Wife, who is fitting all the signs of BPD

[Broid]

New here, need help with a couple of questions. My wife's behavior has been increasingly fitting the common diagnosis of BPD. I thought bi-polar at first, but having visited a therapist and doing some research, BPD fits the bill almost to a "T". Question for those of you who have walked this path before me; how do I approach my wife with the idea that she may be BPD? How do I get that conversation started? My thinking now is if I say something like that to her it's all going to blow up.

Also, from your experience, how much can I really trust her? I admit, my confidence in her has been shaken by some recent events and now I'm having trouble believing some of the things she says. Does this sound familiar? Like; "I hate you" and then days later its "I love you".

Thanks in advance...

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[Ozzie101]

Hi Broid! Welcome to the BPD family!

I'm glad you've found us, though I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you to us. You'll find that the members here can understand where you are and what you're dealing with. We've been there -- or are still there ourselves. And we have a lot of tools and experience that can help you navigate the choppy waters of a BPD relationship.

First things first, we recommend people NOT approach their loved one and suggest they may have BPD. That's something that rarely, if ever, goes well. It's much better if that diagnosis and conversation comes from a professional therapist. (And I'll add that she doesn't have to have a diagnosis for you to be able to benefit from the info here. Just showing some traits is enough for the tools to come into play.) So, the answer is, you don't approach your wife about it. Is she now or has she ever been in therapy herself?

As far as trusting, that's a tricky one. The thing about pwBPD (people with BPD) is that feelings = facts. When your wife does the "I hate you" and "I love you" dance, it's likely she really does, truly, believe what she's saying in that moment. So, you may be able to believe what she says, but reality for her is going to shift depending on how she's feeling. Bewildering, I know.

I hope you don't mind if I ask a few questions of my own. Knowing more helps us know how better to help you. What behaviors does your wife exhibit that point to BPD? Also, what recent events have shaken your confidence?

[Broid]

Thanks Ozzie. Long story, but highlights (Lowlights) are recent explosive outbursts of anger, 2 episodes a month apart, crying, loud and abusive accusations directed at me and her daughter (Who was not present), extremely abusive language (Not common for her) directed at me. This has been preceded by bouts of depression and "dark" moods where she expressed how much she hates being married to me, hates her life, job etc. First BIG outburst (Meltdown) took about 24 hours for recovery, by which I mean we could talk. 2nd time took about 3 days for her to calm down and speak one civil word to me. Near constant feelings of inadequacy, she's dumb, not very smart, really messed up her life and relationship with her daughter, should never have married me. Terrible self-esteem, in spite of being beautiful and bright. Terrible body image in spite of being fit and fabulous.

This is the short version. I just spent an hour Tuesday talking to a therapist. I thought these "outbursts" could be bipolar, her personality just changed rapidly and totally. Therapist suggested BPD. Am currently reading "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" and my wife ticks off 4.5 boxes out of 5.

[Broid]

As for recent events that shake my trust, I looked at her phone and saw a text thread of her trying to get together with some guy...

[Ozzie101]

Well, yes, that would shake one's trust. I'm so sorry. Again, that's something other members here have experienced. What you wrote is very familiar. Many people here have written much the same thing. I'm sorry. It's incredibly painful to deal with this and to hear such hateful language from someone you love.

How long have you been married? From what you wrote (and I could be reading it incorrectly), it sounds like this behavior is all more recent. Is that the case? If so, any idea what could have triggered this period of dysregulation?

[Broid]

Thanks again Ozzie. We met and married 7 years ago. There have been hints along the way, brief periods of depression. But things escalated when she started into menopause. Perimenopause about 3 years ago, fully into menopause for about a year, the last year has escalated episodes but 2 MASSIVE explosions of anger in the last 2 months. I suspect there have been many other episodes but she was able to keep them contained, but two recently that she couldn't. Considering the apparent pattern I expect another one soon.

[Ozzie101]

I can see how the hormonal changes could be a huge trigger, yes.

