New Phase of Hypervigilance and Hypercontrol

[Birddog]

Need help with some old issues that are creeping back with the new school year, my spouse has been really stable for last month, so had a chance to catch my breath.

So with the kids back in school, hitting some old areas had issues with before.

My spouse has launched into hypervigilance mode of getting kids ready, multiple searches of their backpacks,  trust issue of what's in the backpacks, accusing every member of the family of hiding stuff, having to control every member of the family.  Spouse is also  projecting a lot of her inadequacies of technology onto me. The schools these days are pushing one phone app per teacher to communicate and track our children,  it's my fault she can't figure it out, demanding I fix it, accusing me of sabotage, going into victim mode. Personally, I think the apps are a bit much for the teachers to expect.  Anyhow, when sit down to work with my spouse, she immediately gets frustrated.  I am assuming she feels ashamed she can't figure it out on her own, so goes back into hyper control mode, and doesn't want to work with me on the solution.  Again, becomes my fault I didn't help her and I never want to help her. This victimhood gets fed to various members of her family (mother in law and brother in law who are well meaning, and want to become the rescuers), so they start dragging out 21 years of exaggerated marital grievances to justify financial abuse and other maladaptive behaviors to solve all these perceived crisises, and further fuel the fire.

During these periods, my spouse starts having trust issues with, doctors,  friends, churches, dentists,  everyone in her life, so she goes into isolation mode.

When this dynamic starts,  the day to day function of the family starts to decline,  all her energy starts getting focused on the next perceived major crisis. In the past needed to start taking over near all of the  day-to-day on top of full time work. She gives herself a task of straightening, and I will find her staring at each item, not sure what to do with it, this will go on for months in the same room, same stack of kids papers. I've worked trying to establish with her stations in the household to put some structure on things so they at least have a home and she can at least find stuff.  These are constantly being changed and moved, so any day I come home,  very difficult to find anything.  I have a lock on my office, she demands access, but been firm to keep this necessary boundary.

Decisions are very difficult for her, she becomes very indecisive.  She feels she has to sign up for every event, flyer, activity, extra curricular, so the schedule is a wreck, deadlocked on what she wants to do, no boundaries on time or finances, lots of missed appointments,  etc.

Any thoughts on bettering this would be appreciated. 

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[Birddog]

Quick update,

Ok, was definately having a moment yesterday after spouse went into devaluation mode, handled okay, but ugg.  Spouse is continuing on the uphill path,  she went in to Dr's appointment, and continuing to improve, seek improvement.  Dr. encouraged her to go back to neurology. 

New school year is stressful, so started seeing bits and pieces of past creeping back and freaked.

Finding setbacks are a strong trigger for me, don't want to return to the utter disfunction.

[Ray2017]

Finding setbacks are a strong trigger for me, don't want to return to the utter disfunction.

Just wanted to chime in and let you know you're not alone with this.  I've had a calm-ish week, but I can tell in texts that today is not going well at home and I immediately felt panic coming on, along with frustration and wanted to snap back (I didn't).  It can be such a struggle for us non's!  I appreciate posts like this as it makes me feel less alone in how I feel.  I hope the stress of the new school year starts to fade and you continue to see progress. 

[Ozzie101]

Setbacks can really hit hard, can't they? H has been soo much better the last 7 months but any little blip and I feel a little return of panic and anxiety. Are we going back to the way it was? Is everything hopeless?

The important things are to:
1) Look at the big picture. Is the overall line on the improvement graph trending upward, despite some little dips? If so, that's good. Hold onto that.

2) Keep focusing on your own mental health. Pay attention to your body's responses to things and to your emotions. Practice meditation or breathing exercises or whatever helps you when the anxiety hits. Keep up the self-care.

[Birddog]

Setbacks can really hit hard, can't they? H has been soo much better the last 7 months but any little blip and I feel a little return of panic and anxiety. Are we going back to the way it was? Is everything hopeless?

This is so true,  will continue to work on it.  Thanks Ray and Ozzie