits or with a BPD diagnosis generally have one or more other mental health issues.  Anxiety is a common one.  When conditions like anxiety and depression are successfully managed, that can set the stage to be receptive to learn ways to manage things like emotions.

Everyone is different, but many people gain a benefit from taking some nonaddictive meds that can help with anxiety.  The addictive meds (i.e. benzos), might not be wise to use, if someone is prone to addictions. For some people, the benzos can help, if taken infrequently.  

We purchased our house in Jan of 2018 and, due to the house's proximity to a rail yard, we get some train and train yard noise--I mention this because the train yard noise is a huge trigger for the uBPD.      

Some people seem to lack the ability to filter out certain noises, so it can annoy them, while others can just screen it out.  It could relate to brain wiring or chemistry.  So, why do you think she co-purchased the house, when it was so close to the train noise?  Did she not know about the trains?  

 She has responded (with a 5-paged single spaced letter, including a 25-point list of all the things she is doing for her mental health  

What are some of the more significant things she says she is doing for her mental health?

She prides herself on being 'more direct' than the rest of us, and has expressed that we should all go to family therapy so that we can also be direct with our emotions like she is.  It seems this is very common--for the uBPD to be completely unaware of the dysfunctional behaviors and emotional irresponsibility.      

It does seem to be common for the disordered person to blame others and try and identify them as the problem. I don't think that group therapy (with the household members) would be successful, until she gains some insight about the reality of her behaviors.  
 

My challenge at this moment is how to express to her the fact that these unhealthy relationship behaviors/personality traits exist and are harmful.  How to express to her that it is her lack of emotional regulation, the hurtful and dismissive comments she makes, and the demanding and blaming ways she engages in conversation are the problem.  That I have withdrawn in response to her behaviors of raging, splitting, hurtful judgements, and making it all about her all the time,    

You can't control her.  What you can learn to do is to set boundaries and manage the way you interact and react to her, with emotionally intelligent communication skills.

The large green band, at the top of the page, has a "Tools" menu.  Within the "Tools" menu, you will find links to info. about "Boundaries" and "Validate/Don't Invalidate".  These are good places to start.

Boundaries are personal limitations that you set, that you control and you enforce.  The other person doesn't usually agree with them and doesn't have to.  

With validation, you don't have to agree with a persons position.  You would just be validation their feelings about something.  If you can't validate, then it's most important to NOT invalidate by work, body language or expression (i.e. just don't say anything).

One more think to focus on is to Don't JADE (Don't keep a heated discussion going by trying to Justify, Argue, Defend & Explain).
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