Looking for tips to reverse or avoid breakup.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi. This is my second post on this site, my last post was about me trying to get back with my girlfriend after she cut me off. We did in fact get back together, and its been the best 4 months off my life ever since. Her entire family loves me, and is shocked and devasted because it seems like its ending now.. Ill try to keep the story as short as possible. My (ex)girlfriend is diagnosed with BPD and is 18. Im 21.

So let's start with saying everything has been going great these last few months. We have been togehter almost all the time, i live about 5 hours from her. But when im not working ive been staying with her family at her place. Weve been shopping, making plans together, doing everything together and there hasnt really been any fights or arguments which i can read in a ton off other posts that thats common. So 8 days ago, i was at her grandmothers vacation house. Up in the mountains.. With her entire family, cousins, uncles, aunts, u name it.. Everything was so great. We partied on saturday, had sex before we went to sleep and everything was NORMAL. Here comes sunday, everything normal. Were just having a good time with her family and she falls asleep on the couch after dinner. When she wakes up i can see that shes sad, somethings bothering her. But ive learnt this last year that its best too just leave her be when shes like that. So i did. We started drinking again in the evening, me, her, her sister, her sisters boyfriend, her  grandfather and so on. I could tell that she still was sad and she was in a bad mood. Hours went by, and i couldnt cope any longer. So i sat down right next to her and asked. Whats bothering you now *******, is there something i can do for you, or is there something you want to talk about? And them boom... She answered. Are you trying to kill my mood? And then she went our room crying... I followed, tried to talk calmy that i just tried to help her.. We were gonna stay in the cabin until monday, but her mom drove both me and her down sunday night. The entire way home, we both cried. Her mom also. And she said she needed time to think, she said out off nowhere that she couldnt handle being in a relationship.. This killed me off course,  but i was prepared too fight and give her the time she needed. During this time me and her mom texted ALOT. And we both were sad about this and tried to figure out what was about to come. She didnt believe that my she would let me go, becuase she had gotten so attached to me and her family.  Exactly a week later (yesterday). She sent me a text saying that the relationship is over, and that she is more happy on her own.. (ive asked her this beforre) and she said hell no... Im way more happy with you than on my own.. She also said that this is very sad, but she thinks this is whats best for her. I said i understand, that i loved her deeply and that i needed some time for myself to get over all this. But all in all i respected her wish to be alone. She were going to work for at my job this summer. From July 1st. And she said she still has to think about iff shes coming to work.. This puts me in a pretty weird spot tbh. Cuz i dont know anything :/

This is the second time weve split.. The first time she got into a new relationship just two weeks after she cut me off.. And her answer the first time was also that she tought she would be more happy on her own.. This came out off nowhere.. Two weeks ago everything was fine and ive never been so sad as right now..  So my question is this. Shall i move on?  I really dont want too, even tough IKNOW that its probably whats best for me. I know this will be a rollercoaster and bpd relationships are hard. But im willing.. Do you guys think shell come back again? She has before, and then we fought much much more. This time she just woke up one day and broke it off out of nowhere.. Her friends and mom says its a big chance shell regret this decision and come back. She has before and they and I know how much she loves me. Whats the best thing for me to do now if i TRULY want her back. Which I do, i love her more than anything in the world. And she knows this...

[flangleboi]

Hi. This is my second post on this site, my last post was about me trying to get back with my girlfriend after she cut me off. We did in fact get back together, and its been the best 4 months off my life ever since. Her entire family loves me, and is shocked and devasted because it seems like its ending now.. Ill try to keep the story as short as possible. My (ex)girlfriend is diagnosed with BPD and is 18. Im 21.

