Desperately holding on. To what exactly?

[Libra]

Hi,

This thread links back to an older thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335076.msg13042859#msg13042859

Soo…

The date of my brother’s visit is rapidly approaching (June 26).

I am relieved that my brother and his 2 almost-adult kids will be staying at my mothers’ instead of with us, as we ourselves are currently living elsewhere due to renovations in our home. That should have been done by now, but…oh well…. 

Big Bro will be in the country for 10 days. I managed to ‘book’ Friday afternoon with him. All 8 of us will be going on an outing together (brother, his 2 kids, my mother and the 4 of us). My mother has planned outings for them for the remainder of their short stay, except for Saturday.

I made several suggestions for things to do together that Saturday, in the hopes of spending some more time with my brother and his family. They were either too expensive or not interesting enough. I fully realize it is not easy to find common interests for 2 near 18-year-olds and 2 near 10-year-olds. But I did not get any alternative suggestions or feedback. It has left me with the impression that I’m the only one that is really trying.

Meanwhile, our current healthy group of friends is planning a group activity that same Saturday. It sounds like great fun, and DH wants to join in. I’m holding off, because I am still hoping to do something with my brother. I would welcome any, even last-minute suggestion from him. So DH suggest having a brunch with my family at a really cool place we discovered recently, and then move on to join our friends. I respond that I could suggest it, but that none of my suggestions so far have been withheld. At which point DH asks the key question: “For how long and how far are you willing to twist and turn to accommodate them, and what exactly are you hoping for?”

What am I trying to get out of this get-together? A group hug and a feeling of real family? Of belongingness?  I think deep inside that is exactly what I am yearning for, though realistically I know that is not going to happen. It will be a dull get-together without any real open interactions, the façades will be mile-high, and I will be going home feeling unfulfilled and frustrated.


It has been at least 5 years since I last saw my brother. Since we are hopeless at phone conversations and he never takes the time to answer any mails except with short concise chat messages, I have not really talked to him for what seems like eons. But when we were children he really was my big brother. I looked up to him, and – having moved around a lot as kids - he was one of the few constants in my life. Maybe I’ve idealized him in my memories and it we weren’t really that close? Maybe I leaned on him too much as a child and he’s glad he’s off the hook and thus keeps his distance? Maytbe I’m pushing for something that just isn’t there?

So is DH right when he says that I am trying too hard to accommodate them for something I don’t even know will happen? Or is he just trying very hard to organize the day in such a way that we can still spend some time with our friends (he does not really get along with my brother and he doesn’t really feel a need to try, which I understand)? Is it normal that I am trying to keep that day open, or am I trying too hard?

And, most importantly: what can I do to stop this yearning for a bond that isn’t there?  Having typed this and thus thought about it, I can feel that yearning welling up again, teamed-up with a great sense of loss and sadness.

Thanks again,



Libra.

[Kwamina]

Hi Libra

It has left me with the impression that I’m the only one that is really trying.

It's not pleasant at all when interactions with your close family-members make you feel this way

So DH suggest having a brunch with my family at a really cool place we discovered recently, and then move on to join our friends. I respond that I could suggest it, but that none of my suggestions so far have been withheld.

Your husband's idea sounds like a reasonable compromis, yet I understand why you would want to keep it open since you have not seen your brother for such a long time and have barely had any real conversations with him either. "Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all."

But when we were children he really was my big brother. I looked up to him, and – having moved around a lot as kids - he was one of the few constants in my life.

When you look back now, do you feel like there was a certain turning point at which the relationship between the two of you became more distant and difficult?

The Board Parrot

[sklamath]

Hi, Libra!

I do see you going to great lengths to accommodate your brother without placing inherent value on your own time. But I can also understand that yearning for "what could be" with your brother. I'm wondering if it might help to depersonalize the situation...If a friend were asking your advice on which of the following to attend, based only on the following information, which would you advise them to choose?

A: "It sounds like great fun"
B: "It will be a dull get-together without any real open interactions, the façades will be mile-high, and I will be going home feeling unfulfilled and frustrated"

Could you, in good conscience, advise your friend to decline Event A for the possibility of Event B (which might not even happen)?

I appreciate your DH's suggestion for two reasons. First, it would allow you to attend something you sound excited about, because you deserve to do things in life that you enjoy (and it might be nice to have a thing to look forward to other than the uncertainties  of family time). Second, it's got good boundaries written all over it: you are offering a specific event, time, and duration to your brother that he can take or leave. His choice. And it doesn't leave you waiting around just in case he decides to make himself available, so it's protecting your time--and your heart.

[Libra]

Hi Kwamina! 

"Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all."

That is beautiful. I've never had the patience or perseverance to appreciate poetry. Maybe I should give it another try.
I am wondering if my feathered friend should be allowed to change its tune.
How long should one keep up hope for something that seems so unreachable?
Maybe I should allow myself to realize that the r/s with my brother is what it is and let go of this hope.
Can hope be a means to postpone RA?

