Character Assassination

[Depression = 72% of members]

 I have come to understand that my perceptions & experiences are drastically different than my uBPDw's perceptions & experiences. A few examples, I see the "stress related disassociation" at play in terms of her denying words that are often hateful/hurtful or even denying events that occured. She will often assign motives to me that are not true, "feelings dictate facts" but claiming to know what I was thinking.

It would be hard enough if the two of us were working through these situations on our own but I often hear of her version of events/words/behavior come back to me from mutual friends. Often it will start with, "Sync, I heard XYZ happened. You really should behave differently to your W."
 Argh...

In the past I found myself drawn into defending myself to those well meaning but misinformed people/flying monkeys. I would spend time and energy recounting details and explaining what I heard/experienced occurring. I believe that the majority of the time, those conversations, ended with them having a more balanced understanding what occured. (I guess this would be JADE'ing to a pwBPD but in talking to nonPD friends, I seem to be able to convey my experience.)

However, the time, energy and mental space of being drawn in with so many people has gotten exhausting. Instead of debating the details, I have come to a much easier approach. I simply ask people to judge my character based on the behavior and words that they have seen themselves from the time they have known me. To a person, they are able to back up and reevaluate what they were told.

The thing is, I am pretty sure I only know a fraction of who she is talking to or saying. I continue to learn of more and more instances of misrepresentation. Although I do my best to grin and bear it, it is really draining to my spirit.

I understand it is normal to lean on friends & family for support but when those people ARE UNAWARE they are being told twisted information ... it hurts.

I imagine I am not the only one to experience this.

Is it reasonable to ask my uBPDw to stop talking about our marriage with people? Is that just opening the door to accusations of me trying to control her? Do I just continue to address this reactively when it comes up?

I would appreciate any suggestions on how you have handled being misrepresented.

[All_Out_of_Sync]

 I have come to understand that my perceptions & experiences are drastically different than my uBPDw's perceptions & experiences. A few examples, I see the "stress related disassociation" at play in terms of her denying words that are often hateful/hurtful or even denying events that occured. She will often assign motives to me that are not true, "feelings dictate facts" but claiming to know what I was thinking.

It would be hard enough if the two of us were working through these situations on our own but I often hear of her version of events/words/behavior come back to me from mutual friends. Often it will start with, "Sync, I heard XYZ happened. You really should behave differently to your W."
 Argh...

In the past I found myself drawn into defending myself to those well meaning but misinformed people/flying monkeys. I would spend time and energy recounting details and explaining what I heard/experienced occurring. I believe that the majority of the time, those conversations, ended with them having a more balanced understanding what occured. (I guess this would be JADE'ing to a pwBPD but in talking to nonPD friends, I seem to be able to convey my experience.)

However, the time, energy and mental space of being drawn in with so many people has gotten exhausting. Instead of debating the details, I have come to a much easier approach. I simply ask people to judge my character based on the behavior and words that they have seen themselves from the time they have known me. To a person, they are able to back up and reevaluate what they were told.

The thing is, I am pretty sure I only know a fraction of who she is talking to or saying. I continue to learn of more and more instances of misrepresentation. Although I do my best to grin and bear it, it is really draining to my spirit.

I understand it is normal to lean on friends & family for support but when those people ARE UNAWARE they are being told twisted information ... it hurts.

I imagine I am not the only one to experience this.

Is it reasonable to ask my uBPDw to stop talking about our marriage with people? Is that just opening the door to accusations of me trying to control her? Do I just continue to address this reactively when it comes up?

I would appreciate any suggestions on how you have handled being misrepresented.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[isilme]

This is a good question - I'm afraid I don't have much of an answer.  I know that in the pat I was represented poorly to people who'd not met me because I could tell by how they treated me some pretty bad things must have been said.  But, also, after getting to know me, they seemed to have some sort of new idea of who I am, instead of basing everything on what was said by my BPDH.  But those are only the people I met and spent time with... not ones that never got to know me, and therefore I have no idea what has been said time to time

Asking her won't do any good, you are correct, it will lead toa accusations of controlling her, and actually giver her more fuel to use. 

Also, remember that her family is part of what made her how she is - they likely have enough fleas that they help drive unhealthy conversations.  I'm kinda shocked people feel it's their place to tell you how to behave in the first place O_o