So let's start with saying everything has been going great these last few months. We have been togehter almost all the time, i live about 5 hours from her. But when im not working ive been staying with her family at her place. Weve been shopping, making plans together, doing everything together and there hasnt really been any fights or arguments which i can read in a ton off other posts that thats common. So 8 days ago, i was at her grandmothers vacation house. Up in the mountains.. With her entire family, cousins, uncles, aunts, u name it.. Everything was so great. We partied on saturday, had sex before we went to sleep and everything was NORMAL. Here comes sunday, everything normal. Were just having a good time with her family and she falls asleep on the couch after dinner. When she wakes up i can see that shes sad, somethings bothering her. But ive learnt this last year that its best too just leave her be when shes like that. So i did. We started drinking again in the evening, me, her, her sister, her sisters boyfriend, her  grandfather and so on. I could tell that she still was sad and she was in a bad mood. Hours went by, and i couldnt cope any longer. So i sat down right next to her and asked. Whats bothering you now *******, is there something i can do for you, or is there something you want to talk about? And them boom... She answered. Are you trying to kill my mood? And then she went our room crying... I followed, tried to talk calmy that i just tried to help her.. We were gonna stay in the cabin until monday, but her mom drove both me and her down sunday night. The entire way home, we both cried. Her mom also. And she said she needed time to think, she said out off nowhere that she couldnt handle being in a relationship.. This killed me off course,  but i was prepared too fight and give her the time she needed. During this time me and her mom texted ALOT. And we both were sad about this and tried to figure out what was about to come. She didnt believe that my she would let me go, becuase she had gotten so attached to me and her family.  Exactly a week later (yesterday). She sent me a text saying that the relationship is over, and that she is more happy on her own.. (ive asked her this beforre) and she said hell no... Im way more happy with you than on my own.. She also said that this is very sad, but she thinks this is whats best for her. I said i understand, that i loved her deeply and that i needed some time for myself to get over all this. But all in all i respected her wish to be alone. She were going to work for at my job this summer. From July 1st. And she said she still has to think about iff shes coming to work.. This puts me in a pretty weird spot tbh. Cuz i dont know anything :/

This is the second time weve split.. The first time she got into a new relationship just two weeks after she cut me off.. And her answer the first time was also that she tought she would be more happy on her own.. This came out off nowhere.. Two weeks ago everything was fine and ive never been so sad as right now..  So my question is this. Shall i move on?  I really dont want too, even tough IKNOW that its probably whats best for me. I know this will be a rollercoaster and bpd relationships are hard. But im willing.. Do you guys think shell come back again? She has before, and then we fought much much more. This time she just woke up one day and broke it off out of nowhere.. Her friends and mom says its a big chance shell regret this decision and come back. She has before and they and I know how much she loves me. Whats the best thing for me to do now if i TRULY want her back. Which I do, i love her more than anything in the world. And she knows this...

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[Ozzie101]

Hi flanglboi!

Reading back through your other thread, it sounds like she has a history of pulling back or cutting things off when they get too serious. If that's the case, a weekend with you and her family (and with alcohol, which, in my experience, never leads to good place with BPD) could well have triggered her fear of commitment. Initiated the push phase of the push-pull, if you will.

It's a difficult thing to deal with, I'm sure. But there's really no way of knowing what's going to happen or how she's going to react in the future. Only you can answer what you should do and what's right for you. There's a very good chance, even if she does come back, that this pattern will continue until and unless she gets real help. Is that something you want?

If you really do want the relationship to continue, for starters, the best thing to do is probably not push. Let her take the lead. Meet her where she is, so to speak. If she initiates contact, respond, but don't over-do it because that could scare her off. You say you told her you respect her wish to be alone. That's a good start.  The way to build trust and comfort is to continue that. Respect her and her wishes.

And, whatever happens, we're here with advice and tips to hopefully make either path a little easier for you.

[flangleboi]

Thanks for the very fast reply. I forgot too mention that she is in therapy. And she is very self aware. She is working on her problems.. And this is a good thing.. I really hope she does come back, and yes. Ill give her all the time she needs. Becuase im not ready to give up.. Ive read that its usual for BPD exes to come back. And that after fights and arguments, which we really didnt have much off. We were just both sad that things had ended really.. I was sad because she was sad and said she couldnt be in a relationship..

[Ozzie101]

That's really encouraging that she's self-aware and in therapy.  A lot of people are in situations where they don't have that and it makes things so much worse.

Still difficult for you, I know.

In my opinion, and others can chime in if I'm off-base, the best thing you can do is be open if she returns and just support her and listen to her. You'll want to be very careful about overwhelming her as she's demonstrated that that's one of her triggers.

[once removed]

This is my second post on this site, my last post was about me trying to get back with my girlfriend after she cut me off. We did in fact get back together, and its been the best 4 months off my life ever since.

stick around. if we just post in times of crisis, after the fact, it can be hard to undo the damage. you can get real support here, when times are good and times are bad, and keep yourself grounded with feedback so you approach the relationship consistently.

When she wakes up i can see that shes sad, somethings bothering her.

what do you think it was? any hunch?