Is your wife now or has she ever been in therapy?

As you're discovering, a relationship with a pwBPD can be very difficult. There are, however, things you can do that can possibly help improve your situation. You have no control over her or what she does, but you can control yourself and how you act and react. And, over time, that can actually make a big difference. (I've discovered that first-hand.)

If you don't mind my asking, how do you usually respond to one of these massive episodes. Can you describe one -- how it started, what was said on both sides? Knowing details can help us know what tools might be helpful to you.

[Forgiveness]

I can't even get my dad to get a hearing aid. The subject is too touchy and personal.
For BPD I imagine it could really backfire and blow up if a loved one suggested they have the disorder.

I am realizing more and more that my significant other is the way she is, people in general are the way they are, and we have much less influence on people than we would like.

We can only decide how to take care of ourselves.

[Broid]

My response to both events has been to try and stay calm, and to encourage her with love and positive words. Staying calm is the hard part. I don't get mad or yell, which she may be expecting me to do, and when I don't that triggers her as well. But here is an edited journal entry from the last episode...

The second episode was Friday June 7th. We got tickets to a Warriors game for that night.  I noticed on our drive to Oakland that she seemed more wound up than usual, which I initially wrote off as excitement about the game. At and during the game she was extremely animated, yelling and cheering at the top of her lungs, which seemed to me a bit more than would be typical for her, but, finals game so I understood. At one point she went to the snack bar to get some dinner for us, but came back with no drinks. That was a bit unusual because she never forgets stuff like that. Then gradually her cheering started to include yelling profanities (Very out of character) at the other team’s fans in the row in front of us. Other people around us were looking at her like she was being too loud or rude, so I tried to get her to sit once or twice and that seemed to bother her.

She left again to go to the snack bar at one point and was gone for quite some time. I got up to see if she was ok and found her in the snack area eating popcorn and drinking a glass of wine some guy had bought her. She was spilling popcorn and wine all over herself and the floor. She doesn’t even like wine. We went back to our seats and the Warriors ended up losing, so the evening was a bit of a bummer. As we were walking out she almost acted drunk. I asked her later how much alcohol she had had and she said only the one glass of wine that she didn’t even finish. Walking through the parking lot some security guards were stopping people so busses could pass through, but she barged past multiple security people saying they didn’t care about her and she would do what she wanted. One security guard asked if I was with her and that I should go take care of her.

When we got to the car she was very agitated, cussing and swearing about her daughter and my treatment of her in the arena. As we were driving out, she took her bag (Big purse full of stuff) and dumped all the contents on the floor of the front seat, I have no idea why. She then proceeded to put everything back in the bag while throwing some stuff (Candy, tissues, bags of chips) out the window of the car. At one point I jumped out of the car, ran around, and picked up some of the trash she was throwing out the window. The drive home was tense with a steady stream of cursing and complaining about her daughter and me. She was saying increasingly hurtful things about me and her daughter all the way home. My approach, (Didn’t know what else to say or do since I was driving) was to keep a steady stream of positive words headed her way. I told her repeatedly that I loved her very much, that she was the only girl I wanted to be with. That I would love her all the days of my life, and more like that, but never even cracked her state of mind.

As we were approaching home, less than 2 miles to go,  she was saying very hurtful things non-stop about me and her daughter so I pulled the car over to the side of the road to look her in the eye and tell her I loved her unconditionally. As soon as the car stopped she tried to jump out the door but I grabbed her by the wrist. I didn’t want to hurt her so she twisted away and jumped out and started running up the highway. What is most difficult for me is that she saw me as someone to run away from. She needed to get out and get away.

