Moving Forward

[Leonis]

Recently, I started compiling documents to have my custody reviewed. My ex and I were never married, so in the State of Utah, she automatically got sole custody. It didn’t help that our child was premature due to complications.

Anyhow, I wanted to have it reviewed because I feel my ex has not been honest with our son’s medical conditions, especially the potential need for speech therapy. I felt powerless because resources cannot work with me, but through the ex. She told me everything was fine l, but the doctor’s notes say otherwise.

A major part of this drive will be to get a better custody arrangement. In addition, certain nonsensical elements also need to be addressed. A lot of it comprised of the communication barriers set by her and her family through court. Breaking down those barriers will hopefully be more beneficial to the co-parenting nature.

I would then be able to make decisions for our child’s wellbeing without her being the constant roadblock.

But...

It could also be a double-edged sword. I would open ways for her to inch back into my life. It is already somewhat of a roller coaster ride without her physical presence in the last few years. I can’t imagine allowing her to be able to contact me in person.

At the same time, I realised how damaged I am. Part of me long for the chaos she’d bring to my life. The little islands of lovey-dovey moments that we may share together. It’s all so wrong. I don’t even know if she won’t try to find ways to sabotage me further by being closer to me.

For whatever reason, I keep having a glimmer of hope that she would find help. That perhaps she’d leave her mother’s control and just behave like coparents. Or perhaps she could give the family she’s created with me a chance.

I know reality will probably never be that way. Yet, I cannot stop having wishful thinking.

Good news is, I am going back to counselling offered for free at work.

[Ecan]

Leonis I feel your pain coming through. I can relate with the fear of not being able to trust yourself with being in close contact with the ex. I told a friend of mine I think I have Battered Wife Syndrome because if my ex wanted me back I don't think I could resist.

I can't imagine having to have any kind of connection with my ex with out it messing me up. I admire your strength and willingness to do right by your child. I'm glad to hear that through work you can get some therapy for free. I hope it helps you cope with the twisted mind F your ex is pulling.

My prayers are with you your not alone.

[Leonis]

I hope it helps you cope with the twisted mind F your ex is pulling.

My prayers are with you your not alone.

Thank you kindly for your prayers.

Heh, I don't think my ex is pulling anything right now, but the aftereffects from the fallout still linger.

[Leonis]

I spent some time at counseling today. Thank goodness my work covers that.

I told the counselor my story in regards to my ex, from dating to our court battles, etc. Then, he gave me the Waltz-Rushe-Gottman emotional abuse questionnaire to fill out until our next appointment in two weeks.

I spent some time going through it and scored accordingly:

Social isolation: 47 (51-67 is considered abuse, 68+ is severe)
Degradation: 68 (73-94, 95+)
Sexual: 16 (14-18, 19+)
Property damage: 0 (15-21, 22+)

What's interesting is the sexual abuse. I didn't think I was being abused, but I do recall the many times she used sex to occupy my time. Being in my late 20s at the time, I fully complied because why would I turned down sex from my partner? However, there were times I felt it was excessive and I wanted to do other things, but seduction happened. I suppose a lot of it has to do with the culture. Guys generally don't think they are being taken advantage of when it comes to sex.

But, sexual abuse makes sense since she claimed to have been abused by a relative when she was 12 and one of her brothers did touch her and her sisters at night in her teens.

Other stuff were in the borderline area, pun intended...then again, that's what we deal with: Borderline Personality Disorder. Things were on the edge of crazy.

There weren't anything that had to do with the properties we owned, so that's good.

Looking at how my ex would have scored it, I feel she would have scored high on degradation and sexual abuse, regardless of the validity of those claims. I don't think she could claim social isolation, but then again, it's her.

Anyways, just a small update.

[Longterm]

My ex used sex as a weapon.

She would all the time say she was not in the mood, or tired, or having pains? Then when we did have sex she would moan afterwards stating that we hadn't done it in weeks? Also she told her sister that I just "stick it in"? Her sister told me I need to put in more effort . But...when we did have sex she would tell me to "hurry up"?. This got to the point where I could not ejaculate, I sh1t you not. I thought there was something up with me.

I was very depressed towards the end and I honestly believe I was having a breakdown. I never thought in a million years that that was abuse, but it was.

[Leonis]

It was a little bit different with me.

She just wanted to do it so often, it took a lot of our times. There were times I didn't feel like doing it or other stuff that needed to be done, but I'm a guy. I didn't think too much about being used. I just complied because which 20 some years old guy wouldn't want to do his gf/fiancée?

We had discussions about frequency before and she insisted on daily. I was thinking maybe every other day or few days. It's great to have frequent sex, but there is a point when it becomes excess.

It's funny because she later said how I only offered her sex in the relationship. Never mind that's what she craved a lot of times.