[flangleboi]

I have absolutly no clue.. :/

Update: we had a plan that she was coming this summer too work at my jobplace.. and also figure out about us.. she seemed som happy about it, sent me hearts om Snapchat and told me how much she appriacted it...

About 24 hours later i get a text from her saying that she cant come. And that she needs too get over me... Told me we couldnt have any contact and that ut has been Nice to get too know med and my family... Out off nowhere... Im litteraly at the sadest point in my life... I feel nothing, just crying... She deleted me on all off social media after that... Even made her mom delete me... Her mom sent me a text saying: Hi ****. Im really sorry, **** came down the stairs really angry and told me to delete you and not have any contact with you.. She hasnt told me anything, but i Hope you understand. If i keep you as a friend it Will only make things worse for you. I still love you, Hope you understand... I was SHOCKED.

I now need more help than ever. Will i ever hear from her again? I Hope so, probably not whats best for me. But i love her.. Her friends and mom seem to think i Will after some time.. but it really feels like the end. No idea how she switched and got so mad at me for no reason... I Hope she makes contact after some time..

[flangleboi]

Still not heard from her. Feels like i never Will... Help anyone? :/

[Ozzie101]

I'm sorry, flangleboi. These situations can be so painful and bewildering, I know.

Unfortunately, no one can know if you'll ever hear from her. Frequently pwBPD will push loved ones away and then pull them back in but, sometimes they push and keep it at that.

We do have a few articles about BPD-related break-ups. Have you seen this one?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I hope you'll give it a read and tell us what you think.

[GoodMan]

Some quick advice.

Look at who you are very closely, very deeply and what work you can do for you  to get what you need and want.

If you’re  sad get some therapy. Do things for yourself to become a happy independent person. Your emotions are yours.

Get hobbies. Go out with friends. Watch movies. Do what ever makes you happy.

Do the work.

If you decide to continue your relationship with her...

Learn about BPD. Research here in books and online.

Once you start researching BPD your going to learn amongst all the symptoms,  hints and advice about dealing with a person with BPD you’ll learn you  can’t control her. You can’t make her happy. You can only control you and make you happy. She needs to make her happy. You’ll learn to identify her triggers and better communication skills. Knowledge of these things is an amazing coping source.

The awful truth is she may have a pretty painful mental disorder. This mental disorder could involve huge mood swings that are based in emotion and not logic. There is nothing you can do for her. She needs to do it for herself. If she finally realizes she has an issue and goes to therapy and addresses it specifically there may be a change slowly over years of therapy and possibly medication.

In that time there may be a swing or mood change hourly or annually. You’ll never know.

Here and in books there are many systems and a lot of advice on communication with a pwBPD. Once you get them working you will need to try and fail and adjust and try again till you have it down for her specific needs. This will only possibly reduce the instances of direct confrontation, not fix the issue. She needs to fix it herself.

Once you do the work on yourself, the research needed to communicate correctly and start functioning as an  independent, happy, self aware, strong, healthy person, and if you choose to, you will still be dating or married to someone that may have a intense emotion driven mental disorder.

Someone who’s possible mental disorder may drive them to someone else to fill the constantly emptying bucket of love and self worth that people with BPD  have been described as having.  She may accuse you or your relationship of being the  cause of all her pain. She may leave you out of nowhere to come back and demand that you are all that she needs only to turnaround and blame you again. . You’ll  know it won’t be your fault but she will be convinced. You can’t let her emotional communication convince you it’s your fault,. This is why you will need to be strong and self aware and independently happy. Then it may seem to just go away on its own and become amazing again. But no. She has a emotion based mental disorder, and at any time unless she gets help, and spends a long time working on herself, will slip back again.

This is what might be happening.

If this is what seems to be happening in your life you have a lot to think about. Give her the space it seems she’s looking for and get to work on yourself. Remember that her family is hers not yours. Give them all space. Do you.

If after looking deep inside and planning what you need donto be independently happy and start working on you. Then only then start to think about what to do next with her. Your life is important. And if your going to have her in it you need to be happy too.

Obligatory recommendation:

Read the book “Walking on Eggshells”
 

[flangleboi]

Thanks for the tips. I feel like I am geniunly happy. Ive always been, cept these two  last time she has broken up with me. Off course i feel sad when being dumped, right? Ive dealt with breakups before, but nothing has been like this.. I feel i will be happy once im in contact with her, which is a horrible tought and really bad thinking.. I know.. Do you think it will be stupid off me sending her a text in a couple off days just to apologize? Tell her she doesnt need to reply, but i need to apologize to get this off my conscience.. Or is that a bad idea? Again, i REALLY appreicate the help.

