Just Married

[jnomorris]

Hello,

My (now) wife has bipolar and BPD. She was diagnosed after a drug (marijuana) induced psychotic episode about two years ago. We've been together for 10 years now and over that time she's exhibited extreme narcassim, deflection, gas lighting, devauling and unfaithfulness.

She never did anything physical as far as I'm aware but did take it up to a point where she asked me if I would do an open relationship because she wanted to pursue someone else.

I told her no and we broke up. She told me she never got with him. We ended up getting back together because she got prescribed Lamotriange and I naively thought she would stay better.

We got married. I knew the risk and am willing to accept what I must because I love her but I think I need some help.

I wasn't as educated on the BPD portion of her illness as I should have been and after doing research realized I've just been enpowering her. I fell victim to believing I was the problem instead of this stupid disease.

I haven't really had more than a few passing conversations with her about her BPD and to be honest, I'm not sure how aware/educated she is. She had made remarks that "doing a bad thing doesn't make someone a bad person" so I think she's aware on some level.

I went to a friends house last night for support while she was working. When she got off she was trying to call/text me and I didn't pick up for about an hour period (because I was with my friend).

That triggered her and she went in on me hard. I didn't answer her (loaded) questions and simply told her I want couples counseling.

I told her that several times and when she said I couldn't make her, I told her that was true. I told her that I would divorce. This angered her even further.

She kept trying to argue and I told her that if she kept it up, I would leave until she agreed to counseling.

As I sit here at the local rest stop, I realized that knowing that abandonment is a potential trigger would have been nice. :/

She did text me and finally agreed to go to counseling but proclaimed it was her idea. It was an idea she initially pitched a week and a half ago, but I don't know how serious she ever was. She said she was going to book an appointment on Monday, never did that and than tried to convince me we could "do our own counseling."

Since it may not be entirely clear, here are my questions:

1. Is it possible for someone with BPD to appear cold and not care if you left, hut actually have abandonment still be a trigger?

2. Do people with BPD "project" onto others?

3. She had mentioned that since we were married I could reach out to her medicine prescriber. Any advice on how to best handle that?

4. How do I approach understanding/expanding her knowledge of BPD? Should I even do that at all this point? She obviously knows she has it but I'm not sure just how much.

5. Am I being too firm? Not firm enough? Do I have any idea what I'm doing?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jnomorris]

I just wanted to give an update. Day two was a rollercoaster.

She told me that she actually had bipolar and after some initial resistance she agreed she would go get a second opinion and that we would both go to couples counseling.

Riding her moods out was hard, but I set certain boundaries and requests that I wouldn't budge on.

Additionally, when she was being more calm I told her that I love her and just want what's best for our marriage. That she deserves love.

We're both sleeping in our apartment tonight,  the attacks have stopped and we're going to counseling (hopefully) tomorrow.

While it's a bit odd that an (arguably) confusing acronym led to me stumbling upon this site, it's no wonder that particular content (namely the FOG article and the "How a borderline relationship evolves") helped me to get through all of this and (hopefully) keep our marriage together.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi and welcome to our community.  I’m sorry for what brings you here, but glad you’ve found us.

I’ll start by answering your questions (to the best of my abilities).

1.  Yes, it’s possible for a pwBPD to appear cold about your leaving, but still have a fear of abandonment.  You may want to avoid threats to “divorce” and leave, unless you’re very serious about backing them up with action.  Threats like these can deeply erode trust within the relationship, and no one wants that, especially when relationships with pwBPD can be shaky to begin with.  Also IMO, threats like these can drive a pwBPD to “act out” i.e. cheat, so that they actually drive the narrative if they feel threatened that you’ll leave.  Leave him before he leaves me sort of thing.

2.  PwBPD definitely tend to use projection and blame shift.  There is a lot of shame involved in this illness.
3.  I’m no expert, but if you’re in the U.S. I think under HIPPA laws, if she gives you / or her physicians permission, they can discuss her medical information with you.
4.  DO NOT BRING HER HERE!  This site is for you.  I don’t think it’s important for HER to know more about BPD traits, because she knows what she needs to know.  And if she’s honest in therapy about her behaviors, she should get the help she needs.  You can look up DBT therapy and show her information on that.  You, on the other hand DO need to understand more if you want to try and stay in and improve your marriage.  This site offers great resources for you - communication tools, How to lessen conflicts, etc.

The first thing you want to do is NOT JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).. it seems counterintuitive, but it works.  Then learn to stop making it worse; read about validation, boundary setting, and so many other tools that will help.  It takes time and practice but you should see results.

5.  Are you being too firm, not firm enough?  Again, Be careful with the ultimatums around divorce, unless you are ready to go.  I can see telling her that seeing a counselor is mandatory.  I used that, too because of my BPDbf’s rages.  I was at my end with him and told him he HAD to go.  I also told him if he continued drinking an entire bottle of wine per day I was out.  I meant it.  He stopped cold turkey.  My boundaries are for MY values.  Your boundaries represent your values.

One thing that stuck me... when you were at your friend’s house and your BPDw texted you, why did you not text her back, tell her you were with x friend and you’d be home in an hour? xx. 

What do you mean by you didn’t answer her “loaded” questions?

My BPDbf becomes uneasy if I don’t respond to texts pretty quickly, even tho’ he knows I’m not tethered to my phone.  I do NOTHING that I know will bring anxiety to him.  I live a bit in an anticipatory state, but I’m used to it.

Can you provide more detail about some of the day to day issues / problems that arise?

Finally, you may find that couples counseling may not work as well right now as individual counseling.  It’s a very good thing that she’s willing to do this... no matter whose idea she needs to think it is.  She can have that one!

Please keep posting.  Oh, and you may want to read Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Ipsedixit]

I just want to thank you for your initial post, as your situation is so very close to my own. It helps me feel less alone in this struggle when I'm close to giving up.