When you look back now, do you feel like there was a certain turning point at which the relationship between the two of you became more distant and difficult?

Absolutely. When my parents finally divorced, and my brother took up a parental role. He did that for 2 to 3 years, before escaping into a dysfunctional r/s of his own and leaving me to take up that role.

Maybe I should just try to let go...though that idea makes me very sad.

Libra.

[Libra]

Hi Sklamath!

  Putting it in this perspective does make it sound quite ridiculous. I would most certainly advize A to a friend!

You are also right about DH's suggestion being good on boundaries and time-balancing.
I might still suggest the brunch idea. Or I might just leave it at the Friday afternoon and stop trying for more.

I am still wondering whether I'm trying to accept what is and letting go of hope for more, or whether I am just trying to steel my heart for possible disappointment. This will need some more processing.

Taking a step back and looking at it without all the emotional luggage does help to put things into perspective.
Thank you for reminding me of that, Sklamath!

Libra.

[zachira]

Libra,
I hear you when you ask about how to let go of the longing to have healthy relationships with your family members, and how sad and frustrated you feel with the superficial tension filled family get-togethers, especially not knowing how things are going to go with your brother. I don't think we ever truly completely heal from growing up and the on going contact with a dysfunctional family; yet with time, awareness, better choices, we make better relationships and lives for ourselves and the immediate family we create, which produces a lot of satisfaction and can heal a lot of the hurt from the past. My suggestion would be is to stay present with your feelings and observe carefully your feelings when in the presence of your family members. This being fully present while they may be acting superficially nice or being plain mean, can help you to create new memories of being your best and honest self in the worst of times. It also can help to let go of some of the past frustrations while helping to make decisions about future interactions.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Libra

It's so nice to hear from you, no matter the subject. You share realistically and honestly, and I sure appreciate that glimpse into who you are. Thank you. It's helpful to us.

I have a question for you. Have you ever heard of or used a Feelings Wheel? (You'll have to Google it since I am having trouble with the URL tonight.) Chose a simple one. It is one of my most favorite tools that I received early on in my T sessions. I don't use it as much now as I did then, but whenever I get stumped, I pull it out and sit with it. I ask myself what I'm feeling, and I start on the outermost two columns/rows and begin to search for words that may describe some of my feelings. Once I find a word or words, then I follow that color area in towards the center and get at what my core feeling is. Sometimes I am astonished at what the real feeling is! For example, if it is scared that I am feeling, then I ask myself what I am scared of? I begin to ask myself questions and search for the answers. The wheel has been so very helpful. Sometimes I may experience more than one emotion at the same time.

I thought that perhaps it might be beneficial to you now because I hear you struggling to figure out what is going on inside you. Please note that whatever you are feeling is what you are feeling, and it's okay.

 
Wools

[Harri]

Wools!  I love the feelings wheel and still remember when you first introduced it to me.   I think the way you work with it is so great too.  I know it helps me a great deal.

Here is one I found and like to use:
Feelings Wheel

[sklamath]

Hi, Libra! How did things go with your brother‘s visit?

[Libra]

Zachira,

Thank you for your reply and understanding.
I tried my very best to stay in tune with my feelings, and I managed to ‘observe’ many of the interactions. It is truly sad to notice that there is such a lack of, well, anything really. It is all so empty and fake. We go through these motions together, and that’s it.
I suspect I had greatly idealized my r/s with my brother, clinging to a few fond memories and thinking they were a reflection of all our time together. Truth is my memory is like a cheese with more holes than actual cheese. And the cheese that is there is moldy. I am choosing to let go of these memories, and the longing for a feeling of belonging with my FOO. It is what it is, and it is very sad.

Take care of yourself Zachira

Libra.

[Libra]

Hi Wools!

Sorry for taking so long to answer. I am struggling with time at the moment, there are not enough minutes in an hour!

Yes, I have heard of the feelings wheel, because you introduced me to it, a long time ago 
I am going to be honest once again: I looked at it at the time, and I saw a bunch of words. Those words were familiar, of course, but I failed to connect anything to them. I looked at it again when you posted, and I still couldn’t connect anything to those words. The only ones I can sometimes identify are ‘sad’ and ‘angry’. I realize that this is not ideal.

So thank you for posting it once again, and for the explanation on how to use it. I will find one in my native tongue, and try to use it as a navigation tool to get more in touch with my core feelings. (and while I type this, a little voice is whispering: feelings…pffff…they are of no use whatsoever!) 


Libra.

[Libra]

Harri,

Thank you for the link

Libra.

[Libra]

Hi Sklamath!

How kind of you to remember and to ask!

My brothers’ visit was an eye opener in many ways.

3 days before their actual visit my mother texted me to complain she didn’t have any ideas for what they could do on the Saturday, and whether I had any inspiration? I replied that I had ran out of ideas. I found it a bit inconsiderate of her,  since I had made several suggestions of things to do together with us that Saturday, and they had all been turned down.