[Ozzie101]

What (specifically) do you want to apologize for?

[once removed]

do you think she might have a problem with your relationship with her mom, or any other family member?

this (recent incident) started during a family get together, right? and youve been in contact with her mom since?

[flangleboi]

I want to apologize for something i said. When she said out off nowhere that she never wanted too have any contact with me again (the day before she sent me dozens off snaps and couldnt wait too meet me) i got sad and spontaneously wrote: I find this very sad, but i will respect it if thats your wish.. But i would also like to say that i think its weird that youve taken me into your family for a second time and now just push me out off it once again.. I regretted immidatly... And im sorry i wrote that, i was in absolute shock.

I dont really think she knows ive had any contact with her mom. Her mom always told me to keep it between us, and never tell her. We both tought it would benefit both me and my (ex) girlfriend..

[once removed]

how did it go when you were with her family?

Here comes sunday, everything normal. Were just having a good time with her family and she falls asleep on the couch after dinner. When she wakes up i can see that shes sad,

what happened before she went to sleep?

[flangleboi]

It went really well with her family. They love me, not to brag. But they all like me very much. Theyre also very sad about this..

Before we went to bed. We drank, had sex, and just really had a great time. She had FUN.

[flangleboi]

Im sorry that i dont reply with green texts as you do. I have no idea how to do it. Going to look into it.

[flangleboi]

Any toughts iff there is a good idea off me to apologize? Even say she doesnt have to answer. But i need to get this off my chest or something..?

[Ozzie101]

I think you need to really think about why you feel the need to apologize and what you expect to come out of it.

She's made it pretty clear that she needs and wants space and no contact (at least for now). If you want to have a chance of getting back with her, it's probably best to respect her wishes. Anything else may not get you a response you'd like and would be ignoring/disrespecting the boundaries she set.

I know this is difficult. Many members here have been in the same position and I'm sure can commiserate. GoodMan had some good advice for you. What do you think?

[Coldfish]

Just wanted to let you know my boyfriend does the same thing. Everything will be going well and then one day he's pulled away or sad and then the "i don't want to be in a relationship anymore" speech. Eveytime he gets angry it's him pulling away. It has happened four times already in 10 months. He usually comes back and wants to talk after space. He always thinks I hate him for the way he acted.

I will tell you that I give him space when he does this push pull. It always seems to happen when our relationship gets more serious or takes a step higher. My best advice is to give her space.

One time when he was in the kitchen he made the comment that he loved that I didn't hound him. He told me he knows I put up with alot of him but I don't hound him. I took this to mean that I gave him space when he needed it.

My best advice would be to read, educate yourself about this. Then reread it again and again until it turns to understanding. I would give her some space.

[flangleboi]

Hey guys, major update here. Ive been looking for answers online these past few days. Answers that i know noone really can ever know.. I sent her a text apologzing. And I am noe blocked... From everywhere, it feels awfull.. My ex went om a holiday last sunday. And ive been gjetting alot Snapchats from her sister. Wve been friends for a long time, and my ex is NOT botherd by that. But why i cant wrap my head around is hos happy she seems now... Iknow its normal for bpds to have ups and downs ALOT. But is it normal too be that glad and be in bliss really after ending a relationship with simeone they deeply love? Seems like I dont even exist anymore in her world.. Her mom also called me on monday. Told me that there is just her way off dealing wut this. And she is convinced that she Will contact me later and atleast want too be friends... What do you guys think? Im so worried that i Will never hear or see her again... Feels like she thinks that getting rid off me was the solution too all her problems...

[flangleboi]

My biggest fear is never hearing from her ever again... Has anyone here ever been blocked from an bpd ex gf and been contacted after some time?

[once removed]

its very difficult to say.

the more you give her space, the greater your chances.

[flangleboi]

I am now unblocked... Shes been om vacation for a week. Just got Home.. Her mom called me this morning a couple off hours before she got home. She said she couldnt know for sure, bit maybe she would start too think and feel som shame or regret for ending the relationship when shes Home.. One hour after she got Home, im unblocked... Hmm? What should i expect from here? Maybe shell make contact after a few days? Havent added me back or anything on social media..

[Ozzie101]

I would just wait it out. Don't reach out to her. Let her make that move.