This was about 10:00 at night. 2 other cars pulled over seeing a woman running from a man, can’t blame them at all. I stopped to talk to one guy and while I was, I saw her run across the highway and out of my sight. I told the others what I thought was happening and we all turned our cars around and crossed the highway to look for her, but she was gone. I had no idea where she went. (Found out later she called a friend to come and pick her up and I never saw that pick up take place, all I knew was that she ran across the highway and disappeared. I have no idea what she told her friend, they were together about 2 hours before her friend brought her home.) I drove up and down the highway, went back home, tried to call, sent her a dozen texts or more, went to local shopping centers to see if she was at a store and never saw her.

Honestly, I was petrified, I had no idea what had happened to her. I called a friend of mine  and he came by to help. With his help we decided to call an on-duty deputy who came by with the intent of tracking her cell phone. I don’t have the means of doing that, we had talked about it once and she refused to do it thinking it was too creepy. While waiting a car pulled up and she hopped out. I later learned that she had called a friend to come pick her up on the highway, which she did, but I never saw her. When she saw the sheriff there she was VERY angry, cussing and swearing that they needed a warrant to talk to her. She went in the house. The deputies asked me about doing a 5150 and I didn’t think that would be a good idea.

Once inside she took a shower, made some food, and then laid down on the couch. Her words were the worst I have ever heard come out of her mouth. Not only wishing that she was alone, but even wanting her daughter to be killed. Or if she was dead then finally her daughter would appreciate her. She kept up a steady string of insults directed at me with repeated themes from her previous episode. (I’m a pervert, men only want sex, I don’t support her, she doesn’t need anyone, I’m a hypocrite, I’m the problem, she never tries in the relationship and I try even less than her. She said she “gave me permission” to go out and have sex with whoever I wanted, she told me to marry another woman and leave her alone.)

She then slept on the couch almost non-stop until Monday. She’d get up to eat, shower or go to the bathroom. But every time I went in to check on her she told me she was still angry and “nothing had changed”. I even suggested that she couldn’t mean all the things she said, but she said that she was being “100% honest and real” in everything she said.
By Monday evening the cloud began to lift and I was able to sit with her on the couch and watch a game. By the end we were high-fiving and she slept in bed with me that night. The next evening she was a bit paranoid accusing me of installing a GPS tracker on her phone. (I didn’t) But since then it is almost completely normal, like nothing ever happened.

End of episode 2

[Ozzie101]

Very true. We can only control ourselves. But sometimes our own reactions to things or ways of dealing with things can make it better or worse.

After I joined here, I started learning about validation and invalidation. I was doing a lot of JADEing (Justify Argue Defend Explain) in our arguments and that was just making things worse. I started working on other communication methods like SET (Support Empathy Truth) and I believe that played a role in lessening the duration and intensity of his episodes. But, ultimately, he is who he is. Any real change has to come from him -- voluntarily.

[Ozzie101]

Oh, Broid, I'm so sorry. That sounds like a terrifying, bewildering experience. That's some very serious dysregulation there.

Your comment about her expecting you to get mad strikes a chord with me. My H once told me that, when he was worked up and angry, he deliberately tried to get me to get angry too. He's since come to realize that's not the best, healthiest way to go. But I think it's common in pwBPD – if someone else is mirroring your emotions, then your emotions are “right.”

As for the rest, that's an extremely disturbing (and dangerous) situation and I commend you for staying calm and for getting help. Has your wife ever been evaluated by a therapist?

[Broid]

Thanks again Ozzie. She has never been evaluated by a therapist. Before I met her she did have some therapy related to her life decisions that had brought about too much chaos in her life. She says it was very helpful and got her back on track. But that was years before this current cycle of escalation. Working on changing my responses to model more the "validation" approach. I'm am not looking forward to the next episode, but I might be better equipped now to manage things better, or at least differently.

[Ozzie101]

Getting a handle on what's happening and practicing tools to at least not make it worse can have a big impact. If nothing, it can be centering and give us some measure of stability and control in what can seem like a completely unhinged situation.

Have you checked out some of the tips and tools we have here? They're linked up at the top of the screen and I found them very helpful.

This is also a really good article that you might find beneficial:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

How did things go over the weekend?