The children and I met up with my brother, his kids and my mother at a park on Friday. My brother gave me his big old bear hug, and that felt good. His kids (18 and 16 years of age) are really nice. My brother kept up his humorous banter all afternoon. His son joins in, creating a ping pong of jokes. It is nice to listen to, as long as it is not used as deflection. The banter turned onto me at a certain point. They wanted to get to a certain location. As I was the only one carrying a backpack, I was also carrying the park map. So, in a humorous fashion, my brother turned to me and said ‘Well, what are you going to do about this then? We want to get to X, and this route is blocked. You told us to take this route, so now find us another one.’ (note: there was only one route, it was blocked due to maintenance works). 4 pairs of eyes turned to me, and I recognized the ironic look in my mother and brothers’ eyes: try to fix that one then, we know you can’t. I noticed old feelings of being cornered and being unable to deliver what was expected welling up, but I managed to counter them with my adult voice, telling myself this was a ridiculous expectation and I was in no way stupid or insufficient for not being able to deliver. I ended up deflecting their question by suggesting to go to another part of the park first, because it was nearby and my children really wanted to do that bit. By the time that was over the park was about to close and we simply skipped the blocked part.

I tried to talk with my brother a bit in the park, but we simply seem to have nothing to say to each other. They came to our country in this period especially so he could take his children to a music festival he used to go to himself as a young adult. I asked him what bands he was looking forward to seeing. He just sighed, shook his head and started replying to texts on his phone. His kids finally answered in his stead.

My mother also told me how they tried to go to X the previous day, but they failed to find the correct public transport to get there. Ironically enough, X was one of the activities I had suggested on doing together. It had been turned down as too expensive and boring.

At the end of the day D9 was nagging. She wanted to see my brother, and especially his daughter again while they were in the country. I once again suggested meeting up the next day. It was sweltering hot and I suggested to go swimming together. My brother said he didn’t know yet, but promised to notify me if they would go swimming. The next day, early evening, my mum calls up to say they were on their way to the pool. I replied that it was a pity they hadn't notified us earlier, because we were now on our way to a friends' garden party. We had a great time at the party, and I do not regret having chosen that over the swimming.

I did not hear from my brother during the rest of their stay. He sent a text from the airport this morning: ‘We’re heading back North, it was nice seeing you guys again. Enjoy your summer!’. I replied, wishing them a safe trip and asking how the music festival had been. I have not had any reply though.

All of this has left me thinking. This is how I felt so often as a kid. Not just for routes in a park, but for so many things. Deflection, expectations, the complete disbelief in any ability I might have, and no consideration whatsoever of what I might want, feel or think about anything. That about sums up my role in this family, and I no longer feel a need to play that role. I think I am going to step back and let go of my longing to be part of this family. I will maintain LC, grey rock with my mother, and I will be there for my brother if ever he needs me (though I do not think he would ever turn to me). And that is it. It makes me sad to think there is nothing more there for me, but it would be futile to keep on trying. I get nothing back. I have my own family, my own friends, and my own strength to lean on, and they are much healthier and steadfast than anything my mother or brother can offer me.

Thank you Sklamath, writing this out has given me more clarity on the situation.



Libra.

[sklamath]

Thanks for the update, Libra!

Good on you for keeping your wits about you, despite loaded "humorous" comments and confusing behavior. It is really interesting how your mom and brother seemed to look to you for suggestions, responsibility, and leadership...but didn't want to give you credit for good ideas (activity X, the pool), and were quick to assign blame when things didn't meet expectations (the park hike). That is disappointing, but it sounds like you stayed outside the drama and didn't take things personally.

It sounds like you've found some peace regarding your boundaries with mom and brother. And furthermore, I love this: "I have my own family, my own friends, and my own strength to lean on, and they are much healthier and steadfast than anything my mother or brother can offer me." What a wonderful thing to have these people in your life, and to be able to be a friend to yourself!

[zachira]

Libra,
It feels good yet sad to be in a place where you can interact with your FOO without getting overwhelmed by some of their mean behaviors. You are feeling that you want to spend more time with the family you have created for yourself and your friends, and see less of your FOO. To arrive at this point as you have, shows resilience and courage, the willingness to look at how our FOO has hurt us, yet find the courage to look inside to see who we really are deep inside while taking the time to feel and let go of the pain that our FOO will never love us and treat us the way we deserve.
I am admiring how several incidents came up with your mother and brother that could have been very upsetting because of how your feelings were completely discounted and it seems they were baiting you into getting upset. You responded appropriately and did not let them know how you felt inside, knowing that the ship has sailed on ever getting any kind of empathetic response from them.
I see one particular challenge that may occur in the future and hope it does not happen to you as it did to me. Oftentimes when a person abdicates their role as scapegoat of the family, other family members go on the war path to try to force the scapegoat to return to their old ways of feeling guilty and needing to be the caretaker to please everyone. You seem to have really good boundaries with your FOO right now, and they seem to be unaware of how you have changed into a confident person with a happy life.
All the best to you! You have much to contribute to others here on this site as you have walked the walk, and can help others to get to where you are now.